Monday, August 19, 2013


From National Review:
Santorum’s Storytelling
As head of a Christian movie studio, he aims to change the culture... 
In June, [Rick] Santorum became CEO of EchoLight Studios, which produces Christian films. Santorum, who changed his own views on abortion as an adult, believes that if conservatives wish to gain converts, they must look not only to politics but also to the culture. 
“We’re losing this debate not because of politics,” Santorum told attendees last Saturday at the Family Leadership Summit in Ames, Iowa, the second annual gathering of the group by the same name. “Politicians didn’t change the culture — the popular culture changed America"... 
Santorum offers The Passion of the Christ as an example of a well-made movie that was also Christian. Other movies he cites as models of what he hopes to produce at EchoLight are Ben-Hur and The Song of Bernadette. “You used to have all sorts of movies that were very authentic in their Christian message, and it was mainstream Hollywood that made them,” Santorum remarks. “That has disappeared in the last 40 or 50 years.”
Coming soon from Santorum Studios:

The Song of K-Lo. In the 1990s, when all the other children in her small town of Chelsea, N.Y. are doing ecstasy and having sex, Kathryn Jean stays in her room studying the Holy Bible and Commentary.  One day she is visited there by a beautiful lady who glides around the room and tells her to write conservative essays. All the children and even the adults all laugh at her, but Kathryn Jean sticks steadfastly to her task and eventually ascends into an editorial job at National Review. In a touching coda, it is revealed that the beautiful lady was actually Rollerena.

God's Florist. In a dystopian future, America has gone totally gay; straight couples who dare walk hand-in-hand endure vile taunts by bitchy homosexuals, and come home to find their homes redecorated;  by government decree, all children must spend their 16th summer in The Castro; Hooters has been replaced by a new chain called The Meat Rack. The only citizen who will stand up to the pink tide is a brave florist who refuses to provide services to same-sex weddings. His righteous example sparks a revolution, and the gays, encouraged by savage beatings, flee the country, freeing men to triumphantly pat each other's asses without feeling self-conscious about it, and women to procreate and do laundry. Screenplay by Elizabeth Scalia.

The Palin of the Christ. Guilty only of patriotism, Sarah Palin is dragged from the Republican National Convention to the court of the liberal media. When asked, "What is truth?" she replies, "Well if you don't know I sure as heck ain't gonna tell ya, Four Eyes." Palin is made to run a gauntlet of Fox News programs and personal appearances until finally she perishes on Facebook. But political death is not the end, and Palin rises again at CPAC, where she is hailed as a goddess by an army of radio hosts who preach her Gospel to the world. "Well," says the risen Palin, "it just shows to go ya."

UPDATE. Oh my, commenters have outdone themselves with their own Santorum Studios movie pitches. There's Jeffrey_Kramer's Chuck Norris Facts: The Movie! ("So Chuck tips his cowboy hat, leaves, and fucks a sheep so hard he sets it on fire"); DocAmazing's Dennis Praeger Superstar ("about a Jewish kid who becomes popular by Speaking Truth to Power and is eventually betrayed by a ghostwriter who insists on his speaking in full sentences"); Diddler on the Roof ("A big song number is 'Sedition!'") from tigrismus; zencomix's Santorum and Delilah ("Eventually Santorum tells Delilah that he will lose his strength with the loss of his sweater vests"); and JayB's Black like My Friend the Black, "based on a true story Megan McArdle heard from a black person on a bus." But really, they're all winners.


  1. JennOfArk11:35 PM

    Sounds like Palin's gonna need those portable steps I proposed as a gift for her several years ago, so as to make it easier to climb up on the cross...though as someone else here noted the other day, the hard part is figuring out how she's gonna hammer in that last nail.

  2. Sounds like the actor playing Palin is improbably articulate.

  3. JennOfArk11:45 PM

    And just for the record...Dame Peggy Noonington has already done her bit by writing a screen adaptation of a hagiography of Reagan. It aired on TLC tonight under the title The Man With the 132 Pound Scrotum.

