Tuesday, October 08, 2013

HOMAGE TO ALAN BROMLEY.

I just wanted to let you know that, while the meth labs of the right have been cooking up new forms of idiocy, there is still room for the old favorites -- Joel B. Pollak of Breitbart.com:
I was at a dinner recently where I happened to be seated at a table with new acquaintances of the liberal political persuasion.
Yes, that's right -- the liberal dinner party routine! What did the silly liberals do at this party, Pollak?
We went around the table introducing ourselves. As I said that I work for a "conservative website," a man at the far end of the table made his displeasure known by booing.
Pretty fast start, but if I were directing this thing, I'd have had the liberals assaulting him before he could say a word, intuiting his conservatism by his well-tailored clothes and manly figure.
These were professional, accomplished, senior members of the community. They had never met a conservative before.
Of course they've never met a conservative -- Pollak suggests they work for a living, whereas "wealth producers" pass their days in think tanks, on editorial boards, and at wingnut welfare playpens like Breitbart.com; how would they ever get together?

Attend these puny liberals' reactions to Pollak's wisdom:
Instead, I began to face questions: you really support what Boehner is doing? Yes, I replied. He's doing the right thing by standing up to the president. Gasps...

"They can't stand the fact that a black man is in the White House!" someone interjected.

That's not true, I said. Oh, yes it is, they said...
Hard to believe these liberals are professional and accomplished, as they are apparently also nearly pre-verbal. Also, when Pollak defended Boehner's shutdown, he says, "that stunned them. 'What? You really believe that?...'" They didn't know conservatives are Republicans, either. Well, such is the state of our civics education these days.

Of course whenever someone runs this bit, I am put in mind of Alan Bromley, the Shakespeare of the liberal dinner party whom I discovered in the early days of this blog. He had a pretty good sideline in allegedly verbatim conversations in which he lectured angry Muslims, but his real stock in trade was showing silly liberals drinking their "mediocre Chardonnay" and toasting the assassination of George W. Bush at their silly liberal parties.

If you wonder what happened to Bromley, good news -- he's branched out into the lively arts. Here are some of his lyrics:
They say I can’t be right cause I care about those below so I’ll argue
And fight with those who don’t know
Cause there’s a war going on outside nobody’s safe from
Christians Jews Hindus and Muslims... 
Like to party and drink every Friday nite even tho I still think
We got a battle to fight
I know I’m right despite the critics views unscrunch your feet and put
Yourself in my shoes
We only get a fraction of what’s going on from the news they say I
Can’t be right I think they got it confused
I go and cop more ice I think I’m losing my cool I may be a lot of
Things but I’m nobody’s fool
Good grades like I got it on with teachers in school had to educate
Myself cause they didn’t drop jewels...
As the composer of "Love Juice in All Three Holes," I'd say he's onto something. Next stop: Interpretive dance!

118 comments:

  1. Bethany Spencer10:40 AM

    Liberal Agenda:

    9:00 A.M.: Dinner Party

    10:00 A.M: Dinner Party

    11:00 A.M. Dinner Party

    12:00 P.M. Sip latte

    1:00 P.M. Dinner Party

    3:00 P.M. Dinner Party

    5:00 P.M. Dinner Party

    7:00 P.M. Dinner Party



    It's pretty much all we do. I'd say he's got us dead to rights, but I don't see any gay abortions scheduled.

    ReplyDelete
  2. They really do have a badly written script they all read off. This isn't even thinly veiled, it's the clear face of a dumbass. This is beyond Sparks and Meyer territory.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And I'm on a diet!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bethany Spencer10:47 AM

    Typical liberal. What? Are you too good to grow fat eating twinkies and Chik Fil A like a good American?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll bet the liberal women at these parties all look like Bella Abzug and the men like Mallard Fillmore's boss.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ellis_Weiner10:54 AM

    You had me at "playpens." Meanwhile, these baiting-the-liberals anecdotes are essentially Penthouse Forum tales (pornographic fanfic) for Young Republicans. "I'm sorry--when I said 'Hayek' I meant Friedrich, not Salma," I murmured dryly.

