Wednesday, February 11, 2015

THE SECRET OF HIS SUCCESS.

The Daily Caller's Patrick Howley, one of whose previous efforts for the cause -- a column called "Liberals want to stop men from checking out women," in which he suggested girls longed for him to stare at their tits -- was covered here in December 2013, has not changed his game. His latest is called "Liberal Hipsters Make Race Relations Worse," but before we get an explanation we have to hear how cool Patrick Howley is because he lives among black people:
Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my generally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it. My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face.
In other words, I get a pass. I don’t get hassled if I’m chain-smoking outside a Spanish laundromat at two in the morning on a Wednesday. I carry myself like I’m supposed to be there. I keep my head down, I don’t judge anybody, I don’t smile, I don’t make trouble, I don’t let anybody touch me, I’ll give somebody a cigarette if they need it. It’s fine. (THAT’s how you gentrify, kids. Take notes).
THAT's how you get a ghetto pass, kids -- shamble about like vintage Tim Roth and emanate self-loathing. And no touching! Black people respect that.

But some cats can't hang --
But lo and behold, this other white guy in line at Wendy’s was reading a book. Some frilly little kind of book. It could have been Emily Dickinson for all I know. He was dressed in smug glasses with a little scarf and some kind of twee little indie petticoat... 
He ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it. Whatever. It was thoroughly disgusting. I felt the angry eyes of other people in line linking me and this loser together as though we came as a socioeconomic couplet. I almost had to apologize to the crowd.
I half expected Howley to swagger up and offer this young gent from cubesville some new colors for his paintbox. Then I remembered: No human contact!
How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he can’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to just forget about?
You could feel it, brah. Dudes be like "damn!" What? No, they didn't say "damn" -- it was in the undercurrent!
Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?
And here’s the bitter irony: THAT guy is probably some kind of liberal blogger who makes his living accusing Republicans of being racist.
Wait. Waaaaaait.
He didn't just --
Okay I double-checked, he did.
THAT guy is exactly like the kind of dweeb who would Tweet at me after this column runs and tell me I’m making all sorts of culturally insensitive “microaggressions.” 
Also the kind of dweeb who'd hog the couch at this party, talking to this chick when I'm tuh-RY-ing to get with her, TODD!

Much has been made lately of Felix Salmon's advice to young journalists, but really, the best thing to tell them is this: Angle for a wingnut welfare sinecure, and pray for a boss who's too busy to read your copy.

UPDATE. Comments are just too good. From Another Kiwi:
Moby Dick by Patrick Howley. Call me Ishpatrick. A fucking white whale, are you kidding me? In this neighbourhood? Man, get your frilly petticoat ass out of here before the black folks take to you with torches and pitchforks. Me, I'll be down at the Sudz 'n' Spin ignoring all those dumb fucks. Now watch some bastard steal my writing, yeah, it figures.
Also enjoy dex's comment, which begins "i don't say he's a great man. patrick howley never made a lot of money..." and several others.

297 comments:

  1. "Liberals want to stop men from checking out women,"Presumably, by playing Pet Shop Boys tunes at them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Cato the Censor3:05 PM

    "My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face."
    Gee, how could that ambition have gone wrong? Maybe because a: you have no writing ability to speak of; and b. unlike Mailer for all his many flaws, you utterly lack empathy and insight into others' character, which does a lot to explain this ridiculous fantasy you go into later on about the occupation and psyche of the other white guy at the downtown Wendy's.
    My recommendation to Mr. Howley is that he seriously consider taking up heroin addiction. It'll either help him to get his word together or it'll take him out of his (and our) misery.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Buffalo Rude3:14 PM

    Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?


    C’mon, dude.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Black people order on the menu at wendys without preferences because they are real like that. If it comes with ketchup they eat the damn ketchup--know whut i'm sayin?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jaime Oria3:26 PM

    "(T)wee little indie petticoat" "Petticoat?" If I saw some fella at my downmarket neighborhood Wendy's who was wearing vintage ladies' underclothing ON THE OUTSIDE I'd be thinking "Now there's someone clearly secure in his fashion-forward choices. Dweeby hipster don't give a shit..."

    ReplyDelete
  6. coozledad3:29 PM

    My adolescent desire to be Norman mailer didn't pan out, so I had to settle for "waxen James Whitmore bobblehead manque".


    But fuck you, fuck you all, anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I keep my head down, I don’t judge anybody, I don’t smile, I don’t make
    trouble, I don’t let anybody touch me, I’ll give somebody a cigarette if
    they need it.So ... what, he throws the cigarette at them without making eye contact? Yeah, I could see how that would be endearing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it." Is it racist to wonder whether all the black folks in his neigborhood know about this? I'm guessing no, because nobody of any race knows about it. Is it stupid to wonder who's stealing his stuff, if anybody actually is? Perhaps.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Some actively try, while to others it apparently comes naturally.

