Dear Roy,
President Obama claims you support homosexual "marriage."Well, I get so many requests for testimonials, I just can't keep up.
He and his ultra-liberal media allies brag that you're demanding special job preferences for homosexuals and teaching so-called "alternative" lifestyles in school.
Is it true? What do you say?
That is why I've prepared a nation-wide American Morality Survey.The survey has questions like "Should decisions about morality and sexuality be taken away from parents, in order for radical teachers and counselors to promote the homosexual lifestyle in schools?" And it wants your email, presumably so someone can send you ads for gold and survival foods.
But the beauty part is the narrative portion of the pitch:
One stormy night, I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.
As I rounded the final turn, my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.
Trembling with worry, I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.
Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.(Issue with verisimilitude here -- wouldn't homosexuals pack boxes more neatly?)
My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.
Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, “Delgaudio, what are you doing here?” Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.Well, of course. He's the Public Advocate of the United States.
As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, “This time, Delgaudio, we can't lose!”
Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Homosexual Lobby could win it all.There's a lot about this gig that's depressing, but thanks to prose stylists like Delgaudio it is not without its compensations.
UPDATE. My commenters are as usual one up on me: smut clyde informs that Delgaudio's been telling this specific story since 2010 at least. But don't despair, Delgaudio's no one-trick pony -- TGuerrant finds him elsewhere warning that "the Homosexual Lobby hoards vast treasuries" and requesting donations to counteract their power; also, assuring suckers/patriots that the struggle against gays "has driven me on many lonely road trips, spending days and weeks at a time far from my loving family to face the hatred of rabid anti-Family, anti-Christian activists." There's a road movie I'd like to see! Too bad the title The Straight Story has already been taken.
Lots of smart-aleck remarks, too, e.g. Spaghetti Lee: "Oh no, not the gays! NOT THE GAYS! AAAAH! AAAAAGHGGHH! AHHHRRGGH!"
UPDATE 2. More comments: "Ok, that settles it," says JennOfArk. "If this deranged tool is making $150K per year with this kind of fantasy dreck, then there's no reason for me to put off writing my monster porn opus." Don't dream it, be it!
Who do we suppose will play Delgaudio in the film?
ReplyDeleteEugene Delgaudio: For when push polls come to shove polls.
ReplyDeleteNick Cage --- see attached images. (Admittedly you can't really tell from the second picture, but I thought it was apropos -- some wikipedia editor has a sense of humor).
ReplyDeleteThe "narrative portion of the pitch" seems familiar... let's check the Gazoogle... He's been sending out the same THIS HAPPENED LAST NIGHT news at yearly intervals since 2010.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thewashingtonnote.com/eugene_delgaudi/
Gay men are basically Bond villains, so this e-mail is probably completely true.
ReplyDeleteThey're ALWAYS pushing and shoving polls down our throat!
ReplyDeleteHomos and forklifts. Never happened. Inserters, sure.
ReplyDeleteOnly the gay men with an eye patch and/or notable facial scar and a Persian cat.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap, this is too good to be true. I can't pick just one; I've gotta go FJM style. First, an explanation/example of what "FJM" means: http://www.ginandtacos.com/2008/04/18/david-brooks-gets-the-fjm-treatment/. Now, let's get crackalackin':
ReplyDeletePublic Advocate of the United States
What, not the Private Advocate? Commie.
One stormy night,
It was dark too, right? Come on, why would you leave out that detail?
I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.
Hint: It's a guy in a mask. Bring your Great Dane.
long-haired, earring-pierced men
"Ha ha, Mr. Nugent! Our years of deep-cover heterosexuality have finally paid off! Soon, we shall rule the world and be free to reveal our true identities!"
"Indeed, Mr. Robertson! Let me finish moving this forklift, and then we shall engage in wild and bestial anal sex!"
huge printing presses.
Thankfully, the homosexuals will be undone by their unwillingness to use post-1978 technology.
Trembling with worry, I went inside.
You note at this point he's clearly able to "pass." Roy, don't be a tease. Did you leave out the part where he put on glittery eyeshadow and a pink feather boa so he would blend in?
Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls,
You didn't check every box, did you, chief? At least one of them was dildos.
My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers.
"Mr. Robertston, do you think we should look into this 'e-mail' thing?"
"You fool! Clearly mass mailings are the future of political warfare, Mr. Nugent!"
Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, “Delgaudio, what are you doing here?”
Blast! This is just like the San Francisco Incident all over again! (Presses wristwatch), M, send me a helicopter!
Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized.
This sentence also features in the porn parody of the incident.
As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, “This time, Delgaudio, we can't lose!”
Awfully peaceable, these gays. Presumably, it was break time and someone had to mix the cosmotinis.
Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right.
And thus ends my re-telling of The King of Comedy, if Rupert Pupkin had fantasies about persecution instead of fame.
So...all of them?
ReplyDeleteJust sayin'.
ReplyDeleteSo...the butch ass straight guy started crying because a bunch of pansy Teamsters were stuffing boxes full of petitions ? And he wrote about this because ..?
ReplyDeletePictured: Eugene Delgaudio brandishes a sex toy recovered from the mysterious gay warehouse. Theories as to its role in the gay takeover are ongoing.
ReplyDeleteMagnificent. I'm sorry I missed this one, from 2010:
ReplyDeleteA widely distributed e-mail written by Delgaudio for the Public Advocate about TSA, claims the pat downs are part of a “Homosexual Agenda.” And he criticizes TSA’s non-discrimination hiring policy.
“It’s the federal employee’s version of the Gay Bill of Special Rights… That means the next TSA official that gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission,” Delgaudio wrote.
My good friend Drunky McTightywhitey happily answered the survey,
ReplyDeleteBig deal. I'm constantly finding giant seed pods that develop into physically perfect homosexuals who claim that they're "happy" and that I should join them. I'm trying to hold out, but I'm so sleepy ...
ReplyDeleteSome may mock Delgaudio for the description of his illustrious descent into the heart of gayness, but there may yet be truth to what he speaks. For I remember well my sojourn into the mystical and terrifying realm of shipping.
ReplyDeleteIt started in a bar, as such tales are wont to do. I'd had far too much to drink when I stumbled out into the strange glow of the witching hour, and something inside compelled me to explore the night. I'd heard a rumor about a place on the edge of town, and something about it recalled memories of my grandfather. He was a Mason, and a high ranking one, and as a child he teased me with legends of the secrets his order held. Even as a child, I knew that these were jokes - or so I thought. But at that hour, bourbon still flowing in my veins and strange whispers ringing in my head, it all seemed more plausible.
Time slipped away from me as I roamed through the darkness. Did I walk a mile? Five? Ten? All I know is that when I looked up, I was standing at a FedEx business center. But this was no normal place of business - those of my acquaintance who were tied into the more arcane corners insisted there was something hidden here, something beyond the reckoning of man. No name was given, but I had the suspicions - the Ark of the Covenant, the mythical vessel which held the instruments of God.
Finding an open window in a warehouse, I began my investigation. Though the facility was full, there was a single crate standing apart in the middle of the room, cast in moonlight. This must be it! I thought. But as I neared it, there was motion all around me. I was surrounded by an army, a strange force drawn from conservative political cartoons of the early 1970s. There were hippies, their stench so potent as to be visible; hard-faced women waving copies of feminist tracts; black men in berets and mirrored sunglasses, large knives in their belts. And above them all stood an enormous man in a pink dress, a shaggy beard hanging to his waist.
He looked down at me, a sinister grin on his face. "What are you waiting for? You have come to see this, have you not? Open it. Open it, and face your future."
With trembling hands, I hefted the lid from the crate. Each second felt like a lifetime, waiting for the power of God to strike me dead. Were that I so lucky. When the lid fell clear, I saw, not the Ten Commandments of Abraham, but...but...
...a wedding announcement from a gay couple, a packet of emergency contraception, a copy of a 10th grade biology textbook, a mix CD of world music, and a clipping from a newspaper announcing the election of a black President.