  4. Those first two items look all too likely to be funny.

    I think Hollywood is going in a hard-right direction anyway--right-wing pressure appears to be paying off, and the non-right-wing movies are losing money so the suits are desperate for anything that will seem to bring them profits.

  5. AGoodQuestion12:06 AM

    the hard part is figuring out how she's gonna hammer in that last nail.

    She's an American, not an American't.

  6. Spaghetti Lee12:12 AM

    What movies are you thinking of specifically?

  7. Spaghetti Lee12:15 AM

    One Man...One Dream...Two Hundred Pounds of Cocaine. THE BREITBART SAGA I: ORIGINS. Starring Vince Vaughn and featuring Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Ben Shapiro. Coming soon, whether you like it or not!

  8. miliukov12:26 AM

    you're a serious fucking national treasure roy

  9. DocAmazing12:27 AM

    Dennis Praeger Superstar--An admittedly overwrought musical about a Jewish kid who becomes popular by Speaking Truth to Power and is eventually betrayed by a ghostwriter who insists on his speaking in full sentences. They couldn't get Andrew Lloyd Webber to do the score, so they're going with Debbie Boone.

  10. montag212:28 AM

    Oh, what an invitation.

    Frothy Films Presents:

    "Battle Hymn of the Republic." General Jerry Boykin stars as John Rambo, who has recently been born again in Jesus, in an action-packed story of the assault on the Military Religious Freedom Foundation. Mikey Weinstein is played by everyone's favorite villain, Sharlto Copley, while Rick Santorum plays The President, Kirk Cameron plays F-22 pilot Roger "Resurrected" Retrograde. Ted Haggard plays himself.

    "Advise and Consent." The timeless story of Washington intrigue, retold from a Biblical perspective. Pee Wee Herman stars as Robert Leffingwell, John Hagee as Senator Seabright Cooley, Rick Santorum as The President, and Kelsey Grammer as Senator Brigham Anderson.

    "Seven Days in May." A wonderful remake of the "what if" story of the century. Starring Rick Santorum as General James Mattoon Scott and The President-Elect, General Jerry Boykin as General Riley, Kirk Cameron as Col. Martin "Jiggs" Casey, Kelsey Grammer as ex-President Jordan Lyman, Laura Ingraham as Eleanor Holbrook, John Hagee as Senator Prentice and Kevin Farley as Admiral Barnswell.

  11. DocAmazing12:32 AM

    I'm imagining the advertisements to the theater owners: "Santorum fills the seats".

  12. JennOfArk12:36 AM

    That last sentence was for reals. TLC showed a program tonight titled The Man With the 132 Pound Scrotum.
    I swear to god I'm not making this up.

  13. JennOfArk12:37 AM

    Or entertainment news headlines: "Santorum Surges at the Box Office."

  14. JennOfArk12:47 AM

    One of our regulars proposed Law and Order: Conservative Victims Unit here a while back...sounds like a natural for Santorum Studios.

  15. DocAmazing12:47 AM

    I looked for that on and found only this:
    which I must now locate and watch.

  16. montag212:47 AM

    The big question here is: who's going to play his three wives?

  17. montag21:05 AM

    Or, in Variety-speak: "Frothy Films Floods Flatland with Fabulous Fecal Flamboyance, Fans Fidget."

  18. JennOfArk1:11 AM

    Here ya go.

    Even better, there's a hashtag for "132lbScrotum".

    And because I am a bad person, of course I thought of this.

  19. Nik Marina1:41 AM

    I thought they already released World War G:

  20. Geo X1:42 AM

    Santorum offers The Passion of the Christ as an example of a well-made movie that was also Christian. Other movies he cites as models of what he hopes to produce at EchoLight are Ben-Hur and The Song of Bernadette. “You used to have all sorts of movies that were very authentic in their Christian message, and it was mainstream Hollywood that made them,” Santorum remarks. “That has disappeared in the last 40 or 50 years.”

