Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my generally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it. My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face.
In other words, I get a pass. I don’t get hassled if I’m chain-smoking outside a Spanish laundromat at two in the morning on a Wednesday. I carry myself like I’m supposed to be there. I keep my head down, I don’t judge anybody, I don’t smile, I don’t make trouble, I don’t let anybody touch me, I’ll give somebody a cigarette if they need it. It’s fine. (THAT’s how you gentrify, kids. Take notes).THAT's how you get a ghetto pass, kids -- shamble about like vintage Tim Roth and emanate self-loathing. And no touching! Black people respect that.
But some cats can't hang --
But lo and behold, this other white guy in line at Wendy’s was reading a book. Some frilly little kind of book. It could have been Emily Dickinson for all I know. He was dressed in smug glasses with a little scarf and some kind of twee little indie petticoat...
He ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it. Whatever. It was thoroughly disgusting. I felt the angry eyes of other people in line linking me and this loser together as though we came as a socioeconomic couplet. I almost had to apologize to the crowd.I half expected Howley to swagger up and offer this young gent from cubesville some new colors for his paintbox. Then I remembered: No human contact!
How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he can’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to just forget about?You could feel it, brah. Dudes be like "damn!" What? No, they didn't say "damn" -- it was in the undercurrent!
Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?
And here’s the bitter irony: THAT guy is probably some kind of liberal blogger who makes his living accusing Republicans of being racist.Wait. Waaaaaait.
He didn't just --
Okay I double-checked, he did.
THAT guy is exactly like the kind of dweeb who would Tweet at me after this column runs and tell me I’m making all sorts of culturally insensitive “microaggressions.”Also the kind of dweeb who'd hog the couch at this party, talking to this chick when I'm tuh-RY-ing to get with her, TODD!
Much has been made lately of Felix Salmon's advice to young journalists, but really, the best thing to tell them is this: Angle for a wingnut welfare sinecure, and pray for a boss who's too busy to read your copy.
UPDATE. Comments are just too good. From Another Kiwi:
Moby Dick by Patrick Howley. Call me Ishpatrick. A fucking white whale, are you kidding me? In this neighbourhood? Man, get your frilly petticoat ass out of here before the black folks take to you with torches and pitchforks. Me, I'll be down at the Sudz 'n' Spin ignoring all those dumb fucks. Now watch some bastard steal my writing, yeah, it figures.Also enjoy dex's comment, which begins "i don't say he's a great man. patrick howley never made a lot of money..." and several others.
"Liberals want to stop men from checking out women,"Presumably, by playing Pet Shop Boys tunes at them.
ReplyDelete"My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face."
ReplyDeleteGee, how could that ambition have gone wrong? Maybe because a: you have no writing ability to speak of; and b. unlike Mailer for all his many flaws, you utterly lack empathy and insight into others' character, which does a lot to explain this ridiculous fantasy you go into later on about the occupation and psyche of the other white guy at the downtown Wendy's.
My recommendation to Mr. Howley is that he seriously consider taking up heroin addiction. It'll either help him to get his word together or it'll take him out of his (and our) misery.
Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?
ReplyDeleteC’mon, dude.
Black people order on the menu at wendys without preferences because they are real like that. If it comes with ketchup they eat the damn ketchup--know whut i'm sayin?
ReplyDelete"(T)wee little indie petticoat" "Petticoat?" If I saw some fella at my downmarket neighborhood Wendy's who was wearing vintage ladies' underclothing ON THE OUTSIDE I'd be thinking "Now there's someone clearly secure in his fashion-forward choices. Dweeby hipster don't give a shit..."
ReplyDeleteMy adolescent desire to be Norman mailer didn't pan out, so I had to settle for "waxen James Whitmore bobblehead manque".
ReplyDeleteBut fuck you, fuck you all, anyway.
I keep my head down, I don’t judge anybody, I don’t smile, I don’t make
ReplyDeletetrouble, I don’t let anybody touch me, I’ll give somebody a cigarette if
they need it.So ... what, he throws the cigarette at them without making eye contact? Yeah, I could see how that would be endearing.
