Monday, September 23, 2013


The key line from Jonah Goldberg's latest is:
[Breaking Bad] is the best show currently on television, and perhaps even the best ever. Moreover, it deserves special respect from conservatives.
Thereafter ensues an extended mouthfart to this effect:
  • Breaking Bad includes many wise observations about human behavior.
  • Conservatives r grate.
  • Therefore Breaking Bad is conservative.
Actually maybe this is the key line:
And that is why great novels are, by nature, conservative.
I'm not surprised that there's a market for telling conservatives that everything good is conservative, but sometimes I'm amazed that Goldberg has been doing it so long and still sucks at it.

UPDATE. In comments, lots of conservative classic fanfic in Goldberg's honor, e.g. from J. Neo Marvin: "Stately, plump Jonah Goldberg came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of Cheetos in which two Star Wars figurines lay crossed..." Much farting, too.


  1. XeckyGilchrist10:20 AM

    Something's missing - confirmation bias usually comes in threes.

  2. He's a legacy hire. Period.

  3. Because Lucianne Goldberg once in her life got a(n unspeakably vile) scoop? Like if Dumbledore gave Sybill Trelawney's son the chair in History of Magic.

  4. coozledad10:30 AM

    Caddie smelled like Polo.

  5. bourbaki10:33 AM

    To Jonah's credit Walter White does whine an awful lot about how no one respects his huge piles of money. Doesn't get more conservative than that.

  6. coozledad10:37 AM

    You know, I misspelled Caddy, but it almost works better that way.

  7. Like if Bellatrix Lestrange got her idiot son a jerb as a Death Eater.

  8. Caddyshack: Best conservative comedy ever!

  9. "In a sense, it already gets that respect: It’s relatively popular in red-state America. As David Segal noted in the New York Times in 2011, Breaking Bad gets nearly the same ratings as Mad Men,
    but New York and Los Angeles aren’t even in its top ten cities. This
    prompted Segal to dub the show’s creator, Vince Gilligan, TV’s “first
    true red-state auteur.”

    Aw, Jonah... that's just the meth talkin'...

  10. Wait wait that really happened, and in an organization much more like National Review. Much better than mine.

  11. calling all toasters10:42 AM

    Hey, if New Mexico (or, Reagan forbid, the entire US) had universal health care, there would have been no need for Walter White to take up crime. No crime = no series. Therefore, the conservative battle to limit health care access is responsible for Breaking Bad.

    They must be very proud. Like if the authors of the Slave Codes had lived to see Roots.

  12. You know Miguel de Unamuno once attempted to prove that Don Quixote was a conservative novel, by publishing his own edition, from which everything a sane person would want to read had been removed. Jonah Goldberg is not exactly in that league.

  13. LittlePig10:44 AM

    A sinecure is a terrible thing to waste.

  14. redoubt10:48 AM

    Breaking Wind by Jonah Goldberg, short version:
    So what it glorifies a life of crime? I like stuff like that (from white people). It's the conservative way.

  15. edroso11:00 AM

    Plus, everyone knows TV's "first true red-state auteur" was actually Paul Henning.

  16. Bizarro Mike11:04 AM

    This whole thing is a let-down. When is Jonah finally going to tell us the identity of the most conservative breakfast meat? I was thinking it would be bacon, but then because of hipsters, it can't be. It can't be sausage, because that celebrates diversity. It also can't be scrapple because that's for the poors. Maybe ham? Or is that too easily confused with CANADIAN bacon? Damn it, Jonah! Tell us!

  17. Halloween_Jack11:09 AM

    Jonah doesn't really break his pattern of having nothing in particular to say about anything here, but I was amused by this:

    Of course evil is seductive, telling us things we want to hear; the Devil, after all, is the Prince of Lies.

    New NRO hire, Jonah?

  18. philadelphialawyer11:27 AM

    Got off the boat.....and the NRO website tried to highjack my browser!

    "Page cannot be found" over and over again.