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  7. Mark_Bzzzz11:04 AM

    These were professional, accomplished, senior members of the community. They had never met a conservative before.


    This implies that professional, accomplished senior members of the community are rarely conservatives. Which I agree with, but I'm surprised to hear Pollak to admit it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.11:04 AM

    Are you too good to grow fat eating twinkies and Chik Fil A like a good American?


    Yes he is, but that's because he is a danish socialist.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bethany Spencer11:07 AM

    I seemed to remember his not being American, but I figure the joke works either way.

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  10. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq11:09 AM

    Yeah, but what is served as food? Dead fetuses and embryonal stem cells. And the dinner is of course a poly perverse queer orgy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bethany Spencer11:10 AM

    OK, but then explain the presence of the heroic conservatives.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.11:12 AM

    As long as they hate the sinners, it is okay for them to love a little bit of sin.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.11:14 AM

    I'm of the opinion that it works even better because of that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. DocAmazing11:21 AM

    Why would a Dane eat Twinkies? If the US interpretation of their pastry is anything to go by, there's carbohydrate a'plenty to be had in Denmark!

    ReplyDelete
  15. DocAmazing11:25 AM

    I think I understand why Pollak keeps being invited to these dinners...

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427152/?ref_=sr_1

    ReplyDelete
  16. coozledad11:27 AM

    I got it on with teachers in school had to educate
    Myself cause they didn’t drop jewels...



    What makes me think this guy spends a lot of time scanning Craigslist for "red-haired shitter with teacher frames".

    ReplyDelete
  17. LookWhosInTheFreezer11:32 AM

    Don't forget arugula!

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  18. zencomix11:33 AM

    "I know I’m right despite the critics views unscrunch your feet and put
    Yourself in my shoes"



    What is this, the demo for the the audition for the Milli Vanilli tribute band, Magilla Vanilla?

    ReplyDelete
  19. LookWhosInTheFreezer11:35 AM

    Beyond The Valley of the Dumb. I only wonder if they were brought to these alleged dinner parties by Tom Friedman's cabbie.

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  20. LookWhosInTheFreezer11:42 AM

    Later in the evening Pollack caused an uproar by eschewing the hoppy IPA microbrews that everyone else was pretending to like by demanding someone bring him a Coors light, damnit!

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  21. LookWhosInTheFreezer11:44 AM

    it is okay for them to love live a little bit of sin.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Substance McGravitas11:45 AM

    unscrunch your feet


    Are you kidding? My liberal elite dollars paid for PROFESSIONAL SCRUNCHING.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Tiny Hermpahrodite, Esq11:45 AM

    You edited your comment Dr. Noisewater! I'm shocked, shocked I tell you!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Bethany Spencer11:54 AM

    My first comment was bleh. When I comment at this esteemed blog I like to fly a little closer to the sun.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Bethany Spencer11:57 AM

    "Love Juice in All Three Holes"


    Surely there are easier ways to say you enjoy vodka tamponing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. XeckyGilchrist11:59 AM

    Arugula, the Wrong Mustard, and hold the Cheez Whiz.

    ReplyDelete
  27. edroso12:01 PM

    But none more poetic.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Bethany Spencer12:02 PM

    "Arugula, The Wrong Mustard and Hold the Cheez Whiz" was easily the best cop drama of the seventies.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Derelict12:05 PM

    These were professional, accomplished, senior members of the community. They had never met a conservative before.
    Yeah. Sure. They've lived on the planet Liberalta for their entire lives and were just in town for the weekend.
    Shorter: I know my arguments can be picked apart any semi-aware third-grader. But look at how brilliant I am when confronting the marionettes in my head!

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  30. Dr. Hunky Jimpjorps12:16 PM

    My favorite part of these stories is how the protagonist calmly lays out a impassioned, thoughtful extemporaneous argument which nobody interrupts, which perfectly shocks all assembled into facile retorts.

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  31. It was Megan McCardles' bus driver.

