Thursday, June 13, 2013

A FAN'S NUTS.

Let's see what those scamps at kulturkampf site Acculturated are up to. R.J. Moeller:
Our post-modern, secularized, relativistic culture does not quite know what to do with “true believers.” Not, at least, when it comes to deeper questions of mankind’s existence and our relationship to the Divine. We’re strong-to-quite-strong when it comes to dealing with stuff like vapid celebrity Tweets, the YAC (yards after catch) racked up by our favorite fantasy football player, or the “controversy” of an under-performing new movie on its opening weekend. We’re lousy with politicians and pundits who tell us what we want to hear. 
But give us a prominent man or woman with strong, articulated, uncompromising values in the public square–especially if these values are of the traditional, Judeo-Christian variety–and people freak out. 
Enter: Timothy Richard Tebow.
Yes, it's a paen to the world's most famous backup quarterback. Moeller wonders aloud why people are always talking about Tebow's religiosity, and blames a corrupt press ("I dare you to read a single article or column on Tim Tebow that doesn’t make multiple references to his evangelical faith or [lamely] attempt to weave religious-sounding puns into the text of the piece") rather than Tebow's propensity to spontaneously take a knee, make anti-abortion ads for Focus on the Family, and otherwise inform the world at large that he's down with the King.

Also:
As a young religious American who grows increasingly weary of the “Get-Out-of-Jail Free” card that is offered to anyone in our popular culture who espouses spiritual beliefs in literally anything other than Christianity, I am glad that Tim Tebow exists and continues to fight the good fight.
I'm having a hard time thinking of any actors or rock stars who make a big deal of their Zoroastrianism or whatever, at least not since Madonna was playing at Kabbalah in, when was that, 1988? But I don't follow the NFL closely, so maybe that's what he's talking about. Are there Orthodox Jewish players who daven on the field, or Muslims who call a timeout to pray to Mecca? Because then maybe I'd start paying attention again.

I will post here Moeller's closing only because I know many of you refuse to click the links and I don't want you to be deprived:
But I won’t be devastated if I wake up one morning and find a headline about Tebow having a child out of wedlock or about him being rounded-up by police after an all-night Jack Daniels-fueled bender. 
Why? Because my hope is in Him, not Tim. And from every discernible indicator he’s ever given the public, so is Tim’s.
That's just magnificently bad, plus it inspires a wonderful vision of Tebow staggering unshaven and disheveled out of a police station and, as he genuflects for the cameras, blowing a titanic whiskey fart.

136 comments:

  1. And when you pray, you
    shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the
    synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by
    men.

    -Matthew 6:5

    ReplyDelete
  2. Matt Jones9:45 PM

    Like Moeller and co. ever read anything but the fire-and-brimstone bits that tell them who to hate.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tehanu9:48 PM

    Triplanetary, you beat me to it! I don't object to people believing; I object to them parading around like they're Jesus' BFF. Particularly when Jesus himself told them to cut that shit out.



    There are plenty of athletes who do good solid charity work -- raise money for sick kids for example -- and as far as I can tell, they don't limit that work only to those who belong to the same splinter cult of "true believers" (People's Liberation Front of Judea, anyone?) that they do. And Moeller, reveling in ignorance like most of his cohorts, obviously never actually read Eric Hoffer on "The True Believer" -- or he wouldn't have used the term.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Derelict9:52 PM

    Why is it that people like Moeller demand that we worship those who worship?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Spaghetti Lee10:20 PM

    Honestly, I haven't seen anything from Tebow himself that suggests he's not sincere. Skip Bayless, however, is the Attention Whore of Babylon.

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  6. Spaghetti Lee10:37 PM

    Ask any football fan what they think of Tebow and one of the first things that comes to mind is how the media can't stop slobbering over this guy who has struggle to complete half of his passes. That's the novelty, not the Christian-ness. Jeez, Moeller, Kurt Warner and Ray Lewis not Jesus-y enough for you? Moeller is fighting the dumbest, most reality-denying strawman I think I've ever seen: a sports media who is scared of Tim Tebow and doesn't want to talk about him. Has Moeller been locked in a cell with an internet connection that only gets Deadspin? That's the only explanation I can think of.

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  7. montag211:05 PM

    In a way, Christianity has become what the CIA calls a "self-licking ice cream cone." The mandate to spread the Gospel justifies the sort of public displays of faith that have defined Tebow for many. For evangelicals, it is a repudiation of their faith--and religious persecution--to complain about them shoving their faith in the faces of others, because of the mandate. (This is also the motivation behind innumerable political efforts to fold Scripture into otherwise secular law.)

