Those lovable characters in the sitcoms are robustly healthy and affluent, cuddly folks who never even hint at any of the negative consequences that follow on a lifetime of practicing anal intercourse. Nobody wears Depends, nobody deals with feces-borne diseases, and the devastation of AIDS is left for a few feature films that generate sympathy for the victims without addressing the behavioral component of the disease vector.Colon obviously missed that very special Will & Grace episode, "Giardia is Not a River in Italy." Colon does approve of gay Catholics who do not have anal intercourse, and hopes a book her friend is writing about them "may enlighten others and be helpful to Catholic gays as Bill W's book was for alcoholics."
It's almost charming that such people still exist; they're like bigot Shakers. I wonder if they ever perceive the irony of the likelihood that the carriers of the Gay Plague will outlast them.
Wait.
ReplyDeleteHer name is... Colon? Do I have that right?
Nobody wears Depends, nobody deals with feces-borne diseases, and the devastation of AIDS is left for a few feature films
ReplyDeleteIndeed, no great sitcom is without all of these things. Let me tell you what comedy is: it's feces-borne diseases plus time.
I was going to ask if she's ever known straight couples who enjoy playing the back nine, but I'm going to guess "no".
ReplyDeleteIf they're like her, wouldn't they have to remove the stick, first?
ReplyDeleteDo straight folks try and picture how every couple they see would look having sex, and hat kind of sex they might have, or only gay couples? Because there seems to be a variety of conservative that is very obsessed with the minutiae of gay sex.
ReplyDeleteApparently that first innocent google search of her own name scarred her for life.
ReplyDeleteColon does approve of gay Catholics who do not have anal intercourse
ReplyDeleteNot lay Catholics, then.
Damn near killed 'er!
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think of this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvUA90OLgaE
It's extra special the way they show a big turd moving through the intestines.
Indeed. She's already called her attorneys, Roper & Bender...
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's kind of amazing what these people come up with sometimes. I would have never conceived of "What about the tradition of kitchen-sink realism in American sitcoms? Now it's ruined!" as an argument against anal sex. Say what you will, it takes work to be this stupid.
ReplyDeleteIt's all fun and games until someone gets a feces-borne disease.
ReplyDeleteIt's almost charming that such people still exist
ReplyDeleteNo. No it it isn't. The very last of them might be charming. In retrospect.
As documented earlier, even Jonah Goldberg is starting to sense, in his own special way, that straight-up homophobia may not be a winner for much longer: http://alicublog.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-stupidest-thing-ever-written-until.html
ReplyDeleteYou're less evolved than Jonah Goldberg, Alicia. How did you do that?
Over the next 5-10 years, I'll enjoy watching the leading lights of conservative thought boldly announce that, after considering it deeply and weighing the costs and benefits, they have decided that, actually, those gay people aren't so bad, you know? Yes, it's a bold statement, but they're willing to make it. Aren't they so brave? It's only been a decade or two since everyone else realized it. They're like the Hiroo Onodas of buttsex.
Someone should set A. Colon up on a date with A. Dick and watch the magic happen: http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/26031.html
ReplyDeleteI"m thinking it might be fun to spend some time at CVS, wait until I see someone pick up a package of Depends, and shout "Sodomite!"
ReplyDeleteDid you see that list of ingredients? Garlic, cayenne. I'm going to try this out with pasta.
ReplyDeleteShe's tired of taking it lying down.
ReplyDeleteYes, well, she's prone to be.
Well, you have your basic Conservative, who is obsessed with other people's sexytime in a general, more or less heterosexual way. Sort of Groinecologists. Then there are the specialists. Some of these Gaynecologists like to analyse, if you will, the whole gaiisex issue. Others only give it lip service...
ReplyDeleteThey can still kneel and pray, though...
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think of THIS:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EYW46cAGrY
I have to say that seldom do we here in the antipodes ask each other "How much fecal weight are you carrying". I expect that this is one of the reasons for our decadence.
ReplyDeleteI've been saying for a while that in ten or so years the official line will be that it was Democrats who held up gay rights and equality for so long, just like it's generally accepted that it was hippies, not American Legion members, who spit on returning Vietnam veterans.
