Do these guys even know any normal people?
Saturday, October 27, 2012
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO WINGNUTS. The lights were off at the National Review offices, and Jason Lee Steorts was having a long dark night of the soulless rightwing apparatchik. Just as he was digging the sharp spear of his Bic pen cap into his thigh to chase unbidden thoughts of Katy Perry in a ballot dress, Steorts was suddenly seized with an epiphany and, in a fevered ecstasy (or an ecstatic fever, whichever is less sexual), composed this:
Do these guys even know any normal people?
Do these guys even know any normal people?
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Must not... get out.... of boat....
ReplyDeleteFor I am the L-rd your G-d, and I am just f-cking with you.
ReplyDeleteShockingly sane, believe it or not. Most of the mangoes aren't past
ReplyDeletetheir sell-by date. "Huh. That's a bit creepy." Another pointing out
that this response is a non-starter for non-theocrats. And another
pointing out that by this dadaist illogic, preventing rape is wrong.
When even NRO commenters think you're stupid, authoritarian and creepy... Oh, who am I kidding? We'll never hit peak wingnut.
For Barack Obama And His Critics
ReplyDelete"Mitt Romney should never be President because of his unspoken man-lust for Vladimir Putin will lead him to sell Alaska off in exchange for hot butt-sechs."
- George W Bush
Refute my quotation marks wingnuts!
Once again, God sounds like his real name is Irving and he lives in Boca Raton: "What? So I should have formed you somewhere else maybe?"
ReplyDeleteGotta give Jason Lee props for tryin' but he's no Lil' Markie.
Objection. Assumes deities not in evidence.
ReplyDeleteAny day now, Steorts will reach the blessed state of aphasia.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I think I speak for everyone when I say: WTF?!?!?
ReplyDeleteI get the Biblical reference, but wtf is Steorts really saying? Abortion must be outlawed, because otherwise the liberal slut that God chooses to be the new Mary might abort Jesus II? (Electric Bugaloo) God will use a rapist to work his will... and be the stand-in father for Jesus II? (Electric Church Pew) For the love of God, Buddha and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, make it stop!!!
This little ditty of Steorts' sounds suspiciously like glue-sniffing was involved.
ReplyDeleteBut, in fact, Steorts' is either stealing from or riffing on The Crunchy Con, who referenced the same line from Jeremiah 1:5 last July to claim that the survival of one of the victims of the Batman movie shooting was divinely planned from conception.
I think we have a dire shortage of rubber rooms in this country.
Not enough rubber hoses, either.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that Steorts thinks that in the womb is goddy and stuff. That the fetus is close to god and can talk to her. But it seems that there's not much to talk about "What you?" "What me?" is about as scintillating as it gets.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly I can have the same conversation with my son when I say "Let's go for a walk, son".
well one of the commenters (a certain BCSwowbagger) is suggesting that NRO hire a staff poet. He also seems particularly keen on Jonah writing limericks about the election.
ReplyDeletePoe's law people, Poe's law.
Not being a theologian, an obstetrician, or a Republican, I'm having a little trouble following the "argument," if that's the right word. The asterisk represents...what? Who is saying "What you? What me?" Is it God, or the talking embryo? English majors? Help me out here. I'm going to read some poetry that makes some sense. (Picks up "The Cat in the Hat" translated into Chamicuro.
ReplyDeleteThe sound of a man desperately trying to account for his sperm?
ReplyDeleteThat is just indescribably bad.
ReplyDeleteNo, they don't know any normal people. And what's really frightening is that, according to the polls, at least half of our voting countrymen think Romney is worth voting for.
I think the elided part goes like this:
ReplyDelete"Who's on fallopian, What's in the womb, and I Don't Know is through the vagina."
"That's what I want to find out. I mean the fetus' name. Are you God?"
"Yes."
"And you don't know the fetus' names?"
"Well I should."
"Then who's on fallopian?"
"Yes"
"I mean the fetus' name."
"Who."
"The fetus on fallopian."
"Who."...