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  32. I was at a hot dog stand the other evening with some toffs in bow ties wearing monocles and top hats. They tut-tutted when I suggested they try the hot mustard on their dogs, preferring instead the Grey Poupon proffered by their valets. When I pointed out that their condiment originated in France they shared a knowing look amongst themselves and one of them replied, “you people really don’t know much of anything, do you?” and they all tittered behind well-manicured hands.

    Then I told them to all go fuck themselves.

    The End.

    ReplyDelete
  33. JennOfArk12:27 PM

    Love Comes in Spurts

    ReplyDelete
  34. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.12:36 PM

    But MY comment doesn't make any sense anymore and is therefore dimished. But thanks for the upvote.

    ReplyDelete
  35. JennOfArk12:38 PM

    Note that Pollak told them he works for a "conservative website;" not "I work for Breitbart.com." This suggests that he possesses just enough rudimentary awareness to understand that his association with the Breitbart clownshow would not be viewed as high status by actual "professional, accomplished, senior members of the community."

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  36. I think it's high time you Reverb Motherfuckers stage a Mission of Burma-style cult comeback. The world is ready.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.12:42 PM

    I could go for some frikadeller with gravy, grilled onions and mashed potatoes washed down with beer right now.

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  38. Bethany Spencer12:58 PM

    Oddly, James Taranto objects to being vivisected.

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  39. montag21:01 PM

    Of course Pollak would have to invent this conversation. Because any dinner party with the guests he describes would, with his introduction, begin with "Breitbart's still dead, right?"

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  40. LookWhosInTheFreezer1:01 PM

    "I knew I had stumbled into a Liberal bastion when I saw not one, but TWO pitchers of water on the table, each with the image of the First 'Lady' carved into the glass. The stench of steamed broccoli wafted in from the kitchen like the smell of the dead at Dachau."

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  41. KatWillow1:03 PM

    I was at a dinner party with a bunch of conservatives, and when I stated I was a liberal one of them "booed"......and I said...... and then...... in the end I threw a roll covered with gravy at him!


    True story. "He" was my brother, of course.

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  42. LookWhosInTheFreezer1:04 PM

    Brought to you by The Third Way ™

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  43. Tiny Hermphrodite, Esq1:07 PM

    No problem. We can do a republican style compromise he can't reject without seeming a hypocrite. He'll get sedated.


    BTW I must admit I don't quite understand the train what leads from danish meatballs (good) to Taranto (not so good in a very rape apologist kind of way).

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  44. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq1:08 PM

    train of thought

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  45. Teresa1:11 PM

    Is this his lesson on how to be a smarmy arsehole? Because it's very good. He's quite good at it. As opposed to his work at his nut...er "conservative website." lol

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  46. calling all toasters1:16 PM

    How conservatives remember their "dinner party," and how it looked to sane people:

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  47. Gromet1:26 PM

    Right? If what he says is true, then a waaaay more interesting question than "What did they say at dinner?" is "Why does conservatism hold so little attraction among the accomplished that they end up looking at conservatives like we are alien? Is it because our ideas don't withstand testing, so to accomplish anything you have to reject them?" Even better might be an inward-looking "Why do I feel like everyone smart is against me?" Then we might get somewhere. So many more useful columns could be written about dinner if a conservative would ever just unscrunch his feet.

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  48. J Neo Marvin1:31 PM

    I go and cop more ice I think I’m losing my cool


    More proof that meth is a conservative drug.

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  49. Gromet1:32 PM

    Shorter Pollak: "Every time I leave my house, I feel like everyone smart is against me."

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  50. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume1:36 PM

    8:00 P.M.: Dinner party comprised of liberal bookstore clerks and snooty feminist baristas. Invite lone wingnut columnist and ambush him. As a consolation, pay for his cab ride home and instruct driver to share soothing platitudes.

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  51. mgmonklewis1:45 PM

    "Dear Breitbart Forum: I'm a thirtysomething writer in a small midwestern town. I never thought this would happen to me, but last week I left my Mom's basement to attend a liberal dinner party. Well, you can imagine..."