Their laughs, my screams - both swallowed by the darkness. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor in my apartment, a shot glass lying next to my head. For years, I convinced myself that it was but an alcohol-induced nightmare. But now? I don't know. I simply don't know.
The gays are so sneaky. One time, I was concerned about my young son's burgeoning sexuality. He had lately been hanging out with a neighbor of ours who was, to put it mildly, rather camp. One day I came home from work and caught my boy dancing around in a wig!
ReplyDeleteMaking the boy sit and stare at billboards of scantily clad ladies didn't seem to do the trick. So I decided to take him to the manliest place I could think of: a steel mill.
Suffice it to say, that visit did not turn out the way I expected.
It occurs to me that Delgaudio never specifies the nature of those "pro-homosexual petitions." My guess? Municipal petitions to increase funding for community theater programs. Clearly Delgaudio walked in on a dress rehearsal for a Pirates of Penzance revival.
ReplyDeleteWe work hard. We play hard. We make slick Simpsons references.
ReplyDeleteAsk not for whom the push polls: It polls for thee.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was already a film- the Scorcese one with Leonardo Dicaprio where he thinks he's an FBI agent, but he's really a mental patient.
ReplyDeleteMaybe not, but I kept hearing "This Bitter Earth" playing in the background anyway.
So, uh, how did the men at the gay warehouse recognize him?
ReplyDeleteName tag.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of that gay warehouse. It's just down the street from this gay steel mill:
ReplyDeleteHonestly I can't picture that dude doing anything other than skulking around warehouses in the middle of the night.
ReplyDeleteJ. Edgar
ReplyDelete"These dock workers, those forklift operators... even that guy with the clipboard! Mein Gott! They're all promosexuals!
ReplyDeleteHey! I read that whole thing and the Yeti never appeared. WTF?
ReplyDeleteD*I*L*D*O dance!
ReplyDelete(alternately, and perhaps waaaay too obscurely, "Why do these promosexuals keep printing my stock?")
ReplyDelete"Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling. "
ReplyDeleteBulging with bulges. Stacked. BULDGING AND STACKED. OH GOD! YES! YES! YES!
Hammerhead, don't hurt 'em!
ReplyDeleteOkay, that was a reach.
ReplyDeleteInserters
ReplyDeletehow did the men at the gay warebathhouse recognize him?
ReplyDeleteFixed and explained.
"long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying"
ReplyDeleteScurrying like dogs? Arr, they be pirates.
hidden deep
ReplyDeletesomething was up
long-haired, earring-pierced men
inserters
bulging
began moving toward me
my eyes filled with tears
All he needs is an editor, and he's actually not bad.
Thanks! I'd like to give this reply a wash-n-rinse, if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteThere's enough projection packed there to open an octoplex. (Though I'm sure Delgaudio has repressed fantasies of octosex at the octoplex.)
ReplyDeletethe question is, do we want to?
ReplyDeleteWell, lessee, the Public Advocate of the United States is not a public sinecure, but rather is another wingnut welfare boiler room blegging for cash. While Loudoun County Supervisor, Delgaudio was censured, stripped of his office budget, relieved of all committee assignments and basically told to stand in the corner until his term was up.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, his writing seems to prove without doubt that some few people did flunk out of the Modern Writer's School, impossible as it seems. One has to go a ways to imitate a "Dear Penthouse" letter and still do much worse than the model. I don't even give this guy a "D" for effort, because it's obvious he expended none in the process.
Looks like Public Advocate pays him a $150,000 a year "management fee." Let's start a survey!
ReplyDeleteA few limes will take care of that. No, wait, that's scurvy, not scurry.
ReplyDelete2011:
ReplyDeleteI've been putting off sending you this message for a while because I didn't want to worry you.
But late one night while sorting through pro-family petitions from supporters like you a thug crept in through a door, threw a blanket over my head and pummeled me with a rock.
He survived the horrific attack! Well, actually, he wasn't hurt. And when a reporter asked about it, the police department couldn't find any report of the incident, probably due to blanket-wielding thugs stealing it from the records room and pummeling it with a rock.
