All right, here are five words that should make you smile: You don’t live in California…. I would imagine that saves many of you ten thousand dollars a year or more right there. There’s something to be happy about. Speaking of which, since I live in L.A. but spend a lot of time in this state, I’ve always been perplexed why everything seems to work better up here… the roads are better, the services are better… but we pay the ridiculous amount of state income tax. I don’t have to tell this crowd — don’t ever go there.Thank you, now I'll fuck off with my check back to L.A. while you stay up here and get rained on. Do even conservatives go for this "Like you, I hate the major media centers and that's why I spend all my time in them" bullshit anymore?
Most of the speech is about Simon's conversion. Yes, that again. "Hey, Lou, 'dja know I usedta be a liberal?" "Give it a rest, Roger." "No really, I even hung out with the Black Panthers." "We know, Roger." "Lou, you know something else? Richard Pryor never laughed at my jokes." "Alright, rummy, hit the bricks, let's go..."
At one point in the speech Simon is approached by a glamorous Soviet agent!
Later, on subsequent cultural exchanges to the Soviet Union in the eighties, I learned just how true as KGB agents followed us everywhere, including the bathroom. An attempt was even made, at hotel in Yalta, to draft me into Soviet intelligence by a female reporter from Soviet Screen magazine. Not only was I not tempted, I was terrified."You know Schwarzenegger, yes? You find out how he become big star with such big accent. Comes the revolution you can be commissar of Hollywood. Also of my ass. You like? I was gymnast."
(Only lately, have I begun to understand what it was they wanted. More of that in a moment).Simon never follows up on this, at least in the transcript, which is really too bad ("Spielberg? A Red! Jack Nicholson? Red! Brian DePalma? Ooh, a big Red!").
His big finish:
Rather than boycott Hollywood, take it over – at least part of it. But do it well and professionally. Otherwise there’s no point. No one’s interested.They left out the part where ushers went through the crowd with tin cups. Coming soon: PJDVD! Not only are the movies conservative, you don't have to rub elbows with the hoi polloi and maybe catch TB to watch 'em!
As one who was given by God, or my parents’ DNA or something, the ability to write dialogue and make up stories, I am going to be devoting more of my time to that in the future, putting some of the skills I learned as a liberal to work as a conservative...
And people like me need the support of people like you more than you know. After decades of pervasive liberal culture, we need an audience, financial support, and new means of distribution. That’s a whole infrastructure, if you think about it. And then there’s educational system and the media to think about…. Whoa…. No one ever said it was going to be easy. Thank you.
I like to think of this speech as Simon's "Garageland." The truth is only known by geezer types. (h/t Dan Coyle)
After decades of pervasive liberal culture, we need an audience, financial support, and new means of distribution. That’s a whole infrastructure, if you think about it. And then there’s educational system and the media to think about…. Whoa…. No one ever said it was going to be easy.
ReplyDeleteAnd certainly, no one is going to work very hard to change it too much, because then what we shake you down with? I mean this only works if you really believe that the public enterprise is completely failing you with these good roads and good schools here in Washington State. And, of course, everyone loves a good propaganda story put on film, which is why it's more important than ever we greenlight American Carol II and the important Atlas Shrugged III: We'll End This Yet, because it's clear that the liberal free market exists to scorn conservatism, but we'll show them! We will start building our new audience, our new world soon. And the rest of the infrastructure too, like conservative bridges! No unions need apply. We'll build solid, right-wing bridges that go from gated community to armed camp to exurb, and we'll screen architects for any liberal bias and an over-reliance on science to build these bridges. The glorious era is coming comrades! Buy now!
OK, B- for effort. "I was approached by a sexy female ex-KGB" is marginally more interesting than "I was approached by an ethnic taxi driver who wanted to talk about globalization."
ReplyDeleteRather than boycott Hollywood, take it over – at least part of it. But do it well and professionally. Otherwise there’s no point. No one’s interested.
