Here's a fine Christmas goose for us -- Aaron Goldstein at The American Spectator, whose holiday special is not a celebration of all that Christmas means and brings, but "WHY I PREFER TO SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS," which from its title would seem to be one of those "Why We Fight" essays about the way of life one seeks to preserve by combat, but is actually about Goldstein's sense of duty in the face of subtle but (to him) obvious persecution:
Now I have nothing against anyone saying Happy Holidays if they mean it from the bottom of their hearts...
Nevertheless, I do find that when people do say Merry Christmas they are far more circumspect about it. The greeting is accompanied by a qualifying statement. For instance, there is “Merry Christmas and whatever else you might celebrate,” or “Merry Christmas. I hope I didn’t offend you.” Something is terribly amiss when one feels self-conscious or is afraid of angering someone about conveying good wishes to a fellow human being.Maybe it's because I'm such a festive person that I light up everything around me, but I haven't had this trouble myself. I wonder where such an atmosphere of suspicion foments ... "Aaron Goldstein writes from Boston, Massachusetts." Well, haven't been there in a while, maybe it's greatly changed.
Also Goldstein went to a Unitarian Winter Solstice service and no one mentioned Jesus Seasonreason. Who knows what Goldstein was expecting from Unitarians anyway, but he gives his hosts a negative review:
What was also absent from this service was any kind of joy or warmth. I could not wait for the service to end.
Now I’m sure there were people who genuinely enjoyed that Winter Solstice service. That’s fine with me. Yet I cannot help but think that such a service is a by-product of an American and Western culture that has been increasingly critical of Christianity and consequently has been made to feel guilty about celebrating Christmas.Finally Goldstein found, in lieu of the traditional cab driver who agrees with conservative columnists, a UPS driver who not only wished Goldstein Merry Christmas, but even gave a little speech about it ("I know some people aren’t comfortable saying Merry Christmas. But it’s Christmas. I always say Merry Christmas. This is America. If I can’t say it here then where I can I say it?"). Eat your heart out, Tom Friedman!
And this is apparently what makes Christmas for him: Beachheads and bulwarks against imaginary hordes seeking to deprive him of something or other. Dear readers, of all my wishes for you, the dearest is that you never allow yourselves to become as miserable and paranoid as that. Gud jul!
And a great mid-winter festival to you as well, Roy!
ReplyDeleteDo conservative suffer from "daschund syndrome" wherein they feel persecuted at al times, yet find an odd comfort in that persecution? Wherein they're always the underdog even though they're the majority? Wherein their philosophy is all-powerful yet so easily destroyed by exposure to any other philosophy?
Something to ponder this yuletide.
"Aaron Goldstein writes from Boston, Massachusetts." Well, haven't been there in a while, maybe it's greatly changed.
ReplyDeleteIn his defense, there aren't too many Christians living in Boston.
Have yourselves a groovy little solstice, people.
ReplyDeleteMerry War On Christmas, everyone!
ReplyDeleteAs a New Englander to my nubs, I'd like to reach out to Aaron this Christmas Eve -- get bent, you freak. I'm sorry the fucking Unitarians, who've long fought against tedious and ostentatious showboat piety, didn't rise to your standards of raving, weeping Christianity, but then I've been to midnight mass too and the only warmth I've gotten from those is from the whiskey in my flask. Merry Christmas, nutjob.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone else, a very Happy Holy Days and Real Football Season from the bottom of my heart. You guys are collectively the funniest people I know and yell at all the right thjngs.
Better to reign in hell than enjoy heaven in the minority.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you think he expected from a Unitarian Solstice service? High church Episcopalian service?
ReplyDeletethanks roy. i'm going to miss you after you regenerate into peter capaldi tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery.
ReplyDeleteAlso Goldstein went to a Unitarian Winter Solstice service and no one mentioned Jesus Seasonreason. Who knows what Goldstein was expecting from Unitarians anyway, but he gives his hosts a negative review:
ReplyDeleteI once went to a kosher restaurant and was really pissed that they didn't serve bacon cheeseburgers.
"Now I have nothing against anyone saying Happy Holidays if they mean it from the bottom [sic] of their hearts..."
ReplyDeleteI think I see the way to a compromise here. Let's all agree that nobody should say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" unless they mean it from the bottoms of their hearts. You'd hear either of'em only about 100th as often was we do now and there would be a lot less to raise anybody's blood pressure.