But then... 2013:
Radical homosexuals recently littered my entire neighborhood with hateful flyers filled with terrible, false accusations I dare not repeat -- I was out until 4:30 in the morning going door to door gathering them all up so my children wouldn’t see this trash.
So if you are awakened at dawn and happen to find a bent coat hanger with chewing gum stuck on one end has been thrust through the mail slot to root around for any papers on the floor, know that it's Delgaudio protecting his children.
And yet 'e told you everything you needed to know :)
ReplyDeleteOh so that's what they want to push down your throat ......never mind
ReplyDeleteI've got mixed feelings about Delgaudio. On the one hand, his scam hoovers up money that could've ended up at hate groups that can do real damage to gay people. On the other, anyone who gives money to such an obvious grifter has to be stupid, crazy, or senile, and I can't help but imagine some elderly baptist who's eating catfood in her foreclosed home because she's given all her dough to Public Advocate.
ReplyDeleteAh! And then Eugene went to a gay pride parade!
ReplyDeleteThousands of men in bright neon bikinis hanging all over each other.
Groups of men and women -- it was hard to tell the difference sometimes -- acting out their homosexual lusts in defiance of all standards of decency and morality.
There were tens of thousands of them flooding the streets. ...
After the pain of blisters your hands will eventually develop a callus. That's what the Radical Homosexuals are doing to our hearts.
Well, Roy, it's been fun while it lasted. But judging from the tone of Delgudio's opening questions, it would appear the Inquisition has finally found you. Give our regards to the rack.
ReplyDeleteHas the whole world gone insane?!?
ReplyDeleteOh no, not the gays! NOT THE GAYS! AAAAH! AAAAAGHGGHH! AHHHRRGGH!
ReplyDeleteAfter the pain of bad metaphors your brain will eventually develop irony.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see see George Takei do dramatic readings form choice selections of Public Advocate money blegs.
ReplyDeleteHas anybody asked what "it all" is yet?
ReplyDeleteOh be nice!
ReplyDeleteYes it felt awful familiar (and actually just plain awful) when I was reading it. The Long hair and earrings bit stuck in what we laughingly call my mind.
ReplyDeleteI know that this sounds crazy but it's almost as if some on the right prey upon their fellow travellers.
They were all clones of Mozart!
ReplyDeletehttp://media.boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Screen-Shot-2014-02-04-at-11.23.22-AM-600x327.png
Pro-homo goes po-mo, moves to SoHo.
ReplyDeleteIt was dark too, right? Come on, why would you leave out that detail?
ReplyDeleteIt was a dark and stormy night. Gradually, a car pulled up. A man came out. A box was unloaded from the car. The box was put on another box. But then the box was opened. The box had paper in it. The
...Then Count Floyd came on and said "OOOO, what a SCAAAARY picture of the homosexual agenda, eh, kids? AHWROOOOOOO!"
ReplyDelete...and bulging inserters...
ReplyDeleteHey, y'know - pitch it. Delgaudio already made it to the Daily Show at least once. Colbert could prove once again that he's the real master of comedy news.
ReplyDeleteIt's terrible writing (unless it's meant as satire--in which case it is brilliant), but I've gotta say that Eugene sure puts a lot of loving care into his detailed descriptions. These read a lot like the corny erotica that nerdy teenaged boys write in hopes of wooing the unattainable cheerleader.
ReplyDeleteRoy, you've delivered many delicious mangoes lo these many years of blogging, but this one? This was was too sweet even for wingnuttia. I wouldn't have believed this story to be genuine if you hadn't provided a link. Mr. Delgaudio's story is so batshit fucking insane that I couldn't help but say, "No but seriously, what did he actually write?"
ReplyDeleteI think this anonymous poster speaks for everyone when I say that I think you're a fantastic host, hilarious writer, and all-around great guy. But the horrible realization that a person actually wrote this narrative and, even worse, probably ended up grifting an uncertain amount of money from some poor, gullible souls, nearly broke me. I'm reeling. And I need a drink.
After seeing all this he got blisters on his hands that developed into calluses? Hmmmm....
