Friday, July 11, 2014


• The tension was thick as the President, accompanied by his unsmiling Secret Service retinue, entered the Clintons' living room. The Secret Service took up strategic positions as the current President weakly and unconvincingly shook the 42nd President's liver-spotted hand. On a nearby loveseat Hillary loftily pretended to read the latest New Yorker, a magazine she didn't really enjoy, as she had never really warmed to the biggest city in the state she had adopted for purely political reasons.

"Looking good, Mr. President," Obama lied with his customary ease.

"You, too, Mr. President," said Bill, going him one better in the easily-lying department, though secretly he was concerned that, away from the carefully-orchestrated spotlights, the Leader of the Free World looked so haggard, and reeked of cigarettes. He wondered if the AIDS rumors were true.

"I merely came by so our friends in the media can accurately report that I visited my 'biggest fan' and my 'former Secretary of State,'" said Obama. There was a stunned pause before the Clintons and Obama all burst into maniacal laughter, terminated by Obama's coughing fit.

"Hillary, you're looking wonderful," said Obama, not bothering to try. Hillary smiled cynically. Though they despised one another, she and the bumbling President had shared so much -- that night of drunken passion on Air Force One, the Benghazi Deception -- that she was almost charmed by his nefariousness.

"OK, fellas, let's go," Obama told the Secret Service, and instantly they vanished like goblins on midnight at Halloween.

"That fucking bastard," roared Hillary, hurling her magazine to the ground. "Where the fuck does he get the balls to come in here and jerk me around like that? Fucking faggot." She jumped up, went to the sideboard, and filled a crystal tumbler with expensive bourbon.

"Now, Hillary," said Bill, pretending as he had so many times, in and out of office, to conciliate, "he may be a deviate but he sure ain't no faggot."

"Oh yeah?" said Hillary, her throat burning from the hefty slug of top-shelf liquor. "Then how come all the whores he sneaks into the Oval Office are flat-chested?"

Bill shrugged. "He does like 'em skinny," he said in the appraising tone of a practiced whoremonger. "And white. Guess he wants the opposite of Michelle."

Hillary laughed raucously, bourbon dribbling down her chin. "Christ on a fucking crutch, who wouldn't? That fucking beast. She should be in a diorama at the Museum of Natural History. No wonder 'Let's Move' is such a success. Shit, if I was trapped in a room with her I'd move through the fucking wall!"

Bill was laughing so hard that he winced; the excitement was putting a strain on his heart. Hillary noticed this, and considered administering the coup de grace by showing Bill her secret photos of Michelle and Elizabeth Warren having lesbian sex; if that didn't do it, she could show him the even more secret pictures of herself and Mary Landrieu having lesbian sex. But no, she thought, let's save that for the 2016 primaries. Playing the loving wife, she went to him, smiled, reached into her pocket, and offered him a soothing dose of heroin.

"Man," said Bill after snorting it up, "I sure hope these witnesses who always seem to be nearby when we act like this don't ever talk to Ed Klein."


  1. tinheart2:30 PM

    Time to recycle the old transcripts...just substitute "Hillary" for "Bill"....

    LARRY NICHOLS: Barry Seale had a bunch of planes and supposedly had pilots.
    Barry Seale was a drug smuggler. Now he tried to set it up in his home
    state of Louisiana but they wouldn't let him. He had to come to a state
    that had a sleazy Governor, hooked on cocaine, and everybody knew it.
    Yea, Bill Clinton was hooked on cocaine.

  2. Derelict2:32 PM

    Does this mean that Hillary won't be asked to placed the crack pipe atop the Ramadan Tree this year?

  3. Derelict2:36 PM

    Which is probably why Hillary had to have her gay lover (Vince Foster) killed. She helped to roll his body in old lawfirm documents that proved Whitewater was a criminal enterprise, then had him dumped. But Foster wasn't really dead. He buried the documents and burned the rest before calling in Obama's gay lover to come both forward and backward in time to shoot him in the head.

    It all makes perfect sense!