    What's always interesting to me is that these people say things like this, but their religion is so inextricably tangled up with their culture war bullshit that they can say things like the above without even realizing that the connections they're making just aren't visible to normal people. What does a "Christian message" mean today, in the political sphere? Pretty simple: it means you hate gay people and abortion. The article makes this explicit when it says that "Santorum changed his own view on abortion as an adult." But let's say there were a whole bunch of Passion of the Christ knock-offs released every year. Santorum and his ilk are seemingly under the impression that this would make normal people come around to hating gays and abortion like he does, but there IS no tangible connection between Biblical epics and contemporary Christianist tenets. You only imagine that this connection exists if you're completely marinated in this particular ethos. It's the same problem with Chick tracts: there are specifics tracts with messages likes GAYS BAD, ABORTION BAD, and EVOLUTION BAD, but there are also kind of generic tracts that just urge you to accept Jesus: only how, I ask you, would anyone seeing one of these latter know that there's also this whole list of people and medical procedures and scientific facts that they're ALSO supposed to condemn? There seems to be the implicit idea that, oh, well, these condemnations would just come with the territory, but that's obviously not true.

    I guess the point I'm making is that efforts to create explicitly right-wing popular media are doomed in any case, but the fact that they don't even understand how THEIR OWN BELIEFS relate and don't relate to this media makes them EXTRA-doomed.

  21. Tehanu1:49 AM

    When asked, "What is truth?" she replies, "Well if you don't know I sure as heck ain't gonna tell ya, Four Eyes."
    You can't make this stuff up. I mean, I wouldn't believe you made this up if you swore it on the proverbial stack. This has to have been channeled directly from that gray mush Sarah calls her brain.

  22. Nik Marina1:51 AM

    IMO, this is all a grift. Santorum is trying to make money, and he knows this shtick will make him money. But, just because it's a grift, it doesn't mean we should take him lightly. Everyone should mock and abuse him for all it's worth.

  23. DocAmazing1:51 AM

    The part I like is the "About" section, wherein the network makes a stab at being sensitive about the poor guy's condition and the commentors can't laugh hard enough.

  24. Jay B.2:00 AM

    A Dinner Party It's Agatha Christie meets Bill Buckley, as one by one a dinner party of sneering liberals are silenced by the geometric logic and unassailable wit of the sole conservative guest.

    The Real Expendables A harrowing look at a chummy group of old people who enjoy their retirement living off an expanded Social Security program in a dystopian American future from director Ben Shapiro.

    Black like My Friend the Black A sensitive, unlikely interracial friendship forms between a plucky conservative gentrifier and the black single mother who lives next door, as the bootstrapping "Mrs. Black" starts to identify with Hayek's economic policies, based on a true story Meghan McArdle heard from a black person on a bus.

    Prescription of Death Who is behind the rash of euthanized deaths in Oregon? Liberals of course.

  25. JennOfArk2:08 AM

    I thought the blurring of the scrotum was pretty special. I mean, the fucker weighs 132 pounds! You can blur that bitch all you like and you're still going to see that it's flesh toned with what looks like hair on it. Reminded me of the old National Lampoon takeoff on Dick Tracy villains, with Harry Scrotum being one of the ones that never made it into the strip.

  26. Bingo. What Santorum wants isn't a Christian message, it's an extreme right-wing, misogynistic, pro-corporate message. Ben-Hur certainly seemed to assume the divinity of Jesus, which is fine and dandy, but I don't recall it having anything to say about abortion.

  27. "What have you got?"

    "Victim is a 43-year-old Caucasian male. According to eyewitnesses, he entered the bar around 8:40 pm and started talking to a group of people. Apparently they laughed at his ideas about a flat tax and called him a racist because of his, um, colorful descriptions of President Obama. Around 11:30 pm, he left the bar mumbling something about 'damn hippies.'"

    "They called him a racist?"

    *nods somberly* "Yes, sir."

