The Oscars should be about the simple joys of life -- gambling and vanity -- and not about politics, but I see
Charlie Pierce has people expecting me to talk about those poor nuts who hate-watched Libtard Hollyweird from their survivalist treehouses. Most of the best ravings have been
well picked over, but there are a few morsels left to enjoy. First,
Matthew Clark, "Associate Counsel for Government Affairs and Media Advocacy with the [
wingnut front group] ACLJ" and author of the dystopian epic "Hollywood’s Self-Indulgent Delusional Demagoguery." Sample:
For anyone who has an ounce of critical thinking ability (critical thinking, not PC dogmatic zombism), [the Oscars are] almost unbearable to watch (it’s like watching sausage being made, with rotten meat, and then watching someone eat it, on prime-time TV).
This guy has a future in slasher films. Oh, also:
What if an actress said this award wouldn’t have been possible if my mother chose to abort me?
Sarah Silverman hasn't done this bit yet? Get on it, Hollywood! Next we have
Young Cons and their wonderful headline:
Sean Penn Makes “Racist” Remark At The Oscars, Everyone Forgets His Party Affiliation
Similarly, when Jane Fonda does something stupid, the media just sits back and lets everybody think she's a Republican. My favorite, though, is the line from IJReview's "
5 Hollywood Actors for Conservatives To Root For At This Year’s Oscars," introducing their #3, Michael Keaton:
Michael Keaton may not be a conservative, but his speech at the Golden Globes this year espoused strong conservative principles, even if he didn’t realize it...
Also, #2 Reese Witherspoon: "While she may not be a conservative, she espouses some refreshing ideas regarding modesty..." If this kind of thinking spreads, I could wind up on this year's Best-Dressed List. Thank you, good night!
Bless their hearts.
ReplyDeleteWhat if an actress said this award wouldn’t have been possible if my mother chose to abort me?
ReplyDeleteWell, she'd be a shoo-in for the Miss Congenitality prize.
Scalia said "Who gave this son of a bitch the presidency?" And everyone said
ReplyDelete"You. and Clarence Thomas."
When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed….
ReplyDeleteI dunno, if she were really modest wouldn't she have erased the tape rather than hidden it under the bed?
Reese Witherspoon good
ReplyDeleteChunky Reese Witherspoon bad
Discuss
Imagine if instead of creating a strawman of a liberal cause, what if Hollywood used its stage to give voice to a real issue.
ReplyDeleteObviously, since Sean Penn was in New Orleans personally rescuing victims of Hurricane Katrina while conservatives sat behind their keyboards or on the Fox News couch wringing their hands over "looters" while grandmothers were still drowning in their attics, Sean Penn is the real racist.
ReplyDeleteMmmm ...chunky ...
ReplyDeleteWhat if an actress said this award wouldn’t have been possible if my mother chose to abort me?
ReplyDeleteWell, she'd be a shoo-in for the Miss Congenitality prize, at least.
(Hope my earlier, apparently abortive attempt to post the above as "guest" is indeed irrevocably terminated and doesn't reappear, become visible only to others, or any of sundry other notorious Disqus shenanigans.)
PC dogmatic zombism
ReplyDeletePerhaps someone could translate this into a language with which I am familiar.
When considering anything popular, there's always at least a brief moment when the brethren decide whether to tilt towards "the popularity of this [film/video game/comic book] plainly rests on its evocation of conservative wisdom" or towards "the popularity of this film (etc.) plainly demonstrates we are slouching towards Gomorrah." So maybe Fifty Shades is a vomit-inducing rotten-meat sausage, or maybe it shows a good anti-PC anti-feminist appreciation for a good man armed with a whip.
ReplyDeleteSomewhat relatedly, when my cat has kittens, she is flaunting her bestial sexual appetites in the faces of moral conservatives, and tyrannically demanding approval for her parasitic, consequence-free lifestyle. When their cats have kittens, they are bravely standing up to the liberal Party of Death with its cult of birth control and population control.
"While X may not be a conservatiod, X espouses principles I agree with...."