    Anyway, this, "I'm not surprised that there's a market for telling conservatives that everything good is conservative, but sometimes I'm amazed that Goldberg has been doing it so long and still sucks at it," stuck me as unfair. Because the task is impossible, how can we blame him for not being good at it? I wanted to look at what he wrote, to see if there was a better way to support his ridiculous thesis, but, because the site doesn't function correctly, I couldn't.
    I blame Obama!

  19. Waingro11:40 AM


  20. calling all toasters11:47 AM

    "And that is why great novels are, by nature, conservative." ...oh, if only this were true! Imagine the possibilities:

    -It was the best of times (if you were a liberal moocher); it was the worst of times (if you were a heroic job creator).

    -Sarah Palin, light of my life, fire of my loins.

    -Someone must have slandered Jonah G., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was laughed at.

    -We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when The Fountainhead began to take hold.

    -Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Jonah Goldberg was to remember that distant afternoon when his mother took him to discover wingnut welfare.

  21. synykyl11:50 AM

    I thought it was "The Birth of a Nation".

  22. Jeffrey_Kramer11:52 AM

    Story goes, when the U.S. was working on breaking the Japanese code they kept coming across a word which they weren't sure of, but from context -- "the Thai government has become more [word] recently" "we believe that the current Secretary of State is more [word] than his predecessor," etc. -- it seemed clear that the word was "pro-Japanese." After the war they examined the uncoded messages and found the word was, "sincere."

    I imagine that when some alien race inspects the ruins of Terran civilization and tries decoding back issues of National Review, they will be similarly stumped at first at finding the same word in phrases like "this rap song is [word]," "this cartoon is [word]" "this Shakespearean sonnet is [word]" "this sexual position is [word]," etc. etc. They will deduce that it means something like "excellent, of the highest order" or maybe "exciting, hot." And if they ever do find the Rosetta Stone which enables true translation between Wingnut and English, they will still have to try to understand the meaning of this odd word, "conservative." And I'm afraid the alien scholars will be stumped unless they are lucky enough to find a surviving copy of Cleek's Law.

  23. Wait a second, isn't this the guy who just wrote a piece on how liberals try to bring politics into everything? Geez, Jonah, you couldn't have let a week lapse in between those observations?

    I'd just like to mention again my fantasy of having one of my novels become popular, just so I can watch conservatives try to read their own beliefs into it. One day, I hope to have Jonah Goldberg explain to me how Conqueror is a liberal villain.

  24. Give him credit - at least he tried to add something to the culture. For most of the brethren, anything that requires standing up is too much effort.

  25. As memory serves, the most recent State of the Internet report suggested that partisan political sites are among the most likely to be compromised with malware.

    Pornographic sites are among the safest. Clearly we're all in the wrong place.

  26. Jeffrey_Kramer12:12 PM

    The Canterbury Tales are conservative because "The Miller's Tale" in particular celebrated the power of the fart.

  27. XeckyGilchrist12:15 PM

    No love for Riefenstahl?

    Oh, wait.

  28. Oh, and I tried to read Jonah's brain-fart for myself, but a) it's five pages with no "read on single page" option, and b) after four paragraphs of the Lord of the Simpsons expounding on the history of televised entertainment.

    So I took a quick jaunt into the comments, where one of the top rated ones was a guy proclaiming this to be the best thing Jonah has ever which another fellow responded with the names of other columns that he considered even better. I bring this up only to note that Jonah Goldberg doesn't just have fans - he has passionate fans.

    Have a good day.

  29. Jeffrey_Kramer12:19 PM

    Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded is conservative because, obviously, it inculcates the conservative values of virginity before marriage and subservience to the husband afterward. Joseph Andrews is conservative because its relentless mockery of the simple-mindedness of Pamela drives home conservative wisdom about the need to challenge social (i.e. socialist) values in the name of individual freedom and the pursuit of happiness.

  30. That's a truly great story.

  31. XeckyGilchrist12:22 PM

    Of course, but slightly lower-key than most, one hopes.

  32. Except it was her nephew right. (Mom didn't want him to take the gig.)

  33. XeckyGilchrist12:38 PM

    If we're lucky, Jonah will get the same response to his fart that Nicholas got.