God jul indeed! Watch out for the Julenissen!
ReplyDeleteThat was really whiny and stupid, but I really had my heart set on more spittle-producing rage this Kwanzaa.
ReplyDeleteWell, those clouds are genuinely awful.
ReplyDeleteI hope Black Santa brings us all red flannel pajamas for Festivus.
ReplyDeleteI went to one of those and they passed around a big goblet of wine. i had a bronchial infection and a lack of God, so i passed on it.
ReplyDeleteI wonder how many of those priests make it to New Years without being knocked on their ass with the flu.
As a Unitarian I'd like to point out we're not really a product of late American culture. We've certainly been around longer than Golstein and his 'conservative' ilk.
ReplyDelete"What was also absent from this service was any kind of joy or warmth. I could not wait for the service to end."
ReplyDeleteYes, it's nothing like the AME and COGIC churches he usually attends. No inspired gospel singing, tremendous choirs, fantastic instrumentalists, fervent preaching, spirit possession, talking in tongues, praise dancing, all the stuff he really likes at his Church.
In fact, I've really got to hand it to those Unitarians. Christianity has been around for about 1500 years, and until those stupid Unitarians came around everybody wanted church services to go on forever.
Oh gee, Goldstein finds people are now more circumspect about saying "merry Christmas". I don't suppose it crosses his persecution-beclouded mind that him and his fellow assclowns may have had a hand in that? Or that perhaps the reason why "American and western culture" "has been increasingly critical of Christianity" might also be due to a certain subset of God-botherers who use their religion as a cudgel to justify and enforce their hatred of people with the poor taste to not be just like them? Who find a whole lot more interest in a subset of Levitical rules than in their savior's message of love for all people?
ReplyDeleteSorry, it must be my impending exposure to my preachy Southern Baptist sister and my wingnut parents has me a little edgy. However, I did just read some happy news: the median age of the conservative Christian in the US is 53, and for liberal Christians it is 44, and only 17% of Millennials who have a religious identity call themselves conservative Christians. Demographic change could be thin reed to cling to, but this gives me hope. Happy Merry, folks!
Oh, BTYW Goldstein, was that n Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform Unitarian Church? Makes a big difference, you know.
ReplyDeleteDo I miss my guess, or was that a cryptic interchange?
ReplyDeleteThe real joy of this season is that by pushing this War on Christmas propaganda, they've managed to create one outright. I wish I was getting a quarter for all the people who've belligerently snarled "Merry Christmas!" at me and my Jewish husband, daring us to say something about it. Or the ones on Facebook predicting immient firing for the retail employee who wished them Merry Christmas. Or the ones who lectured my Jewish in-laws about how any cards that don't talk about Jesus get thrown in the trash at their house. In other words, the wingnuts have managed to turn a season of good will towards men into another occasion for pointless outrage and fist-shaking at imaginary power-mad minorities.
ReplyDeleteDo conservative suffer from "daschund syndrome" ...
ReplyDeleteNah, just dipsomania. Most of what is wrong with them is traceable to alchohol in one form or another. Most of what is right with us is traceable to pot.
There it is, deal with it.
Listen, I've had dogs all my life, and little ones, too. The worst of them, in the moments before they were put down for rabies and chronic biting, weren't as bad as a winger.
"I think I see the way to a compromise here. Let's all agree that nobody should say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" unless they mean it from the bottoms of their hearts."
ReplyDeleteSgt. Major Goldstein replies:
"Did ah hear yew say Merry Christmas, maggots? Say it again, and this time lemme hear yew MEAN it!"
Defense of Christmas recruits:
"Sir yes Sir... Merry Christmas, SIR!"
Goldstein:
Louder, ladies!! AH cain't HEAR yew!!!"
Recruits:
SIR MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR!!111!
If you joined the Dr. Who collective, you'd have no problem understanding it.
ReplyDelete" wish I was getting a quarter for all the people who've belligerently
ReplyDeletesnarled "Merry Christmas!" at me and my Jewish husband, daring us to say
something about it."
Just smile, wave and respond very cheerfully with the traditional holiday greeting: "Dershtikt zolstu veren!"
The Loogie of Christ?
ReplyDeleteKwanzaa runs from the 26th to the 1st. You can probably find some nice spittle-flecked rage* in the returns and exchange department. Lord knows the wingnuts aren't giving anything else out as presents this year.