    *sigh* "I'll never understand the monsters that roam this city."

  28. MBouffant2:41 AM

    Santorum, who changed his own views on abortion as an adult

    Ah, that explains a few things.

  29. And yet she American't finish a term as governor or pay her contractors despite being pretty wealthy.

  30. Yeah, conservatives are remarkably shameless about fleecing even each other.

  31. Presumably he changed it from "only if a good conservative wife really needs one" to "no, not even then." Because that kind of moral relativism is a slippery slope!

  32. Another Kiwi4:46 AM

    Bring me the Head of Saul Alinsky Mild mannered mall cop Rick Righteous (Rick Santorum) gets tired of damn hippies coming around and talking about political theory in their oh-so-trendy "Coffee shop". He's not going to take it any more godless spawn of Satan!

  33. thefritopundito5:21 AM

    " it is revealed that the beautiful lady was actually Rollerena.". OK, Roy, you are getting a dry cleaning bill for making me spit up my coffee laughing. So you knew Rollerena? We were likely in the same places in NY in the late 70s, never knowing each other (OK, nobody knew me....)

  34. Pope Zebbidie XIII5:39 AM

    He can't even get his head around "the last shall be first and the first shall be last". Who does that apply to if not to the heads of movie studios?

  35. redoubt8:15 AM

    They are aware, are they not, of Hollywood's overseas markets, that sometimes make even more money for Hollywood than domestic releases?

    No, instead a bunch of cramped, angry xenophobes want to make movies that could potentially go all over the world. Can you dub or subtitle context?

  36. tigrismus8:58 AM

    You've got to think someone constantly striving for wealth and worldly power maybe hasn't internalized that message.

  37. I think they're hoping to corner the Russian and Ugandan markets, and to hell with everywhere else.

  38. tigrismus9:05 AM

    Diddler on the Roof...? A big song number is "Sedition!"

  39. Halloween_Jack9:20 AM

    Ted Haggard plays himself.

    ...naw, too easy.

  40. Mark_Bzzzz9:21 AM

    I guess there could be a 'Mr. Cruz goes to Washington' where he charms everyone with his clever wit and homespun wisdom, along with a little snazzy gunplay. He saves us from thy tyranny of government services by shutting down the entire government. He could be played by Michael J. Fox, who is also a Canadian.

  41. satch9:53 AM

    Put me down for a remake of *Masada*, where the last true conservatives at the CPAC confab barricade themselves in the St. Charles Convention Center in St. Louis and vow to fight to the death against the liberal media and the depraved progressive hordes who want to crush them under their bootheels. The liberal hordes and the citizens of St. Louis in general react with massive boredom and just go on with their lives, while the conservative factions, led by Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Mark Levin, and Ted Cruz, fall into squabbling amongst themselves over who is a REAL conservative. Because the attendees of the convention were all allowed to pack concealed firearms, tragedy ensues when, since no one is willing to back down from their positions, a firefight breaks out, and all the conventioneers are massacred in the crossfire. When asked by the media covering the event for their reactions to the tragedy, passersby ask: "Oh... was there a convention here?"

  42. Mr. Wonderful10:15 AM

    Mocking and abusing him IS taking it lightly. Carry on, everyone.

    It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World - Rollicking screwball comedy in which Jesus (Rick Santorum) returns from Heaven to lead the army of the righteous (Phyllis Schlafly, Tony "Not the Actor, The Other One" Perkins) against the Anti-Christ (Ellen de Generis) and the forces of evil. Screenplay by Roger Simon. Uncredited cameo by Fox and Friends as "The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

  43. Mikey Weinstein is played by everyone's favorite villain, Sharlto Copley

    It would be worth it, just for the greater exposure. As it is, the Conservosphere keep managing to blame all the complaints over flagrant UCMJ violations on "Muslims," when they mean "Jewish veteran."

  44. Nah, "only if my good conservative wife really needs one" would presumably still be operational, if she were young enough.

