Bestselling author and columnist, Jonah Goldberg, writes on U.S. politics and culture as a fellow at AEI. One of the most prominent conservative political commentators today, Goldberg frequently appears on television and radio shows, and his syndicated columns are circulated widely across the United States. Interns will conduct research on a large range of policy-related topics to assist Mr. Goldberg with his columns, lectures, and media appearances. The ideal candidate will possess strong research and writing skills, as well as a demonstrated interest in U.S. politics, culture, and the media.
Job Location
Washington, District of Columbia, United States
Position Type
Intern
SalaryDoesn't that suggest a scene --
0.00 - 0.00 USD
JONAH and K-LO in the NR breakroom; JONAH thumbs through a pile of resumes.
JONAH. (through a mouthful of Hot Pockets) Lookit all these resumes from old guys! (pulls one out) "Mark Gauvreau Judge." God, why can't they get their moms to get them jobs! Losers. (wipes mouth with resume)
K-LO. (sniffs) Something smells -- (gasps, stands) Mother of Christ! Jonah, not again! (gags, pulls her wimple across her nose and mouth) Do you have Satan inside you?
JONAH. Better call a exorcist, K-Lo, 'cuz I just shotgunned a can of these.
JONAH holds up an empty tube of French's French Fried Onion Rings, and simultaneously farts, knocking over a ketchup bottle and two wastebaskets. K-LO flees.
JONAH. If ya can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Hey, I should put that in the ad! (pulls a resume marked BEN SHAPIRO out of the pile, reads aloud as he writes on the back with eyeliner pencil) "Candidate must have high level important eh-pee-see-mo-lotical discussions with his boss, Jonah Goldberg." (wraps one of his hands with the resume, talks to it) So, you went to Harvard, huh? (shakes hand wrapped in resume, speaks in a falsetto) "Yes I did, Mr. Goldberg, I'm a very smart man and I'm 40 years old and I write for free on the internet." (normal voice) Oh, I see. Well, tell me, Mr. Harvard Man, can you tell me what is happening now? (farts, knocking down a set of venetian blinds. Sirens are heard in the distance.) "Oooooh, Mr. Goldberg, you made a very bad fart!" Is that so? Well perhaps they didn't teach you at Harvard that HE WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT! "Ooooh noooo!" Oh yes! "Ooooh noooooo!" Oh yes! (JONAH pushes the resume-draped hand between his legs) Ha! "Ack! Oh no! P.U.! It stinks in here! Lemme gooooo!" No! "Lemme gooooo! Lemme --"
TWO FIREFIGHTERS in Hazmat suits burst in and lay hands on JONAH.
FIREFIGHTER. Methane levels are beyond the safety limit, sir! We're taking you out of here!
JONAH: LIBERAL FASCISM!
He lunges and grabs an industrial-size bag of Tostitos Hint of Jalapeno Chips as they carry him away.
Glorious Leader, New Bolshevik Army: KKKHHHHK "Agent 71, Agent 71, come in. Can you hear me?" KKHHHKH
ReplyDeleteAgent 71: "Hardee's three days in a row now...I can feel my stomach lining marbling as we speak. Every day after lunch (static) 12 paper towels and half a can of Lysol...(static) anything like it in my life, not (indistinct) the Christie Operation, that was nothing compared (static, indistinct noises in background) Swear to God, commander, if I have to hear one more fucking time how the new Thor movie is a triumph for conservatism, (static, followed by long string of obscenities)
GL, NBA: "He's been compromised! Abort, abort! Recon team, go!"
Just contemplate, for the moment, what Thanksgiving dinner must be like in the Goldberg household.
ReplyDeleteNo, that's too frightening.
Salary
ReplyDelete0.00 - 0.00 USD
Wooow, I honestly thought Mortimer slipped this in to be funny, but nope, it's right there in the job listing. Even the high-functioning sociopaths in the financial biz say that their scholarships will, in lieu of money, "provide invaluable experience" or "increase hiring potential" or something that doesn't blatantly remind people they're running errands for lazy rich people for no money.
K-LO. (sniffs) Something smells -- (gasps, stands) Mother of Christ! Jonah, not again! (gags, pulls her wimple across her nose and mouth) Do you have Satan inside you?
ReplyDeleteJONAH. Not any more! Mwahahahahaha!
Is this an internship, or internment?
ReplyDeleteOh lord, Roy. I've been reading ya for a long time and always had a chuckle or a giggle. This is the first time you actually knocked me out of my chair onto the floor laffing. DO IT AGAIN!!!
ReplyDeleteThe horror of it is that he's probably had applicants. Even some who think it will be a great learning experience. As long as there are wingnut billionaires in this country, there's going to be a wingnut welfare gravy train, and the waiting list to get on that train is loooong.
ReplyDeleteThere must be millions of homeschooled Ben Domenech wannabes in this country. *shudder*
You scoff, but just wait till the next job listing, where the applicant has to promise to pay Jonah for the work. How else can you show how deeply you care about capitalism?
ReplyDeleteIf Jonah the Fail actually gets a good, solid, earnest (and honest) intern to provide him with research, it will either be the end of Jonah or an extremely short internship.
ReplyDeleteJonah:I want to write an update to my book, Liberal Fascism. Maybe combine it with my cliché book. Go find me some updated examples of liberal fascistic clichés.
Intern:After researching that, I've found that the dictionary and every source I can find says fascism is a rightwing political phenomenon, not a liberal thing.
Jonah: You're fired! Dammit, why can't I get an intern who isn't under the sway of liberal reality!
Not sure how much more bullshit you could get Jonah to put on the page. I mean, he's not only shown himself to be impervious to information, he's also incapable of being embarrassed when shown how astonishingly head-slappingly wrong what he's written is. I think his response regarding Liberal Fascism ("The dictionary says I'm wrong, but . . . ") about sums up both his ignorance and his gullibility.
