Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Just leaving this here so I can revisit whenever I need a laugh.

UPDATE. More laughs from the Joe Lhota campaign:

The last half is particularly fantastic. Bill de Blasio wants to take New York back to the days of Martin Scorsese, Run-D.M.C., the Ramones, and cheap apartments! Jesus Christ, de Blasio should win in a landslide on style points alone.

I urge my friends in the City to vote de Blasio so everything can go to shit and I can afford to live there again. Then we can go wilding like in the old days! And on weekends, brunch!

UPDATE 2. Shorter Jonah Goldberg: Boo hoo hoo farrrrt boo hoo hoo hoo farrrrrt boo hoo yay, Meatballs is on!


  1. FMguru9:26 AM

    For some reason, I am reminded of this exchange:

    Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your
    garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of
    course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
    Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
    Lionel Hutz: Three.
    Homer: Two.
    Lionel Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
    Homer: Done!
    Lionel Hutz: Still got it.

  2. Dr.BDH9:44 AM

    It won't be a complete debacle. A complete debacle would include starving grannies gnawing on the thigh bones of Cruz and Ryan.

  3. an "obamacle"?

  4. Mark_Bzzzz10:16 AM

    As someone who lived in NYC back in the 80s, I kind of hope he does that. It was pretty cool back then. I like it when he shows the graffiti art on subway cars like it's something scary.

  5. FMguru10:28 AM

    This is a rare instance where going into the comments section of the linked NR article brings more smiles than facepalms. Both liberal trolls and conservative die hards are, for once, united in ridiculing the premise of the piece - that this debacle was, in fact, a great victory for the forces of conservatism, plus a handful of True Believers who are still in the "was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" phase of denial.

  6. gfburke10:29 AM

    Oh man, I can finally get a place in the East Village!

  7. twitter shall be the island redoubt where they will keep fighting the yanks in the name of emperor.

  8. XeckyGilchrist12:03 PM

    That sounds more like the eyepiece worn by fantastically rich welfare moochers.

  9. Violent biker gangs? Is de Blasio running for mayor of post-apocalyptic Australia?

  10. reallyaimai12:49 PM

    I think you mean the Yangs.

  11. PulletSurprise12:49 PM

    Well, Rich, recent developments apparently put these fights into the cold embrace of "complete debacle."

  12. J Neo Marvin12:49 PM

    James Chance for mayor!

  13. glennisw12:49 PM

    Brunch at Elephant & Castle!

  14. Spaghetti Lee1:08 PM

    Lou Reed for deputy mayor!

  15. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume1:16 PM


    Endless internecine screaming about what went wrong is exactly what Obama wanted out of this.

    No, you flatulent jackanapes, what Obama wanted out of this was for government to function, and your useless party of Confederate Widows to do their fucking jobs. Mission accomplished after much kicking and screaming. Now go watch your movie and shut the fuck up, the grown ups have had enough of your shit.

  16. M. Krebs1:30 PM

    David Byrne for Chief of Police!!

  17. FMguru1:34 PM

    Incredibly, the Shorter Jonah is not only a perfectly accurate condensation of the contents of Pantload's most recent emission, it manages to undersell the stupidity of the argument. Doughy is arguing that the only thing to do in the face of this rather spectacular defeat is to refuse to even consider trying to figure out what went wrong or identify mistakes and learn from them. Because that's what all successful organizations do when they're handed an severe defeat - ignore it and keep barreling forward, right?

    And you're all overlooking the best part of a return to Koch-era NYC - the possible re-appearance of Parallel Lines-era Debbie Harry.

  18. Jay B.1:39 PM

    It's what you get when you freeze the obamade you made.

  19. Jay B.1:45 PM

    Jonah the petulant nihilist. He's every bit the moody adolescent me, glum and addled, whining about how it just doesn't matter before I sat on my bed and put on a Cure record. My excuse? I was in high school.

  20. Odder1:46 PM

    deb- or mir- ?

  21. Alternate Jonah Goldberg shorter: "Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who."

  22. J Neo Marvin1:59 PM

    Lydia Lunch for controller!

  23. J Neo Marvin2:00 PM

    Jean-Michel Basquiat for superintendent of schools!

  24. sharculese2:11 PM

    I assumed the part about Meatballs to be Roy riffing, but nope, there it is, right there in article.

  25. whetstone2:20 PM

    Because that's what all successful organizations do when they're handed
    an severe defeat - ignore it and keep barreling forward, right?

    Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

    I get where Doughy is coming from. Having faceplanted with his book Obama Is Hitler Because Tautology, he's now getting well compensated to write about about the misuse of rhetorical devices. Jonah is a hammer, and everything looks like a nail but is actually his thumb, but people keep paying him to swing, so what other conclusion could he take?

  26. redoubt2:37 PM

    "4000 cops off the streets" (the scare tactic) or no, taking this cop is certainly a good idea.

    (I know I'm not there, but has anyone in the Lhota campaign been reading the news the last two weeks? Who green-lighted this ad without putting two and two together? If this was in my hometown paper, how could they miss it?)

  27. BigHank532:38 PM

    Eh, it's never too late to put on a Cure record and lie on the bed and enjoy a really good mope. But, like that other popular solo bedroom activity, don't forget that nobody else wants to watch you. It doesn't look like there's much hope of Jonah figuring that one out, though.

  28. BigHank532:40 PM

    David Johansen for....something. Is there a city position that involves a lot of shouting?

  29. Dr. Hunky Jimpjorps2:43 PM

    His campaign doesn't care. The footage is being used completely for shock value to say "if you elect de Blasio, youths and minorities will trash the Manhattan rich people spent the last 20 years making friendly for other rich people again".

  30. Jeffrey_Kramer2:43 PM

    Jonah quotes Hewitt asking two "questions for Cruz critics: 1. Is Obamacare as bad as he said it was? 2. Does the public understand that more or less now?" and says "my answers to the two questions are 'Yes' and 'Yes'."

    "Does the public understand it more, or less?"
    "No, you have to pick one or the other."
    "Then I pick Yes!"
    "You don't understand, the answer to 'More, or less?' has to be either 'More' or 'Less'. Do you get it now?"
    "What's your answer, then?"
    "I just told you: Yes!"

  31. ADHDJ2:52 PM

    "maybe hammering home the message that the GOP is foursquare against Obamacare — and that Obamacare is a disaster — is a sufficiently valuable long-term message that it was worth going through all of this."

    Yeah, maybe the problem was that the American people just didn't know where the GOP stood on Obamacare. Now that the GOP has taken the opportunity to finally tell people their side, I'm sure public opinion will change.

    I mean, who knew that Ted Cruz was against Obamacare? Learning that is a game-changer. I for one feel embarrassed that I based my support for Obamacare before learning what Ted's feelings on the matter were.

  32. Bethany Spencer2:52 PM

    When will Jonah take something for his gastro-intestinal distress?

  33. susanoftexas3:18 PM

    If your organization is National Review and you want to survive to fail another day, the answer is yes. We can't have anyone pointing fingers and refusing to buy books or cruise tickets.
    And Jonah is perfectly satisfied with a nice round of name-calling. Actually coming up with policy is hard work and oh look, Agents of Shield is on and Jonah would rather spend his time picturing himself with an eye patch, ordering Emma Frost to bring him a motherfucking ice tea.

  34. XeckyGilchrist3:36 PM

    That sounds more like the eye lens used by the filthy-rich, upper crust welfare moochers Obama has created through his Marxisocialism.

  35. Gromet3:39 PM

    Zounds, the comments at Goldberg! I was having a ball reading them! A real lunatic sampler. Look!

    we will not be complicit in the rape and destruction of our
    matters and it matters hugely. It is time to practice von Clauswitz.

    Yes! If you don't get your way in democracy, wage war! Rape and destroy the democracy where you failed to win enough votes! That's what the Founders did!

    Once again, the Republicans snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
    I'm no "moderate" either. Voted for Goldwater and would do so again, and
    consider Obama the worst president in history.

    Yes, the GOP had this one in the bag, but were somehow routed by the guy less competent than Buchanan, who let the union disintegrate!

    The Democrats are lock-step in union, like their Fascist brethren.

    Yes, the Democrats united against blackmail, just like Mussolini at Corfu!

    This is a victory for Obama? I don't think so. It exposes him, and the
    Democrats, and the Republicans in the Senate who went along to get
    along, as weak, uncertain, unable to get the job done, and raises the
    profile of those fighting Obamacare and government expansion and
    unlimited debt.