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  52. Mooser1:45 PM

    Sorta wierd, isn't it. I mean we are, to begin with, right, and funny and want the best for everyone. But the Tea Party is going to drive the country over a cliff, and then, of course, blame us for it ('See? Liberals can't govern') with the help of Fox, of course.

    And we can't seem to do anything about it.
    I'm beginning to suspect it's maybe not as funny as I thought.

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  53. mgmonklewis1:48 PM

    I was hoping more for http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titus_andronicus

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  54. Mooser1:50 PM

    Mallard Fillmore plays bass? IDNKT.

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  55. Mooser1:53 PM

    Tiny, your comment stands on it's own merits. It is not reply-dependent.

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  56. Mooser1:54 PM

    Me, too! I avoid eating. It affects my appetite.

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  57. Mooser1:57 PM

    Okay I read comments. I was wrong, it is funny.

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  58. Of course whenever someone runs this bit, I am put in mind of Alan Bromley, the Shakespeare of the liberal dinner party

    "Is this a bagger which I see before me? His fatass sits at my right hand? Come, let me scorn thee! I hear thee not, and yet I see thee shill."



    "BENGHAZI!!! Check and mate, loony lib!"

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  59. Bethany Spencer2:04 PM

    I'm just implying that James Taranto is probably stuffed with meatballs and potatoes and beer at any given time. Also shit.

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  60. Like to party and drink every Friday nite even tho I still thinkWe got a battle to fight
    I know I’m right despite the critics views unscrunch your feet and put
    Yourself in my shoes



    I don't see him on the front lines in Afghanistan, he's partying and drinking every Friday night. By his own criteria, which of us hasn't been in his shoes?

    ReplyDelete
  61. Bethany Spencer2:05 PM

    That made me laaaaaugh.

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  62. Bethany Spencer2:06 PM

    Come to think of it, this also does, um, double duty as a title for DP porn.

    ReplyDelete
  63. "I'm sorry--when I said 'Hayek' I meant Friedrich, not Salma," I murmured dryly.


    Dryly? Surely not!

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  64. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq2:16 PM

    Also thank's for ruining my appetite.

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  65. Tofu, gotta have tofu. Artisinal tofu

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  66. XeckyGilchrist2:22 PM

    And to drink, a tall frou-frou glass of soymilk with extra phytoestrogen for that faggifying effect.

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  67. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq2:25 PM

    Fuck. Ignore the big picture. We return now to our regularly shared snark and abuse. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  68. ohsopolite2:29 PM

    Big Craigslist opportunity for Mr. Bromley!

    ReplyDelete
  69. Bethany Spencer2:31 PM

    I thought you just sharing a picture of people running away from James Taranto's large intestine. Made perfect sense to me.

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  70. satch2:58 PM

    "Hard to believe these liberals are professional and accomplished, as they are apparently also nearly pre-verbal."


    nuh-HUH!!!

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  71. Mondfledermaus3:01 PM

    How come did Pollack find himself invited to a liberal dinner party? How come nobody knew he was a conservative? Or did the freeloader just crashed the dinner party?


    Most likely he is just making the whole thing up.

    ReplyDelete
  72. tigrismus3:03 PM

    Maybe he was saying "Boo-urns."

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  73. satch3:05 PM

    "The chardonnay was mediocre, and there wasn't NEARLY enough of it..."

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  74. JohnnyGetYourGum3:12 PM

    And here all this time I'd thought that George and Ira Gershwin had written "Love Juice In All Three Holes."

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  75. satch3:15 PM

    In wingnut circles that's known as Meeting The Enemy On His Own Turf. He wants to be able to answer proudly when his son asks him one day: "Daddy, what did you do in the culture War?"

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  76. montag23:30 PM

    Um, now we know why Tim Robbins didn't release a soundtrack album for "Bob Roberts."


    They really don't need any encouragement.

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  77. montag23:32 PM

    "I intentionally spilled gravy on Susan Sarandon."