ReplyDelete*Also: paranoia, bile, fear, racism, misogyny, theocratic impulses, homophobia, and a secret muslim. But I'm willing to bet you're already stocked up on those.
The humorless foot-stampers will always be with us.
ReplyDeleteSez Goldstein: " I should mention that when I lived in Ottawa,
ReplyDeletethere were a number of occasions that I would spend Christmas Day with
my aunt, uncle, cousins, and maternal grandparents and found these
experiences to be enjoyable."
Well, Mr. Goldstein, I'm quite sure that your relatives found the experience to be every bit as enjoyable as you did, complete with having your heart cockles warmed by the pleasant fellowship of your fellow celebrants. I do so hope that you will be invited to return next year for further celebration in what I hope will become a Christmas tradition. Have an adequately satisfactory holiday, sir.
"I know some people aren’t comfortable
ReplyDeletesaying Merry Christmas. But it’s Christmas. I always say Merry
Christmas. This is America. If I can’t say it here then where I can I
say it?"
Where can't you say it UPS man? On my goddam property, on which you are standing your ground right now. And you can be sure I will inform UPS that you came on my property to force your religion on me! Happy Chanukah, next time leave packages by the gate.
We could take up a collection and buy him a map.
ReplyDelete"Sez Goldstein: " I should mention that when I lived in Ottawa,
ReplyDeletethere were a number of occasions that I would spend Christmas Day with
my aunt, uncle, cousins, and maternal grandparents and found these
experiences to be enjoyable."
I knew it, he's a double-dipper! Only in America!
How DARE you mar this FESTIVUS SEASON!!!one1!
ReplyDelete~
And single-payer.
ReplyDelete~
"We've certainly been around longer than Golstein and his 'conservative' ilk."
ReplyDeleteYes, as I remember, Unitarians were the 11th Tribe.
Wouldn't that make them Undecimtarians?
ReplyDelete~
I expect that Jeff Bezos will have his package delivery drones fitted with megawatt sound systems and programmed with all the holiday music you can stand.
ReplyDeleteYou don' 'no nuffin about Chrismas! When you "mean it from the bottom of your heart" the only correct thing to say is "Feliz Navidad!"
ReplyDeleteAll I want for Christmas is about 6 back teeth.
I'm sure that UPS driver is as real as Tommy Friedman's cabbie.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I wouldn't be surprised if the exact same thing happened to Aaron Goldstein.
ReplyDelete"If you joined the Dr. Who collective, you'd have no problem understanding it."
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm sure they would never, ever accept me, and what would happen if they did? So as you can see, it's out of the question.
I'll just have to remain out of the know. It's my natural habitat. Well, that and seedy suburbs.
Gosh, I hope Goldstein doesn't read this comment thread. His next column will be titled "I Was the Victim of a Two-Minute Hate!"
ReplyDeleteAnd as a supreme bit of only-in-America these megawatt systems will blast us with the Vince Guaraldi "Charley Brown Christmas" tunes. And as excellent as that music is, we will learn to hate it.
ReplyDelete"Wouldn't that make them Undecimtarians?"
ReplyDeleteI should know? Afh yenems tukhes is gut sepatchen, if you get my drift, net-net, winch-winch.
Not that I want you to take that as an invitation, of course.
Even if you go through eternity as a wiener-dog?
ReplyDeleteAs a godless liberal in a godless liberal city, my only discomfort with "Merry Christmas" comes from the concern that by saying it I might come across as one of these joyless shits, or that someone who says it to me may be one. Nevertheless, I manage to both say and hear it without bursting into flames.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I say "happy holidays" or the like to people I don't know. It seems to be a fairly simple act of courtesy.
"It seems to be a fairly simple act of courtesy."
ReplyDeleteLike not putting a Pepsi can on a piano? Tell it to the King of Pop.
"Or the ones who lectured my Jewish in-laws about how any cards that
ReplyDeletedon't talk about Jesus get thrown in the trash at their house. In other
words,"
Oh, I fix those guys! Here any Hanukkah card which does not have an overtly militarist Zionist message gets burned! Eight with one lighter! We've got to remember what the holiday is really about!
Now I have nothing against anyone saying Happy Holidays if they mean it from the bottom of their hearts...
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays, Aaron, from the heart of my bottom!
I,for one, welcome the implanting of sincere-o-meters so that Aaron can see that I'm sincere in my greetings.