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  10. we came as a socioeconomic couplet.HOT.

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  11. If he can shrug his face maybe he can get work as a contortionist.

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  12. I smell a little fictioning. A guy in a petticoat is one thing, but note that his book was wearing something similar, and that's just weird.

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  13. He sure makes a lot of assumptions.


    Do black people respect him? Does he get a "pass" even though he's white? Here's what I think about that: Some blacks may respect him; others may not. Some may think he gets a "pass;" others don't. (Probably a lot of people would wonder "A pass for what? What are you even talking about?") Opinions would vary.


    You know why? Because black people don't all think the SAME WAY, Patrick.

    ReplyDelete
  14. For all he knows, that other white guy at the Wendy's may be more conservative than he is.


    For all I know, that hipster-looking dude at the Wendy's might not even exist. He could have made it all up.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jaime Oria3:42 PM

    I'm thinking "crocheted Kindle cozy like his room-mate crafts and sells on etsy".

    ReplyDelete
  16. LookWhosInTheFreezer3:45 PM

    And when they don't and it holds up the line, I have a feeling this guy heads straight to his keyboard to angrily rant about how ghetto behavior like that is the real cause of racism. In other words, I think his solidarity with minorities has a selective aspect to it.

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  17. I figured a "frilly book" means the prose is full of unnecessary adjectives and gratuitous plot twists. Bringing text like that into a restaurant is bound to stir up the racial tension.

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  18. Spanish laundromats - do they have tapas at 2 a.m.?

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  19. Ted the slacker3:46 PM

    This is a tried and tested wingnut literary trifecta.

    Author as victim? Check
    Cluelessness about racial issues? Check
    Hippie punching voyeurism? Check

    Howley is on the right career path if he aspires to be not Norman Mailer, but Victor Davis Hanson.

    ReplyDelete
  20. LookWhosInTheFreezer3:47 PM

    I don’t judge anybody


    Immediately followed by a judgmental screed. Nicely done. Definitely a conservative.

    ReplyDelete
  21. tigrismus3:48 PM

    THAT guy is exactly like the kind of dweeb who would Tweet at me after
    this column runs and tell me I’m making all sorts of culturally
    insensitive “microaggressions.”


    And ain't nobody gonna minimize his macroagressions.

    ReplyDelete
  22. BigHank533:48 PM

    My goodness. The boy is wound tighter than a mandolin string:



    Where, oh where can I find one of these sweet paid gigs where all I do is accuse my ideological opponents of wrongthink? Do I just need to project more?

    The funny/sad/scary part is that he starts off with a decent point (don't be a d-bag in Wendy's, particularly when you are representing your race) and then takes a hard pivot deep into ressentiment. Not to be too much of an armchair analyst, but this guy seems to be hanging around the GOP because that's his best shot at a front-row seat for a curbstomping.

    ReplyDelete
  23. satch3:51 PM

    "Now as white people go,yadda yadda blah de blah..."

    Jesus... there's so much inherent sad sack self-loathing in that paragraph that I racked my brain for ten minutes and decided that making a snarky comment about this guy's lameness would be like kicking an ugly dog. I just couldn't do it. Patrick, here's five bucks. Go have a Whopper and a Coke, on me.

    ReplyDelete
  24. coozledad3:52 PM

    You know who else got crapped on by others in his profession?

    ReplyDelete
  25. calling all toasters3:55 PM

    Hey! Some people may have CRT monitors! You could break a hand that way!

    ReplyDelete
  26. calling all toasters3:57 PM

    I find it hard to believe that no one wants to mess with the poor, smelly loser who doesn't make eye contact. It must be the respect.

    ReplyDelete
  27. smut clyde4:00 PM

    hacks take my material and get famous with it
    Worse, they steal it even before he writes it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Angrifon4:00 PM

    Of course they do. Why else do you think Mitt Romney only got 8% of their vote?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Go have a Whopper and a Coke, on me."What do liberal hipsters call a Whopper?"


    "I dunno; I didn't go into a Burger King."

    ReplyDelete
  30. Ah, that explains it. And everybody in the laundromat knows about it because he tells them, at some length. If they don't run away.

    ReplyDelete
  31. SatanicPanic4:07 PM

    Wow dude, smoking in front of a laundromat... LIVING DANGEROUSLY. Better get a ghetto pass or you'll be murdered.