ReplyDeleteWell, see, there's your problem right there. "Doing it well" just ain't gonna happen. And you'll never ever figure out why.
Grade inflation! C-
ReplyDeleteAfter decades of pervasive liberal culture, we need an audience,
ReplyDeletefinancial support, and new means of distribution. That’s a whole
infrastructure, if you think about it.
Nine years. He's had 9 years to try to find an audience, financial support and a new means of distribution for PJ Media. He has re-branded twice, once when oops! someone else was already using the name OpenSource and once when it finally dawned on him that Pajamas Media was a stupid name. And he still can't summon up 1/10th of the audience that Lady Gaga gets on Twitter. Why would anyone listen to him?
I do enjoy the confession that "dialog" is a liberal skill, not a conservative one.
ReplyDeleteWell, no one's expecting Roger L. Simon to make the honor roll, but it would be nice if he passed.
ReplyDeleteI can just see the raised eyebrows and the side eyes in the audience when clueless d00d told his stories to my fellow Washingtonians. Criminy!
ReplyDeleteOne can't help wondering if Simon genuinely believes this nonsense, or does he get together with friends for drinks afterwards to gloat about the latest load o' bilge he peddled to the suckers?
ReplyDeleteSimon (grinning as he recounts his latest triumph: "This time I told the morons..."
Drinking Buddy (in slack-jawed amazement): "And they actually bought that?"
Simon (wonderingly, as if he can't quite believe it himself): "Yes! Good God, they're stupid!"
When I saw this, I wondered if it was meant to herald some sort of return to cinema after over a decade of failure. Imagine my shock when I visited IMDB and learned that his most recent credit is from 2011, and it's apparently the top-rated thing he's done, at least on that site. And if that weren't enough, it turns out the film is about Mexican-American culture. Honest.
ReplyDeleteNaturally, there is a caveat: Simon is credited with creating the story but not writing the script. I'm not sure what to make of that - I've seen plenty of projects where the person who came up with the "original story" is an otherwise awful writer. Reading the synopsis, I can't help but think that the "original story" was Simon telling Chris Weitz "Why don't you do a movie about border jumpers and gang bangers?"
Did you know that I used to be a big flake? Give me money!
ReplyDeleteNo really, do that.
"You know Schwarzenegger, yes? You find out how he become big star with
ReplyDeletesuch big accent. Comes the revolution you can be commissar of Hollywood.
Also of my ass. You like? I was gymnast."
They seem to be so fascinated by Communists because they, in their heart of hearts, would like to have that kind of control. It's professional jealousy.
Jesus, is Yoosta-Bee still a cash cow? That's SO 2003.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, the tenth anniversary of "Bomb the Fuck out of Baghdad for Great Boners" is coming up soon. I plan to observe it by getting really, really drunk.
Rejected Penthouse Forum material. He had to use it somewhere.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the transcript lacks the emotional fire and brimstone of the original delivery.
ReplyDeleteIs this the Roger Simon of Politico? If so, he is a well-known pile of horse droppings, intellectually. Move along, nothing to see here.
ReplyDeleteBeen saying the same for years. Turns out they didn't hate the USSR, they were envious, and then sad when it fell apart. They spent 10 years trying to find a new role model, flirted with Militant Islamic terrorism for a while, but the Christian variety just doesn't have the same cache. So they started trying to recreate the good old days with cries of "Socialism!" but it's just so forced, like doing a reunion special of your favorite show from the 80s, only to find out everyone is old or dead and recasting with young lookalikes who just camp it up for the paycheck.
ReplyDelete"Story by" is Hollywoodese for scribbling, "something about Mexican immigrants and gangs" on a napkin and handing it off to someone to actually write the script.
ReplyDeleteDolt writes: An attempt was even made, at hotel in Yalta, to draft me into Soviet intelligence by a female reporter from Soviet Screen magazine. Not only was I not tempted, I was terrified.