ReplyDeleteDo straight folks try and picture how every couple they see would look having sex, and hat kind of sex they might have
ReplyDeleteIs it OK to imagine every couple in an intense B-&-D scenario? Asking for a friend.
To the dismay of some on the left.
ReplyDeleteYou know how when you're taking a test and there's a question whose answer is so simple and obvious that you begin to sense a trick because no way could the answer be this easy? That's sort of how I feel about the reaction formation signals this essay is emitting.
ReplyDeleteThose lovable characters in the sitcoms are robustly healthy and affluent, cuddly folks who never even hint at any of the negative consequences that follow on a lifetime of practicing anal intercourse.
ReplyDelete"I demand that TV show gay characters prance around gingerly and talk about how much their ass hurts! PS: I am not a crank."
The only reason I ever visualize people having sex anymore is for comedy.
ReplyDeleteShe just gave Seth MacFarlane just the angle he needed for another cartoon.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to try it as the morning salutation, though "gidday" still has the benefits of brevity.
ReplyDeleteAmerican conservatism is the history of Modern Art recapitulated. I think we're up to DaDa at the moment.
ReplyDeleteThat didn't work out so well for Oscar Wilde.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't slapstick count as an intense B-&-D scenario?
ReplyDeleteWould it be irresponsible to speculum? It would be irresponsible not to.
ReplyDeleteI think that last is pronounced doo-doo.
ReplyDeleteNow with the up-and-coming junior partner Phil McAvity
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget how the feminists sabotaged gender-equality.
ReplyDeleteShe's ready to make ANUSTART.
ReplyDeleteApparently, not only do these conservative writers not know any actual people, they also have never met any actual gay people.
ReplyDeleteDo they never leave their homes and apartments? Are they really such complete shut-ins? Or is their circle of friends as pinched and close-minded as they are?
Well, under Queensberry rules, one doesn't shout "Sodomite," one slaps the accused across the left cheek (of the face, of the face) with a Depends soiled by an aristocrat.
ReplyDeleteI'll never be able to watch The Three Stooges again without thinking of their bowel habits.
ReplyDeleteOnce they've been stuffed and mounted.
ReplyDeleteMaybe, maybe, and yes.
ReplyDeleteBut god only knows what fecal borne diseases would result from that.
ReplyDeleteI presume Ms. Colon's work is another GOP outreach effort - this one designed to bring gays who dislike anal sex into the GOP's big tent of voters.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't help but notice yesterday that Ben Shapiro is leading the GOP outreach effort with libertarians and seems to have picked up some devilishly good strategies from the leaders of the GOP outreach efforts with women, Latinos, and African Americans. Ms. Colon is probably being trained by the same strategists.
Like Shapiro, she seems to be building intellectual bridges between beloved American actors and GOP principles. Shapiro, in his outreach effort, writes that broken leftist culture killed Philip Seymour Hoffman and that this culture is fundamentally libertarian.
Some misguided pundits might think Shapiro means to praise leftist culture - however broken - by upgrading it to libertarianism, but nay, nay:
“Libertarianism becomes libertinism without a cultural force pushing back against the penchant for sin,” he writes, and “Hollywood has no such cultural force.”
Who could forget that Shapiro's blog father founded his empire with a site called Big Hollywood and went on to die in LA at an even younger age than Hoffman, another victim of broken leftist culture - and many years of cocaine and alcohol abuse? That, indeed, gives Shapiro weighty cred in speaking to libertarians, there is no doubt.
I hope you will join me in wishing him - and Ms. Colon - every success in addressing potential Republican voters who are libertarian, libertine, and/or gay. I also hope you will join me in encouraging the GOP to launch outreach efforts to older Americans, rural Americans, and wealthy Americans. Together, we can build a wonderful world.
Maybe if she changed her surname...
ReplyDeleteThey make condoms out of polyethylene now. Those little fuckers are tough.
ReplyDeleteWhoop-whoop-whoop-whoop!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wondered about Muppets? Sometimes I think there could be a blog in that...
ReplyDelete[Sex as a recreational activity] harms all people of all sexual orientations, denying them one of life's peak experiences in favor of frequent and mundane coupling and merely physiological orgasms.