ReplyDeletePresident Obama claims you support homosexual "marriage"
ReplyDeleteI think this is the direct-mail equivalent of "Did you hear, Crysal? Heather said you were a fag hag!"
You're not ready for the truth.
ReplyDeleteWow...Poe's Law demonstrated in Poe's Style. double win
ReplyDeleteProbably this guy: notorious for his 'sugared sonnets' to a 'fair youth.'
ReplyDeleteI'm still not ruling out a long-running performance piece. Right up there with Andy Kaufman (when he finally comes out of hiding).
ReplyDeleteAre you kidding? It's Eugene Delgaudio--Public Advocate!!
ReplyDelete"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to suck my dick."
ReplyDeleteI am no longer convinced that most of them are "fellow travelers". After watching the right wing on the Internet for the past decade or so, if I were a man with fewer ethics and a smaller conscience, I'm fairly certain I could make a reasonably good living by writing targeted e-mails designed to drum up fear with the promise that I will fight against whatever scary thing that they're afraid of. Then spend a few months harvesting e-mails of suckers and slowly drain their bank accounts through appeals for "donations".
ReplyDeleteIt's a genius con. It plays hell with our political system, but the con as a con is pretty genius. And if you do it right, not even illegal. In some ways its better than starting your own church. I mean, yeah, you have to pay taxes on it. But people expect churches to occasionally do "charitable" things, which means that when questions about your 6-7 figure salary and lack of good works come up you lose your marks. Start up a grift for political contributions and so long as you make some big noise every once in a while to keep your name out there everyone thinks you're "doing" something with their money, even if in the grand scheme of things it's a tiny amount of money spent and it accomplishes nothing. Or hell - it's even better if it's counterproductive to what your donors want as long as it's something that they THINK should work. Because that drives up the fear, and drives dollars to your bank account.
A sweet grift. Too bad my parents raised me not to be an asshole, I guess.
Oh dear God, that made my morning. thanks.
ReplyDeleteNeeds a Cab Calloway soundtrack, if you ask me.
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/c11mnZUM6bQ?t=3m50s
With a cameo by Snidely Whiplash as "dark-haired man", of course.
ReplyDeleteAt least the "practicing homosexual" is keeping his pleasure to himself, unlike Delgaudio here.
ReplyDelete...around.
ReplyDeleteI am sure I appointed myself as Public Advocate of the United States before Delgaudio did. I may have to pursue an injunction against this usurper.
ReplyDeletePictured: Eugene Delgaudio demonstrates his favorite scene from his favorite gladiator movie, Hercules' Mighty Sword
ReplyDeleteFrom the letter:
ReplyDeleteHomosexual activists mock me in the halls of Congress. ... They say you support them. I tell them they are lying. They just laugh and point to the liberal media's poll numbers.
See, there are still some decent people in the halls of Congress.
2014:
ReplyDeleteAs you know, the Homosexual Lobby hoards vast treasuries they can unleash at a moment’s notice to drown out our voices.
And with this new group no doubt flooded with special interest cash, the opposition is stronger than ever.
That’s why I need you to please chip in with an emergency donation as well as signing your petition.
IKR? Dude, try Crisco next time.
ReplyDeleteOk, that settles it. If this deranged tool is making $150K per year with this kind of fantasy dreck, then there's no reason for me to put off writing my monster porn opus. At least the folks who will buy my schlock will be doing it because they're perverts looking for titillation rather than mongoloids writing checks out of fear.
ReplyDeleteIt's what has driven me on many lonely road trips, spending days and weeks at a time far from my loving family to face the hatred of rabid anti-Family, anti-Christian activists.
ReplyDeleteTo fight against the radical Homosexual Agenda wherever it rears its ugly head in our great country.
Source.
Well, if nothing else, he's got a vivid imagination.
ReplyDeleteOh thank God, I thought I'd woken up in the past.
ReplyDeleteHowzabout 18-wheelers?
ReplyDelete... of the United STAAAAATES!
ReplyDeleteAt least the folks who will buy my schlock will be doing it because
ReplyDeletethey're perverts looking for titillation rather than mongoloids writing
checks out of fear.