    You know how we talk about how so many conservatives are against something until it personally affects them, leading to an epiphany? (E.g., Senator Portman on gay rights, kinda. sorta.) Fortunately, Ricky avoids that trap. He opposed abortion under all circumstances before his wife needed to have labor induced pre-viability to save her life, made the call that any of us would have made in that situation, then immediately resumed opposing abortion under all circumstances. No empathy or moral development for Ricky, no sir!

  45. mortimer200010:37 AM

    If God's Florist is as hilarious as this write-up I'll pay good future-gay money to see it. I found these others on his web site:

    40 The story of a brutally victimized conservative who overcomes leftist bigotry and prejudice to become President Ronald Reagan.

    The Combover Donald Trump owns a casino strip club and sells patrons rufies disguised as ecstasy. They disappear for the rest of the movie while Donald tells us more about himself (original title, Despicable Me.)

    Meet Joe Blah A ridiculous fantasy where a blowhard in a sweater vest thinks he's a moral leader.

    Pacific Rim JobHey, it's a Santorum movie, isn't it?

    I just hope he takes the Tyler Perry route and intros each movie title with Rick Santorum's....

  46. zencomix10:47 AM

    Santorum and Delilah:

    An army of Philadelphians went up and demanded from 3000 men of Jersey to deliver them Santorum. With Santorum's consent, they tie him with two new ropes and are about to hand him over to the Philadelphians when he breaks free. Using the jawbone of Rush Limbaugh, he slays one thousand Philadelphians. At the conclusion of Judges Judy and Wapner, it is said that "Santorum led an Israel Lobby for twenty years in the days of the Philadelphians."

    Later, Santorum goes to Philadelphia where he stays at a harlot's house. His enemies wait at the gate of the city to ambush him, but he rips the gate up and carries it to "the hill that is in front of The Liberty Bell."

    He then falls in love with a woman, Delilah, at the Brooks Brothers store. The Philadelphians approach Delilah and induce her (with 1100 Gold Plated 9-11 comemmorative coins) to try to find the secret of Santorum's strength. Santorum, not wanting to reveal the secret, teases her, telling her that he will lose his strength should he be bound with fresh bowstrings. She does so while he sleeps, but when he wakes up he snaps the strings. She persists, and he tells her he can be bound with new ropes. She ties him up with new ropes while he sleeps, and he snaps them, too. She asks again, and he says he can be bound if his locks are woven together.She weaves them together, but he undoes them when he wakes. Eventually Santorum tells Delilah that he will lose his strength with the loss of his sweater vests.

  47. Jeffrey_Kramer10:50 AM

    Chuck Norris Facts: The Movie!

    Chuck Norris walks into the Capitol building, and all the Democrats die of exsanguination from pissing blood in slow motion close-ups. Then Chuck stares at the RINOS, who turn into rhinos, then explode in slow motion close-ups. Then Chuck causes AR-15s to appear in the hands of all the remaining true patriots and leads them out to shoot the everloving fuck out of all the Muslims and atheists and abortionists and liberals and queers and
    illegals and takers and moochers and elitists and evolutionists and ATF agents and IRS employees and labor union leaders, because they're thugs. Then a voice comes from sky saying, “Please don't hurt Me, I'll give you anything you want” and Chuck says “I want... President RICK SANTORUM.” And behold, Rick appears with that shitty grin on his face and says “thanks, Chuck, I'll take it from here.” So Chuck tips his cowboy hat, leaves, and fucks a sheep so hard he sets it on fire.

  48. Jeffrey_Kramer11:10 AM

    In their heart of hearts the "Christian" movie they really want to make is the straight, full-length version of Djesus Uncrossed.

  49. XeckyGilchrist11:36 AM

    I'm pretty sure this is why Citizens United is not the godsend the cons thought it would be - there is no honor among thieves, and the take just got to be too big to resist.

  50. XeckyGilchrist11:38 AM

    Seconded, and so are the commenters. I love you people.