  4. I think to get the right flavor of these guys she should offer him a drug that is more exotic than that, and also that it should be administered in a way that is convincing only to your hysterical great aunt--maybe like having him rub spanish fly on his gums or snort rhino horn or something.

  5. glennisw2:41 PM

    On a nearby loveseat Hillary loftily pretended to read the latest New Yorker, a magazine she didn't really enjoy, as she had never really warmed to the biggest city in the state she had adopted for purely political reasons.

    Wow, that's really a beautiful example of packing ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. Bravo, Roy, this is masterful!

  6. glennisw2:42 PM

    Where's the time travel part?

  7. KC45s2:47 PM

    I think they leave the sci fi to Gingrich.

  8. Bizarro Mike2:47 PM

    It was in there, but the lizard people (teaming up with the UN Black Helicopter Squad) disappeared it.

  9. DocAmazing2:50 PM

    Of “Blood Feud,” Rush Limbaugh, the popular conservative radio talk-show
    host, said he wasn’t “alleging it doesn’t exist, it isn’t true,” but
    he added that “some of the quotes strike me as odd, in the sense that I
    don’t know people who speak this way.”

    When you've lost Rush Limbaugh...

  10. Derelict2:55 PM

    . . . you can still count on the Breitbart crowd. Or Jonah's remedial reading circle. Or the one or two people who follow Jim Hoft,

  11. Tony Prost2:56 PM

    You should write a book!

  12. Tony Prost2:57 PM

    Are there no true conservatives left????

  13. gocart mozart2:59 PM

    What, no snark today Edrosa? You just copy/paste an excerpt from "The Amateur" without commentary, call it a day and head to the beach. Nice job you got there.


  15. whetstone3:40 PM

    Well, we should have seen it coming from the closing to last year's State of the Union address:

    You take the trouble to construct a civilization, to build a society based on the principles of... of principle. You make government and art and realize that they are, must be, both the same. You bring things to the saddest of all points, to the point where there is something to lose. Then, all at once, through all the music, through all the sensible sounds of men building, attempting, comes the Dies Irae. And what is it? What does the trumpet sound? Up yours.

  16. I hope Klein listed Chief Editor Korir in the acknowledgments.

  17. He's just envious because he didn't come up with those details.

  18. roy edroso, pictured below (from ap file)

  19. “some of the quotes strike me as odd, in the sense that I don’t know people who speak this way.”

    Well, now that David Mamet is officially a wingnut, he's presumably available for ghostwriting duties.

  20. Kordo4:26 PM

    Ahh, thank you, Mr Edroso; I needed that. My day has truly sucked ass, but you made me belly-laugh. Bless you, Sir. You ever get down to Tampa, give me a holler; drinks are on me...

  21. dstatton4:36 PM

    Klein says he doesn't make stuff up, so I guess that settles it.

  22. Brian Schlosser4:55 PM

    Don't forget the RAND Corporation and the Reverse Vampires!

  23. Brian Schlosser4:57 PM

    The time machine was busy planting birth records and announcements is Hawaii

  24. edroso5:09 PM

    Glad to help!

  25. A hashish, Ecstacy, and PCP enema, administered during a photo op that's cleverly framed to conceal that he's wearing no pants.

  26. He was just glad Hillary didn't also refuse the breast implants. But the joke will be on him when it turns out she got Austin Powers-style boob-guns which she will use to assassinate him and Landrieu simultaneously during her final coup.

  27. tinheart5:46 PM

    Editor: This is a joke, right? I mean this is the stupidest thing I've ever read!
    Klein: What's wrong with it?
    Editor: You keep using words like "Pasghetti" and "Momatoes". You
    make numerous threatening references to the UN and at the
    end you repeat the words "Screw Hillary" over and over
    Klein: Oh, it's so hard to get to 500 words!!

  28. Robert M.5:57 PM

    And if you can't believe a mendacious character assassin with book sales on the line, who CAN you believe?

  29. Well, he went on to explain that it's "from sources who were present when the statements were made or who were told about the statements shortly after they were made." So I presume this kind of thing would count as legit:

    Klein: Hillary bragged about having eaten live puppies. Hey, what were you just told about?