    ReplyDelete
  32. SatanicPanic4:08 PM

    oh no

    ReplyDelete
  33. i don't say he's a great man. patrick howley never made a lot of money. his name was only in the daily caller. he lives alone. he doesn't bother to shave a lot of the time. he's skinny and mediocre-looking. he dresses frumpy. no one dates him for very long. he's not the finest character that ever lived. but he's a human being, and a terrible thing has happened to him at wendy's. so attention must be paid. he's not to be allowed to be linked with some loser as a socioeconomic couplet. attention, attention must finally be paid to such a person. you tweeted him and accused him of "microaggressions"...no a lot of people think he's lost his...balance. but you don't have to be some liberal blogger to see what his trouble is. the man is exhausted. a small man can be just as exhausted as a great man. he gets crapped on by others in his profession while hacks take his material and get famous with it...why shouldn't he stand outside the spanish laundromat chain-smoking at 2am? why? when he has to go to charley and borrow fifty dollars a week and pretend to me that it's his pay? how long can that go on? how long? you see what i'm sitting here waiting for? and you tell me he has no character? the man who's adolescent desire to be norman mailer didn't really pan out? when does he get the medal for that? my face.

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  34. ColBatGuano4:09 PM

    I'm guessing "frilly book" means not very many illustrations.

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  35. smut clyde4:10 PM

    Needs moar bow-tie.

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  36. ColBatGuano4:11 PM

    "Black people order Wendy's like this, liberal white hipsters order Wendy's like that."

    ReplyDelete
  37. John Wesley Hardin4:18 PM

    "Is he actively trying to be a punchable asshole?" Another bit of cinema-quality projection.

    ReplyDelete
  38. But what if it's full of Art Nouveau illustrations?

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  39. dstatton4:20 PM

    You're the real racist and I'm the real hipster! My books are not frilly and my sunglasses are not smug!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Howley isn't a hipster, he's a failed hipster... he eats artisanal crow.

    Somewhere, Pajama Boy is calling him a dweeb.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Maybe he meant "waistcoat?"

    Hell, I don't know. I'm not a professional writer like he is.

    ReplyDelete
  42. smut clyde4:22 PM

    And every street you ever walked is mapped out on your face.

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  43. smut clyde4:23 PM

    his book was wearing something similar, and that's just weird
    You know nothing of accessorising, sir!

    ReplyDelete
  44. satch4:24 PM

    Ooh... faux pas. Let me put down my Emily Dickinson book just long enough to employ the "Edit" function.

    ReplyDelete
  45. smut clyde4:25 PM

    Only after the open-mike flamenco.

    ReplyDelete
  46. satch4:25 PM

    Personally, I go to Wendy's for the chili... do I have to represent my race too?

    ReplyDelete
  47. smut clyde4:26 PM

    Scat porn is a valid career choice, sir!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Lurking Canadian4:26 PM

    Right, so...ordering the chicken salad at Wendy's: disgusting racist.


    Publishing screeds about how the dusky hordes are responsible for all the crime, and they'd be rich if they'd just get married instead of spending all the money on fried chicken and watermelon: Honest conservative truth telling.


    I think I'm going to need a cheat sheet on the exam. This material is kind of counter-intuitive.

    ReplyDelete
  49. smut clyde4:27 PM

    You gotta behave really badly if you're representing the human race.

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  50. Hemidemisemiquaver4:27 PM

    Perhaps a trilby as a change of pace.

    ReplyDelete
  51. redoubtagain4:28 PM

    "Son, it's time you stopped hanging around laundromats and Wendy's bumming change and go back home to the Family Dollar stockboy job where you belong, and don't inflict this nonsense on the intertubes anymore."

    ReplyDelete
  52. Is that from that great play Death of a Hack Material Supplier?

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  53. +1 you bastard

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  54. LookWhosInTheFreezer4:29 PM

    Learn the trick that makes every Boner Pill Manufacturer hate this couple!!

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  55. "I don't judge anybody" is actually kind of perfect, in its own way, after the description of himself looking like a character actor who plays ex-junkies jonesing for a fix on street corners. The implication seems to be that if you are white in a largely black area you can blend in by looking like shit and throwing cigarettes to the lions.

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  56. smut clyde4:31 PM

    I suppose "young man from Nantucket" is socioeconomy of a form.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Of course, there are plenty of valid reasons, healthwise, religious, simple fucking preference, why Petticoat-Dickinson Boy would avoid certain foodstuffs.

    Regarding the stupid racial angle, I have an African-American friend who is allergic to tomatoes, he has to be persnickety about his orders... he's anything but a hipster.

    ReplyDelete
  58. gocart mozart4:31 PM

    Roy, can I ask you a personal question: Do you like chicken sandwiches with all kinds of preconditions?

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  59. "Get a pass" means: don't get mugged. Its clear from his description he has no more interaction with his neighbors than a log floating down a stream has with the fish.

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  60. Hemidemisemiquaver4:31 PM

    Isn't it amazing how these conservative columnists ALWAYS observe someone doing the exact thing the columnist wants to comment on?

    It's like the conservative columnist can feel a disturbance in the Force (the Farce?) and always arrives in time to observe the proper actions they wish to fit into a column.