  51. XeckyGilchrist11:40 AM

    You know Hollywood - they don't use mumblers, mushmouths, foreigners, or ugly people.

  52. Budbear12:06 PM

    Davey And Goliath: The Movie

  53. teresa12:07 PM

    Culture War is Santorum code for "bad daddy wants spank some naughty butt."

    These christian right men are always yammering on about how awful it is that the whole human race doesn't blindly obey them and it's just not right they should be treated as anything other than the center of the universe. Nut jobs.

  54. DocAmazing12:09 PM

    Perhaps they could do to Veggie Tales what they did to : lots of noise and explosions, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson dressed as a cauliflower.

  55. tigrismus12:18 PM

    "bad daddy wants spank some naughty butt."

    You know, he might make better money releasing films than I'd thought.

  56. Budbear12:36 PM

    "God Trek: The Search For Schlock"

  57. Budbear12:46 PM

    Perhaps, "Harry Potter And The Righteous Indignation", whereupon all the wizards get burned at the stake, Hogwarts is razed and salt is spread on the ground where it once stood.

  58. RogerAiles12:46 PM

    Air Bud, A Sensual Obsession

    Triple threat Rick Santorum wrote, directed and stars in this semi-autobiographical tale of a boy and his dog. Rated NC-17 (No dogs under age 119 admitted).

  59. Make it a double feature with "Turtle Wax On, Turtle Wax Off", an original screenplay by John Cornyn.

  60. Al Swearengen1:12 PM

    “The Bad News Herp-Derps”

    A plucky band of losers and outcasts, led by Ted Cruz, travels to DC on only a few billion Koch dollars. Joining the K-Street League, the scrappy scamps find that no politicians will take their money, because they’re already completely sated with money from 100 other lobbying operations. Will their lobbying season be a bust?

    Starring Pat Buchanan as the drunk manager. The Ghost of Andrew Breitbart as the foul-mouthed mascot.

  61. ADHDJ1:35 PM

    "Passion Play"

  62. Mooser1:40 PM

    I know when I'm completely outclassed. I'll just read and enjoy.

  63. Mooser1:45 PM

    "...naw, too easy"
    Okay, then, he'll play with himself..

  64. Mooser1:47 PM

    I have always maintained that almost every "conservative" idea can be traced to its source-film or TV show, and this is a great wrinkle on that. I'm enjoying the heck out of it.

  65. Gromet2:08 PM

    Lee Stranahan, Breitbart guy, writes emails designed to inspire creativity in conservatives. A lot of the emails end up being about how busy he is so he wasn't artistic this weekend and he feels guilty about it. Others are harangues telling you to stop making lame excuses and go be artistic. Last week's was probably his most problematic yet, for two reasons. First, because his starting premise is that liberals own the arts and use them for effective propaganda... but this email seems to say (who knows exactly what it says!) that art succeeds when it is beautiful, and fails when it's politics... which caves in his starting premise that art is liberal propaganda we need to fight. Right? Adoy oy oy. Have a look, here's the whole email:

    Your ideas don't matter. Your execution does.

    Your. Ideas. Don't. Matter.


    Your. Execution. Does.

    This is more true in art than anything else.

    The movie not made. The song not recorded. The novel imagined in vaugue outlines but never written.

    All tragic and useless.

    Pick an idea.

    Do it.

    The second reason this email is a problem/lulz is that he seems to have no idea how art works -- style and ideas can't really be divorced, right? Imagine a poorly written Lolita, or an On The Road by Updike. Ideas and "execution" aren't independent in art. Right? Well, maybe I'm wrong but "My ideas don't matter!" hardly seems like the self-help nostrum that got Joyce through Ulysses.

  66. StringOnAStick2:15 PM

    Hey, you go where the money is.

  67. satch2:19 PM

    And when the detectives go to the victim's office at J P Morgan Chase to interview his co-workers, they find them all fighting over the victim's corner office, his client list, his mistresses, his Bentley, and his parking space. There are so many possible suspects, the detectives throw up their hands and realize this is one case they'll never solve...