ReplyDeleteNo, dear, that was just the maid asking if she should come back later. She doesn't speak English and you don't understand Russian and well, you're a moron.
Do you know, it's been fifteen years since Roger actually produced a screenplay, and on behalf of Hollywood (I'm industry), I feel entitled to say fuck you, you useless asshole, and stay outta my town.
There was once a show which featured actors in various circus roles, and it was in this show that Hollywood exacted its vengeance upon the obnoxious Willie Ames by shooting him out of a cannon.
I guess I wish the show was still running, so we could do the same to Roger L Simon.
Conservative "humor" is really tragic. Between the stylings of Rich Lowry and ol' Moses Whine here, it's a wonder they don't just fall right off their mobility scooters from laughing so hard.
ReplyDeleteGood thing Medicare covers Hover-rounds and portable oxygen so that they can all squawk about the evil government and how their tax dollars get wasted on moochers.
Rather than boycott Hollywood, take it over – at least part of it. But do it well and professionally. Otherwise there’s no point. No one’s interested.
ReplyDeleteTh' fuck's stopping ya?
You'll note the phrase no one clearly includes ol' Roger himself.
ReplyDeleteSadly, no; thus the middle initial. Yet he is still a (not quite as well-known) pile of horse droppings.
ReplyDeleteAn attempt was even made, at hotel in Yalta, to draft me into Soviet
ReplyDeleteintelligence by a female reporter from Soviet Screen magazine. Not only
was I not tempted, I was terrified.
It wasn't so much the female reporter that was terrifying, but Boris, the little mustachioed guy she brought along who reeked of squirrel droppings and moose spit.
Boris: "I'm told you are brilliant Hollywood screenplayer."
Simon: "Who told you that?"
Boris: "You did. Writer of Days of Wine and Moses."
Female Reporter: "Only idiot could write such crap. You are perfectly suited for Soviet intelligence."
The dream will never die (as long as the gravy train keeps rolling).
ReplyDeleteIt's telling that Mamet starts off his recent exercise in liberal straw man burning with these words: "Karl Marx summed up Communism as “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” This is a good, pithy saying, which, in practice, has succeeded in bringing, upon those under its sway, misery, poverty, rape, torture, slavery, and death." The rest is about Obama taking away our guns, and liberals thinking that black people are stupid (hence, affirmative action). They really have exhausted everything in their playbook and are just going back to the hackneyed cliches of their (or their parents') youths.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Soviet Screen magazine. He might have found his niche had he paid more attention.
ReplyDeleteAnd it really doesn't say anything about Marxism. Marxism=Soviet Unions roughly means nothing.
ReplyDeleteIn Conservative America conservative comedians laugh at YOU.
ReplyDeleteHad to look up the ticket prices. $150 per. Now that's funny.
ReplyDeleteIn Washington State the apples are red and ready for plucking. Lowry shows the state's conservatives are angry and ready for shucking. I used to live there, knew a ripe girl of 18 who was ready for college. Kurt Vonnegut's probably going to haunt me for that.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Washington State's such a conservative outpost. Especially the Grays Harbor area, which hasn't voted for a Republican since Herbert Hoover. I guess I can see the logic-if you're a Republican who lives there, you're probably so desperate for companionship that you will actually pay money to hear Roger L. Simon talk about his career.
ReplyDeleteCircus of the Stars? I think Battle of the Network Stars also had plenty of opportunities for vengeance.
ReplyDelete"And people like me need the support of people like you more than you know."
ReplyDeleteThis is condescension of a particularly splendid kind--as is "this marvelous state! How DO you people do it? Oh, never mind. I must--for my sins--return to Los Angeles and endure its perfect weather--SO predictable; SO boring--and its occasionally acceptable Mexican-fusion food." More proof, as if any were needed, that when a liberal turns conservative, he wants to be applauded both for his sophistication AND his "brave" decision to pander to people whom any sensible observer would agree he has the right to disdain.