    Klein's intern: I was told that Hillary bragged about having eaten live puppies.

  30. randomworker6:17 PM

    There was a pastor in my group therapy who wore a butt plug on Sundays and beat off at the lectern while giving the sermon.

  31. montag27:15 PM

    Klein is learning how to overcome these limitations with the help of night classes held by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann.

  32. BigHank537:17 PM

    I sure hope these witnesses who always seem to be nearby when we act like this don't ever talk to Ed Klein.

    Well, now we know why Mark Penn won't be working on Hillary's next campaign. That rascal.

  33. Smurch7:19 PM

    To the Reader:
    This Figure, that thou here seest put,
    It was for Wry Edroso cut,
    Wherein the Snarker had a strife
    With Wingnuts, to outwield the knife;
    Oh, could he have but drowned this Shitte
    With bare-faced Fact, with Reason hit
    The Dolt: this Blogge would then surpasse
    All, that was ever writ by Asse.
    But since King Logic miss'd His mark,
    Our Blogging Host lays waste with Snark.

  34. Amok927:36 PM

    "After another 2 hour session of humiliating her 'Capitalist pig-dog' as she called him GS employed husband with the sex device dubbed 'Steely Che' Chelsea calmly got dressed and went down to prepare dinner for her parents. They were in town working on the updated version of 'The Protocols of the Elders of Zion' with Al Sharpton, Seth Rogen and other leaders of the Democrat Party. It was rough work, Bill didn't have a controlled substance or even a quick sex act with a barely legal subordinate for 5 hours, Bill would be hungry for something and Chelsea knew this. Being the always loving daughter she whipped up a meal she thought he'd like but even she wasn't prepared for Bill's uproarious response 'fetus fajitas, look at those babies sizzle!'"

  35. TGuerrant8:32 PM

    Return of the Chrononauts! I can see where people could believe Barry Sotero went to Mars. I just can't see where they could believe he went to a community college.

  36. DocAmazing8:35 PM

    Would that I could upvote "Steely Che".

  37. mortimer20008:39 PM

    You can't fool me. Being Goldbergianly perspicacious, I sensed immediately that this wasn't the real Ed Klein writing. First clue: this is funny, entertaining, grammatical, polished and just well-written all around, and none of these are in Klein's skill-set. Second, Klein would never write Hillary into a scene this long without having her call at least one other woman a cunt. And no way would Clinton be snorting heroin. He'd mainline it with a set of works belonging to Marc Mezvinsky while being tied off by the pregnant Chelsea sucking on a crack pipe. Otherwise this simply isn't credible.

  38. TGuerrant8:43 PM

  39. mortimer20008:54 PM

    The part that struck him as authentic was when Michelle and Hillary appear in an underground film with the family dog
    called Two Girls One Pup, which ends with Bo getting eaten by Obama.

  40. petesh9:05 PM

    Hey, Klein got into Costco, it says in the NYT. Take that, D'Souzaphone!

  41. tigrismus9:15 PM

    I hear Regnery's always looking for "talent."

  42. JennOfArk9:17 PM

    No shit. Or take the brilliant idea I had the other day, roy - I call it "Conservative Twitter Theater." The idea is to take one of the craziest tweets you find on twitter any give day, and construct a play of how things would have to be & play out in order for what the crazy believes to be true. For example, with the child refugees/migrants, Act 1 would be Hillary and Joe Biden recruiting kids in Central America to come to the US and get false registered to vote for Democrats. You get the idea.

  43. Oooh! That sounds like fun can anyone play?

  44. JennOfArk9:47 PM

    Oh yeah. Trust me, there's no shortage of source material.

  45. [Speechless with awe]

  46. Only on Sundays? Or did he use a fleshlight Monday-Saturday and save the butt plug for the Sabbath?


  47. Don't forget Radio Frequency IDs. And the bar codes on the back of SHA signs. And traffic roundabouts!

  48. Tehanu9:58 PM

    "the conservative book-buying public, which has continued to generate sales despite the industry’s overall slump,..."
    Well, if I ever had any respect for the NY Times's journalism, it's gone now that they actually think those "sales" are anything except bulk buys that end up in the storerooms of the right and have to be given away to clear out the space.