ReplyDeleteWould my Good Friends across the aisle please define "conservative?"
thank you
Shorter Cons: "It pains me that I am not surrounded by movies, books, magazines, TV and radio shows that reflect only my personal views. Damn the liberals who set my TV to one channel and then stole the remote!"
ReplyDeleteI would like to stroke tis comment until it purrs, kneads, and drools.
ReplyDeleteWould my Good Friends across the aisle please define "conservative?"
ReplyDeleteNot you.
Next!
"I only watch FAUX Nooze. Why should anyone else get to watch something else?"
ReplyDelete~
An excellent metaphor for conservative "talent" in that such talent is visible only to conservatives and is hidden the instant anyone else attempts to observe it.
ReplyDeleteOT: I just got a solicitation from a libertarian "think tank" asking if I would write a book for them. They want 10- to 15,000 words, and they'll pay me anywhere from $25 all the way up to $65 for it! (No royalties or subsequent rights, either.)
ReplyDeleteI await some Teahadist saying something like this after winning a seat in Congress. One can imagine the logical rejoinder.
ReplyDeleteCurse those zombists and their zombistical ways.
ReplyDelete(Oh, great. More people on the Koch-ism dole trying to explain how capitalism works.)
ReplyDeleteIf they were making any kind of good-faith argument re: media coverage of Penn, it would be more like "Liberal Media Finally Notices Known Wife-Beater Sean Penn Kind of Awful," but they're not, of course.
ReplyDelete[gets cut off by orchestral version of "Mama's Got the Pill"]
ReplyDeleteUndead dog-bots, but not the Apple version.
ReplyDelete[takes sip] Wow, that's terrific dog!
ReplyDeleteZombism? Isn't that the word for being prejudiced against Dick Cheney?
ReplyDeleteOne of the best of Warner Brother's epic cartoons.
ReplyDeleteChunky Reese Witherspoon wanted to have sexytime with Douthat.
ReplyDeleteI got nothing else
What if an actress said this award wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn't been able to obtain a safe, legal abortion?
ReplyDeleteYou save it for when you're older & can't come up so easily.
ReplyDeleteI'd go with, "You know who else won an election after not being aborted?"
ReplyDeleteActually, the best post-Oscars pratfall I read came from Jonathan Chait, with "The 10 Angriest Reactions to Things Actors Said at the Oscars." Gentle reader, this is one of them.
ReplyDeleteArquette’s awkward framing sets up a distinction between 'people
of color' and 'us' — which makes it seem like she’s talking about
straight, white women needing the support of other oppressed groups.
Many LGBT people and people of color are, in fact, women too. Arquette’s
language excludes them from the larger conversation, asking groups to
fight forher subgroup, rather than with everyone as a whole.
"AWKWARD FRAMING." Better put a leash on that puppy.
Maybe two of them are anything a sentient human being would recognize as anger. The rest are basically just politely stated disagreement, even if it's disagreement with authority. When all you have is a hammer, etc.
Remember that the problem Douthat had with that encounter was that Chunky Reese was using birth control and Douthat was unable to attain an erection knowing that she could not get pregnant from the act.
ReplyDeleteI've heard all kinds of excuses for erectile failure, but that one's gotta be unique in the history of young single men.
According to conservatives, EVERYONE in Hollywood has had at least one abortion--even the gay men have had abortions. So such a statement would not be news.
ReplyDelete. . . you hid it under your bed . . .
ReplyDelete. . . taking it out only to masturbate in sullen solitude while nursing a vodka on the rocks and an enormous grudge against humanity.
Well, if it only has to be 10 words, something like "It is a truth universally acknowledged that money is everything." seems like an fast 25 bucks and an easy read.
ReplyDeleteA 15,000 word BOOK? What is it, a children's volume called Fun With Hayek and Friedman?
ReplyDeleteWhile Karl Marx may not be a conservative, he has some interesting things to say about how religion helps people to align with conservative values.
ReplyDeleteIt's supposed to be on personal finance. I have to wonder about the personal finances of anyone who would write 10,000 words for $25. I do not have to wonder about the quality of such a work at such a price.
ReplyDeleteConservative likes pie, ergo pies are conservative.