ReplyDeleteOr, to quote from Toni Bentley's new one-woman play, The Surrender: "Anal sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
I would have uprated that just for "Groinecologists," but thank you for the ginzu knife set, too.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes wonder how anyone could listen to Republican nostrums (there are only a handful) and continue to think any of those proposed prescriptions could possibly be good on any level.
ReplyDeleteBut, then, I look at my two brother-in-laws who are both convinced that the road to prosperity is paved with tax cuts for the rich and tossing the poor onto bonfires, and I realize that they've become so invested in a fantasy construct of the world around them that they no longer perceive reality.
I'm stain' with the Loosner's Castor Oil Flakes, the all-weather breakfast.
ReplyDelete... the devastation of AIDS is left for a few feature films that generate sympathy for the victims without addressing the behavioral component of the disease vector.
ReplyDeleteSame thing with them negroes and their predisposition to syphilis-gettin'. Why, there ought to be a study.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tuskegee_syphilis_experiment
The last i read about it, there was speculation that HIV was introduced into humans via butchering of apes for food at logging camps in Africa run by French nationals for the capitalisms! I wonder if she's thought about the behavioral component of that shit.
Whenever they go to a dinner party, there's a liberal at the table. No wonder they stay home.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as a middle-aged fuddy-duddy with a bit of mileage on the relationship front, you would be so not astonished at the number of couples who don't discuss their sexual habits. Like, all of them, since they have neighbors, co-workers, and relations that share a Colon-minded need to judge others, find them lacking, and thus elevate themselves.
ReplyDeleteYes, but don't they always overmaster the liberal with rock-solid logic such as that displayed by Ms. Colon? With such consistent and easy victories, they should be flocking to dinner parties where liberals congregate!
ReplyDeleteIn that order?
ReplyDeleteI'm willing to bet that name will be headlining a Drag Bingo before long, or sharing the billing with Curtis E. Wipes.
ReplyDeleteAlternate title for Colon's piece: "Yech, Homo!"
ReplyDeleteThere's a feature-length film - Meet the Feebles directed by, of all people, Peter Jackson and at least partially funded by a grant from the NZ government.
ReplyDeleteShe's tired of having it shoved down her throat.
ReplyDeleteAnd one day, the line will be that conservatives TRIED to do something about climate change but those darn liberals just wouldn't cooperate.
ReplyDelete"I really like this Ano-Weet, it really unclogs me!"
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzXGhZebNOo
So my Cajun pal Boudreaux kept these two monkeys for pets. After many years of fun times on the bayou, they both passed. Boudreaux wanted to still keep 'em around so he went to Mr Trosclaire, the local taxidermist. Looking at the burlap sack holding the two little bodies , he asked Boudreaux "How do you want them mounted?" The reply - "Have 'em shakin' hands. They was jus' good friends."
ReplyDeleteHey, hey, hey, That's alcohol and alleged cocaine abuse to you mister!
ReplyDeleteAlternately: Icky homo!
ReplyDeleteThis will presumably be the last frantic plea of the hideously deformed descendants of David and Charles Koch on the day the last of the power to the electric fence guarding Koch Castle runs out, just before the Morlocks break in and eat them.
ReplyDeleteFree inside! The Pope!
ReplyDeleteOf course someone named "Colon" is a Certified Doctor of Buttsecksology. Would hate to see that thesis.
ReplyDeleteYes, I've thought of that every time the Colon Flow commercial has come on...even wondered if they hadn't picked the name because it rhymes with Colon Blow.
ReplyDeleteI think that Breitbart's rageaholism is beyond dispute. PSH left behind a body of really stunning and varied work that will serve as inspiration and instruction for future generations of actors; Breitbart left behind mostly a number of patches of drying flecks of spittle.
ReplyDeleteDelightful in a sandwich?
ReplyDeleteLesbian erasure: good enough for Queen Victoria, good enough for her.
ReplyDeleteProtip: if your sex life leaves you incontinent, you are most likely doing it wrong. If only there were some handy source of information on such a subject, which one could peruse for accurate yet confidential information.
ReplyDeleteAlso: zuzu!!!eleventy! Have I simply been extremely inattentive, or have you been absent from the alicublog commentariat for a while?
ReplyDeleteThesis? What, were all the ancient Greeks into anal?