  34. My FIL is one of those who see everything as political? Did you guys know that cigarettes that extinguish themselves came about because Liberals were raising hell because some drunk burned up his bed? I sure as hell didn't, I thought it was to prevent random fires next to a highway or something.

  35. If it fits it's not Godwin.

  36. You read a 5 page Jonah Goldberg rant? You are a Christ-like figure who has surely suffered so the rest of us may avoid reading a 5 page Goldberg rant.

  37. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be better than you, scum.

  38. It was a dark and stormy editorial meeting.

  39. Call me Jonah. Some years ago — never mind how long precisely — having few or no hot shares in my portfolio, and nothing particular to interest me on shore...

  40. LookWhosInTheFreezer12:58 PM

    It's also plays into every wingnut's Great Man fantasy that is only prevented in reality by those evil, restrictive laws that liberals force upon them. Walter also throws around talk of "the market" here and there while simultaneously trying to create a complete monopoly. Bonus points for fighting Federalism in the form of the DEA. And the most obvious, his holier-than-thou attitude towards drug use which somehow does nothing to squelch his desire to make fuck-tons of money off their addictions. I guess it kinda IS a conservative show, after all.

  41. Jay B.12:58 PM

    And that is why great novels are, by nature, conservative.

    Ralph Ellison, Gore Vidal, Richard Wright, Don DeLillo, Thomas Pynchon, why the nature of conservative novels is practically endless!

  42. Izzy Wasserstein1:01 PM

    The Fartmaster: "...there is at the irreducible core of conservatism the idea that human nature is what it is." Give credit where it's due: for once, he hit on an actual idea. No one tell him he's just explained why his worldview is inane.

    He's Javert and doesn't know it.

  43. BigHank531:01 PM

    His editor took out the dick joke.

  44. fraser1:02 PM

    "And, as TV matured, it also arguably got worse: The sitcoms of the 1960s
    and 1970s were on the whole not as good as those that would come in the
    1980s and 1990s."

    That would be the opposite of getting worse as it got older.

  45. bourbaki1:03 PM

    Don't forget his forceful endorsement of "family values".

  46. BigHank531:04 PM

    1984 is totes conservative.

  47. Must be referring to C.C.W. Cooke.

  48. And in Jonah's case standing up stimulates the flatulence as well.

  49. Conservative retroactionary logic, of which I have been conducting a study. A relatively straightforward example:

  50. So you're telling me that conservatives literally equal Nazis?

  51. That's called logic.

  52. montag21:37 PM

    I find this need, this compulsion, to borrow, co-opt, usurp or outright steal most everything of value to be extremely conservative. Producing almost nothing of value themselves, they have no choice but to steal the work of others and claim it for their very own.

    It's kinda like the relationship of capital and labor, when I think about it.

    But, whoa, Nellie. "And that is why great novels are, by nature, conservative" just pins the bullshit-o-meter in the red zone and sets it to smoking. It's not that the claim is indefensible. It is. It's not that the claim is outrageous. It is.

    It's just that it's downright silly, but is offered as if it were a sage and matter-of-fact observation. This seems to me to be a sterling example of Der Pantload's technique. He's the Joe Isuzu of wingnut welfare--he's trying to be the world's worst liar. And as long as he conceives of himself as a defender of the faith and the brand, he really, truly believes his own bullshit.

    I put it this way because I'm really having a lot of trouble accepting that the evidence suggests--and that evidence is incredibly strong--that he's actually mind-numbingly stupid. I guess I want to believe better about the American educational system than Doughy's oeuvre implies. Sure, we have a lot of educated idiots pontificating today, but, for the most part, they do try to at least rise to the level of just being lame. Goldberg doesn't even manage that, and for years, many have ascribed this inability to intellectual laziness. I think this assessment is incorrect. It assumes there is an intellect to be lazy.

    Finally, I think we have, in his above statement, the proof necessary to resolve the question. Yes, his prose is mired in a swamp of banality. Yes, he's horribly predictable. Yes, he's consistently deceitful. But, all those attributes are grounded in what can only be described as one of the most profoundly dull minds of our time.