"I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it." Is it racist to wonder whether all the black folks in his neigborhood know about this? I'm guessing no, because nobody of any race knows about it. Is it stupid to wonder who's stealing his stuff, if anybody actually is? Perhaps.
ReplyDeleteSome actively try, while to others it apparently comes naturally.
ReplyDeletewe came as a socioeconomic couplet.HOT.
ReplyDeleteIf he can shrug his face maybe he can get work as a contortionist.
ReplyDeleteI smell a little fictioning. A guy in a petticoat is one thing, but note that his book was wearing something similar, and that's just weird.
ReplyDeleteHe sure makes a lot of assumptions.
ReplyDeleteDo black people respect him? Does he get a "pass" even though he's white? Here's what I think about that: Some blacks may respect him; others may not. Some may think he gets a "pass;" others don't. (Probably a lot of people would wonder "A pass for what? What are you even talking about?") Opinions would vary.
You know why? Because black people don't all think the SAME WAY, Patrick.
For all he knows, that other white guy at the Wendy's may be more conservative than he is.
ReplyDeleteFor all I know, that hipster-looking dude at the Wendy's might not even exist. He could have made it all up.
I'm thinking "crocheted Kindle cozy like his room-mate crafts and sells on etsy".
ReplyDeleteAnd when they don't and it holds up the line, I have a feeling this guy heads straight to his keyboard to angrily rant about how ghetto behavior like that is the real cause of racism. In other words, I think his solidarity with minorities has a selective aspect to it.
ReplyDeleteI figured a "frilly book" means the prose is full of unnecessary adjectives and gratuitous plot twists. Bringing text like that into a restaurant is bound to stir up the racial tension.
ReplyDeleteSpanish laundromats - do they have tapas at 2 a.m.?
ReplyDeleteThis is a tried and tested wingnut literary trifecta.
ReplyDeleteAuthor as victim? Check
Cluelessness about racial issues? Check
Hippie punching voyeurism? Check
Howley is on the right career path if he aspires to be not Norman Mailer, but Victor Davis Hanson.
I don’t judge anybody
ReplyDeleteImmediately followed by a judgmental screed. Nicely done. Definitely a conservative.
THAT guy is exactly like the kind of dweeb who would Tweet at me after
ReplyDeletethis column runs and tell me I’m making all sorts of culturally
insensitive “microaggressions.”
And ain't nobody gonna minimize his macroagressions.
My goodness. The boy is wound tighter than a mandolin string:
ReplyDeleteWhere, oh where can I find one of these sweet paid gigs where all I do is accuse my ideological opponents of wrongthink? Do I just need to project more?
The funny/sad/scary part is that he starts off with a decent point (don't be a d-bag in Wendy's, particularly when you are representing your race) and then takes a hard pivot deep into ressentiment. Not to be too much of an armchair analyst, but this guy seems to be hanging around the GOP because that's his best shot at a front-row seat for a curbstomping.
"Now as white people go,yadda yadda blah de blah..."
ReplyDeleteJesus... there's so much inherent sad sack self-loathing in that paragraph that I racked my brain for ten minutes and decided that making a snarky comment about this guy's lameness would be like kicking an ugly dog. I just couldn't do it. Patrick, here's five bucks. Go have a Whopper and a Coke, on me.
You know who else got crapped on by others in his profession?
ReplyDeleteHey! Some people may have CRT monitors! You could break a hand that way!
ReplyDeleteI find it hard to believe that no one wants to mess with the poor, smelly loser who doesn't make eye contact. It must be the respect.
ReplyDeletehacks take my material and get famous with it
ReplyDeleteWorse, they steal it even before he writes it.
Of course they do. Why else do you think Mitt Romney only got 8% of their vote?
ReplyDeleteGo have a Whopper and a Coke, on me."What do liberal hipsters call a Whopper?"