    Cruz got his profile raised same as if we hoisted him up the flagpole in front of the school by his underpants. Actually this last comment is my favorite, as the writer descends into a detailed dissection of how the Alamo was a huge victory specifically because Sam Houston didn't say "Remember the Massacre at Goliad" on the eve of the Battle of San Jacinto. Then the hardship of Valley Forge gets a shout out, something about Hessians, Janet Yellen is going to be a job-killer, biographies of a couple Spanish freedom fighters, this is becoming the Soviet Union... then he ends by suggesting Goldberg is some kind of surrender monkey, working against the cause: "Offer us better tactics, other than retreat and surrender, cavilling and deceiving our fellow citizens, and misrepresenting and minimizing the severity of our situation, and we will listen. Just don't bash us, offer nonsense, ridicule us, and expect us to
    listen. Behave as if you really are on our side, and we will be happy to
    work with you. Up to now, that hasn't appeared to be the case."

    The delusion scintillates in so many pretty colors. It's a fantasia of nuts.

  36. I think Obamacare covers prescription strength Beano.

  37. Ted Cruz says his mom still loves him so this is definitely a win for the Tea Partrite and America.
    Meanwhile, Jonah Goldberg takes this opportunity to...well, whatever the hell it is he does. The gist I got from that drivel of a column is, "no finger-pointing - unless it's at Obama!" Which reflects perfectly the intellectual vigor of he and his brethren.

    Man oh man. I'd feel a little bit sorry for America ( I do feel for Americans) if it all weren't so fucking entertaining.

  38. tigrismus4:09 PM

    It exposes him, and the Democrats, and the Republicans in the Senate who went along to get along, as weak, uncertain, unable to get the job done and raises the profile of those fighting Obamacare and government expansion and unlimited debt.

    The winners look like losers, those who stood firm look weak and uncertain while those who caved look strong and steadfast, and those who couldn't get the job done look like folks who got the job done?

  39. "If the Obamacare program crashes as badly as its website has, public outrage will be sufficiently broad and deep that Republicans will benefit enormously from being able to say “We told you so!”"
    Yeah, that's the ticket Pantload, wait til middle America finds out you can no longer be denied coverage for pre-existing conditions, sold policies with yearly or lifetime caps and the insured no longer have to cover the uninsured. Boy, won't people be outraged then!!!

  40. A nihilist. Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

  41. Gromet4:23 PM

    Well, when you put it that way, it sounds silly! DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY!

    1984's got nothing on 2013.

  42. Budbear4:34 PM

    It's pretty obvious by now Cruz is in it for the grift. The time he's been spending with Caribou Barbie isn't to improve his mind, just his bottom line.

  43. tigrismus4:35 PM

    The fact that we agree merely proves we're in lock-step union, like our brothers Adolf and Benito always were.

  44. tigrismus4:39 PM

    Republicans will benefit enormously from being able to say “We told you so!”

    It's true, people LOVE that.

  45. MikeJ4:40 PM

    Tom Verlaine for school board!

  46. MikeJ4:48 PM

    That's much like how Obama looked weak for getting rid of Syria's chemical weapons without having to fire a shot.

  47. Well, mission accomplished for Mr. Cruz. Doubled his PAC intake over the last quarter.
    Shut down the US government, widened an already yawning schism within his own party and shit all over the American people for...personal gain. And a bunch of folks see him as a hero.
    Bog Bless America.

  48. montag25:45 PM

    Must really fuck `em up when they're reminded that 38% was not even close to the final tally.

  49. BigHank535:45 PM

    It's hard to get people to seek out treatment for conditions they enjoy.

  50. So, if "Obamacare" crash is inevitable, why all the worry? We just try something else, right? Because there isn't anything wrong with ensuring all Americans have basic healthcare, right? I mean, if you want the nation to be strong, the people need to be strong (and healthy), right?

    Or, maybe these fucks are being, um, a wee bit disingenuous? Mmmm?

  51. M. Krebs5:50 PM

    I was ready to say there's that number again, but twenty two percent? That's in another league.

  52. montag25:52 PM

    And is pretty fuckin' radioactive....

  53. Budbear5:55 PM

    Upvote for flatulent jackanapes.

  54. yay, Meatballs is on!

    On his enormous sammich, no doubt!

  55. Unlike the newborn, they will never develop the cognitive and social skills that it takes to survive out of that bubble.

  56. I sure hope they practice safe Von Clauswitz.

  57. And that mini Mag-Lite was shoved up Jonah's butt in a frathole hazing incident.

  58. If he gets his head out of his ass, there goes his cushy nepotism gig.

  59. M. Krebs6:51 PM

    Yes, this time you do. It's awesome.