  49. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:00 PM

    Edward Klein said he stood by his reporting. “I don’t make this stuff up,” he said.

    No, he borrows a couple of Loadpants' interns, airs 'em out a bit, and gets 'em good and liquored up...

  50. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:04 PM

    That's a relief, whatever the reason...

  51. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:06 PM

    "Luminous", the man said...

  52. Derelict10:13 PM

    Klein wishes it was this well sourced.

  53. Derelict10:14 PM

    Shhhhhhhhhhhh....those roundabouts are the most super-secret part of Agenda 21!

  54. Derelict10:16 PM

    Yours absolutely free with your paid subscription to National Review! Buy a two-year subscription and we'll also promise the neither Rich Lowery nor Jonah Goldberg will come visit you.

  55. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:23 PM

    For example, only three conspiracies were more commonly believed by
    Obama supporters: that Bush intentionally misled America about Iraq's
    WMDs (a massive 69 percent of his supporters believe that one)

    Only 69%? That's "massive"? Also, it's a conspiracy? YG&LF...

  56. tigrismus10:38 PM

    Roundabouts are great when people drive correctly, so I hope the UN has driving re-education camps planned, too.

  57. redoubtagain11:26 PM

    Not since Culloden. . .

  58. Spender11:28 PM

    Fuckin A, it's 90's again.

  59. redoubtagain11:41 PM

    I got nothin' other than Eine Kleine Nutmuzik

  60. BigHank5311:47 PM

    You'd think Megan McArdle would have an industrial drum full of word sauce that she'd sell him.

  61. J Neo Marvin11:52 PM

    "Secret photos of Michelle and Elizabeth Warren having..." (drops glass)

    ......I'll be in my bunk.

  62. "Wherever the little death may surprise us, let it be welcome, provided that
    this our battle cry may have reached some receptive ear and another hand
    may be extended to wield our weapons."--'Steely Che' promotional flyer

  63. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person12:26 AM

    Having no idea what it was when I started reading, I thought it was a variation on that Wingnut Noir crap from a few weeks ago, and I was thinking, damn, one of 'em musta taken a quick creative writing course, because even though it was pure Kenyan-Clenis derangement, it was actually readable. I worry about Ed, though. He's been around this shit so long he can write it better than they can. And you know a certain percentage of wingers would have bought it all the way to the end, then felt betrayed...

  64. Except with a shittier economy.

  65. AGoodQuestion12:44 AM

    Or the one or two people who follow Jim Hoft,
    With a mop and bucket?

  66. JennOfArk12:44 AM

    OT fun fact: I am dealing with my first-ever case of poison ivy. I got it clearing out some overgrowth around the shed, and apparently there was some in there. I didn't even think to look for it because I've always been immune. Not any more. A very mild case, probably because I've never been susceptible before. But horrifyingly itchy just the same.

    Here's what I've found out - either running hot water, as hot as you can stand, over the affected area, or applying a freeze pack for as long as you can stand, makes the itching stop for hours. Heat works for longer but obviously there's a chance you'll burn yourself. It seems that either extreme heat or cold gorks out the nerves - they get overloaded with the heat/cold message, and forget the itch message. Cool, huh? Certainly has helped me get to sleep for the last few nights.

  67. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume12:48 AM

    She jumped up, went to the sideboard, and filled a tumbler with expensive bourbon.

    Actually, this part made me like her more. A rare stumble, Edroso.

  68. Pope Zebbidie XIII12:52 AM

    Somebody has to carry his luggage.

  69. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume12:53 AM

    I've got a friend who'd like to know where your group meets.

  70. AGoodQuestion12:54 AM

    Are... are you saying that Parade Magazine would leave "Walter Scott's Personality Parade" in the hands of a fabricator? I really don't know what to believe in anymore.