ReplyDelete"I dunno; I didn't go into a Burger King."
Ah, that explains it. And everybody in the laundromat knows about it because he tells them, at some length. If they don't run away.
ReplyDeleteWow dude, smoking in front of a laundromat... LIVING DANGEROUSLY. Better get a ghetto pass or you'll be murdered.
ReplyDeleteoh no
ReplyDeletei don't say he's a great man. patrick howley never made a lot of money. his name was only in the daily caller. he lives alone. he doesn't bother to shave a lot of the time. he's skinny and mediocre-looking. he dresses frumpy. no one dates him for very long. he's not the finest character that ever lived. but he's a human being, and a terrible thing has happened to him at wendy's. so attention must be paid. he's not to be allowed to be linked with some loser as a socioeconomic couplet. attention, attention must finally be paid to such a person. you tweeted him and accused him of "microaggressions"...no a lot of people think he's lost his...balance. but you don't have to be some liberal blogger to see what his trouble is. the man is exhausted. a small man can be just as exhausted as a great man. he gets crapped on by others in his profession while hacks take his material and get famous with it...why shouldn't he stand outside the spanish laundromat chain-smoking at 2am? why? when he has to go to charley and borrow fifty dollars a week and pretend to me that it's his pay? how long can that go on? how long? you see what i'm sitting here waiting for? and you tell me he has no character? the man who's adolescent desire to be norman mailer didn't really pan out? when does he get the medal for that? my face.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing "frilly book" means not very many illustrations.
ReplyDeleteNeeds moar bow-tie.
ReplyDelete"Black people order Wendy's like this, liberal white hipsters order Wendy's like that."
ReplyDelete"Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?" Another bit of cinema-quality projection.
ReplyDeleteBut what if it's full of Art Nouveau illustrations?
ReplyDeleteYou're the real racist and I'm the real hipster! My books are not frilly and my sunglasses are not smug!
ReplyDeleteHowley isn't a hipster, he's a failed hipster... he eats artisanal crow.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere, Pajama Boy is calling him a dweeb.
Maybe he meant "waistcoat?"
ReplyDeleteHell, I don't know. I'm not a professional writer like he is.
And every street you ever walked is mapped out on your face.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget the fedora!
ReplyDeletehis book was wearing something similar, and that's just weird
ReplyDeleteYou know nothing of accessorising, sir!
Ooh... faux pas. Let me put down my Emily Dickinson book just long enough to employ the "Edit" function.
ReplyDeleteOnly after the open-mike flamenco.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I go to Wendy's for the chili... do I have to represent my race too?
ReplyDeleteScat porn is a valid career choice, sir!
ReplyDeleteRight, so...ordering the chicken salad at Wendy's: disgusting racist.
ReplyDeletePublishing screeds about how the dusky hordes are responsible for all the crime, and they'd be rich if they'd just get married instead of spending all the money on fried chicken and watermelon: Honest conservative truth telling.
I think I'm going to need a cheat sheet on the exam. This material is kind of counter-intuitive.
You gotta behave really badly if you're representing the human race.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a trilby as a change of pace.
ReplyDelete"Son, it's time you stopped hanging around laundromats and Wendy's bumming change and go back home to the Family Dollar stockboy job where you belong, and don't inflict this nonsense on the intertubes anymore."
ReplyDeleteIs that from that great play Death of a Hack Material Supplier?
ReplyDelete+1 you bastard
ReplyDeleteLearn the trick that makes every Boner Pill Manufacturer hate this couple!!
ReplyDelete"I don't judge anybody" is actually kind of perfect, in its own way, after the description of himself looking like a character actor who plays ex-junkies jonesing for a fix on street corners. The implication seems to be that if you are white in a largely black area you can blend in by looking like shit and throwing cigarettes to the lions.
ReplyDeleteI suppose "young man from Nantucket" is socioeconomy of a form.