    "Awesome, Dad."

    ReplyDelete
  78. TGuerrant3:34 PM

    Force him to drink an extra glass of FLOTUS water!

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  79. tigrismus3:38 PM

    Interesting how this deep, witty person of mature Libertarian/Conservative heritage is expected to jump at this opportunity before any mention of remuneration.

    ReplyDelete
  80. TGuerrant3:42 PM

    Finally, a way to work dildoes into the discussion!

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  81. Halloween_Jack3:51 PM

    Four of his songs, including “Lover Don’t Step on My Dreams”, “I Know I’m Right”, “Let it Rain” and “Thank God I Was Born in the USA” have been played either on radio, on YouTube and/or in clubs in New York City and Miami.

    Wow, YouTube? That's the big time, baby! I'm guessing that the "clubs" had open mic nights and the liberal, "professional, accomplished, senior members of the community" put in their headphones when he stepped up. But he showed them, by golly.

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  82. TGuerrant3:51 PM

    To be serious for a moment, Pollack's plight as lone conservative in the harsh DC wilderness has forced me to acknowledge Tucker Carlson isn't getting out much anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  83. TGuerrant3:53 PM

    I'm alarmed to note that Mr. Pollack is not taking comments on his blog.


    How can I get word to him that it is liberal dinner party custom for male attendees to receive handjobs under the table from the female attendees throughout the event?


    He needs to insist on his right to equal service next time!

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  84. Well, Ira did write the lyrics to “Gush Gush Gushing,” and the lyrics to everyone’s favourite orgy sing-along, “Mischa, Yascha,Toscha, Sascha”, so the mistaken assumption is understandable.

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  85. cleter3:57 PM

    "I told a long, complicated story about a cab driver, son."

    ReplyDelete
  86. Or maybe it's this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQ_LHyx2odc

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  87. whetstone4:09 PM

    Maybe the dinner party isn't meant to be "real," but mythopoesis. And it does capture something vital--essential, even--about our current political crisis: a dude whose life's work is shitting on liberals who is nonetheless completely surprised when they're "mean" to him.


    It explains a lot about House Republicans, who can simultaneously decry the Socialist In Chief and his America-destroying policies while crying about how he won't politely negotiate with them. It takes a really psychotic sense of privilege: literally expecting thank you sir, may I have another from not just anyone, which is already bad enough, but from the most powerful figure in America.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.4:14 PM

    Come to think of it, it makes perfect sense to me, too.

    ReplyDelete
  89. montag24:14 PM

    Still and all, if your rhetorical armory extends no further than doing bad ripoffs of Alan Bromley, you're just plain fucked. You might as well be wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with, "as a matter of fact, I am the village idiot."

    ReplyDelete
  90. dstatton4:16 PM

    If he had said Breitbart.com rather than a conservative website, there would have bee either laughter or quizzical looks.

    ReplyDelete
  91. PersonaAuGratin4:39 PM

    What rhymes with "Pelosi"?

    ReplyDelete
  92. satch5:01 PM

    Shorter wingnuts:


    "We're so righteous the Kenyan Pretender should WANT us to kill him!"

    ReplyDelete
  93. LittlePig6:40 PM

    With a candlestick...

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  94. Gromet7:03 PM

    In the fleur de sel pantry.

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  95. Gromet7:16 PM

    Here they are in the memorable scene where Pollak radios to say Boehner's an American hero.

    ReplyDelete
  96. whetstone7:29 PM

    I'm going to add "craft vodka tamponing" to my list of fabricated trend pieces that I want to get into the New York Times, after baby tattoo artists and 8-track-only record stores.

    ReplyDelete
  97. Atticus Dogsbody8:06 PM

    Bela Lugosi.

    ReplyDelete
  98. Spaghetti Lee9:17 PM

    clubs in New York City


    "Hey, Blake, check out this song. It's like, so ironically bad, bro. We've gotta play it at next week's 80's Retro party."