  71. AGoodQuestion12:59 AM

    Sounds like the promising beginning to a truly SAUCY story!

  72. AGoodQuestion1:09 AM

    Well, Ed Klein may not be - let's not pussyfoot, isn't - the prose stylist that Kitty Kelley is, I'm sure Blood Feud will prove to have as much influence on the electorate as The Family did.

  73. AGoodQuestion1:10 AM

    I'll have to keep that in mind. Hope the itch vacates your epidermis for real soon.

  74. willf6:32 AM

    She'd have my vote.

  75. My county library's got about 10 copies of The Amateur on the New Nonfiction (!) shelf. I'm guessing they bought one and the rest came with.

  76. Have you tried Calagel? I use it for mosquito bites and it really works. Plus, it usually comes with a tube of Technu.

    For future reference it can help to take a warm shower or bath right after any activity that involves rustling in the hedgerows. Soap will break up the poison ivy oil and the wash cloth will dislodge parasites, such as chiggers, which I would not wish on my very worst enemy. It can also help you discover ticks before they latch on.

    Any clothes you were wearing should go in a separate plastic bag until you can wash them.

    /Outdoor-induced itch avoidance lecture.

  77. Derelict7:38 AM

    Who do I see about getting my old hair color back?

  78. Derelict7:45 AM

    Every school-kid knows this--at least every school-kid NOT in a voucher-run charter school or being home schooled.

    It's the part of the curriculum that comes just before the kids are taught that being male and white is evil, and come right after they are all forced to stand up during "Truth Time" to tell their teachers about any of the forbidden activities their parents might indulge in.

  79. BigHank537:49 AM

    PTSD pamphlets for anyone unfortunate enough to have to deal with him in person.

  80. Adrian7:52 AM

    Klein said, "I get the basic idea from comments on Freerepublic and after taking out most of the scatological references turn them into little stories."

  81. Im horribly allergic to poison ivy. Just walking in a field where its been cut set me off the first time. Thanks for the suggestion.

  82. Magatha9:15 AM

    Maybe she's still waiting for Amazon to deliver her new Cuisinière à la Sauce de Tambour Industriel. I hear it's on back order.

  83. smut clyde9:21 AM

    There's a scene along those lines in Huysman's Là-bas.

  84. dstatton9:47 AM

    Even that part is probably a lie. Hillary is only pretending to read the New Yorker because she really didn't like the magazine. Oy, WTF, etc.

  85. tigrismus9:47 AM

    It's helped me with jellyfish stings/sea itch, too. Sometimes I'll microwave a wet washrag and use it as a compress.

  86. JennOfArk10:26 AM

    Boob-guns would be an AWESOME way to deal with Republican obstructionists in Congress. I can just imagine Hillary's first SOTU address...she turns slightly to address the opposition party...then...ratatatatatatatatatata!!!!!...she mows them down.


  87. JennOfArk10:33 AM

    Hey, I wish he WOULD write a full-length book for them. They aren't going to stop being stupid so at the very least, someone on our side should profit from it.

    Besides, I never found it very satisfying when David Brock stepped forward and admitted he had just made shit up, because at the time he was making shit up, he was a true believer in the cause. I've been waiting ever since for the rwing to get pwned by an author that, like all the others, pulled it out of his ass, who waits until millions of copies are sold and then comes forward to chortle about how he just made up shit that he knew stupid people already believe and how many millions he made off the gullible morons on the right. I LIVE for that day.

  88. JennOfArk10:38 AM

    Well, the maddening itch you get from the hot water just before the sensation switches over to "ow, hot!" is kind of semi-orgasmic, in a very unpleasant itchy way.

  89. They'll believe the reveal was the lie, they prefer lies to truth.

  90. DocAmazing12:33 PM

    Tecnu soap and its cousin Zanfel and any others that specifically remove the oils from poison oak/ivy/sumac (plants of the genus Rhus): indispensible. I usually recommend a cold shower with Tecnu immediately after contact (don't want the pores opening!), but everybody is different, and whatever has been working for you should probably be continued. Over-the-counter Hydrocortisone cream !% is usually effective for itch.