ReplyDeleteOf course, there are plenty of valid reasons, healthwise, religious, simple fucking preference, why Petticoat-Dickinson Boy would avoid certain foodstuffs.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the stupid racial angle, I have an African-American friend who is allergic to tomatoes, he has to be persnickety about his orders... he's anything but a hipster.
Roy, can I ask you a personal question: Do you like chicken sandwiches with all kinds of preconditions?
ReplyDelete"Get a pass" means: don't get mugged. Its clear from his description he has no more interaction with his neighbors than a log floating down a stream has with the fish.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how these conservative columnists ALWAYS observe someone doing the exact thing the columnist wants to comment on?
ReplyDeleteIt's like the conservative columnist can feel a disturbance in the Force (the Farce?) and always arrives in time to observe the proper actions they wish to fit into a column.
Uncanny, it is.
Well, if they're busy eating fried chicken and watermelon, they won't be trying to grab the guns of cops, like they're constantly doing.
ReplyDeleteNot enough classical references.
ReplyDeleteThe guy was reading Tom Clancy rather than WEB Griffith.
ReplyDeleteAllergic to tomatoes? Is he prejudiced against Italians?
ReplyDeleteBecause REAL punchable assholes go to Wendy's and order their Hot 'n' Juicy with triple bacon and extra mayo, because F.U. moozlems and Obama, that's why!
ReplyDeleteThe question flouts HIPAA regulations!
ReplyDeleteHey, didn't I already do that?
ReplyDeleteHe'd better not be, or I'll bop him on his testa!
ReplyDeleteHell, I'm surprised he got ANY percentage of the vote.
ReplyDeleteIts not a couplet though. Maybe they make a socioeconomic haiku?
ReplyDeleteTwo white men
in wendys
so different
He ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thecomicstrips.com/properties/bloom/art_images/cg4f7e01356beaa.jpg
When liberals order Hot 'n' Juicy with triple bacon and extra mayo it's because they are antisemitic.
ReplyDeleteThe second line is implied.
ReplyDeleteIn his next column, Howley will criticize a white dude at Long John Silver's for preferring oysters to snails
ReplyDeleteI want to sit beneath a blossoming cherry tree and gaze at the rising full moon with this comment.
ReplyDeleteEvery so often, I end up in traffic behind someone who sits at a green light for a good six or seven seconds. When that happens, I like to vent my frustration by imagining that the driver was distracted because the driver was masturbating to something sad and shameful. It never occurred to me to write that into a column and send it to an (*ahem*) news source, but I suppose that's why I'll never have a seat on the wingnut welfare gravy train.
ReplyDeleteI'd guess he took a shine to Mailer because he read about his run-ins with feminists, not due to anything Mailer wrote.
ReplyDeletethis just made my day
ReplyDeleteDoesn't that depend on what's in his bucket?
ReplyDeleteMan, Fred Savage's kid has really come down in the world
ReplyDeletePork Pie or no pie
ReplyDeleteWho wouldn't love watching a cage match between Hawley and Matt Drudge over fedora rights.
ReplyDeleteGirl writers are icky, bro.
ReplyDeleteAimais makes the joke like this, but ColBatGuanos make the joke like that.
ReplyDeleteI just had to go to The Daily Caller to read his column in its entirety. Maybe there's some sort of context. Maybe Patrick isn't as stupid as these excerpts make him sound.
ReplyDeleteNope. He's just as stupid as anything, and the comment section there is even worse. If I'm feeling argumentative later on, I may just jump down into that den of trolls and start something.
At a fast food joint
ReplyDeleteWhite conservative blogger
Who thinks he fits in
Gives me a quick nod
With his punchable visage;
"I'm with you, brother!"
He thinks I don't know
Of his digital feces,
The silly cracker.
Umm... I think that's a sneaker print...
ReplyDeleteI live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.
ReplyDelete"But if I could only make a woman feel worse by ogling her tits, I'd feel better about my life choices."
I'm also kind of wondering: does this guy know how many shades of blackness there are? Why does he think he knows that this guy wasn't black?