  60. stepped_pyramids7:22 PM

    The Republicans simultaneously believe that Obamacare is a farcical disaster and an existential threat that will buy a permanent Democratic majority.

  61. montag27:29 PM

    I suppose this is germane:

  62. XeckyGilchrist7:35 PM

    OK, rap, then. And Karl Rove could guest star.

  63. reallyaimai7:41 PM

    You know the conspiracy against George Bush has risen pretty high when he is driven from the public eye by his own party. Apparently even the GOP has fallen victim to the myths spun by the MesssssM.

  64. reallyaimai7:42 PM

    He meant to say shelf life but he reconsidered because he was pretty sure the ugly wasn't going to expire within the lifetime even of a cheetoh.

  65. reallyaimai7:43 PM

    So who is the cute little black kid whose growth is stunted so he doesn't outgrow the part? Is it Jonah in blackface?

  66. XeckyGilchrist7:52 PM

    OH, so the 38% *is* a bunch of bullshit!

  67. Mr. Wonderful8:06 PM

    Upvote for "something about Hessians".

  68. Mr. Wonderful8:07 PM

    I don't.

  69. Mr. Wonderful8:10 PM

    Well, duh. You what they say: twelve people bought The Velvet Underground's first album, but all of them started political parties.

  70. Mr. Wonderful8:14 PM

    A younger Robin Williams could play him, and get that nerdy voice just right, too.

  71. Mr. Wonderful8:15 PM

    Yeah? But at least the web sites won't work until they fix them and they do!

  72. Mr. Wonderful8:17 PM

    Exactly. As perpetrated by the preening wuss/diabolical Machiavel/socialist/Fascist/coward/tyrant Obama--The Man With All Qualities.

  73. XeckyGilchrist8:23 PM

    I was going to say Steele, but no, your idea is way better.

  74. In fact, they started all tomorrow's political parties.

  75. JennOfArk9:05 PM

    HA! I just posted an approximate mirror comment over there before wading through the comments here (sadly though, I didn't include the phrase "flatulent jackanapes").

  76. JennOfArk9:06 PM

    Also I took the time to upvote several of your comments.

  77. JennOfArk9:09 PM

    And even then, they still couldn't find his head.

  78. redoubt9:25 PM

    Safeword: Politik

  79. redoubt9:33 PM

    Not while he's able to singleassedly do stuff like this.

  80. So, you're a proponent of Clauswitzus interruptus?

  81. TGuerrant10:01 PM

    Deutschey Santa don't take no shit off elves, y'know?

  82. TGuerrant10:15 PM

    Yes, and they got so very skilled at it after assuring The Nation that the polls were skewed and Mitt Romney would win.

    That, by the way, is the most recent post on Morris's site tonight.

    Eat Dick, America. He's waiting!

  83. Tehanu10:31 PM

    Same school of "thought" as "National Park Service thugs," I would guess.

  84. AGoodQuestion11:35 PM

    I certainly won't make any major decisions now without looking at my WWTCD bracelet.

  85. AGoodQuestion11:40 PM

    Well the commenter has tumbled to the fact that Jonah is useless, so yeah, even a broken clock...

    I can never take people seriously when they claim to be history buffs and tag Obama as the worst president in history. The Buchanan example is one of the prime reasons, and Pierce just had the good luck not to be in office when America actually broke.

  86. PersonaAuGratin11:55 PM

    They've expanded their repertoire in recent years:

    And so that this is not as OT as it may appear, Herr zu Guttenberg is married to a great-great-grandaughter of socialized healthcare pioneer Otto von Bismarck.

  87. Haystack12:06 AM

    Who knew Yosemite Sam had an internet connection?

  88. It's like Gettysburg, except this time Lee orders all of Longstreet's men to commit seppuku.

    Good times.

  89. BigHank5312:24 AM

    Shoes? I'm gonna wear chain-mail gauntlets, just in case my hand gets a little too close to his all-devouring maw.

  90. Spaghetti Lee1:56 AM

    "I will now filibuster this bill Jack Nicholson impression!"

  91. logjam82:03 AM

    She's the Patron Saint of Caused Losses.

  92. Lancelot Link3:01 AM

    More like "lose-your-lunch alert"

  93. Smut Clyde4:45 AM

    Can I just say, being of part Prussian ancestry, that it causes me physical pain to see crazy uncle Clausewitz's name misspelled.