ReplyDeleteJeez, talk about an ingrate. Unitarians are a helluva lot more likely to graciously host a fella named Goldstein for Christmas service than your average Anti-War on Christmas fundies.
ReplyDeleteMaybe for his next bit he could bring a few chickens to a Reform temple on Yom Kippur and bitch that their lack of Kapores-Schlagen is a by-product of an American and Western culture increasingly critical of animal cruelty.
Jeff Godlstein wishes everyone a Merry Cock Slap.
ReplyDeleteNothing too serious here--Goldstein had some last minute shopping to do, the Spectator was paying by the word, a little recycling of shopworn War on Christmas cant, and voila!, Christmas was merry for the Goldstein Inner Circle! Touching (not the inappropriate kind, one hopes) really.
ReplyDeleteMy Danish roots dictate I wish Mr. Goldstein and everyone else a very happy Viking invasion again this holiday season. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Jo,y Baby, Joy. Whatever floats your festive boat.
ReplyDeleteOld-Time Christmas
They paddle in on the Yule tide,
Roly-poly ballast massed amidships.
The craft constructed of reindeer hide,
Elfin adornment bulwark plain.
The tinkle of bells heralds arrival,
Rosy cheeks and twinkling smiles.
Ecstatic at work and in survival,
Wares hefted on backs, a grunt, set out.
These jolly large men seek no chimneys,
They bring their own smoke, fire, fear.
Innocent eyes - too late! - see grimly
Vikings have come, with their Nick in time.
I seldom even see the front of a UPS man- I hear the doorbell, rush to the door, only to see his rapidly retreating back. THATS on packages that I'm supposed to sign for. For the non-signing packages he doesn't ring the doorbell, and I only discover he stopped by when I stumble over a package hours later. UPS: Santa Clause in brown!
ReplyDeleteany cards that don't talk about Jesus get thrown in the trash at their house.
ReplyDeleteObviously, the thing to do is send them a generic "Season's Greetings" card, then when you next speak to them apologize that you didn't have time to shop for a proper gift and ask how they spent the $100 bill you sent.
Yup, the two motorcycles in "Easy Rider" and Micheal Jackson putting a cold can of Pepsi on that grand piano. Well, gosh darn it, every man is entitled to his own private harbingers of the end of civilization, isn't he? .
ReplyDeleteUh oh....
ReplyDeleteWhatever floats your festive boat.
ReplyDeleteI want to pose for a selfie with a Danish Hellcat.
I’ll get you one for Festivus.
ReplyDelete"Aaron Goldstein" is this dude, like, a Converso or Marrano or something?
ReplyDeleteJust wait until the pictures come out of HNIC PBO, barefoot, on Hawaii's white sand beaches.
ReplyDeleteNo wonder. They used to hang Quakers there. But only when they were feeling their oats, as it were.
ReplyDeleteHappy Ballidays.
ReplyDeleteWasnt that the piint of his column?
ReplyDelete"Aaron Goldstein" is this dude, like, a Converso or Marrano or something?"
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure. I think he's supposed to be an American, but he sure don't sound like it to me. He sounds like he has the courage of his Balkan political convictions.
E-meters are available on the web, at greatly varying prices.
ReplyDeleteRaising my glass with appreciation to what you, together, create here with Roy.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q
It's just breathtaking, I know, right?
ReplyDelete"Something is terribly amiss when one feels self-conscious or is afraid of angering someone about conveying good wishes to a fellow human being."
Well then I guess that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to start up this whole bogus "War on Christmas" bullshit way back there in 2005 by complaining about how Christians were being persecuted by people who wished them "happy holidays." IIRC, in fact, back in the early WOC days, the entire war boiled down to people saying "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas." As a result, a lot of folks don't wish anyone "happy holidays" anymore, even in the most sincerest possible way. It's too bad that things are so amiss that "one" can no longer use this pleasantry. I wonder how that came about.
Get the one that guarantees all-night performance.
ReplyDeleteYeah, they have a support group for staff who have been traumatized by those door-swings-open moment. Jonah Goldstein shirtless. Pam Geller pants less. Glenn Beck headless.
ReplyDeleteI will shell out for the drone that drops a flaming paper bag of poo, knocks, and buzzes away into the night.
ReplyDeleteIf you're still around, tell me about the photoshop project. May be able to help.