  53. coozledad1:37 PM

    For a long time I used to go to through a 32 oz bag of Cheetos quickly. Sometimes, when I had put my hand in the bag, its contents would vanish so quickly that I had not even time to say “I’ve eaten another goddamn bag of Cheetos!”

  54. Jay B.1:39 PM

    True, but only as a manual. I don't think they think it's actually a novel.

  55. BadExampleMan1:39 PM

    Lolita is conservative because it shows the lengths a family man will go to make sure his daughter has proper instruction and training.

  56. Yep. Close enough for Slytherin work, though.

  57. coozledad1:42 PM

    Or to put it another way, somebody's got to buy all that Hugo Boss shit.

  58. Jay B.1:43 PM

    Jonah Goldberg in: Breaking Seams

  59. KatWillow1:45 PM

    "Jonah Goldberg was not really intelligent, but men seldom noticed when caught by his FARTS"

  60. stepped_pyramids1:56 PM

    I'm assuming a lot of conservatives are on "Team Walt", aka "Team Missing The Point Of The Entire Show, Jesus".

  61. coozledad1:59 PM

    A screaming comes across the sky.

  62. coozledad2:05 PM

    Leopold Bloom is the Jew of liberal facism.Dublin..

  63. coozledad2:19 PM

    Fanny Hill is conservative because it demonstrates the links between a sound work ethic and social mobility.

  64. LookWhosInTheFreezer2:26 PM

    Yeah, good catch. He covers alot of territory there: do as I say not as I do, nobody appreciates me as the "Provider," I am the head(man) of this family, and the ultimate act of parenting is measured in $ signs rather than attention, love, honesty etc.

  65. JennOfArk2:29 PM

    - Before reaching the final line, however, he had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the Gulch of Galt would be wiped out by static electricity and exiled from the memory of parasites at the precise moment when Hank Reardon would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of socialism did not have a second opportunity on earth.

  66. calling all toasters2:30 PM

    You mean you would have read it if Roy didn't? HEY ROY! Over here! We got a live one!

  67. & Tom Jones shows the fallacy of liberal focus on environmental over genetic factors in human development. Also pretty heteronormative of course.

  68. Derelict2:44 PM

    Sure. But if you sent that quote to Jonah the Fail and noted that what he wrote is precisely the opposite of what he was trying to say, his response would be "But that just proves my point that the early sitcoms were much better than the even better ones that came after them
    How this twit gets paid to do anything that does not involve pumping sewage from nursing-home septic tanks is at once one of the great mysteries and the great injustices of the universe.

  69. Jonah Goldberg is Freaking Bad.

  70. MikeJ3:13 PM

    I would have guessed the steak part of steak and eggs. This is the real reason Reagan's young bucks buying t-bones are so ire-inducing. Those savages don't understand the philosophical implications of their choice in protein.

  71. teresa3:21 PM

    Everything is about the conservatives today. If they sniff it, see it, read it or hear it, it's about them.

  72. Not to mention the sequel, "Breaking Wind".

  73. Ah, yes, the great 7-novel cycle, In Search of Lost Cheetos. (They were always under the sofa cushions but the maid couldn't find them unless he himself got off the sofa.)

  74. LookWhosInTheFreezer3:56 PM

    They just can't let us have anything to ourselves, can they? Cf- the lyrics to "There Goes The Neighborhood" by Body Count.

  75. Fats Durston4:13 PM

    Call me Asshole.

  76. Fats Durston4:14 PM

    The mind above the fart was the color of television tuned to a dead channel.

  77. Gromet4:39 PM

    Of course, this "irreducible core" that human nature is universal is at odds with conservatism's other irreducible cores, that humans known as A-rabs are universally terrorists who love death and hate freedom, humans who happen to be black are predisposed to being lazy welfare cheats, humans from China are inscrutable aliens...

  78. Gromet4:46 PM

    Oliver Twist is conservative because it shows that through sheer pluck in a world without any nanny state at all, an impoverished orphan lad can achieve success as part of a super wealthy landed family.

  79. JennOfArk5:04 PM

    - One morning, Jonah Goldberg awoke to discover that he had not been transformed from a giant cockroach.