This must be what getting high on bath salts is like.
ReplyDeleteApparently 7:40 pm is a bit past his bedtime. Give the boy some warm milk.
ReplyDelete"What you? What me?"
ReplyDelete"What, Me worry?"
FTFY.
"So, wait, God, how come I just passed right through the uterus without implanting? WTF, dude?"
ReplyDelete"Yeah, I knew that would happen. Buh-bye."
Yet that same book says that the punishment for causing a miscarriage in another man's wife is a fine. Paid to the man, of course.
ReplyDeleteOh, and thanks for the link to Katy Perry.
ReplyDeleteDo you know who else never thought there would be peak wingnut? The average 1930's German, that's who.
ReplyDeleteWhy won't Romney release his Putin buttsex transcripts?
ReplyDeleteDuh, the "snowflake baby"s born on third base.
ReplyDeleteBut what about Aikin?
Oh, he's our ball boy.
Waiting for Zygote
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna say this: I have a certain respect for people who take the hard-line, no-exception stance on abortion because they truly believe abortion is murder, and don't water it down. They know what the implications are, they've thought through it, and they are not only aware that this causes suffering in others, they're willing to acknowledge that that is one of the consequences.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with them for one minute, mind, but I can respect that they have a point of view they're defending.
However, this group does not include the kind of "God's gift" crowd that K. Lo. and Steorts and Mourdock seem to belong to, nor does it include the crowd that privately wants to ban all abortion but mouths exceptions because the wishy-washy swing voters don't have the courage to shit or get off the pot on the issue and take the position that any abortion that benefits them personally is fine, but the rest of those sluts are abusing the privilege.
Rape Babbies 4 Jesus!
ReplyDelete~
"Eggman, is that you? It's me, Walrus."
ReplyDelete"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together."
Waiting for Go-duh.
ReplyDelete"C'mon, Lord. I make like a million and half of the little wrigglers like, every night. They must be worth something."
ReplyDeleteWow, Steorts's defense is even more stoned than Richard Mourdock's ("What me? Ohhh, man"). Do Republicans take such a hard line on pot and other hallucinatory drugs because they don't need them because life is always like that for them?
ReplyDeleteJust asking.
I don't know how people have the fortitude to stick around there for the long troll. But I'm glad someone's doing it. (claps and cheers for BCSwowbagger)
ReplyDeleteWhere do think he's hiding his tax returns?
ReplyDeleteThis is one of those times when the society depicted in Brave New World seems almost preferable.
ReplyDelete"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew--"
"Womb? Eww! I was decanted like normal people."
"Decanted? What the--damn, hold on, I think I've got this but I've never even opened that section of the binder. 'Half a gram and you don't give a damn'--no, that's not right..."
"Is that you, Ford?"
Bullshit. Holding a view that OTHER PEOPLE should have to suffer and/or die so that one's own fee-fees about an imaginary friend aren't agitated is garbage. When one of these dudes (and they're almost always dudes) can get pregnant, then they can have a microscopic particle of respect.
ReplyDeleteThirteen Ways of Looking at a Fetus
ReplyDeleteWith my sincerest apologies to Wallace Stevens
I
Among twenty slutty uteri,
The only moving thing
Was the eye of the fetus.
II
I was of three minds,
Like a uterus
In which there are three fetuses.
III
The fetus whirled in the amniotic fluid.
It was a small part of the pantomime.
IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a fetus
Are one.
V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The fetus being conceived
Or just after.
VI
Icicles filled the long window
With barbaric glass.
The shadow of the fetus
Crossed it, to and fro.
The mood
Traced in the shadow
An indecipherable cause.
VII
O thin men of Haddam,
Why do you imagine legal abortions?
Do you not see how the fetus
Walks around the feet
Of the women about you?
VIII
I know noble accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms;
But I know, too,
That the fetus is involved
In what I know.
IX
When the fetus flew out of sight of the vaginal wand,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.
X
At the sight of fetuses
Floating in the green ultrasound light,
Even the bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.