ReplyDeleteand in haiti
ReplyDeleteTim Tebow?
ReplyDeleteEphram Zomblist Jr.? Didn't he produce The FBI back in the '60s?
ReplyDeleteHawt
ReplyDeleteThe idea that everyone just gave Penn a free pass on the abuse that he inflicted on Madonna, until Tumblr noticed it, is something that Tumblristas invented--all SJW cliches aside, there really are more than a few people on that platform who are more than happy to exaggerate, take out of context, and just plain make shit up. The post that I've seen that describes Penn's abuse, for example, seems to be copy-pasted from another source--unattributed, of course--and cuts off before you find out what the upshot was. (Pled out to a misdemeanor, which is not good but is sadly all too common in domestic violence cases. Penn has also gone to jail for punching a paparazzo.)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, it was hardly covered up by the media at the time, and since then Penn has mostly done good things--he's done a ton of humanitarian work--with an occasional tendency to shoot his mouth off. (He's defended old buddy Charlie Sheen, also a domestic abuser, during Sheen's recent meltdown, for example.) He was a criminal, but seems to be a reformed one.
I don't think he was elected anything (since the Heisman, anyway) so much as proclaimed Jesus' Favorite Quarterback.
ReplyDeleteThe indeterminate state existing prior to deciding on which way to catapult the conservative propaganda for any given story is known as the HeisenGoldberg Principle of Unfartancy.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to see that too many times.
ReplyDeletebut his speech at the Golden Globes this year espoused strong conservative principles, even if he didn’t realize it...So ... he's too stupid to understand what he was saying? Yeah, I guess I can understand how that would sound conservative.
ReplyDelete...you married one of my cousins, didn't you?
ReplyDeleteFinally, proof that liberals do get marching orders. From Mr Pierce!
ReplyDeleteGeorge Will thinks baseball is conservative. Everyone else thinks the NFL is.
ReplyDeleteThere are two comments for Matthew Clark's article:
ReplyDeleteBaron Elmo • 11 hours ago
Why can't those Hollywood scumbags stop being the treasonous libtards they are, and get to dispensing right-wing talking points? We could be overturning Roe Vs. Wade, enforcing organized prayer in public schools and invading Iran right now if they'd just decide to be REAL Americans.
Oh, and someone tell that damn Neil Patrick Harris to stop being a queer.1
Reply
conservativenews Mod Baron Elmo • 10 hours ago
Great rant, dude!
Is Baron Elmo actually Roy?
Here you go Mr. Clark, "This award wouldn't have been given to me if my mother chose to abort me. I'm very glad she had that choice to make, because I'm not a amoral failure of a human being who hates her own mother and every other woman on the planet.
ReplyDelete"And I also want to thank my manager. Good night."
I'm not getting out of the boat, but all I can type is "WTF?!?! How dense are these assholes?"
ReplyDeleteOr, you may wish that counterfactual scenario had actually happened.
ReplyDeleteI've heard Google translate can do some amazing things to hide plagiarism. English --> Swahili --> German --> English is reportedly a good place to start.
ReplyDeleteIt'd take a lot more than $25 to make me feel okay about actually doing it, though.
Cooper talked about working hard, and that's a well-known conservative value. Witness Jonah Goldberg.
ReplyDeleteYou beat me to it.
ReplyDeleteFor anyone who has an ounce of critical thinking ability (critical thinking, not PC dogmatic zombism), [the Oscars are] almost unbearable to watch (it’s like watching sausage being made, with rotten meat, and then watching someone eat it, on prime-time TV).
ReplyDeleteSo close! The Oscars ARE unbearable to watch, but that's because they are an industry event with bad jokes and odd musical numbers, and NOT because of any kind of dogmatic zombism or rancid sausage eating. Conservatives are so deeply insecure and weird.
Conservative principles are so self-evident that they're unrecognizable!
ReplyDeleteHere's the outline I submitted:
ReplyDeletePersonal Finances for Libertarians
I. Visit my Web site, BuyGoldUDope.con
II. With any remaining funds, visit my other Web site, MagicBeans4U.con
III. Retire in Majesty!
This adorable puppy not be a conservative, but his barking espoused strong conservative principles (life is "ruff"), even if he didn’t realize it.