ReplyDeleteGet famous for it is rather an amazing claim. I, too, am known far and wide as an incredible writer...well, not known as such...well, not for my writing...well, not for anything that I've done, really...
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he's talking about one of those heavy wool coats with the big buttons. I've seen maybe one guy dressed like the person he's describing here, and that guy was pretty much an art school elemental.
ReplyDeleteThe frilly Emily Dickinson. Of course, with the petticoat and the Belle of Amherst in towit may have been a woman all along.
ReplyDeleteJ. Robert would agree with you:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hks.harvard.edu/sdn/sdnimages/large.oppenheimer.jpg
Enjoy the free-range, hormone-free, humanely-treated Raven, asshole!
ReplyDeleteChrist, that really is him. I'll give him mediocre looking but on the strength of the rest of his writing I have to say I give him an F because he left me with the impression he looked like Roosh V of Return of the Kings or some other skanked out drug addict.
ReplyDeleteI think you are on to something. I would like to help this comment tittivate itself until it is as effulgent as possible.
ReplyDeleteHere's what really bugs me about that sentence: what the hell does not letting anybody touch him have to do with anything? Is that some kind of unwritten ghetto law, that upon entering the ghetto some guy runs up to you and tries to grab your arm or clap you on the shoulder or something, and if you step back smartly brother can hang, but if you don't he shanks you in the kidney a couple of times?
ReplyDeleteDid I miss a comment? Apologies.
ReplyDeletePossible connection: In the world of...let's call it "specialized erotica," the term "petticoating" denotes a story with forced cross-dressing.
ReplyDeleteIt's perfect though. He can claim responsibility for all the great literature. He just doesn't have any way to prove it.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, I wrote "Atonement" and then that lowlife Ian McEwan stole it from me and got famous. Hack.
I briefly had Tommy from "Trainspotting" in my mind, but I guess he's more Ryan from the American version of "The Office". Somehow, I wasn't surprised.
ReplyDeleteCome on. You want respect, you go to Wendy's on a Tuesday.
ReplyDelete"hacks take my material and get famous with it." (Citation Needed)
ReplyDeleteshitthatdidnthappen.txt
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, that is a bit fraught, isn't it? I should have just left it with "don't be a d-bag". Or possibly "WTF did you expect the minimum-wage schlubs at Wendy's to make for you, o precious snowflake?"
ReplyDeleteApologies for the foot-in-mouth.
No eye contact, crappy clothes, unshaven- people give him a wide berth because they think he's a junkie.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is even worse, he's a Koch fiend.
Quoth the counter guy, "Nevermore!"
ReplyDeletePersonally, I go for the hush puppies.
ReplyDeleteI had to read "The Naked and The Dead" in High School a long time ago. My dad was in the Korean War, so I asked him, "Did people really talk like this? Did they really say "fug"?" My dad laughed, and said "Norman likes to play himself off as a real tough guy, but he folded pretty quick when They told him he couldn't use the word "fuck"."
ReplyDeleteSweet squiggly FSM, he can't even discuss how down he is with the natives without a brief detour to Wahville:
ReplyDeleteNobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.
Because these are things people can tell by looking at him. But it's hilarious that his proof of acceptance by the natives is the thuggity thugs don't play the knock down game with him.
Of course, it couldn't be they're avoiding him because he's repulsive, they give not a single shit, and/or know that if he starts 2nd Amendmenting all over the place the police and the press will be there to condemn the horrible thuggity thugs who provoked him.
How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he
can’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent
of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to
just forget about?
OMG! How could this popinjay not notice he was in a restaurant full of T-H-E-M and the slightest faux pas would turn them into a ravening horde that can only be sated with the blood of white men??
This guy's ok with de black folk, but NO GAYS! All that 'twee' and all those frills... NO NO NO!
ReplyDeleteA "pea coat."