    Uncanny, it is.

    ReplyDelete
  61. satch4:32 PM

    Well, if they're busy eating fried chicken and watermelon, they won't be trying to grab the guns of cops, like they're constantly doing.

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  62. Not enough classical references.

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  63. witlesschum4:32 PM

    The guy was reading Tom Clancy rather than WEB Griffith.

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  64. gocart mozart4:32 PM

    Allergic to tomatoes? Is he prejudiced against Italians?

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  65. Giant Monster Gamera4:33 PM

    Because REAL punchable assholes go to Wendy's and order their Hot 'n' Juicy with triple bacon and extra mayo, because F.U. moozlems and Obama, that's why!

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  66. The question flouts HIPAA regulations!

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  67. Hey, didn't I already do that?

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  68. He'd better not be, or I'll bop him on his testa!

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  69. Hell, I'm surprised he got ANY percentage of the vote.

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  70. Its not a couplet though. Maybe they make a socioeconomic haiku?
    Two white men
    in wendys
    so different

    ReplyDelete
  71. smut clyde4:35 PM

    He ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it.
    http://www.thecomicstrips.com/properties/bloom/art_images/cg4f7e01356beaa.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  72. gocart mozart4:36 PM

    When liberals order Hot 'n' Juicy with triple bacon and extra mayo it's because they are antisemitic.

    ReplyDelete
  73. smut clyde4:36 PM

    The second line is implied.

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  74. In his next column, Howley will criticize a white dude at Long John Silver's for preferring oysters to snails

    ReplyDelete
  75. Jaime Oria4:37 PM

    I want to sit beneath a blossoming cherry tree and gaze at the rising full moon with this comment.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Every so often, I end up in traffic behind someone who sits at a green light for a good six or seven seconds. When that happens, I like to vent my frustration by imagining that the driver was distracted because the driver was masturbating to something sad and shameful. It never occurred to me to write that into a column and send it to an (*ahem*) news source, but I suppose that's why I'll never have a seat on the wingnut welfare gravy train.

    ReplyDelete
  77. Ted the slacker4:39 PM

    I'd guess he took a shine to Mailer because he read about his run-ins with feminists, not due to anything Mailer wrote.

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  78. this just made my day

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  79. billcinsd4:41 PM

    Doesn't that depend on what's in his bucket?

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  80. billcinsd4:43 PM

    Man, Fred Savage's kid has really come down in the world

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  81. billcinsd4:44 PM

    Pork Pie or no pie

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  82. satch4:44 PM

    Who wouldn't love watching a cage match between Hawley and Matt Drudge over fedora rights.

    ReplyDelete
  83. gocart mozart4:45 PM

    Girl writers are icky, bro.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Pseudonym4:45 PM

    Aimais makes the joke like this, but ColBatGuanos make the joke like that.

    ReplyDelete
  85. I just had to go to The Daily Caller to read his column in its entirety. Maybe there's some sort of context. Maybe Patrick isn't as stupid as these excerpts make him sound.

    Nope. He's just as stupid as anything, and the comment section there is even worse. If I'm feeling argumentative later on, I may just jump down into that den of trolls and start something.

    ReplyDelete
  86. At a fast food joint
    White conservative blogger
    Who thinks he fits in

    Gives me a quick nod
    With his punchable visage;
    "I'm with you, brother!"

    He thinks I don't know
    Of his digital feces,
    The silly cracker.

    ReplyDelete
  87. satch4:51 PM

    Umm... I think that's a sneaker print...

    ReplyDelete
  88. Jay B.4:51 PM

    I live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.


    "But if I could only make a woman feel worse by ogling her tits, I'd feel better about my life choices."

    ReplyDelete
  89. I'm also kind of wondering: does this guy know how many shades of blackness there are? Why does he think he knows that this guy wasn't black?

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  90. Get famous for it is rather an amazing claim. I, too, am known far and wide as an incredible writer...well, not known as such...well, not for my writing...well, not for anything that I've done, really...

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  91. I'm sure he's talking about one of those heavy wool coats with the big buttons. I've seen maybe one guy dressed like the person he's describing here, and that guy was pretty much an art school elemental.

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  92. Jay B.4:53 PM

    The frilly Emily Dickinson. Of course, with the petticoat and the Belle of Amherst in towit may have been a woman all along.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Hemidemisemiquaver4:53 PM

    J. Robert would agree with you:

    http://www.hks.harvard.edu/sdn/sdnimages/large.oppenheimer.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  94. Jay B.4:54 PM

    Enjoy the free-range, hormone-free, humanely-treated Raven, asshole!

    ReplyDelete
  95. Christ, that really is him. I'll give him mediocre looking but on the strength of the rest of his writing I have to say I give him an F because he left me with the impression he looked like Roosh V of Return of the Kings or some other skanked out drug addict.