ReplyDeleteA liberal puppy would be unable to answer the question "who's a good boy?" without consulting the SJW's on Tumblr. This puppy doesn't need to. He knows he is a good boy, yes he is, and he doesn't care if that pisses off the liberals.
Abortions for some, miniature American Snipers for others.
ReplyDeleteI kind of agree with the sausage analogy, except I don't see anything political in the Oscars. A few individuals express an opinion, that's about it.
ReplyDeleteHow many horses can Mitt Romney fit on his car elevator?
ReplyDeleteHeckuva Job, Brownie
ReplyDeleteHe also shits all over the carpet. QED.
ReplyDeleteNeeds moar Wagner.
ReplyDeleteYou'd tell her that no one is owed protection against counterfactual scenarios that would result in one's non-existence."This award wouldn't have been possible if my mother had managed to abort me. Fortunately, she was gunned down by a fundamentalist Christian terrorist on her way into the abortion clinic."
ReplyDelete[DOLBY THEATER IS DEVOURED BY PARADOX LOOP]
For anyone who has an ounce of critical thinking ability (critical
ReplyDeletethinking, not PC dogmatic zombism),[Takes swig from flask, mouths "Go away" at Matthew Clark]
Shit is a synonym for political correctness.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're that full of shit, you need the world's densest asshole to contain it.
ReplyDeleteFirst there is a hypothetical, then there is no hypothetical, then there is...
ReplyDeleteEspecially if this gal is around...
ReplyDeleteShe spooned, he withered.
ReplyDeleteI'd buy it for a quarter!
ReplyDeleteI tend to be very liberal with pie, myself...
ReplyDeleteCritical drinking ability
ReplyDeleteWe can either know who farted, or how bad it smells, but not both?
ReplyDeleteBugs Bunny--making cross-dressing accessible to children since 1945.
ReplyDeleteWhat if a child actress said this award wouldn’t have been possible if my mother had been killed in Iraq?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I like this one better...
Can I give you your change in Bitcoins?
ReplyDeleteTouché.
ReplyDeleteWarner Bros cartoonists always got the best weed...
ReplyDeleteProf. Schroedinger would like a word with your avatar.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of whom, I swear, if cats could get rid of people, but somehow keep our laps, they'd do it in a heartbeat...
ReplyDeleteMamma told me not to come...
ReplyDeleteSeems to me the wingnuts wouldn't have to sprain their brains coming up with reasons to watch this or that movie, or root for this or that actor, if they just got rid of the idiotic notion that Holllllywood is one big Liberal with a million heads. There are Libs there, year. There are Cons, too. But mainly there are a lot of very wealthy people doing their best (or worst) to become even more wealthy, and giving not a Cheeto-fart about the ideology, or even the quality, of the wares they peddle. Maybe it's just more fun this way? Everybody needs a hobby, I guess...
ReplyDeleteAnd the opposable thumbs. Surely they'd keep us around for those--to open cans, tear open pouches of Pounce, and give the much-needed skritch behind the ears.
ReplyDeleteThat may have been his year of living dangerously. No thrill without the risk of consequences...
ReplyDeleteHis Lardship That Was used to do all three so much, and with so much vigor, I could have used earplugs and waterproof Kevlar. I settled for keeping a towel on the end table...
ReplyDeleteThe definition of political correctness is "whatever annoys a conservative at any particular moment in time."
ReplyDeleteIs "PC dogmatic zombism" sort of a wingnut code for "I got nothin'"? I mean, it's really that content-free, and just seems like the sort of thing you'd type if you needed an article or post, or even just a tweet saying something negative about The Evil Left, but you were all hungover and shit, and the ol' creativity gland was as dry as your mouth, but you needed those 140 characters, so...
ReplyDeleteTurbo, or normally aspirated?
ReplyDeleteIf a conservative had said what Sean Penn said, he would not have been joking.
ReplyDeleteWhat if a conservative asked if women could swallow cameras to have a vaginal exam? Is that conservative, liberal, or just extraordinarily stupid? Or something else entirely new in the history of Humanity?