    Jellyfish stings: try applying bleach.

  91. DocAmazing12:37 PM

    Any clothes you were wearing should go in a separate plastic bag until you can wash them.

    This is the best advice anyone has given ever. That goes for tools, too. I treated some teenagers who were working on roadsides with the California Conservation Corps, and they buy Tecnu soap by the gallon. As soon as they are done working, they put their tools in a solution of Tecnu soap, strip off their clothes and bag them, and head straight for the showers. The clothes are washed in Tecnu soap. My patients had bad poison oak rashes because they were n00bs who did not follow the protocol above.

  92. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person1:00 PM

    I'm speechless with aw, fuck, I was almost buying it for a minute there...

  93. JennOfArk1:42 PM

    Call it an "itchgasm."

  94. DocAmazing2:06 PM

    When can we expect our dot-com implosion?

  95. DocAmazing6:06 PM

    Full strength won't hurt, when aplied to the skin, but half- to one-eighth strength is probably better.

  96. "Gullible Foil"? As the title of a post about teleportation kookery? I want to bear your children, smut.

  97. "kind of semi-orgasmic, in a very unpleasant itchy way."

    ... he thought, as the yeti's lascivious embrace enfolded him.

  98. Jon Hendry8:45 PM

    "Upon his return to New York, [Klein] joined Newsweek, where he became foreign editor and then assistant managing editor with jurisdiction over foreign and military affairs.

    From Newsweek, he joined The New York Times. As editor in chief of The New York Times Magazine, he led this flagship publication of the Sunday Times to new heights of public interest and editorial excellence. During his editorship, The New York Times Magazine won the first Pulitzer Prize in its history."

    Yep, no conservatives in the mainstream news media, nosir.

  99. Jon Hendry8:46 PM

    Pro tip: don't masturbate.

  100. They've got a name for the wieners of the world,
    I - I want a name when I spooge.
    -Steely Che - 'Dickin Blue'

  101. whetstone9:33 PM

    I'd be fine if we just had FuckedCompany back.

  102. freq flag11:28 PM

    Oh, be-have!

  103. Bill Jones1:21 AM

    Sounds about right.

  104. JennOfArk11:18 AM

    That requires a forklift.

  105. JennOfArk11:24 AM

    There's not enough going on with this thread, there's no new one, and I'm bored. So here's the t-shirt I just got:

  106. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:26 AM

    Oh, give it a guestie. Nobody will know...

  107. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:34 AM

    Hey, don't leave us leg-men out!

    Best scene from Planet Terror, INHO...

  108. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:35 AM

    Even Booby Woodward would laugh at reporting like that.

  109. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:39 AM

    So, Obama really did pull himself up "by his bootstraps", eh?

  110. JennOfArk12:36 PM

    Also, too: if they made a t-shirt with this on it, I would buy it:

  111. She could have mixed it with Coke.

  112. Jon Hendry2:50 PM

    Would you settle for one of this:

  113. JennOfArk3:23 PM

    That one's good too, but not lurid enough. Funny to see where he got the title from though.

  114. mgmonklewis8:26 PM

    I would humbly like to invite this comment to accompany me to a masque by Mr. Ben Jonson, whereat we could whisper about the secret joys of iambic pentameter. Hotte.

  115. mgmonklewis8:34 PM

    WWLBD? (What Would Lord Byron Do? Or, failing that, Thomas deQuincey with a jug full o' laudanum.)

  116. mgmonklewis8:34 PM

    Just one?

  117. mgmonklewis8:37 PM

    Only the finest Boone's Farm for the Arkansas Pretenders.

  118. mgmonklewis8:39 PM

  119. freq flag9:50 PM

    Prelude to the Afternoon of a Sexually Aroused Gas Mask

  120. Jeffrey_Kramer9:54 PM

    Don't be modest, Matthew: you

  121. "It's a man's life, standing in water while desperately yanking the weasel."

  122. randomworker8:43 AM

    Is it me or does that look like David Bowie?