    ReplyDelete
  96. I think you are on to something. I would like to help this comment tittivate itself until it is as effulgent as possible.

    ReplyDelete
  97. runsinbackground4:59 PM

    Here's what really bugs me about that sentence: what the hell does not letting anybody touch him have to do with anything? Is that some kind of unwritten ghetto law, that upon entering the ghetto some guy runs up to you and tries to grab your arm or clap you on the shoulder or something, and if you step back smartly brother can hang, but if you don't he shanks you in the kidney a couple of times?

    ReplyDelete
  98. ColBatGuano5:00 PM

    Did I miss a comment? Apologies.

    ReplyDelete
  99. Possible connection: In the world of...let's call it "specialized erotica," the term "petticoating" denotes a story with forced cross-dressing.

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  100. ColBatGuano5:05 PM

    It's perfect though. He can claim responsibility for all the great literature. He just doesn't have any way to prove it.

    For instance, I wrote "Atonement" and then that lowlife Ian McEwan stole it from me and got famous. Hack.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Buffalo Rude5:11 PM

    I briefly had Tommy from "Trainspotting" in my mind, but I guess he's more Ryan from the American version of "The Office". Somehow, I wasn't surprised.

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  102. Come on. You want respect, you go to Wendy's on a Tuesday.

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  103. John Wesley Hardin5:19 PM

    "hacks take my material and get famous with it." (Citation Needed)

    ReplyDelete
  104. DN Nation5:21 PM

    shitthatdidnthappen.txt

    ReplyDelete
  105. BigHank535:25 PM

    My goodness, that is a bit fraught, isn't it? I should have just left it with "don't be a d-bag". Or possibly "WTF did you expect the minimum-wage schlubs at Wendy's to make for you, o precious snowflake?"

    Apologies for the foot-in-mouth.

    ReplyDelete
  106. No eye contact, crappy clothes, unshaven- people give him a wide berth because they think he's a junkie.

    The truth is even worse, he's a Koch fiend.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Quoth the counter guy, "Nevermore!"

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  108. Giant Monster Gamera5:31 PM

    Personally, I go for the hush puppies.

    ReplyDelete
  109. zencomix5:33 PM

    I had to read "The Naked and The Dead" in High School a long time ago. My dad was in the Korean War, so I asked him, "Did people really talk like this? Did they really say "fug"?" My dad laughed, and said "Norman likes to play himself off as a real tough guy, but he folded pretty quick when They told him he couldn't use the word "fuck"."

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  110. Sweet squiggly FSM, he can't even discuss how down he is with the natives without a brief detour to Wahville:

    Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.

    Because these are things people can tell by looking at him. But it's hilarious that his proof of acceptance by the natives is the thuggity thugs don't play the knock down game with him.

    Of course, it couldn't be they're avoiding him because he's repulsive, they give not a single shit, and/or know that if he starts 2nd Amendmenting all over the place the police and the press will be there to condemn the horrible thuggity thugs who provoked him.

    How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he
    can’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent
    of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to
    just forget about?

    OMG! How could this popinjay not notice he was in a restaurant full of T-H-E-M and the slightest faux pas would turn them into a ravening horde that can only be sated with the blood of white men??

    ReplyDelete
  111. This guy's ok with de black folk, but NO GAYS! All that 'twee' and all those frills... NO NO NO!

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  112. PersonaAuGratin5:50 PM

    A "pea coat."

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  113. He really does come across as painfully self-conscious.

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  114. FlipYrWhig5:55 PM

    You'd think they'd then say "Where's my muthafuckin' ice tea?" but according to fieldwork by noted urban anthropologist William O'Reilly, they actually don't.

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  115. People go to Wendy's to forget about racial tension? Why isn't that the ad campaign?

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  116. smut clyde6:01 PM

    He ordered some kind of salad-type thing and a chicken sandwich with all kinds of preconditions: no this, no that, like, uh, no I don’t want that on it.

    At least he is not damaging race attitudes by going into bars and ordering complicated cocktails.

    ReplyDelete
  117. smut clyde6:02 PM

    Are there more than 50?

    ReplyDelete
  118. smut clyde6:05 PM

    "Now there's someone clearly secure in his fashion-forward choices. Dweeby hipster don't give a shit..."
    https://newbeautifulera.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/gary-larsen.png

    ReplyDelete
  119. smut clyde6:06 PM

    Also:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zS9HWlD-ywo/TvoSiY_gGBI/AAAAAAAASV0/DT_ouNe9-PU/s640/tasteless22na3.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  120. FlipYrWhig6:07 PM

    Howley: Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my
    generally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way
    more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to
    shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress
    frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my
    profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it.