Market it appropriately, and you can have both.
You can't be on the A list. I got that email months ago. Makes your blood boil, or is it run cold? I can never be sure.
ReplyDeleteThis comment will reap so many up-votes that three more will be written, of decreasing narrative quality, with the last set on a Best Buy loading dock and involving our intrepid hero hiding from the marauding gays in a refrigerator.
ReplyDeleteThe man with the action-packed mailing list!
ReplyDeleteThose evil long-haired, earring-pierced men! Who will save us from their bulging boxes of printed flyers? Do you know the menace that awaits, if those petitions are allowed to be slipped beneath our windshield wipers?
ReplyDeleteWhat;s an earring-pierced man, anyway?
ReplyDeleteThe question, as usual: Is Delgaudio deranged, or just another grifter?
ReplyDeleteRight up there with Andy Kaufman
ReplyDelete[Re-examines Delgaudio photo]
O my god.
"Okay, boys and boys, we're all set to put the final phase of the Homosexual Agenda into action. Bulging boxes of flyers, pamphlets, booklets, and postcards?"
ReplyDelete"Check."
"Pre-written radical pro-gay legislation?"
"Check."
"Elementary school textbooks with lurid gay sex scenes?"
"Check."
"Throat dildos?"
"Check."
"Multicolored glitter?"
...
"Multicolored glitter?"
"Uh, it's all missing."
"NOOO! DELGAUDIOOOOOOOO!"
Here you go.
ReplyDelete"A widely distributed e-mail written by Delgaudio for the Public Advocate
ReplyDeleteabout TSA, claims the pat downs are part of a “Homosexual Agenda.” And
he criticizes TSA’s non-discrimination hiring policy."
How exactly does one preclude the other?
ReplyDeleteBattle of the bulges! Oh wait, did you say public?
ReplyDeleteI'm tired of the Homosexual Lobby. I really want to see the rest of the Homosexual Hotel.
ReplyDelete"a nearly deserted stand of warehouses"
ReplyDeleteThat's what you get when you locate warehouses on the veldt. The roads--if you can even call them that!--simply can't handle your modern semi's. Result? Row after row of abandoned buildings--well, abandoned by Man, although as always Nature, in her wisdom, has seen fit to equip that terrain's more habituated life forms to slowly colonize the structures. It's not he *gays* who have brought disorder and messiness to the boxes. It's the wildebeests.
...a wedding announcement from a gay couple, a packet of emergency
ReplyDeletecontraception, a copy of a 10th grade biology textbook, a mix CD of
world music, and a clipping from a newspaper announcing the election of a
black President.
Shoot, a feller could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with this stuff.
More than one.
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to go back out and use the rear entrance.
ReplyDelete<gayagenda>
ReplyDeleteOscar wildebeests.
</gayagenda>
Thanks, aimai. I thought it was just me.
ReplyDeleteGak! that link! It just goes on and on and on and on...!
ReplyDeleteChrist, I want everybody on his mailing list put on an FBI watch-list right now, because he's just writing revenge fantasy porn for the next mass-shooting perpetrators. Seriously. "They're laughing at you. They're laughing..."
ReplyDeleteSlacker! [Motions sadly to a space at her table.]
ReplyDeleteNo, no, no, Delgaudio. The punch line is supposed to be, "You're not here for the hunting, are you?"
ReplyDeleteYou all are so blind. Delgaudio is already lost. Can't you see the code?
ReplyDelete...with the liberal media's poll results in hand... the Homosexual Lobby rammed... deep... my eyes nearly popped.
long-haired, earring-pierced men... trembling... I went inside...My mind reeled...Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, “Delgaudio"...Dozens of men began moving toward me...Driving away... I realized... the Homosexual Lobby could win it all.
...everyone supports nationalized homosexual marriage, privileged employment rights and mandatory homosexual education in schools.
He was attacked by Ninjas wielding spiked earrings?