ReplyDeleteHe really does come across as painfully self-conscious.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think they'd then say "Where's my muthafuckin' ice tea?" but according to fieldwork by noted urban anthropologist William O'Reilly, they actually don't.
ReplyDeletePeople go to Wendy's to forget about racial tension? Why isn't that the ad campaign?
ReplyDeleteHe ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it.
ReplyDeleteAt least he is not damaging race attitudes by going into bars and ordering complicated cocktails.
Are there more than 50?
ReplyDelete"Now there's someone clearly secure in his fashion-forward choices. Dweeby hipster don't give a shit..."
ReplyDeletehttps://newbeautifulera.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/gary-larsen.png
Also:
ReplyDeletehttp://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zS9HWlD-ywo/TvoSiY_gGBI/AAAAAAAASV0/DT_ouNe9-PU/s640/tasteless22na3.jpg
Howley: Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my
ReplyDeletegenerally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way
more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to
shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress
frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my
profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.
Bennett Brauer as played by Chris Farley: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think
the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere
replaced by one of them store mannequins. Well maybe I'm not "the norm".
I'm not "camera friendly", I don't "wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a
"heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "how
that works", I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "wipe
properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no
"charisma", I don't "own a toothbrush", I don't "let my scabs heal", I
can't "reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I "sweat profusely."
But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack
and Jane K. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to
commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own
dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in
high school".
I'll never forget Patrick Howley's brave lunch-counter sit-in at the Wendy's in 2015. The man just went up to the cashier, asked for a Baconator, not smiling, not judging. "Would you like lettuce, tomato, mayo?" she asked?
ReplyDelete"Don't matter," he said, looking at the ground. It didn't matter. That's not what he was there for. He thought about ordering a Frosty, but she'd already entered the order. Only a gentrifier would make such a demand.
"Your order is number 12," she said. He took the receipt and sat down, staring at it. He would have brought a book, but he was trying to strike a blow for racial understanding, and he knew black people don't like books.
Yeah. That's what he means, in his totally not-racist way.
ReplyDeleteHe looks dirty and crazy enough that those people don't be doing any of that violence upon him, which is such a large part of their culture--even though he's WHITE!!! And we all know, those people just can't stop from hating on the White Man, so he's pretty special to get a pass like that.
"frilly" means it has words.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteNow as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my generally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it. My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face.
ReplyDeleteI am The fucking Virginian, motherfucker! When you call me that, SMILE!!
Nobody dates me for very long.
ReplyDeleteWell color me surprised.
Probably he was confused by the failure to shout "where's my motherfuckin' iced tea."
ReplyDeleteSounds like ernst borgnine playing ragnar hairy breeks jumping to his death in king aela's snake pit. Probably not a great idea.
ReplyDeleteNo my error i just thought it really loudly. Apologies to you mr bat guano.
ReplyDeletePost after post of "oh yeah, well liberals are the real racists!" gets old pretty fast.
ReplyDeleteYes because where black people are is just like a cafeteria scene from OZ.
ReplyDeleteOops now i just double booked a joke. Should have kept reading oldest first.
ReplyDeleteAnd that unlikable cross-dressing man who was overly fussy about chicken sandwiches grew up to be ... J. Edgar Hoover.
ReplyDeleteMake that a Dave's Hot 'n Juicy...Uh, we've already been over "we came as a socioeconomic couplet."
ReplyDelete"Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect."
ReplyDelete...
What?
"Vent my frustration," eh? Seems like a little bit of ... projection about the other driver's activities.
ReplyDeleteSheesh, plenty of couples switch to separate beds without getting all dramatic about it.
ReplyDelete"I almost had to apologize to the crowd."
ReplyDelete"Hey, guys, don't look at me that way...I'm one of the good ones."
A multiracial group shouting "We have no beef!" in unison?
ReplyDeleteWinner: all of us.
ReplyDelete#notallhipsters
ReplyDeleteHe's actually moderately good looking, in a young Fred Savage kind of way. I've certainly "known" worse when closing time rolls around.