ReplyDeleteIf meditating on other people having anal sex makes her sore, maybe she should ponder their blowjobs instead.
ReplyDeleteUp to you!
ReplyDeletethis is why mama's family is the greatest of all television sitcoms, and always will be.
ReplyDeleteSo she has no idea how pregnancy, labour, and passing a bowling ball tbeough your vajajay makes meaningless, non pricreative sex look like a damned good idea? Sorry i cant fix these typos on my phone.
ReplyDeleteShe gets all choked up.
ReplyDeleteno you didn't....
ReplyDeleteI think I remember that episode of Three's Company.
ReplyDeleteHelen: "Staaaaanley! Do you have the box of Depends?"
Stanley: "No, Helen. Jack took it." [makes "tinkerbell" hand motion]
[Norman Fell mugs for camera]
[laugh track]
That's not logic.
ReplyDeletemerely physiological orgasms.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, you're obviously doing something wrong.
Explanation: She and KLo are charter members of the Do As I Say, Not As I Don't Do Association.
ReplyDeleteColon does approve of gay Catholics who do not have anal intercourse
ReplyDeleteI'm so old, I remember the jokes about how the proscription of sex before marriage was, er, gotten around by Italian Catholic youth.
Conservatism is a feces borne disease.
ReplyDeleteYou said it. All they have to do is walk into a bar. You're halfway to comedy gold right there.
ReplyDeleteThesis, feces... it's all good something.
ReplyDeleteCholer in the Time of Cholera.
ReplyDeleteI presume Ms. Colon's work is another GOP outreach effort - this one designed to bring gays who dislike anal sex into the GOP's big tent of voters.
ReplyDeleteGays Against Yucky Sex
On the partner fast-track: Phil McCracken.
ReplyDeleteRomans, too. There's even an opera about it.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8q6B08_zss
“Libertarianism becomes libertinism without a cultural force pushing back against the penchant for sin,” he writes, and “Hollywood has no such cultural force.”
ReplyDeleteWest Virginia's chemical plants have no such cultural force.
But not mounted from behind!
ReplyDeleteI've heard about some pretty kinky fetishes in my time, but I try to keep an open mind. This is a step too far, though.
ReplyDeleteNeeds more Thibodeaux!
ReplyDeleteSomewhere K-Lo is wearing red duct tape across her mouth to speak up for the feces-unborne. She's saying, "Mmmf, phmm hmm mmmf nuh-uh."
ReplyDeleteIncest fetish? Kinky!
ReplyDeleteSHE: That's not my belly-button.
ReplyDeleteHE: You're telling me. And that's not my dick, FYI.
Relevant...
ReplyDeleteEven worse...Breitbart left behind Ben Shapiro, Dana Loesch, and Joel Pollak. Actually if you think about it, quite a fitting legacy for him.
ReplyDeleteC'mon, baby, I assure you--your orgasm isn't merely physiological!
ReplyDeleteI think we can safely assume K-Lo does as she say.
ReplyDeletesays, dammit
ReplyDeleteHence the popularity of mega-churches, an all-inclusive experience. The National Review cruise is superfluous; they are always on the Good Ship Lollypop.
ReplyDeleteI demand that all TV show characters prance around gingerly and talk about how much their ass hurts.
ReplyDeleteIt's odd that a conservative would be so concerned with fecal borne disease, seeing that they want to do away with government meat inspection.
ReplyDeleteYeah, why isn't there a gay version of that incredibly realistic TV show about childbirth, "Brothers and Fistulas"?
ReplyDeleteShip of Fools
ReplyDelete"lip service"
ReplyDeleteI see what you did there ...
Along with the paralegal team of William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliams
ReplyDeleteOn Ms. Colon's behalf may I inform you all that eating koch is quite all right - even if you're starring in Will & Morlock.
ReplyDeleteThen how will we be able to tell which ones are the teahadis?
ReplyDeleteThe ones with the muffled voices, from talking about how much their ass hurts while their head is stuffed up in there.
ReplyDeleteWell, mine arent.
ReplyDeleteSomebody really misses Gomer Piles, USMC.
ReplyDeleteI stoop to conquer.