ReplyDeleteHear! Hear! A Starbucks barrista said "Merry Christmas!" to me in a very sincere manner, and I wondered if she spit in my Gingerbread Latte (with only half the syrup, please).
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot Fundy Xtians!
"Police nabbed my Dad" ?
ReplyDeleteHey, awesome - I saw that in the last thread and was getting ready to tag onto one of your comments. Could I email you and if so, where? Just a bit self-conscious about airing the details here, since there is a pretty high chance of failure for this whole project. It feels less potentially crushing to reveal them to just a few people.
ReplyDeletethierryguerrant (at) yahoo (dot) com
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how people who never hang around with Liberals always hear them say stuff that no actual Liberal has ever said.
ReplyDeleteThanks a bazillion just for offering! I'll email details w/in the hour.
ReplyDeleteAlicuratti ROCK. Happy holidays, everyone!
I went to a Unitarian service once ... or maybe it was just some people singing folk-songs? Any way, it was amazingly boring, but I recall thinking "Its better than a Catholic mass where they make you stand, kneel, sit, stand, sit, kneel thru the whole thing. Folk songs are -endurable.
ReplyDelete(My dad used to comment on his regular attendance of his kids events such as ... church or graduation ceremonies, or awards ceremonies, batisms... "Oh, I just go into my "endure" mode" he told my sister after her graduation with a Master's. She was furious. (and now she's a security guard -same way she worked her way thru college. Ain't life ironic?)
They're great about making everything about politics. Holidays. Soda pop. Hell, even the Trayvon Martin thing wasn't a political football until Obama made a few tame comments about it and the wingnuts started seeing red.
ReplyDeleteThey don't let you into the real service unless you arrive wearing the Unitard.
ReplyDelete"Oh gee, Goldstein finds people are now more circumspect about saying
ReplyDelete"merry Christmas". I don't suppose it crosses his persecution-beclouded
mind that him and his fellow assclowns may have had a hand in that?"
Gosh, people hesitant to say "Merry Christmas" to a man named Aaron Goldstein? How could that happen in America! The outright bigotry of it really burns my kishkas.
But you know who I feel bad for? The poor schlimazel who proudly, in the full light of American religious tolerance, extends his hand and says "Happy Hannukah, Mr. Goldstein!" Aaron won't hesutate to set him straight!
In all of their poutrage over the word "Christmas", they totally lose sight of "merry".
ReplyDeleteSince "Christmas" advertising now starts well before Thanksgiving, I'd really prefer people say "Happy Holidays", since the entire month of December is now one giant shopathon.
ReplyDeleteHe may not be a Converso, but he's a Conservo, which is even more Jesus-bothery.
ReplyDeleteShorter Aaron Goldstein: "Having to recognize that people don't all follow my imaginary friend ruins my holidays."
ReplyDeleteI've been greeted with a hearty "Merry Christmas" at least a couple
ReplyDeletedozen times this year. Not in this year, nor in any preceding season, have
I ever heard such greetings accompanied by a
qualifying statement as per Goldstein's examples.
So, yeah.
I needed a pint to finish his column.
ReplyDeleteThat was about the only exercise I got on Sundays as a li'l Catholic boy.
ReplyDeleteHow about a combination E-meter/Festivus pole? A two meter E-reader, if you will.
ReplyDeleteI think he's a Converso high-top.
ReplyDeleteTake this and use it; this is My hankie, which I've snotted up for you.
ReplyDeleteOy Gevalt, what a world. I just took my dog for a walk, and the two little girls of the wingnut family across the street were standing on their front lawn with two big sheets of cardboard, one markered "Merry" and the other "Christmas" Their Mom, large and imposing, stood behind them daring all passersby to defy the command. Naturally, I gave them a charming smile and said "Merry Christmas, little ladies!" This was not, apparently what they were expecting from me, and they looked imploringly at their Mom, sort of like an early Christian who was all ready to be a martyr, but then he found out the lions had indigestion that day, and were off their usual fare. Their Mom was nonnon-plussed and said: "Girls, 'Merry Christmas' may have come out his mouth, but in his heart, he's thinkin' 'Happy Holidays'!
ReplyDeleteI crept away, chopfallen and embarrassed. She had me dead to rights.
Sorry, but unbelievable as it may sound, Scientology has got all that covered, E-meters, poles, you name it.
ReplyDeleteOn me it looks good.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me of a bit of my childhood.