ReplyDeleteAs long as that mouth were kept busy biting a pillow and not speaking, we might actually make it to a second date.
"Honkies, am I right?"
ReplyDeleteMy all-time B. Kliban fave:
ReplyDeleteMy spirit animal (when it's not Dr. Dinosaur from Atomic Robo)Frank Rossitano: "They knew what a Hot Richard was?"
ReplyDelete"Liberals want to stop men from checking out women,"
ReplyDeleteI thought that was why Kanye got the microphone from Taylor Swift. But then the whole Beck thing confused me
"Liberal Hipsters Make Race Relations Worse,"
That's why all the hipsters love Prussian Blue
sorry, but I wrote Atonement before you. No other words but Atonement but I definitely wrote it back in the '60s
ReplyDeleteBuster Brown's were better
ReplyDeleteDroopy Dawg?
ReplyDeleteHowley saw the best mind of his generation by
ReplyDeletelooking in a mirror, starving hysterical naked,
dragging himself through the negro streets at dawn
looking for a fix of anger, a failed hipster burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high
sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of
Spanish laundromats,
floating across the tops of cities contemplating Rush Limbaugh
Sheesh! How many times do we have to go through this? You mean trilby, not fedora.
ReplyDeleteTo sum it all up, in Hawai'i we call guys like him, Fokkin Howley. Had to say it.
ReplyDeleteSmarmy-looking bushy eyebrows though.
ReplyDeleteAnd how they just KNOW the person is a liberal! Amazing!
ReplyDeleteWhichever of you wrote it, I hate you!!
ReplyDeleteThat whole cocktail rumpus over there made me happy that I don't have enough disposable income to worry about whether I am oppressing the populace with my beverage order. I just buy my Two-And-A-Half Buck Chuck at Trader Joe's and go home and drink it quietly by myself. Social minefield avoided.
ReplyDeleteAnd they probably don't think of him at all, really.
ReplyDeleteDamn right. An fuck them crackers that go in there and stare at the fuckin' menu for five minutes deciding' what motherfuckin' salad the want. Shit. Other folks got thangs to do!
ReplyDeleteYes, and how did Patrick know the content of the guy's book?
ReplyDeleteA perfect example of typing-as-masturbating. And a quick look through the comments there indicates his audience just licks it up, the dears.
ReplyDeleteYeah. I heard that too.
ReplyDeleteYet some Republican manages to pull it off, day after day after day.
ReplyDeleteI not looking up titivate. I'd rather trust my intuition.
ReplyDeleteI imagine sucker MCs are getting rich by stealing his rhymes, as well.
ReplyDeleteEew.
ReplyDelete(THAT’s how you gentrify, kids. Take notes).
ReplyDeleteYou wish, Howley. Lemme show you how a professional bullshitter does it:
Yesterday, I rode the bus for the first time from the stop near my house, and ended up chatting with a lifelong neighborhood resident who has just moved to Arizona, and was back visiting family. We talked about the vagaries of the city bus system, and then after a pause, he said, "You know, you may have heard us talking about you people, how we don't want you here. A lot of people are saying you all are taking the city from us. Way I feel is, you don't own a city." He paused and looked around the admittedly somewhat seedy street corner. "Besides, look what we did with it. We had it for forty years, and look what we did with it!"
So much depends
ReplyDeleteon a punchable hipster
buying salad
in the 'hood
How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he
ReplyDeletecan’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent
of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to
just forget about?
Stoking an undercurrent of racial tension? Since when is being a picky customer "stoking an undercurrent of racial tension"? I presume the salad the guy ordered was on the menu, and Wendys lets people "have it their way." I worked in fast food; the only person inconvenienced by a "special order" is the customer, who has to wait by the side while it gets prepared.
How did Mr. Howley turn out this way. Is he really so obsessed that he can't even go to a downmarket Wendy's without seeing ooga-booga in every interaction.