Jeez, Roger, it was just show biz. It abuses EVERYBODY. Stop SULKING.
From what I know of it from my East Coast liberal enclave, it's not exactly a bastion of free-marketeering and zero government services. And it's gone way further in advancing the Gay Agenda than Ca.
ReplyDeleteY'know, this obsession with controlling the popular culture is downright Politburo-ish. Simon and his cohort would like us to believe that they've been completely shut out, and yet, he still works in Hollywood, Fox News dominates in the superpatriot market, and, well, shit, they've got a lot of reality tv, the Military Channel, no small number of television series that are outright authoritarian propaganda, not to mention WWE.
ReplyDeleteM'self, I think all this whinging and whining is because they haven't been able to extinguish everything that could be vaguely called "liberal" (even by today's pretty loose definition of the term). And as long as there's even one rich person in Hollywood giving money to Democrats, Roger will be singing, off-key and against the beat, "poor, poor pitiful me."
Speaking of which, since I live in L.A. but spend a lot of time in this state, I’ve always been perplexed why everything seems to work better up here…
ReplyDeletePlease ignore all of those stupid ballot initiatives and propositions we put up to gum up the works.
And if we tell those architects to maybe not put all the plumbing on the outside, we expect them to blow up the entire building, Because fuck us , they're artists.
ReplyDelete"You know Schwarzenegger, yes? You find out how he become big star with such big accent. Comes the revolution you can be commissar of Hollywood. Also of my ass. You like? I was gymnast."
ReplyDeleteGood gravy, man, post a "do not ingest liquids while reading" warning next time... it was a close call, a real close call.
And thus begins the grift... always the grift.
ReplyDeleteGood heavens, that will be 20 Friedman units.
ReplyDeleteThey spent 10 years trying to find a new role model, flirted with Militant Islamic terrorism for a while, but the Christian variety just doesn't have the same cache
ReplyDeleteAh yes, "fatwah envy"...
Mamet's next play is going to be written in Newspeak.
ReplyDeleteAh, the Bauhaus Bunker Builders.
ReplyDeleteDamn, I wish Nathanael West was still around.
Do you think for one minute that Simon would be caught dead in Topeka or Branson?
ReplyDeleteGotta blow smoke up the rubes' asses before you make your big pitch.
ReplyDeleteWhen you don't have good ideas, you need good propaganda.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I grok Simon's argument. Is is something like, "liberals build good things that work, so let's steal their stuff and make conservative things, because liberalism is a FAIL (even though they make good things that work)?
ReplyDeleteBeing at one of theses conservative circle-jerks must be like a bizarro-world AA meeting, where the alcoholics get together to drink and brag about how they used to be "so fucking sober that I not only remembered our anniversary, I actually bought my wife flowers and wrote love poems." shudder "Can you believe it?! Toss me another beer, Rog. I'm starting to feel clearheaded."
ReplyDelete...a subset of totalitarian envy
ReplyDelete"Not only was I not tempted, I was terrified."
ReplyDeleteOh, fer chrissake, Roger, even Rocky and Bullwinkle knew how to handle these guys, though I'll grant you, Natasha Fatale CAN be sort of intimidating. Of course, that was the younger, more callow Roger talking. The noirish Konservative Kulture Warrior Roger of today, the one who has seen... and done... things that would curl the hair of his audience if only they knew, would have been able to turn that female reporter to the conservative cause so fast that she'd be exclaiming "I used to be Soviet agent, but thanks to O.J. trial, I'm outraged by Obamacare" and clicking on the PJMedia Paypal button before she knew what hit her.
Poor Roger... he never got a smile out of Richard Pryor, all he got was "Yo, Honky, get me some more motherfucking iced tea!" And don't even get Roger started on Woody Allen... that man has NO sense of humor! Why, Roger finally had to resort to a dirty joke to get a smile out of him. Can you IMAGINE?
ReplyDeleteAn attempt was even made, at hotel in Yalta, to draft me into Soviet intelligence by a female reporter from Soviet Screen magazine. Not only was I not tempted, I was terrified.