ReplyDelete("Don't get the shoes that slip and slide
Get the shoes with the star on the side")
I'm sure it can all be worked out. I hope he doesn't have to spend Christmas in stir.
ReplyDelete"The little holes on the side? Those are to let the heat out when I run, or otherwise my pants would catch on fire!"
ReplyDelete3 upvotes for the Balkans? Must be those pleasant memories of Ruritania
ReplyDeleteThe most earnest wishes for a Merry Christmas that I've had this year come from the Middle Eastern and African Muslims where I work. They are much more graceful about it than I am; when I try to wish them a happy Eid, I sound like such a bumbling ignoramus.
ReplyDeleteYou have never sounded like a bumbling ignoramus ever.
ReplyDeleteIt's none of her business what's in your heart. Stupid cow is unclear on the concept of manners.
ReplyDeletexxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeletetheir self-inflicted War on Christmas seems to have led them, like a lost patrol, into a deep fog of fear
ReplyDeleteI rate for Deathwatch.
Do conservative suffer from "daschund syndrome"
ReplyDeleteWe don't need no steenkin' badgers.
In fairness, they thought that in the War on Christmas they would be greeted as liberators.
ReplyDeleteFFS. When I was a youth the kinfolk imposing Jesus on us just got us unsolicited subscriptions to Guideposts.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who didn't go to a Catholic mass until well into college (I'm from the rural South), I actually appreciate that part. Evangelical Protestants are like salesmen on commission; by contrast, Catholics could care less if you look like an idiot when everyone else knows when to kneel.
ReplyDeleteI think that's one of the draws of wingnut Christianity, actually: one is no longer required, either by the tenets of the faith or simple member-of-society politeness, to have any manners whatsoever. In fact, people expecting you to have manners are trying to impose a burden on you! Those fucking moochers--how dare they!!
ReplyDeleteAwwww. You two. Merry Christmas, guys.
ReplyDeleteYet I cannot help but think that such a service is a by-product of an
ReplyDeleteAmerican and Western culture that has been increasingly critical of
Christianity and consequently has been made to feel guilty about
celebrating Christmas.
Aaron Goldstein writes from Boston, Massachusetts. Aaron Goldstein is apparently unaware that John Adams was Unitarian. Aaron Goldstein is also unaware that the Puritans hated Christmas. Aaron Goldstein is presumably too exhausted from blabbering his goddamned stupid opinions to catch all those Boston-area residents on their way to midnight mass. Aaron Goldstein is invited to shove a lit Kwanzaa kinara up his ass to keep the Festivus pole company.
Happy Holidays, alicuratti!
Now I’m sure there were people who genuinely enjoyed that Winter Solstice service. That’s fine with me. Yet I cannot help but think
ReplyDeleteWHY MUST EVERYONE BE SO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TO THIS MAN WHO IS FILLED WITH SUCH HOLIDAY JOY???
"Yet I cannot help but think ..."
ReplyDeleteObjection! Presumes facts not in evidence!
Roy, I'd just like to wish you a Gud Yule, a Merry Christmas, a Serendipitous Sol Invictus (or whatever the appropriate greeting is there) and any other well-wishing that may apply to your personal seasonal observances. Your brilliant fisking of the reactionary crazy du jour and this community of witty bon vivants you've attracted not only helps keep me sane but is as much a victory of light over darkness as any other.
ReplyDeleteAnd good TIDINGS of great JOY, motherfuckers!
ReplyDelete(As you probably know, that was actually the original title of Sarah Palin's book-like product.)
In Milton's hell, "devil with devil damn'd Firm concord holds," but I think that for the brethren the fun part about reigning in hell would be the eternal process of accusing one another of being sellouts, traitors to true Satanism.
ReplyDeleteNow I have nothing against anyone saying Happy Holidays if they mean it from the bottom [sic] of their hearts
ReplyDeleteHe will respond "Merry Christmas!" from the bottom of his spleen.
From the lights on my neighbor's house and the tree in my living room, it appears we need to redouble our efforts next year! Fight on, comrades!
ReplyDeleteIs it the Vagematic? The pocket Fisherman too?
ReplyDeleteThe Illuminated, Illustrated History of Life?
Boxcar Willie? With a Ginsu Knife?!
You're probably just dreaming. It'll be OK when you wake up...
But Palin's book is actually entitled "Good Tidings AND Great Joy." Does she know that she (or her ghost writer) got the quote wrong? Or is she really a double agent in the War-On-Christmas?