  80. XeckyGilchrist5:31 PM

    Nice belligerent-so, and no. I'm joking. If you stick around here for a while, you may see a few examples of the form.

  81. philadelphialawyer5:43 PM

    But is it "malware" when what looks like an official NRO thingy pops up on your screen over and over again saying "Page Cannot Be Found," or is that the folks over at NRO need a government "program" just to be able to run their stupid site correctly?

  82. The Shadow can only mock, it cannot make: not real new things of its own.

  83. Moby Dick is conservative because it shows that the Islamic world, embodied by Ishmael, cannot prevail over the leviathan of white culture.

  84. mgmonklewis6:07 PM

    "...and then I asked him [Reagan] with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
    would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around
    him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my [man-]breasts all Cheeto-y yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. FAAAAAAAART."

  85. mgmonklewis6:12 PM

    Bonus points for being able to make a Samuel Richardson reference without falling asleep mid-reference. Clarissa is conservative becau--zzzzzzzz...

  86. coozledad6:21 PM

    I was hearing that in the voice of Fionnula Flanagan until the man-breasts bit. Then it changed to Gllbert Gottfried.

  87. J Neo Marvin6:31 PM

    Stately, plump Jonah Goldberg came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of Cheetos in which two Star Wars figurines lay crossed. A yellow-and-brown stained length of toilet paper stuck to his shoe, unfolded, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned: "FAAAAAARRRRRRRRTTTTTT...."

  88. Bethany Spencer6:58 PM

    Right now, Duck Dynasty's, like, "The fuck--?"

  89. Farty McPie probably thinks the tragedy of Macbeth is that no one slew the three witches for tricking poor ol' Mac, who was simply ambitious and visionful.

  90. Eggs, because Mommy, and because compliant weak liberal hens just let you come up and take their children and eat them and oh no, Farty McPie just stained another pair.

  91. Wm Kiernan7:15 PM

    That's kind of amazing, and I wonder if it has anything to do with Borges's story "Pierre Menard, author of the Quixote."

  92. JennOfArk7:17 PM

    Friends, Americans, conservatives, lend me your research skills;
    I come to eat the Cheetos, not to praise them.
    The evil that men do lives after them on the Supreme Court,
    The good is oft FAAAAAAAARRRRTT

  93. Huh. I got it from Genette, and didn't imagine anybody ever found it funny before him, but maybe Borges did! Would be so cool.

  94. JennOfArk7:21 PM

    Is this a Cheeto which I see before me,
    Just inches from my hand? Come, let me eat thee.
    Art thou not, tasty processed cheese snack, sensible
    To feeling as to taste? or art thou but
    A Cheeto of the mind, a cruel hoax,
    Proceeding from the growling of my tummy?

  95. JennOfArk7:24 PM

    Also, too:

    I have begged
    Goldbergian opinions from all sorts of people.

  96. coozledad7:41 PM

    my mother's couch I fell into this job,

    And I lunched in the snackroom till my trousers
    nearly split.

    Six ways from Sunday, I tried to pry them loose,

    I awoke to find the Derb had singed them off with

    and I exploded in a welter of avocado shit.

  97. a conservative story

  98. reallyaimai9:22 PM

    No, the bed thing is true. But only a conservative would find that a reason to complain.

  99. Gerald Brilliant9:45 PM

    Don't be rude buddy, just let him do something unusual...

    Click here

  100. smut clyde10:11 PM


  101. harumph10:18 PM

    You're infringing on their right to burn themselves alive in their sleep. Tyrant.

  102. DocAmazing10:29 PM

    Septic tank pumping is an important and taxing task. Jonah would not be up to it.

  103. DocAmazing10:42 PM

    Hostess Sno-Balls have passionate fans. De gustibus non disputandum est, or something.

  104. DocAmazing10:43 PM


  105. that's how I could tell.

  106. BigHank5311:31 PM

    "Fiction" is a concept that's tough for a lot of political fanatics. I think it's because they've invested all of their suspension of disbelief in their Maoism or Randism or Hayek & Friedman fetishism.

  107. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume11:32 PM

    Well, Prince, I don't have time to look into it right now, but perhaps my readers can do some research on Genoa and Lucca?