    Bennett Brauer as played by Chris Farley: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think
    the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere
    replaced by one of them store mannequins. Well maybe I'm not "the norm".
    I'm not "camera friendly", I don't "wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a
    "heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "how
    that works", I don't "fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "wipe
    properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no
    "charisma", I don't "own a toothbrush", I don't "let my scabs heal", I
    can't "reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I "sweat profusely."
    But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack
    and Jane K. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to
    commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own
    dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in
    high school".

    ReplyDelete
  121. whetstone6:15 PM

    I'll never forget Patrick Howley's brave lunch-counter sit-in at the Wendy's in 2015. The man just went up to the cashier, asked for a Baconator, not smiling, not judging. "Would you like lettuce, tomato, mayo?" she asked?

    "Don't matter," he said, looking at the ground. It didn't matter. That's not what he was there for. He thought about ordering a Frosty, but she'd already entered the order. Only a gentrifier would make such a demand.

    "Your order is number 12," she said. He took the receipt and sat down, staring at it. He would have brought a book, but he was trying to strike a blow for racial understanding, and he knew black people don't like books.

    ReplyDelete
  122. Yeah. That's what he means, in his totally not-racist way.


    He looks dirty and crazy enough that those people don't be doing any of that violence upon him, which is such a large part of their culture--even though he's WHITE!!! And we all know, those people just can't stop from hating on the White Man, so he's pretty special to get a pass like that.

    ReplyDelete
  123. "frilly" means it has words.

    ReplyDelete
  124. Buffalo Rude6:21 PM

    Yes.

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  125. Ripley6:21 PM

    Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect, even with my generally conservative political views. I don’t look like I have way more than other people because I don’t. I live alone, I don’t bother to shave a lot of the time, I’m skinny and mediocre-looking. I dress frumpy. Nobody dates me for very long. I get crapped on by others in my profession while hacks take my material and get famous with it. My adolescent desire to be Norman Mailer didn’t really pan out and I wear the shrugging disappointment on my face.


    I am The fucking Virginian, motherfucker! When you call me that, SMILE!!

    ReplyDelete
  126. Buffalo Rude6:41 PM

    Nobody dates me for very long.

    Well color me surprised.

    ReplyDelete
  127. Probably he was confused by the failure to shout "where's my motherfuckin' iced tea."

    ReplyDelete
  128. Sounds like ernst borgnine playing ragnar hairy breeks jumping to his death in king aela's snake pit. Probably not a great idea.

    ReplyDelete
  129. No my error i just thought it really loudly. Apologies to you mr bat guano.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Giant Monster Gamera6:49 PM

    Post after post of "oh yeah, well liberals are the real racists!" gets old pretty fast.

    ReplyDelete
  131. Yes because where black people are is just like a cafeteria scene from OZ.

    ReplyDelete
  132. Oops now i just double booked a joke. Should have kept reading oldest first.

    ReplyDelete
  133. And that unlikable cross-dressing man who was overly fussy about chicken sandwiches grew up to be ... J. Edgar Hoover.

    ReplyDelete
  134. Make that a Dave's Hot 'n Juicy...Uh, we've already been over "we came as a socioeconomic couplet."

    ReplyDelete
  135. DrLearnALot7:06 PM

    "Now as white people go, I get a fair amount of respect."


    ...


    What?

    ReplyDelete
  136. "Vent my frustration," eh? Seems like a little bit of ... projection about the other driver's activities.

    ReplyDelete
  137. Sheesh, plenty of couples switch to separate beds without getting all dramatic about it.

    ReplyDelete
  138. JennOfArk7:12 PM

    "I almost had to apologize to the crowd."



    "Hey, guys, don't look at me that way...I'm one of the good ones."

    ReplyDelete
  139. A multiracial group shouting "We have no beef!" in unison?

    ReplyDelete
  140. JennOfArk7:13 PM

    Winner: all of us.

    ReplyDelete
  141. Jaime Oria7:14 PM

    #notallhipsters

    ReplyDelete
  142. Giant Monster Gamera7:15 PM

    He's actually moderately good looking, in a young Fred Savage kind of way. I've certainly "known" worse when closing time rolls around.


    As long as that mouth were kept busy biting a pillow and not speaking, we might actually make it to a second date.

    ReplyDelete
  143. tigrismus7:17 PM

    "Honkies, am I right?"

    ReplyDelete
  144. JennOfArk7:17 PM

    My all-time B. Kliban fave:

    ReplyDelete
  145. Jaime Oria7:22 PM

    My spirit animal (when it's not Dr. Dinosaur from Atomic Robo)Frank Rossitano: "They knew what a Hot Richard was?"