ReplyDelete...unclear on the concept of manners.
ReplyDeleteThis distills the entire war-on-Christmas idiocy; I'm undecided whether those advancing the cause are deliberately obtuse about this for the sake of their never-ending war on liberals, or just plain stupid. I was brought up Catholic in NYC, where there are a lot of non-Christians, so our cards said "Happy Holidays" and "Seasons Greetings" and so did well-wishes to neighbors. Because it was POLITE, and to do otherwise would have been FUCKING RUDE.
Maybe it's because those touting this crap live in areas and enclaves with only Christmas celebrants, or they just don't know or see any Jews or Muslims, or they are just full of shit, like O'Reilly and Palin pushing the "Merry Christmas" friend-or-foe signifier while their employer sticks with "Happy Holidays".
Maybe their next cause will be the elimination of phrases like "excuse me," "I'm sorry," and "I beg your pardon" because such weak-kneed pansyism is kowtowing to convention as it it were Raul Castro, and Real Americans never say I"m sorry for anything! (Just ask a few Afghani wedding parties.)
Nuts.
Merry Newtonmass and a Hyper Ape Yawn to all you fine people.
ReplyDeleteI've enjoyed the year at alicublog with all of you now let's put the X in Xmas!
ReplyDelete"I always say Merry Christmas. This is America. If I can’t say it here then where I can I say it?"
ReplyDeleteCanada, Mexico, the UK, Australia, Norway, Russia, the United States of America ... Oh, just buy your own fucking atlas, stupid imaginary UPS driver! And Merry Christmas.
[We now resume your Happy Holidays, already in progress.]
So he goes to a Unitarian Solstice service and is disappointed that Jesus isn't mentioned? Is Jesus the reason for Solstice. too?
ReplyDeleteI've been to a few Unitarian services around the holiday and have heard the name bandied about on Xmas Eve candlelight services. Maybe Goldstein was snoozing during the sermon?
We've got to remember what the holiday is really about! We only had enough blood of christian infants to last one night, but miraculously it lasted as long as a whole pre-school!
ReplyDeleteWatch it, will ya? You wanna get me in trouble with the neighbors?
ReplyDelete"In fact, people expecting you to have manners are trying to impose a burden on you!"
ReplyDeleteDon't I know it. A huge one I've never been able to carry.
I'm pretty sure they spend half their time bitching about how they could have reigned in heaven but heaven sold out to the commies and the homes.
ReplyDeleteWait, is this one of those "I met a conservative at a dinner party and slew him with my wit" fantasy comments, or did this really happen?
ReplyDeleteI agree. Maybe you can argue that Jesus is the reason for the seasonal holiday Christmas but you really can't argue that he's the reason for the Solstice for christ's (sic) sake.
ReplyDeleteHappy Happy time Roy - thanks for all your hard work
ReplyDeleteAnd that the true believers would throw crowns of thorns roses at their feet.
ReplyDeleteI know that someone of Tom Friedman's exalted status might remain unaware, but "Aaron Goldstein" probably knows that UPS drivers, and even cabbies, are individuals who have names. I suppose maybe not their cabbies and UPS drivers, but real ones do.
ReplyDeleteThey would certainly never interview a senior manager with UPS without thinking to put in their names.
Nobody does that except conservative columnists, so I think it's safe to say this is in the fantasy area, unless he lives across the street from Katie Pavlich.
ReplyDeleteIt's like those liberals at dinner parties conservatives are always running across who get schooled by the brilliant rightwing mind leaving them speechless.
ReplyDeleteWell, maybe you haven't consulted your pre-Reformation cosmology recently?
ReplyDeleteJeez... she actually said that? What... was it the yellow Star of David on your coat lapel that gave it away?
ReplyDeleteSo who got slain here? Nobody but me.
ReplyDelete"was it the yellow Star of David on your coat lapel that gave it away?"
ReplyDeleteNo, I doubt it, at the time, I was incognito. In fact, I was lit up like a Christmas tree!
Oh, the Pavlich's aren't such bad neighbors. I can't figure out why their dogs slobber whenever anybody rings my doorbell, tho.
ReplyDeleteIt is never, ever okay when I get up.
ReplyDeleteReally, don't you think it would be counter-productive to mess with Christians? After all, there's so many of them, and relatively speaking, so many fewer Palestinians! Why try and punch above our weight?