ReplyDeleteYou could say Hollywood is the epitome of libertarianism, or capitalism (same thing different label).
ReplyDeleteYou mean Bitcons?
ReplyDeleteAllow me to introduce you to the Shithouse Troll.....
ReplyDeleteDamnit, gotta remember to keep that web-cam lens taped over ...
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/5DcdONaKSQM
ReplyDeleteGood dog!
ReplyDeleteBest laugh I've had all day! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteAw-reet!
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of total honesty, I think it's smut clyde's (if that is ...) concept.
Well, Bugs was based on Milton Berle:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.google.com/search?q=milton+berle+in+drag&biw=1015&bih=629&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=t_7sVNS2JsKiyAPY84DQBQ&ved=0CB0QsAQ
My, that's rather unflattering, innit?
ReplyDeleteRapidly made up political scale of Yankee sports:
ReplyDeleteNFL: Fascist; MLB: Conservative; NBA: Limousine Liberal; NHL: What, I should know everything? Libertarians, maybe?
Harry Shearer described Berle as being almost as cock-proud as LBJ.
ReplyDeletePeople are always surprised when I tell them that was written by Randy Newman.
ReplyDeleteSo is he sending out the checks now? Because when Soros was doing it, mine never showed up...
ReplyDelete*sigh* We sure don't pick out politishnins for brains, do we?
ReplyDeleteI'd already seen some online snits about American Sniper not winning best picture. The thing is that for weeks, the scuttlebutt had it that the race was between Boyhood and Birdman. AS wasn't a major contender, not for political reasons, or at least partisan political reasons, but because Hollywood doesn't need to go out of its way to kiss up to an octogenarian who already has a shelf full of awards. Anyway, conservative whining about the Oscars recalls the "unskewed polls" tsuris about the '12 election, except at least then they had been predicting one of the two top candidates as the winner.
ReplyDeleteThat's it. No more kitty treats until she tells the tomcat who knocked her up to put a ring on it.
ReplyDeleteI'm childless and male, but if Douthat wants to send me child support payments he's welcome to. Only think I ask is that if he starts getting erections he not tell me about it.
ReplyDeleteI always thought it was cool Leon Redbone used that frog for the cover of his first album.
ReplyDeleteGroucho Marx, I'm pretty sure. No one knew who Berle was when Bugs made his first appearance. Also, Bugs doesn't have a massive cock.
ReplyDeleteRancid sausage eating is more a hallmark of Fear Factor, a show that obviously made a deep impression on Clark.
ReplyDeleteTrump did, and he wasn't.
ReplyDeleteCan't say as I blame Mr. Cumberbun. Actors up for awards have to attend these schmoose-fests; I think a stiff shot is the only way I'd get through it, and some asshole with a camera in my face is just plain asking for it.
ReplyDeleteYour comment brings back many happy memories of cats gone by. We had a rescue that looked a lot like your avatar--Rufus. He loved to climb into a warm lap to knead, purr, and drool. Claws like needles (leading my sister-in-law to dub them "kneading knittles").
ReplyDeleteYou folks need to head over to the Matthew Clark article and leave some grotesque parodies of right-wing boilerplate in the comments. I did just that, and got a reply of "Great rant, dude!" from the goddamn moderator. Methinks these goobers are impervious to irony. (Maybe they confuse it with "ironing," which every red-blooded conservative man leaves for the wife.)
ReplyDeleteNo, but many thanks for the compliment.
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah, I think it was actually kinda awesome of the 'Batch, in a "Dear God, we've barely started" way. It wasn't nearly as awesome as last year's Oscars, though, when he spectacularly photobombed U2.
ReplyDeleteFoghorn Leghorn?
ReplyDeleteA difference between cats and dogs: if you were to die alone in your house with only your pets, a dog would generally wait for 3-4 days before his hunger would overcome his deference to you as the pack leader and you become a source of food.
ReplyDeleteAs for cats, there is a reason they will sit on your chest and whack you in the face a couple of times. They want see if you will wake up, or if they can skip the Meow Mix today
They're putting cat food in those pop-top cans now. Our days are numbered.
ReplyDelete