    ReplyDelete
  146. billcinsd7:25 PM

    "Liberals want to stop men from checking out women,"



    I thought that was why Kanye got the microphone from Taylor Swift. But then the whole Beck thing confused me

    "Liberal Hipsters Make Race Relations Worse,"

    That's why all the hipsters love Prussian Blue

    ReplyDelete
  147. billcinsd7:33 PM

    sorry, but I wrote Atonement before you. No other words but Atonement but I definitely wrote it back in the '60s

    ReplyDelete
  148. billcinsd7:36 PM

    Buster Brown's were better

    ReplyDelete
  149. billcinsd7:38 PM

    Droopy Dawg?

    ReplyDelete
  150. billcinsd7:43 PM

    Howley saw the best mind of his generation by
    looking in a mirror, starving hysterical naked,
    dragging himself through the negro streets at dawn
    looking for a fix of anger, a failed hipster burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

    who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high
    sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of
    Spanish laundromats,
    floating across the tops of cities contemplating Rush Limbaugh

    ReplyDelete
  151. M. Krebs7:45 PM

    Sheesh! How many times do we have to go through this? You mean trilby, not fedora.

    ReplyDelete
  152. pookapooka7:47 PM

    To sum it all up, in Hawai'i we call guys like him, Fokkin Howley. Had to say it.

    ReplyDelete
  153. M. Krebs7:48 PM

    Smarmy-looking bushy eyebrows though.

    ReplyDelete
  154. glennisw7:48 PM

    And how they just KNOW the person is a liberal! Amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  155. Brian Schlosser7:50 PM

    Whichever of you wrote it, I hate you!!

    ReplyDelete
  156. Magatha7:53 PM

    That whole cocktail rumpus over there made me happy that I don't have enough disposable income to worry about whether I am oppressing the populace with my beverage order. I just buy my Two-And-A-Half Buck Chuck at Trader Joe's and go home and drink it quietly by myself. Social minefield avoided.

    ReplyDelete
  157. glennisw7:54 PM

    And they probably don't think of him at all, really.

    ReplyDelete
  158. M. Krebs7:54 PM

    Damn right. An fuck them crackers that go in there and stare at the fuckin' menu for five minutes deciding' what motherfuckin' salad the want. Shit. Other folks got thangs to do!

    ReplyDelete
  159. glennisw7:56 PM

    Yes, and how did Patrick know the content of the guy's book?

    ReplyDelete
  160. A perfect example of typing-as-masturbating. And a quick look through the comments there indicates his audience just licks it up, the dears.

    ReplyDelete
  161. M. Krebs7:56 PM

    Yeah. I heard that too.

    ReplyDelete
  162. Brian Schlosser7:58 PM

    Yet some Republican manages to pull it off, day after day after day.

    ReplyDelete
  163. M. Krebs7:58 PM

    I not looking up titivate. I'd rather trust my intuition.

    ReplyDelete
  164. John Wesley Hardin8:00 PM

    I imagine sucker MCs are getting rich by stealing his rhymes, as well.

    ReplyDelete
  165. John Wesley Hardin8:00 PM

    Eew.

    ReplyDelete
  166. mortimer20008:01 PM

    (THAT’s how you gentrify, kids. Take notes).
    You wish, Howley. Lemme show you how a professional bullshitter does it:
    Yesterday, I rode the bus for the first time from the stop near my house, and ended up chatting with a lifelong neighborhood resident who has just moved to Arizona, and was back visiting family. We talked about the vagaries of the city bus system, and then after a pause, he said, "You know, you may have heard us talking about you people, how we don't want you here. A lot of people are saying you all are taking the city from us. Way I feel is, you don't own a city." He paused and looked around the admittedly somewhat seedy street corner. "Besides, look what we did with it. We had it for forty years, and look what we did with it!"

    ReplyDelete
  167. Brian Schlosser8:02 PM

    So much depends
    on a punchable hipster
    buying salad
    in the 'hood

    ReplyDelete
  168. glennisw8:03 PM

    How did this person turn out this way? Is he really so oblivious that he
    can’t even go to a downmarket Wendy’s without stoking an undercurrent
    of racial tension that everybody went to the restaurant on a Sunday to
    just forget about?

    Stoking an undercurrent of racial tension? Since when is being a picky customer "stoking an undercurrent of racial tension"? I presume the salad the guy ordered was on the menu, and Wendys lets people "have it their way." I worked in fast food; the only person inconvenienced by a "special order" is the customer, who has to wait by the side while it gets prepared.
    How did Mr. Howley turn out this way. Is he really so obsessed that he can't even go to a downmarket Wendy's without seeing ooga-booga in every interaction.

    ReplyDelete
  169. Brian Schlosser8:06 PM

    *snaps fingers*

    ReplyDelete
  170. First, you get a job with the racial tension railroad...
    ~

    ReplyDelete
  171. That's as maybe, but how the fuck do you get petticoat out of pea coat? And why get upset over a pea coat?