ReplyDelete"Of all the bathrooms in all the hotels in this town, she had to walk into mine."
And come on. Seriously. Yalta? The same place FDR "surrendered" to Stalin? That Yalta? Just a little bit of red meat for the suckers coincidence, no? You'd think a screenwriter could come up with something original by now.
So I get off the boat, just for sick kicks, and sandwiched in between his disillusionment with the comrades and 9/11, there's the part of his conservative conversion when he realizes that the system is rigged so that even washed-up celebrities like Robert Blake can get away with murder. Kidding! It's that the O.J. case proves that there's two systems of justice in this country, one for the rich and one for the poor. Kidding again! It's OJ, but it's really about this:
ReplyDeleteI had been a civil rights worker in the South in the sixties and was
appalled to see racism turned on its head with obvious DNA evidence
disdained. In this one case at least, the blacks were worse than the
whites. The great lie of political correctness stalked the land and I
was just beginning to see it, even though I didn’t want to. Change, as I
said, is hard.
But not giving a shit is easy! And he wondered earlier why Richard Pryor wasn't putting on a little show for him.
As always, it's better in the original German.
ReplyDeleteTo the conservative mind, "culture" is somehow centrally planned and foisted on the populace. It's part of the conservative thought process that has them thinking that it's not their policies and candidates that are rejected at the polls, but that their message isn't crafted well enough. If they could only think of a hook, like a good pop song, people would flock to their side.
ReplyDeleteNo, that's fucking hilarious. I mean, what do you think Mr. Simon is going to do with the proceeds? Buy a spare AR-15?
ReplyDeleteI am going to be devoting more of my time to that in the future,
ReplyDeleteputting some of the skills I learned as a liberal to work as a
conservative...
Take it away, Flounder.
~
And when you don't have good propaganda, fire teachers.
ReplyDeleteNot any of the things he's asking them to fund, obviously. $150 to listen to him beg for monetary support... that wasn't a speech, it was a pay-per-view infomercial.
ReplyDeleteConservative "humor" is really tragic.
ReplyDeleteTry the veal...just to piss off PETA!
[big laugh; thunderous applause]
I expect he'll be using fingerpaint by 2016.
ReplyDeleteGee, Rog, maybe a lot of black people thought the LAPD might be framing OJ because the LAPD has had a history of, guess what, framing people.
ReplyDeleteTo an authoritarian, any amount of dissent is too much.
ReplyDeleteHey, that's not a clip from Finding Nemo!
ReplyDeleteYou'd think a screenwriter could come up with something original by now.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, a 27th remake of the fourth sequel of a movie about screenwriter originality is being made right now.
Every time I read Roger, I can't help thinking of him as the conservative version of Tom Tuttle from Tacoma Washington (can't do link, but worth Googling), as in "I used to be a Liberal, but now they'll get nothing from me but my scorn!"
ReplyDeleteThanks conservativism. You continue to derail my efforts to kick drinking!
ReplyDelete"And people like me need the support of people like you more than you know."
ReplyDeleteHint hint [holds out hand].
(Real subtle, guy. Real subtle.)
The number of people who can't connect the dots between the (initial) acquittal of the Rodney King-beating cops and the OJ trial never fails to astonish me.
ReplyDeleteI got off the boat. Shorter Moses Whine: liberalism made me the success I am today, and I'm here to tell you that it's bullshit.
ReplyDeleteHard not to say there's some logic there.
Only because the conversation wasn't given in full, though I bet it would have been a lot more interesting.
ReplyDelete"Hallo, I am hot enemy spy, like in James Bond. I am happy this is story in which I do not have to drive cab like class brother in capitalist oppressor gray lady newspaper. You seem terrified. That is mistake. I am sexy spy and not scary one. This is new-model revolutionary Soviet plumbing. You like?"