  108. BigHank5311:38 PM

    Well, not too many people really give a shit about some knucklehead who offs themselves. One unfortunate coincidence, however, is that most beds tend to be located in houses, or sometimes hotels and apartment buildings, and when a knucklehead with one of your cigarettes sends himself to hell with an honor guard of nurses, washing-machine repairmen, and a couple of dozen rosy-cheeked toddlers, it tends to look kinda bad.

    So: self-extinguishing ciggies.

  109. I totally heard this in Samuel L. Jackson's voice.

  110. smut clyde4:41 AM

    Beginning and one ending for a book was a thing I did not agree with.
    A good book may have three openings entirely dissimiliar and inter-related
    only in the prescience of the author, or for that matter one hundred times
    as many endings, most of them referring to episodes of Star Trek or The Simpsons.

  111. Kevin Crockett4:45 AM

    A farting comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now. It is too late. The Farting still proceeds, but it's all theatre.There are no Cheetos inside the cars. No Cheetos anywhere.

  112. smut clyde7:12 AM

    They will deduce that it means something like "excellent, of the highest order" or maybe "exciting, hot."

    "Doubleplusgood" will suffice.

  113. Steely Dan approves this message.

  114. And, also, too, there is some ass-kissing in it.

  115. cleter8:18 AM

    It was the best of farts, it was the worst of farts.

  116. cleter8:21 AM

    "In a hole in the ground there lived a Jonah. Not a nasty wet hole, or a dry bare sandy hole, but a Jonah Goldberg hole, and that means comfortable load-bearing chairs, ample Cheetos, and the faintest whiff of sharts when the breeze blew off the Bywater."

  117. cleter8:26 AM

    Yes, and the whole thing was terribly unfair to tobacco companies like RJR, which are basically small mom-and-pops struggling to get by. Why, those cigarette regulations meant Ma Reynolds couldn't buy a new gingham bonnet that harvest season! For shame, liberals. For shame.

  118. -The stale Cheeto was the color of toejam, plucked from a sweaty ass-crack.

  119. Ellis_Weiner11:03 AM

    So it was a win-win.

  120. L Bob Rife11:35 AM

    J. cuts a fart, the sphincter cannot hold;
    Mere hackery is loosed upon the world;

    (with thanks to Bert Nix)

  121. That's what you seem to think I'm telling you.

  122. Mark_Bzzzz1:23 PM

    Breakfast of Champions is conservative because it includes a drawing of an asshole. My logic is inassailable.

  123. bekabot3:00 PM

    "Also, choco-mut ice creams is conservative 2. (FART.)"

    That's what you get for thinking with your sphincter full.

  124. bekabot3:13 PM

    The Grapes of Wrath is conservative because it makes Jonah think about food.

    (Especially fruit. And the "wrath" part is kind of like what happens to him when he eats too much. Fruit, that is.)

  125. He thinks the real tragedy is that the witches' cauldron wasn't full of hot dogs.

  126. TGuerrant7:32 PM

    Also too, Dickens! Libtards think he was against starving orphans, totally failing to recognize that he was a great innovator in 19th century conservaporn.

  127. TGuerrant7:33 PM

    And Queequeg knew his place.

  128. cleter9:49 PM


  129. Mooser12:10 PM

    Of course great novels are conservative! Have you ever heard of a great novel which suddenly decided to update itself? Of course not! Yup great novels are conservative! Once they're written, they refuse to change at all!

  130. Mooser12:13 PM

    "I bring this up only to note that Jonah Goldberg doesn't just have fans - he has passionate fans."

    Yeah, most of them are named "Gold Toe"

  131. Mooser12:16 PM

    Hmm, one does wonder if Goldberg waxes Roth, of course.

  132. Mooser12:18 PM

    "Geez, Jonah, you couldn't have let a week lapse in between those observations?"

    A writer who knows his audience always proceeds with confidence. Or a writer who forgot what he said last time he opened his pie-hole.

  133. Mooser12:21 PM

    "You don't know about me without...."

    The winnah! Loping home, comfortably ahead of the field.

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