ReplyDeleteAnd now we know how broken liberal culture killed Jim Henson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou know they did. "Hey yeah, Colon Blow, that fake SNL commercial with the guy that talks like Zapp Brannigan! Let's see, Colon Crow, nah, Colon Mow, nah...Colon Flow! We're golden!"
ReplyDeleteThat was the smaller monkey's name, BBBB.
ReplyDeleteA. Colon - Butt hurt over buttsecks by butt pirates.
ReplyDeleteThe jokes, they practically write themselves.
I'm that old too. "gay Catholics who do not have anal intercourse" kind of stuck out (sorry) at me. "But all you young ladies of Our Sister Of Perpetual Engorgement can still maintain your chastity in the traditional manner..."
ReplyDeleteNo, I've been absent for a while. I just about turn around and there are a squillion comments. It's also my busy season right now. Thanks for asking!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of when Gay Bowel Syndrome was the most-viewed page at Conservapedia.
ReplyDeleteAnd not Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus? I am disappointed.
ReplyDeleteAaaarghh! Avast ye swabbies. They're boardin' me poopdeck!
ReplyDelete2004? What 2004?
ReplyDeleteRum, sodomy, the lash, sodomy, and sodomy?
ReplyDeleteI think it'll be sooner than that, like when the Breitbartlings and their ilk are pressed into service stacking sandbags around Kennebunkport.
ReplyDeleteThey amount to about the same thing, IMO.
ReplyDeleteMere fart jokes just don't cut it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI am headed to my cabin, with celerity!
ReplyDelete"There's got to be a joke involving "feces borne again" in here somewhere..."
ReplyDeleteJust remember, we have strong principles about humor life here. If a joke is conceived, it deserves to be delivered, no matter how misbegotten or malformed!
I myself have adopted many special-needs jokes which other people are unable to care for.
Conservatism can be a thesis borne disease, too
ReplyDelete"Protip: if your sex life leaves you incontinent..."
ReplyDeleteNote to self: Avoid multiple and repeated childbirth with complications.
It's at least some consolation that we still have the French to blame--pretty sure they're the next thing up the list from the blahs and teh gheys.
ReplyDeleteNot clear whether the peak experience is celibacy or the mythical "real" orgasm that comes only from missionary position sex with no birth control. I'll save myself for the "frequent and mundane coupling" type. ;-)
ReplyDeleteSo, that's that Japanese fetish-porn involving young women and the insertion of assorted vegetables? Oh, you said celerity...
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget Ma Rainey's Moleskin Cookies! "Eat 'em -- wipe 'em off -- eat 'em again!"
ReplyDeleteHow can you say that when Jonah Goldberg is still emitting?
ReplyDeleteAnd Spam!
ReplyDeleteI have long predicted that the world's last litres of petrol will be used to burn the world's last climate scientists at the stake, for causing climate change.
ReplyDelete"You said sodomy twice."
ReplyDeleteCan someone go over there and post some links to some slash fiction for Colon to read? The more detailed, the better. Worst case scenario, she'll produce another column full of outraged word-vomit that we can laugh at; best case scenario, she'll become fascinated and we'll never hear from her again.
ReplyDeleteCelerity is another name for cilantro. As any fule know.
ReplyDeleteMore feature films addressing the behavioral component of the disease vector on HBO!
ReplyDeleteIt's OK to be a cafeteria Catholic as long as you stay away from the tossed salad.
ReplyDeleteIf she properly accented the 2nd "o" to indicate the actual pronunciation, it would just look too immigrant-y.
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, The Dukes of Hazzard nevr once discussed the life-devastating consequences of driving really fast on country dirt roads. Jumping your vintage Dodge over washed-out bridges can kill you and they DON'T EVEN MENTION THAT!
ReplyDeletethey're like bigot Shakers
ReplyDeleteMaking simple, functional, elegantly-joined torture racks.
Andy Bell is a lesbian?
ReplyDelete"I like sodomy."
ReplyDeleteThis comment leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
ReplyDeleteBelated, but relevant:
ReplyDeletehttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/19/Jubol.jpg/666px-Jubol.jpg
My French is a little rusty, but would "Regularise l'harmonie des formes" mean they promise you will produce the Platonic Idea of shit?
ReplyDeleteAnd you thought YOUR job was bad.
ReplyDelete