ReplyDeleteFeliz Navidad- "Police nabbed my Dad"
ReplyDeleteOh sorry, it took me a while to get it. I guess I shouldn't assume everybody's family is like mine, huh?
I apologize for both the number, and the content of my comments on this thread. However, some good has come of this. My wife printed out the thread and made me read it once I sobered up. I enter rehab on Monday.
ReplyDeleteHe is awaiting the Rupture eagerly, as he is slightly hard of hearing.
ReplyDeleteRay Romano recommended (for Christmas Eve-only massgoers) picking one little old lady up front who looked like a regular and following her lead. "If she started moonwalking I'd have my doubts, but I'd have to do the same."
ReplyDeleteI was raised by Unitarians. I've probably been to thirty Christmas services in various Unitarian churches, and trust me on this: y'all would have a hard time telling 'em from the services at the Congregational church down the street. Same candles, same hymns, same chapter and verse.
ReplyDeleteOl' Aaron not being able to tell the difference between Christmas and the winter solstice is just another sad example of a conservative missing the point.
I was in Jerusalem in April and you can actually buy prefab crowns of thorns there.
ReplyDeleteI took a picture, to show folks the "DIY Jesus Kit." These folks are weird.
Gosh, I don't know whether to be encouraged or dismayed by those upvotes.
ReplyDeleteAnd those professors who are driven, screaming, from their classrooms, by the logical pronouncement of rural freshmen.
ReplyDeleteI felt terribly torn about my decision to upvote, so I asked my Rabbi, "is it permissible for a Jew to support and encourage black humor based on the most pernicious of all anti-Semitic slanders?" And he wisely answered, "Shut up and put that pound of flesh in the fridge for leftovers."
ReplyDeleteI'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery.
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know, that bigamy offer still stands.
"This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time travelled, yes? We're in a
ReplyDeleteweird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe, outside, the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking
robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new pope. Maybe you can
download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your future, OK?"
Well, to be fair, it was either run screaming, or strangle them in case their smug barely literate ignorance was contagious.
ReplyDeleteWell, John Wayne and Leroy Jethro Gibbs have already decided that apologizing for anything is a sign of weakness.
ReplyDeleteI forget who said it, but "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up, that's the best they're gonna feel all day"
ReplyDelete"This is my body; eat of it, for this part is my dick."
ReplyDeleteI remember a long-ago MAD Magazine article "A MAD look at the California Lifestyle" or similar. They had the adult's daily schedule, mostly centered around receiving cosmetology, if I recall. I'll never forget, never, the contrasting "teenage" California schedule. It went like this:
ReplyDelete"8:30 am Wake up
9:00 am Shoot up...."
Pretty harsh for MAD.
"is it permissible for a Jew to support and encourage black humor based on the most pernicious of all anti-Semitic slanders?"
ReplyDeleteYou mean the nakba?, Not that it ever really happened. Heck, they don't even exist!
The self hatred is strong on this one. And I imagine that Aaron Goldstein would be the one calling ME a self-hating Jew for having views on Israeli policies vis-a-vis the Palestinians that are held by at least a quarter of Israelis.
ReplyDelete(Upvote was actually for MikeJ's "blood of Christian infants")
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, I do find that when people do say Merry Christmas they are far more circumspect about it. The greeting is accompanied by a qualifying statement. For instance, there is “Merry Christmas and whatever else you might celebrate,” or “Merry Christmas. I hope I didn’t offend you.”
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wish these guys would bring back datelines, so that we'd know if they were actually reporting from another solar system or parallel dimension; the default is, of course, "The Hellish Netherworld Between My Ears."
Also, I wonder if the Unitarians have developed some sort of square-sense, and waited until he left to break out the mead and economy-sized lube pumps.
OT, but relevant to the whole Megyn Kelly thing: you know who else wasn't white?
ReplyDeleteYou know, if you really think you've said something bigoted and want to make amends, "I hope I didn't offend you" is almost always inferior to "I think what I just said was rude, and I'm sorry." The only person I can imagine saying "Merry Christmas. I hope I didn't offend you," is a Christmas Warrior who is trying to passive-aggressively imply that I'm going to get angry at him for his greeting, and who is not at all sorry for or uncertain about said greeting.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't actually know what I'm talking about here, but I always assumed that a Unitarian who wanted a little more zing in their holidays would just go full Pagan, preferably around Beltane.