ReplyDeleteHaving slipped the bonds of the tyranny of cliches, the Pantload probably doesn't heed the "be careful what you ask for" caution.
ReplyDeleteThen again, perhaps the qualifications for this "position" are phrased in Orwellian doublespeak.
"Although Mr. Goldberg has been accused of multiple violations of the Geneva Protocol, Mr. Goldberg's attorneys emphasize that he is not, repeat, not under
ReplyDeleteindictment by the International Criminal Court for crimes against
humanity."
"The ideal candidate will possess strong research and writing skills," you know, for helping to create sentences that are masterful evaluations of modern political culture, such as:
ReplyDeleteMeh.
and
The media feeding frenzy it has triggered from so many journalistic
lapdogs has been both so funny and so poignant, it reminds me of nothing
more than the climax of the classic film Air Bud, when the lovable basketball-playing golden retriever finally decides to maul the dog-abusing clown.
Truly, leaving Air Bud, and possibly even Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch off the AFI list of 100 best movies was a cultural crime right up there with destruction of the Bamiyan Buddhas and the cancellation of Punky Brewster.
Effing hilarious, by my lights and for the record. I always wondered what "talk to the hand" meant.
ReplyDelete"Salary
ReplyDelete0.00 - 0.00 USD"
Umm... how much is that in bitcoins...
So, he's switched from "Hey, I'm too bored to fact-check any of my columns, how about all of you people reading this do it for me for free?" to "Hey, I'm too bored to fact check any of my columns, how about one specific person does it for me for free?". He's basically downsizing his ignorance.
ReplyDeleteI dunno, Roy... I think your characterization of Jonah as a cross between Lou Grant and Ralph Kramden gives him way too much of a "Man O' The People" aura. He IS a Goucher grad after all (three of my aunts went there when it was all women and a little more selective), and I'd guess he pictures himself as more of a wingnut Algonquin Round Table type, who is constantly wondering: "Why doesn't ANYONE get me???"
ReplyDeleteHe's a job creator!
ReplyDeleteIntelligent people can disagree as to interpretation of the classics.
ReplyDeleteJonah Goldberg with an intern. Dear sweet weeping hysterical Jesus. It's actually a much shorter scene:
ReplyDeleteJG: So, you think you're man enough to be my intern?
HAPLESS CANDIDATE: Mwrrfffff nrggghhhl.
JG: More tongue on the left testicle. Kid, you've got potential.
FX: [gunshot]
JG: Fuck. Another one killed himself. Maybe I should shower before I interview the next one.
The only amazing thing is, if they've got a loaded gun, why use it on themselves instead of Jonah? But then, if they were smart they wouldn't be interviewing for the job.
Shit, if I lived in the DC area, I'd do it, at least for a while until he caught on. I mean, who would fact-check my resume?
ReplyDeleteas he leaves the room croaking - he's not heavy, he's my brother (out of tune of course)
ReplyDeleteYou stopped too early:
ReplyDelete"The ideal candidate will possess strong research and writing skills,"
Thus, "Hey, I'm too bored to fact check or write any of my columns, how about..." etc.
Ah the "sweet" smell of servitude
ReplyDeletePeon: Please sir may I have more?
The Whale: What you want more manna? (grabs an extra large bag of chili Doritos) fffffffffaaaaaaarrrrrt - breathe deep the air of failure success you worthless toad
Dear Master Goldburg,
ReplyDeleteI feel I am an ideal candidate for internment with your prominence. I have a background in broadcast news and teevee production so I know why the liberal media can asks those “gotcha! sucka!” questions they favour so much. I am also a student of political nature of the United States and have read every book ever printed by Regenery Press, even Mitch Malkins’ stuff. I know radio inside and outside as I have it on all the time I am awake, 24x7, and listen attentively to the masters like the dog in the old RCA ads, where he’s at attention listening to Rush Limbagh.
Policy is my middle name, and I believe I could be a big help helping you help Americans by designing some and following thru. Finishing what
we started is also another of my middle names. As is blindingly obvious, I’m a terific writer and possess fast,accurate and mostly-true research titbits for inclusion in your penetrative columns, lectures and other ejaculatory exclamatories, weather they be on air, in land or at sea.
I live on truth and justice, so the non-payment part of this job offer is something that will not and can not be a problem. I’m loyal, I’m punctual, I’m hardworking and I’m eager to learn new things from masterful thinkers and pubic intellectuals such as yourself and the rest of the deep thinkers and musers you work with. These are all also my middle names.
Please consider me as an ideal hire for your internment. I look in a forward direction to hearing from you in the very near days ahead. Thanks to you for my consideration.
In Reverence,
keta
nice post
ReplyDeleteThe first time I saw "The Last Emperor," I thought the worst job in the world
ReplyDeletebelonged to the eunich who sniffed the infant would be-Emperor's poop. But
that's a dream job compared to being Jonah Goldberg's intern at AEI.
Just wait until Jonah figures out that he can get FREE DOUGHNUTS by using his intern's SNAP benefits.
ReplyDeletedude, I'LL pay you
ReplyDeletehired
ReplyDeleteI actually for once agree with K-LO here -- this made me gag...
ReplyDeleteI marvel at your restraint, Roy. This was the version for the Children's Matinee, right?
ReplyDeleteVery funny, smart guys. (/Dean Wormer) But where do you think the next Jonah Goldberg is going to come from? Lucianne is too old to have another, and such an undertaking can't be entrusted to her idiot offspring. A new generation cries out for its own Doughy Pantload!
ReplyDeleteNo need to pay me, after I've got the sitcom/reality show going.
ReplyDeleteAn intern's skills should never outshine their massa's boss'.
ReplyDelete