Does anyone go to Yalta? I mean...Yalta? Was he on a cheese eating surrender monkey post war nostalgia trip?
ReplyDeleteI know this is kind of basic and non-witty, but if he finds Washington so much better run, taxed, infrastructured, and demographed, why does he still live and work in LA?
ReplyDeleteI don't suppose it's occurred to him that one reason CA has a high income tax is that property taxes have been throttled for decades, thanks to assholes like him.
ReplyDeleteOver 50,000 screenplays written every year, of which only a handful make it through development. It's so charming that 'wingers think that all they have to do is exert themselves like a morbidly-obese man on the toilet and movie sucess will just flow right out. Because flightly studio executives want to do nothing more than spend millions making movies with messages of "Anybody with a different worldview than old, rightwing, white men are moochers and losers."
ReplyDeleteSo, wait, Rog's writing ability came from GOD HIMSELF, and the most he has to show for it is "Bustin' Loose"? If I was God, I'd ask for my miracle back.
ReplyDeleteSouth-facing beaches in a northern climate. Oh you bet people go.
ReplyDeleteIn the 19th century Yalta was a popular resort (at least two of Chekhov's best short stories are set in Black Sea resorts), because it has (and there's not a lot of this in Russia) a sort of Mediterranean climate in the summer, and I'm sure it persisted as a resort during the Soviet era. The Soviets seem to have been good about preserving those pleasures and comforts. It's the sort of place where high-level bureaucrats would have conferences, or, post-glasnost, business associations, sales conferences, large-scale corporate funzies, etc.. This may not explain what took Roger Simon there in this particular instance, but it's not that far off. The spy story still sounds doubtful, though: what use would he be to anybody?
Not to spoil a good line, but if anyone's actually interested:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.wga.org/subpage_writersresources.aspx?id=171
"We will start building our new audience"
ReplyDeleteRobot audiences! That's genius Jay B.
Shorter Republican Brain Trust: The election needed more cowbell.
ReplyDeleteMany people in Washington would vote to raise taxes ifthe revenue went towards erecting an electrified fence to keep people from California out.
ReplyDeletePeople here sometimes refer to themselves as "mossbacks." A mossback is someone who has lived in Washington at least 15 minutes longer than you have.
I would like to take this comment to live in LA and start a people's theatre with it until a rich socialite lures me away to work in advertising
ReplyDeleteAt the rate he's going he'll be using his own shit, like the father in The Savages.
ReplyDeleteDamn you kia! What a thing to know!
ReplyDeleteIt's one that he wrote and sold back when he was still liberal that finally got picked up and produced. To his credit, he did some press rounds for it provided people would only ask about the movie and NOT PJM.
ReplyDeleteHey, I like Bustin' Loose.
ReplyDelete"Dear Penthouse Forum,
ReplyDeleteI never thought this would happen to me. Especially not while socialism was still plaguing this beloved land of ours..."
$50 to get in, $100 to get out.
ReplyDeleteAppalled to see racism turned on its head, Roger vowed to help it get back on its feet.
ReplyDeleteM'self, I think all this whinging and whining is because they haven't been able to extinguish everything that could be vaguely called "liberal" (even by today's pretty loose definition of the term).
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that this is correct; a fundamental tenet of wingnut "philosophy." Liberalism, in all its many forms, is tolerant, if not indulgent, of diversity in the understanding that diversity of thought is the strength of adaptability to ever-changing social and environmental conditions. The human talent for improvising solutions to common threats is dependent on multilateral thinking.
Conservatives, including the deranged wingnut flavor, are all about approaching this challenge by arranging society in a hierarchical pyramid to their liking, and then locking everything in concrete for all eternity--basically daring the fucking universe to just try and change motherfucker, we'll shoot you down, WOLVERINES.
In spite of the fact that the conservative approach has never, ever, worked for very long, they keep on trying it. I think somebody kinda smart once said something about trying failure over and over hoping for success.
And they are whiter than white up there!
ReplyDelete