XI
He rode over Connecticut
In a glass coach.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook
The shadow of his equipage
For a fetus.
XII
The river is moving.
The fetus must be turning.
XIII
It was evening all afternoon.
It was snowing
And it was going to snow.
The fetus sat
In the rape victims's womb.
Ectopic pregnancies are all part of God's Perfect Plan.
ReplyDeleteOr rubber dresses.
ReplyDeleteI have insisted as being your equal or better
ReplyDeletethe entity
that was in
your womb
and which
you might not
have wanted there
but who cares what you think?
Forgive me
the reasoning was from first, {infant damnation}-quality, principles
but so sweet
and so rational
Rape
ReplyDeleteWell, gosh, Matt, thanks so much for mansplaining abortion to me! My tiny ladybrain would never have grasped that men can't get pregnant, or that I might have some kind of stake in this whole business.
ReplyDeleteThe people I'm talking about are a tiny group; and their belief is that abortion is truly murder, and therefore the suffering of women does not outweigh the harm caused by murder. These people are also against the death penalty, because again: murder.
Like I said, I don't agree with them. The respect I have for them is for consistency and a willingness to acknowledge the consequences of their position.
As you might imagine, this group does not include the mushy middle whose primary motivation for opposing abortion is that sluts need to be punished. Those are the people for whom I have no respect at all; those are the people who think that restriction after restriction soothes their consciences because it makes it harder for women to sportfuck scot-free. These are the people who are responsible for chipping away at our rights -- my rights, dearest, not, if your screen name tracks with your gender, yours -- and they include so-called supporters of choice who go ahead and vote for parental notifications and waiting periods and bullshit licensing restrictions because the rubes have trouble with the idea of giving women freedom to make a choice they don't like without making that choice painful. These people never acknowledge the pain and humiliation and difficulty they cause real live human beings. But they sure do sleep soundly knowing that those slutty girls have to feel their pimp hand before they get an abortion.
> 'Before I formed you in the womb.'
ReplyDelete...indicating that at some point there is no-one in the womb, and so abortion were no problem up to that point.
Note also that in the creation myth to which Mr Steorts, I'd guess, holds to some extent or another, Adam were formed of his namesake dirt (or red clay) by God, but did not attain human status until the LORD gave him the Kiss of Life...this is why my mother's (pre-{Vatican II}) Catholic neighbours tended to pass their confinement at Long Island Jewish Hospital...taking the risk of their dangerous fœtus' eternal damnation less seriously than the possibility of their death's being countenanced in order to allow the fœtus to be born and baptised.
Waiting until someone has breathed before declaring them human beings (except for certain specific purposes, e.g. if your son doesn't live thirty days you can at that point still die without having produced an heir, and your brother still liable to impregnate and support your widow [unless she spits on his shoes]) also has the advantage of selecting for viability.
(Note: Orthodox law prevents abortion except when the life of the mother would be lost, in which case it were mandatory, or [depending on opinion] the mother's health or sanity were at stake. Destroying a fœtus, though, is _not_ murder in this legal system, but a separate crime subject to fine and, I believe in former times, whipping.)
I have eaten
ReplyDeletethe fetus
that was in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cold
This blog gets the best fetus poetry.
ReplyDeletebefore i formed you in the womb i knew you.
ReplyDeletebut why did you form me here?
where else would i have formed you?
when else would you have known me?
what you? what me?
some will win, some will lose
some are born to sing the blues
oh the movie never ends
it goes on and on and on and on
strangers...waiting...walking down the boulevard...
Thanks. We are not as well known as the Beat Off poets at the National Review, but we try ;-)
ReplyDeleteComing out in bookform for Christmas "Shills of Grey"
ReplyDeleteAre you there, God? It's me, Morula.
ReplyDeleteNuce! Funny enough, I just performed the original this morning, and will be doing it again tonight...
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me as if this group of principled people includes this one guy and this one other guy, maybe. I'll agree that their unlike all the other anti-abortion people, their stance is at least notionally defensible, but this seems to me to be mainly a theoretical question.