  68. Halloween_Jack2:25 PM

    I wonder if The Palin of the Christ could be done simply as a supercut of the different reality shows that the Palins have been on--four by my count (five, if you count errant baby daddy Levi Johnston's tour on My Life in the D-List). Plus all of Caribou Barbie's argle-bargle on Fox.

  69. satch2:29 PM

    Aw... knock it off, ya big lug...

  70. satch2:38 PM

    "Mocking and abusing him IS taking it lightly."

    Ha, Libs... Sen. Santorum wears your scorn like a badge of honor!

  71. Well of course Ricky-Tick cited Ben Hur as a great movie. After all, he knows his Gore Vidal like the inside of his...well, let's just say everyone's fave sanctimonious closet-dweller can quote very extensive passages of Myra Breckinridge, and leave it at that.

  72. XeckyGilchrist3:41 PM

    And the Hogwarts Express is privatized, so the only way to find Platform 9 3/4 is to pony up and pony up big - or maybe that's a different movie.

  73. XeckyGilchrist3:48 PM

    She's an Amer-I-could-totally-do-that-if-I-felt-like-it-but-I-don't-feel-like-it.

  74. Rick can direct and star in a light-hearted family comedy about a couple that brings a dead fetus home to meet the family, a "Weekend at Ricky's" sort of thing.

  75. That would certainly appeal to the notoriously lazy Palin.

  76. Francis4:25 PM

    Air-powered nail gun with the trigger on backwards, tied to a finger with a piece of string

  77. XeckyGilchrist4:34 PM

    And yet... we don't have to imagine a poorly-written Atlas Shrugged, and liberals all tremble before its might. Because of the ideas!

  78. Provider_UNE5:14 PM

    Black like My Friend the Black

    Sir, I would be happy to ship both gift wrapped internets to any location of your choice...

  79. Or like a sweater vest of honor

  80. montag25:41 PM

    Well, I see my problem right away. It's been those damned "vaugue outlines."

    I knew I shouldn't have used them.

  81. TGuerrant6:03 PM

    Patricia Heaton would be perfect at Chuck's chaste, Christian babe.

  82. MikeJ6:26 PM

    Lord of the Purity Rings
    Freda Baggins, a 13 year old girl, accepts a ring as a promise to stay pure for a man named Gandalf wielding a big staff. And let there be no doubt about it, Gandalf is WHITE.

  83. Uh, "Ben-Hur"?

  84. redoubt6:34 PM

    You may have something there, given that these people think Spanking The Monkey should be something anti-Obama. . .

  85. PulletSurprise6:48 PM

    Thirty Two Short Films about Jonah Goldberg (a/k/a The Goldberg Variations, a/k/a FART! The Musical) - The book Liberal Fascism is broken up into 32 emissions, and each segment reveals an aspect of the life and work of the Doughy Pantload.

  86. It really astounds me that when Hollywood wants an ugly woman, they take a gorgeous actress and ugly her up. See Exhibits A, B, and C.

    Whereas there are plenty of ugly male actors in Hollywood. You don't suppose there's some kind of double standard at work here...?

  87. hellslittlestangel8:21 PM

    The Rapture: A shot-for-shot (minus the sex, nudity and cursing) remake of the original, with a coda in which god and the heroine's daughter eat popcorn while watching her mother suffer the torments of hell.

  88. Mallard Fillmore Part I A knockoff of Howard the Duck except all of the human characters (including the human woman sleeping with Mallard) are stereotypical-liberal strawmen too incompetent to tie their own shoelaces yet operating a worldwide media conspiracy.

    The focus of the plot will be Mallard wanting to rescue a child sent to the death chambers for biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun, so that said child can make "dust angels" on Mallard's filthy apartment carpet; however, Mallard never actually gets up from his La-Z-Boy, poking his groin at the audience throughout the entire film.

