BIBLE BEATOFFS.

The saga of Kim Davis, bigot-martyr, and her pig-eyed enablers has ascended into legend:

Of the two presidential contenders who attended the rally, it was Mr. Huckabee, making his second White House run, who grabbed the political spotlight. Before Ms. Davis appeared, Mr. Huckabee and Mr. Staver took the stage to tell the crowd, in unison, “Kim Davis is free.” 

When Mr. Cruz, who met with Ms. Davis, exited the Carter County Detention Center, a throng of journalists beckoned him toward their microphones, but an aide to Mr. Huckabee blocked the path of the senator, who appeared incredulous.

I'll bet he did! This is such ripe hillbilly Gothic it makes A Face in the Crowd look like Barchester Towers.

Anyway, Davis and her Liberty Counsel lawyers remain belligerent, which promises an interesting first day back at work for Davis as her deputy who's been issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples says he'll go on doing it no matter how hard Davis tries to holy-roll him.

Meanwhile it's not just crackpot Republican candidates who think the law should bow to Goodwife Davis -- here's David French, writer for the once-reputable National Review:

Had her stand happened a few short centuries ago, Huckabee and Cruz would likely have been joined by a few notable figures from Christian history — men like Martin Luther, John Calvin, and John Knox — the men who first put the “protest” in “Protestant"... 

When rulers defy God, they lose their God-ordained authority. When rulers require lesser authorities to cooperate in and facilitate evil, the lesser authorities must resist... 

...to put things more bluntly, Justice Kennedy can purport to change the Constitution, but he can’t transform Christian conviction. Unless his social-justice church grows more tolerant, the Kim Davis case is a harbinger of more conflict to come. We Protestants are simply returning to our roots.

One imagines French running amok in  sackcloth, crying HELTER JESUS! SHE'S COMING DOWN FAST! and looking for some homosexuals to pummel with slurs in hopes of being arrested by the Pinkshirts, thus hastening the "conflict" that will bring the New Reformation.

Between this and Trump it's been a great pre-pre-pre-election. I wonder what these clowns will come up with after Opening Day? I predict the new litmus test will be that every GOP candidate has to do an abortion clinic bombing.

STOP THE PRESSES.

I haven't said anything about the douchebags who've already declared because a.) the prospect of a Ted Cruz presidency fills me with dread, not humor; it's like, "Haw, Hitler is 30 miles outside Paris!" b.) Even if she wins 50 states the Hitlery Klintoon candidacy will never be anything but sad to me -- sad in the way Robert Downey Jr. doing one more fucking Avengers movie is sad, and of course sad for the nation, but mostly sad because there cannot possibly be anything human about it -- even if she were suddenly struck with enlightenment or the seventh degree of concentration, even if she became luminous with self-knowledge, her campaign of necessity would be this big lumbering thing that demands attention for burritos (and gets it mainly from agents of arghblargh). Plus I may have to vote for her. c.) C'mon, Rubio's not old enough to run for President!

But this Pataki announcement blows the game wide open. Wait'll the kids get a load of the Pride of Peekskill! He's lawn-order, and he knows the rent is too damn low! He's every awful thing they want without the distracting layers of marketing that make the real candidates so extra loathsome.