ReplyDeleteSo, to recap: Rosemary's Baby? Totally God's intention!
ReplyDeleteI agree, there are probably not many of these people out there, for which we should be grateful. Because if you really believe that abortion is murder, literally murder, and not in an "every seed is precious except when it's implanted in my teenage daughter" way, you'll be trying to prevent this murder in any way you can, possibly up to and including killing doctors and bombing clinics. There are a few of these people around but I can't say I find their stance defensible.
ReplyDeleteAlthough another commenter does limit his support for abortion to when the mother's life is "truly endangered" ,,, as opposed to just endangered, I guess.
ReplyDeleteEr, excuse me, Jason and all other theocratic wingnuts invoking "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (NKJV). Are any of you actually the foreordained-before-conception prophet Jeremiah? No? Then shut the fuck up.
ReplyDeleteUh, zuzu, I could appreciate where you were coming from with most of this, but at the risk of indulging in Talibansplaining, let me just say that I have encountered a number of "no exceptions" anti-choicers, and virtually all of them** are pro-death penalty. They also cheer on unjust wars of choice, talk up genocide for all Muslims, are vigorous NRA supporters, and want to gut SNAP, WIC and Head Start. So I can't give my cohort as much credit for consistency, since they still fall way, way short.
ReplyDelete**Unsurprisingly, the apparent holdout was a nun.
As I said, it's a tiny group. Which does include some nuns.
ReplyDeleteThe implication is, of course, that when abortion on demand has been outlawed women will lie about whether their lives are endangered and so will their doctors. Because a) women lie about shit all the time and b) its going to be just like student deferments in Vietnam with women playing the role of hippy students and doctors playing the imaginary role of sympathetic left wing professors handing out passing grades.
ReplyDeleteWell duh. Don't you know all those sluts are just pretending to have cancer/ectopic pregnancies/eclampsia/whatever, all lies of liberal medicine, so they can get abortions?
ReplyDeleteThat's why G*D gave us Mason jars.
ReplyDeleteThey know what the implications are, they've thought through it
ReplyDeleteThe test of whether they've thought through all the implications is whether they believe in pursuing every delayed period in case it is a fertilised but non-implanted ovum, warranting a decent burial at best and a manslaughter prosecution at worst.
But we've got plenty of rubbers, so everybody calm down.
ReplyDeleteJohnny's in the uterus worried 'bout the medicine
ReplyDeleteGod's in the firmament cranky about the government
The doc in the white coat, hook out, struck off
Says he's got a bad cough, wants to get paid off
Look out kid
It's something mom did
God knows when and she's doing it again
A man by the name of Barack
ReplyDeleteSeems to me to be just a bit wack
His Marxist economy
Would be solved by Mitt Romeney
And I have to go walk the dog. Reader input on the last line is welcome. More later.
No doubt paid for by the government.
ReplyDeleteRighto, not for putting Mason in? I knew.
ReplyDelete"Embryonic cleavage" - unsexiest cleavage EVAR
ReplyDeleteThe best part of the NRO epigram is "What you? What me?" It's like a stoner spacing out while looking at the lines in his hand.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a fan of Ms. Perry's music, but I'd be happy to tick her box.
ReplyDeleteRepublicans need forced prostrate wand probing on a monthly basis.
ReplyDeleteTo quote the great intellectual Dot Warner, "I have no idea what that meant."
ReplyDeleteI tried to use that in an argument once. I was told I was taking it out of context and subsequently dismissed. I thought I was putting it IN context, but then again, back then I thought it was possible to persuade people.
ReplyDeleteLike I said above, the best. "Endometrium Homesick Blues"?
ReplyDeleteJeremiah was a bullfrog.
ReplyDelete~
If your philosophy has backed you into such a corner that you can justify rape, it might be time to reassess some of your base assumptions.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, that's largely why I get so outraged by wingnuts' out-of-context quoting: he was a good friend of mine.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised you can tell they're quoting out of context. I never understood a single word he said.
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