  94. Smut Clyde4:49 AM

    Worst Molly Bloom ending EVAH.

  95. Smut Clyde4:53 AM

    all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy all work and no play makes jack a dull boy

  96. Smut Clyde5:04 AM

    Is this my beautiful house? Is this my beautiful wife?
    No sir, you are in the wrong neighbourhood. Best you keep on driving.

  97. Smut Clyde5:09 AM

    raises the profile of those fighting Obamacare and government expansion and unlimited debt.

    A number of actions raise one's profile, e.g. court appearances for goat-related offenses against public decency, or being caught with a dead hooker in the boot. Or so I hear from a friend.

  98. skylights5:59 AM

    This type of garbage is all over the Internet tonight, more than usual. There is a very sizable latent fascist minority in this country (who think Democrats are fascists, of course).

  99. Pope Zebbidie XIII6:16 AM

    Keep it real.

  100. Smut Clyde6:25 AM

    "Our officers are continuing to interview suspects and collect clues in the case of the Psycho Killer Qu'est-ce que C'est, and we expect to make an arrest shortly."

  101. I'm no authority on Clausewitz, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about watering the Liberty Tree in that infamous quote.

  102. reallyaimai7:57 AM

    Is this an alternative history where Japan won the Revolutionary War? Sounds exciting.

  103. The FAA was notified about the woman flying above the neighborhood, in defiance of the laws of gravity.

  104. A liberal ethos.

  105. That's not a bracelet.

  106. And that very Mag-Lite grew up to be a GOP House member, dim bulb and all. Now you know ... the rest of the story.

  107. O my God, Smut Clyde. You're friends with a Republican Congressman?

  108. Jaime Oria9:02 AM

    Blut und Eisen!

  109. J Neo Marvin9:19 AM

    But we're on a road to nowhere!

  110. Helmut Monotreme10:14 AM

    It's way too big to be a cock ring.

  111. tigrismus11:02 AM

    Your friend either has tiny hookers or HUGE feet...

  112. OtherJimDonahue11:22 AM

    The fact that Goldberg actually gets paid to do that is absolutely amazing.

  113. Psst, tigrismus. SC is apparently what we call a
    limey. So instead of hood and trunk, it's bonnet and
    boot. Also, eggplants are aubergines, cookies are biscuits, vests are
    waistcoats, T-shirts are vests, pigs are hoofweasels, doorbells are
    little bens, and plum puddings don't have plums in them. Let me know if
    you need any more pointers (or "finglongers") about Saxonian.

  114. Palin-endorsed Steve Lonegan, the newly-elected US senator from New Jersey, begs to differ. At least until Senator Booker gets the Capitol police to drag him out of the office.

  115. tigrismus12:58 PM

    My mom used to fix limey beans and insist I eat a spoonful EVERY TIME because I hadn't ever had them before. Anyway, Smut is an antipodean, which means he HATES feet, even extra large ones.

  116. Smut is an antipodean, which means he HATES feet

    I ... I concede the field.

  117. Halloween_Jack1:36 PM

    Rock Master Scott & The Dynamic Three for FDNY!

  118. Halloween_Jack1:42 PM

    But if at all possible, I think conservatives and Republicans would be well-served by putting these disagreements behind us, like family fights at a Thanksgiving table that are best forgotten.

    "If at all possible." Even for Doughy, that's a remarkable weasel phrase. I think it'll be electric carving knives at dawn.

  119. Halloween_Jack3:08 PM

    We'll see how long it takes Fox to build a mini TV studio in his back yard.

  120. Halloween_Jack3:09 PM

    There's something about his expression that just screams "career frotteur."

  121. Smut Clyde4:22 PM

    The choice of "well-served" and "Thanksgiving table" in such close proximity reminds us how difficult it is for Goldberg to get his mind off food. Political cannibalism in particular.

  122. StringOnAStick4:34 PM

    Aussie or Kiwi? Because if it's the latter he simply hates SHOES.

  123. StringOnAStick4:36 PM

    Exactly how old does one have to be in order to have voted for Goldwater? Let's see, carry the 1, yes, hmm; old enough to be the young side of the core Fox demographic.

  124. ColBatGuano12:18 AM

    and water is flowing underground.

  125. IncongruousAmoeba12:25 AM

    Shouldn't it be "flatu-napes" (with or without the hyphen)?

    "flatulent jackanapes" is truly awesome, though.