    ReplyDelete
  172. Brian Schlosser8:14 PM

    Patrick Howley, or as he's known in the neighborhood "That creepy white dude who's always out by the SuperSuds late at night"

    ReplyDelete
  173. M. Krebs8:14 PM

    KLIBAN! Thank you reminding me of him. My favorite (or used to be) was the one with the man with the tattoo that read "born to eat toast." Can't find it with Google though. And I used to have a copy of this, but I have no idea what happened to it. Damn.

    ReplyDelete
  174. Since Mr. Yutz decided that if he was going to lie, he might as well lie big.

    ReplyDelete
  175. glennisw8:19 PM

    Apparently, ordering something that's on the menu and asking to hold the mayo is a d-bag in Howley's world.

    ReplyDelete
  176. Maybe the laundromat guy is planning on gentrifying through barter:free cigarettes for this worthless old briwnstone. Otherwise i cant figure out why he thinks a down at heels loser like himself constitutes dome kind of gentrification.

    ReplyDelete
  177. glennisw8:20 PM

    "Yeah, you sure showed that imaginary liberal guy, didn't you, Patrick?"
    "Lemme tell you about the imaginary liberal guy I ran into the other day....."

    ReplyDelete
  178. M. Krebs8:24 PM

    He just needs to leave his chainsaw in his front yard for a few hours.

    ReplyDelete
  179. Ellis_Weiner8:33 PM

    I envy your close collaborative relationship. I wrote the Rabbit tetralogy, but my wife and I only wrote the Maple stories.

    ReplyDelete
  180. M. Krebs8:35 PM

    And my handlebar mustache doesn't say anything about my mental state.

    ReplyDelete
  181. M. Krebs8:40 PM

    Mister, you're a better man than I.

    ReplyDelete
  182. If you cant get upset over tandom hipster clothing you just aren't trying.

    ReplyDelete
  183. Ellis_Weiner8:43 PM

    That guy...I know what he would tweet at me...I just know he's a liberal blogger...I just can tell he makes his living accusing Republicans of being racist. Well I have news for him: I defy everything I just know he stands for! I openly refuse to interact with him in any way! I punch him in the nose in my mind! And I just know he doesn't have the courage (that I have) to punch me back, because I just know he's the exactly the kind of person I think he is!

    ReplyDelete
  184. Im upvoting but it won't register so consider yourself upvoted. That thread was so dumb i had to keep checking to make sure i hadnt wandered away from lgm. Alas: i hadnt.

    ReplyDelete
  185. M. Krebs8:56 PM

    Thank you, kind sir.

    ReplyDelete
  186. M. Krebs9:00 PM

    The weird thing is, he's positively dreamy compared with most of his Waffenbr├╝der.

    ReplyDelete
  187. Gromet9:00 PM

    His self-assessment made me think of Hellblazer...
    http://s7.postimg.org/xa8eiryt7/10982439_327981930739699_8895343216890334455_n_j.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  188. DocAmazing9:01 PM

    Her profession. Veronika Moser.

    ReplyDelete
  189. M. Krebs9:01 PM

    Have you seen the price of pea coats lately? Huh?

    ReplyDelete
  190. Not much demand for a deracinated James Dean these days.

    ReplyDelete
  191. M. Krebs9:04 PM

    Upvoted for obscurity.

    ReplyDelete
  192. DocAmazing9:08 PM

    Serving his time in the fry-cook Freikorps.

    ReplyDelete
  193. Gromet9:09 PM

    This hipster is like a one-man big government, with all his regulatin' that sandwich.

    ReplyDelete
  194. Gromet9:15 PM

    If he sold the cigarettes for a dollar each, the cops would eventually strangle him never stop to wonder what he was doing.

    ReplyDelete
  195. Giant Monster Gamera9:24 PM

    Apparently FREEDOM!!! doesn't apply in the queue at Wendy's.


    Perhaps Howley could consider jumping on the right-to-carry bandwagon. That would clear the line in front of him pretty quick.

    ReplyDelete
  196. Gromet9:35 PM

    Doesn't it seem probable that Mailer thought highly enough of Emily Dickinson? "Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me" feels like a line he might've turned over in his head a time or two.

    There's a good chance he would have punched Howley for any number of reasons, face being just one.

    ReplyDelete
  197. Gromet9:41 PM

    Haha, "my adolescent desire" -- turns out dude was born in 1989, so he's basically still an adolescent. Maybe stop throwing away your youth on being a rightwing waterboy, Howley, and get back to trying to write something real. You've still got time.

    ReplyDelete
  198. bekabot9:52 PM

    "How does a person turn out this way?"

    My hypothesis — too much arugula in his baby food. (Arugula is waaaaaaayy worse than soy or even vaccines.)

    ReplyDelete