ReplyDeleteYou know what? If he seriously is spending "days and weeks at a time far from my loving family to face the hatred of..." he's either the world's biggest masochist or he's avoiding spending time at home because he prefers endless days and nights on the road pursuing gay men. I'll just leave that there. People do what they want to do, ultimately. They may also pretend that they "do it for you, the good people of America" or they "do it for the kids" but they don't. When they say they are doing something hard and unpleasant for someone else? They are almost always lying.
ReplyDeleteAnd you passed right over Dick Lock. :)
ReplyDeleteI've given up trying to figure out the right wing mind. They're either crazy (Michelle Malkin) stupid (Jonah Goldberg), grifters (Glenn Beck), or all three (Sarah Palin). But they're all ion that continuum somewhere.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its flavored?
ReplyDeleteDamn you Moominpapa!
ReplyDeleteJack Wrangler.
ReplyDeleteSo I did! I'm still the innocent little girl I was raised to be, I guess.
ReplyDeleteGay blogger JoeMyGod has been tracking Eugene for some years now via the same method of subscribing to his batshit insane emails; they include this fun bit:
ReplyDeleteThe liberals and homosexuals call me “frog”, toad, caliban of the right (a monstrous, and ugly creature), racist, homophobe, cockroach, snake, unknown, nobody, dangerous, underhanded, threatening, confrontational, antagonist of the left, rightwing extremist, gadfly, loon, lunatic, over the edge, fundamentalist, charismatic, ego driven, single issue, loner, uncompromising, immoderate, intemperate, narrow-minded, irrelevant, pinhead, lesser-known, infamous, intransigent, paleo-conservative, knuckle dragging caveman, over-the-top, bug, dirty, maggot, fear mongerer, right wing ring-leader, hyperactive, headline-hunting, crude, purist, prude, dirty- trickster, religious freak, anti-gay, opportunist, bigot, monster, bizarre, Nazi, zealot, nut job, notorious, flamboyant protester, propagandist, obscure, inflammatory, browbeating, intimidator, toxic, poison, fringe and wacko.
"flamboyant". Oh, don't you wish, sweetie.
I can't help but imagine some elderly baptist who's eating catfood in
ReplyDeleteher foreclosed home because she's given all her dough to Public
Advocate.
But if she hadn't done that, she'd have given it all to Franklin "Diseased pig's asshole" Graham, or some other grifting theocratic parasite. So since it's going to be wasted on deranged reactionary fuckwittery anyway, why not hilariously ineffective deranged reactionary fuckwittery?
[Looks up from Pep Boys Manual of Anatomy]
ReplyDeleteAu contraire.
I bet the Homosexual Lobby also has constructed a giant ray gun on the moon.
ReplyDelete"Democrats called you a contraceptive pill popping slut--are you going to take that lying down?"
ReplyDeleteAce of Spades - The funniest conservative website in existence along with timely commentary and intellectural reasoning.
ReplyDeleteGood God, he IS insane.
Similar to William F. Buckley
Zombie Buckley just shot HIMSELF in the head.
Sean Hannity - Conservative Commentator who worked retail, remembers hard labor
Like that time he had to move the commercials from this side of the radio station to that one? And not those little local commercials, either, these were the big ones, for national products.
Oh man, liberals/homosexuals have also called him "sweetie!" Have they no shame?
ReplyDeleteObvs.No because we all have our copies of the little red Kama Sutra.
ReplyDeleteNathaniel Hawthorne's Young Goodman Brown doffs his cap to you.
ReplyDeleteWell it's no fun if he keeps it a SECRET.
ReplyDeleteYeah, why limit yourself as an artist?
ReplyDeleteThey are all wrong. He's obviously a coprophiliac.
ReplyDeleteEveryone else was circumcised.
ReplyDeleteavoid reality by sleeping
ReplyDeleteSee, that's the old-fashioned way.
I want to call the comment and ask it a series of leading questions. Sexy leading questions.
ReplyDeleteAnd "frog" is the only one he is willing to put in quotes?
ReplyDeleteYou're working off the old, Newtonian axioms. The new physics shows that the stupid/evil continuum, like the space/time one, is subject to the laws of special relativity.
ReplyDeleteAnd what does this prove? No matter what the cost, it must be faced: The Universe is gay! There are no straight lines.