*snaps fingers*
ReplyDeleteFirst, you get a job with the racial tension railroad...
ReplyDelete~
That's as maybe, but how the fuck do you get petticoat out of pea coat? And why get upset over a pea coat?
ReplyDeletePatrick Howley, or as he's known in the neighborhood "That creepy white dude who's always out by the SuperSuds late at night"
ReplyDeleteKLIBAN! Thank you reminding me of him. My favorite (or used to be) was the one with the man with the tattoo that read "born to eat toast." Can't find it with Google though. And I used to have a copy of this, but I have no idea what happened to it. Damn.
ReplyDeleteSince Mr. Yutz decided that if he was going to lie, he might as well lie big.
ReplyDeleteApparently, ordering something that's on the menu and asking to hold the mayo is a d-bag in Howley's world.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the laundromat guy is planning on gentrifying through barter:free cigarettes for this worthless old briwnstone. Otherwise i cant figure out why he thinks a down at heels loser like himself constitutes dome kind of gentrification.
ReplyDelete"Yeah, you sure showed that imaginary liberal guy, didn't you, Patrick?"
ReplyDelete"Lemme tell you about the imaginary liberal guy I ran into the other day....."
He just needs to leave his chainsaw in his front yard for a few hours.
ReplyDeleteI envy your close collaborative relationship. I wrote the Rabbit tetralogy, but my wife and I only wrote the Maple stories.
ReplyDeleteAnd my handlebar mustache doesn't say anything about my mental state.
ReplyDeleteMister, you're a better man than I.
ReplyDeleteIf you cant get upset over tandom hipster clothing you just aren't trying.
ReplyDeleteThat guy...I know what he would tweet at me...I just know he's a liberal blogger...I just can tell he makes his living accusing Republicans of being racist. Well I have news for him: I defy everything I just know he stands for! I openly refuse to interact with him in any way! I punch him in the nose in my mind! And I just know he doesn't have the courage (that I have) to punch me back, because I just know he's the exactly the kind of person I think he is!
ReplyDeleteIm upvoting but it won't register so consider yourself upvoted. That thread was so dumb i had to keep checking to make sure i hadnt wandered away from lgm. Alas: i hadnt.
ReplyDeleteThank you, kind sir.
ReplyDeleteThe weird thing is, he's positively dreamy compared with most of his Waffenbrüder.
ReplyDeleteHis self-assessment made me think of Hellblazer...
ReplyDeletehttp://s7.postimg.org/xa8eiryt7/10982439_327981930739699_8895343216890334455_n_j.jpg
Her profession. Veronika Moser.
ReplyDeleteHave you seen the price of pea coats lately? Huh?
ReplyDeleteNot much demand for a deracinated James Dean these days.
ReplyDeleteUpvoted for obscurity.
ReplyDeleteServing his time in the fry-cook Freikorps.
ReplyDeleteThis hipster is like a one-man big government, with all his regulatin' that sandwich.
ReplyDeleteIf he sold the cigarettes for a dollar each, the cops would eventually strangle him never stop to wonder what he was doing.
ReplyDeleteApparently FREEDOM!!! doesn't apply in the queue at Wendy's.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Howley could consider jumping on the right-to-carry bandwagon. That would clear the line in front of him pretty quick.
Doesn't it seem probable that Mailer thought highly enough of Emily Dickinson? "Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me" feels like a line he might've turned over in his head a time or two.
ReplyDeleteThere's a good chance he would have punched Howley for any number of reasons, face being just one.
Haha, "my adolescent desire" -- turns out dude was born in 1989, so he's basically still an adolescent. Maybe stop throwing away your youth on being a rightwing waterboy, Howley, and get back to trying to write something real. You've still got time.
ReplyDelete"How does a person turn out this way?"
ReplyDeleteMy hypothesis — too much arugula in his baby food. (Arugula is waaaaaaayy worse than soy or even vaccines.)
The reference is completely lost on me but I endorse the sentiment.
ReplyDelete