    ReplyDelete
  99. Spaghetti Lee9:30 PM

    I have a different theory: just like my fellow millennials are dealing with an uncertain and frightening future by seeking solace in their childhood and fetishizing pop cultural artifacts from the 90's, conservatives are seeing that most of the public blames them for the shutdown, that the president isn't cowering before their might like they thought he would, and that the Republican caucus appears to be cracking up, and they retreat to the place where they know they can be safe: an entire universe of Liberal Dinner Parties. Really, how dangerous can reality be when conservatives know that somewhere, in the warmest and fuzziest reaches of Imagination Land, a doyenne of queer literary theory and her nebbishy, effete husband are gasping in shock at pure-hearted American patriotism and good ol' common sense, unable to cope with it? Oh, what a beautiful dream it is!

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  100. redoubt9:58 PM

    Expect the piece on "artisanal vodka tamponing" by November, tops.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Haystack9:59 PM

    a badly written script


    A rich, snooty, out-of-touch liberal instructs her frazzled assistant to invite film director Sydney J. Pollack to her upcoming annual dinner party, widely considered among the arugula and chardonnay set the social event of the season. The assistant, upon learning Pollack has passed away and fearful of her boss's wrath, panics, and invites Pollak instead. "It's kind of a post-modern masquerade party," she tells him, "you don't have to wear a costume. Just tell everyone your name is Sydney. Get it?" Hilarity ensues.

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  102. BigHank5310:21 PM

    ...tattoos of babies, on babies, or performed by babies?


    Shit, I'm afraid there might be an actual market for that piece.

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  103. AGoodQuestion10:29 PM

    Alan Bromley never saw a teacher's testicles fall off, so obviously he didn't go to school in New York.

    ReplyDelete
  104. AGoodQuestion10:32 PM

    It's pretty much all we do. I'd say he's got us dead to rights, but I don't see any gay abortions scheduled.
    Oh but there are! The 7PM dinner party has the most amazing guest. He can perform a gay abortion blindfolded while eating dessert with the other hand and playing nose-flute.

    ReplyDelete
  105. AGoodQuestion10:35 PM

    Parliament-Frikadeller are about ready to tear the roof off the sucka.

    ReplyDelete
  106. AGoodQuestion10:49 PM

    Ah, so they can do conservative Bauhaus parodies anyway.

    http://youtu.be/zq7xyjU-jsU

    ReplyDelete
  107. realinterrobang11:04 PM

    "Faggifying" is my new favourite word.

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  108. There's gotta be a "Bela Lugosi's Fed" joke in there somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  109. GreenEagle11:46 PM

    " Four of his songs, including “Lover Don’t Step on My Dreams”, “I Know I’m Right”, “Let it Rain” and “Thank God I Was Born in the USA” have been played either on radio, on YouTube and/or in clubs in New York City and Miami."


    ...and/or clubs in New York City and Miami... Really, the above comment is one of the most pathetic things I have ever heard.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Spaghetti Lee12:08 AM

    Well, it's about time someone did a gritty reboot of Dave.

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  111. KatWillow12:09 AM

    Like going on a Agatha Christie reading binge.

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  112. News Nag12:46 AM

    The obvious answer is that the whole story is bullshit. I'd bet good liberal money on it.

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  113. I love all you guys.

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  114. Jeffrey_Kramer8:50 AM

    Jonah Goldberg will tell you that all good money is conservative. The dollar is a conservative currency because it is national, and it changes so little across time and denomination. The Euro of course is none of these things, and that is why...


    Jesus, I'm starting to get into this. Somebody shoot me.

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  115. tigrismus9:26 AM

    Artisanal vodka or artisanal tampons? Maybe we should corner both the organic potato AND natural sea sponge markets just in case.

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  116. tigrismus9:30 AM

    Are you trying to KILL people?!!

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  117. bekabot2:02 PM

    "These were professional, accomplished, senior members of
    the community. They had never met a conservative before.
    "

    Not even at Thanksgiving?

    And don't they know any taxicab drivers? This is supposed to be Story Time, right?

    ReplyDelete