    "I loved it! A film for America! Speaks truth to power! ...What do you mean it hasn't been made yet?" -- True Bincsley, Independent Film Reviewer

  89. deggjr9:13 PM

    ... made the call that any of us would have made in that situation ... true, but we would have made that call for any woman instead of limiting the call to the mother of our children.

  90. whetstone9:34 PM

    "The Passion of Jonah of Pantload," in which, at threat of execution, Doughy is tested to see if he has any belief that cannot be qualified, or shaken by his dog's need to go on a walk.

  91. horatius9:57 PM

    Hagrid shrugged?

  92. horatius10:02 PM

    Who was executed in that book? I can't say I bothered to read it.

  93. All The President's Men: A documentary on Barack Obama's special relationship with Reggie Love.

  94. Jeffrey_Kramer10:39 PM

    I should have noted that the bit with the sheep wasn't mine, it was Hank53's comment from the "Obama Sutra" report, but I thought it was so fresh and unforgettable that... anyway, it was homage and not plagiarism so stop saying that.

  95. Jeffrey_Kramer10:42 PM

    Santorum Studios would also like to say that in an act of principled resistance to the anti-Christian persecution carried out by the Obama administration in the name of "animal rights," the sheep really was set on fire in the making of this movie. Three sheep, actually: one in rehearsal, one for the final cut, and one just for shits and giggles. Bonhoeffer would ask no less of us.

  96. Jeffrey_Kramer10:55 PM

    It's possible that the scenario they have in mind goes, 1) put out their Ben Hur II, the Ben-Hurtening movie, 2) wait for the MSM critics to give it less than a unanimous four-star rating, 3) bask in the glow of martyrdom, as a shocked nation finally recognizes the utter depravity of the liberals who could persecute the innocent Christians and take away their first-amendment rights this way, 4) Profit: the country rises up against liberal tyranny and elects Santorum.

  97. Jeffrey_Kramer11:07 PM

    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo: the real hero of the series, Minister Cornelius Fudge, has everybody who protests against inhumane prison conditions thrown into that inhumane prison, then has everybody who protests against having everybody who protested against inhumane prison conditions thrown into prison, then....

  98. Lurking Canadian11:29 PM

    As Jesus approached Golgotha, which is the Place of Skulls, he said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not that I am about to open a can of whup-ass upon them such as the Promised Land hath never seen."

  99. Lancelot Link7:59 AM

    Hollywood won't go too far to the right except in special cases, because that tends to depress foreign sales.

  100. montag28:02 AM

    Well, except for Sylvester Stallone and his star voice pupil, Vin Diesel.

  101. redoubt9:25 AM

    (I think they already made that movie; it was called "The People Josef Stalin Didn't Have Shot" )

  102. XeckyGilchrist11:21 AM

    All the moochers and looters in the world, and everyone who was ever mean to Ayn Rand.

  103. Cat butler7:11 AM

    I personally can't wait for him to team up with Glenn Beck for that holiday treat 'The Christmas Sweater Vest.'
    There won't be a dry lap in the house.

  104. bekabot8:39 PM

    Naw. Super-powerful blow-dryer.

  105. bekabot9:47 PM

    I like this whole thread indiscriminately. Consider this a blanket like.

  106. DeistPaladin9:16 AM

    Ironically, "God's Florist" sounds like a movie that might tell bigoted straights what it might feel like if they were treated the way they treat gays. In fact, it sounds a bit like a powerful YouTube short movie on what if straight were gay.
    Didn't Jesus say something about "do unto others..."?
    And any time gays want to redecorate my house while my wife and I are away, they're welcome to. I'm sure my wife would agree.

  107. E.A. Blair11:01 AM

    A gauntlet is thrown down; what's run is a gantlet.

  108. E.A. Blair11:03 AM

    And is played by an actor who is not gay.

  109. BigHank5310:48 PM

    I'm just complimented that someone liked the line enough to remember it, never mind re-use it. Thanks!