    But, what has undone Tebow, I think, is that he happily (if benignly) encouraged the press to publicize his faith (which, to him, was fulfilling the mandate) and this inevitably led to vague speculations in his college years that his abilities were divinely ordained (observations which Tebow was not inclined to discourage).



    Of course, when he turned out to be Canadian Football League material, there would inevitably be a somewhat sarcastic backlash dependent upon Scripture (principally, "Oh, God, why have You forsaken me").


    Tebow probably believes still that glory in football is yet more glory to his god. But, in the world of men, all glory is fleeting.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Chris Lyman12:02 AM

    An all-night bender with Joe Kapp would be the best thing that ever happened to Tim Tebow.

    ReplyDelete
  9. montag212:20 AM

    I would guess that Moeller and others find criticism of Tebow's play a backhanded attack on his faith, because Tebow himself has promoted the view that the two are linked (and, c'mon, anyone putting Biblical verse citations under his eyes before each game is linking faith and football).



    But, if Moeller really wants to understand the intersection of Christian faith and football (and I doubt that he does), he needs to read Peter Gent's North Dallas Forty, not whine about how Tim Tebow is being treated in the press.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard12:26 AM

    those scamps at kulturkampf site Acculturated


    Kute Kuddly Kutups?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard12:29 AM

    The second-best thing... the best thing that could ever happen to Tim Tebow would be a one-night stand with Jason Collins.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Henry Holland12:30 AM

    I'm a huge sports fan and one of my favorite things about watching them on TV is the post-game interview where the athlete can't wait to praise Jeebus for his team's glorious win. Just once, I'd love for the interviewer to say "Well, you were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs last year and your team hadn't made the playoffs in the 12 years before that, why did God forsake you then?".


    As for Tebow, while I'm not a fan of Bill Belichick, I did love how he conducted the first press conference after Tebow signed with scum from Foxboro. It was packed with reporters, including some who aren't on the sports beat, and he just shot them down, gave terse non-answers and then basically told them that there's no way his press conferences, which he only does because the NFL forces him to, were going to be all Timeh, all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard12:35 AM

    "I read it for the violent parts."

    ReplyDelete
  14. mgmonklewis12:57 AM

    ^This x1000. As a lame, midwestern, Scandinavian Lutheran, I'm incredibly sick of quasi-religious egomaniacs claiming Christianity for themselves. Blech. Cthulhu ftagn!

    ReplyDelete
  15. mgmonklewis12:59 AM

    The Onion nails it: "Ground Emerges As Tebow's Favorite Target." http://www.theonion.com/articles/ground-emerges-as-tim-tebows-favorite-target,29210/

    ReplyDelete
  16. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume1:38 AM

    my hope is in Him, not Tim


    Jets fan, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  17. mortimer1:41 AM

    It's not like football and faith conflatin' don't have no precedents:

    Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life,
    End over end neither left nor to right,
    Straight through the heart of them righteous up rights,
    Dropkick me, Jesus, through the goal posts of life.
    Make me oh make me, Lord, more than I am
    Make me a piece in Your master game plan
    Free from the earthly temptations below
    I've got the will, Lord, if You got the toe

    (With apologies to Paul Craft)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Spaghetti Lee1:47 AM

    Kool Kids' Klub.

    ReplyDelete
  19. ColBatGuano2:24 AM

    I think you meant Arena Football League material.

    ReplyDelete
  20. "the “Get-Out-of-Jail Free” card that is offered to anyone in our popular culture who espouses spiritual beliefs in literally anything other than Christianity".
    I... I huh? This isn't just nonsense, this is some weird new form of ANTI-sense. What metaphorical jail is he even talking about? Or maybe he's being literal and whenever like, a hindu, is pulled over for speeding he or she just cooly lifts up their sunglasses, raises an eyebrow, and goes: "Check the Holy Cow decal, Officer!" and burns rubber.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  22. montag26:29 AM

    Oh, it's just more "we're the real victims!" bullshit. It's part of Christianity's DNA. Coliseums, lions, etc. Anyone preferring to keep the public sphere secular, for the most part, is part of the Satanic World Conspiracy to Deny Christians Their Faith. Anyone mocking them for their frequent trips into fringe territory is a Satanic blasphemer. These days, just ignoring them is enough for them to sic an exorcist on you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Oh, I know. They're suffering the terrible grief of not always being automatically catered to. Which in itself is a weird version of Christianity, the megachurch-megabucks one.

    ReplyDelete
  24. MBouffant8:31 AM

    The title forced audible amusement sounds from me.

    a young religious American who grows increasingly weary of the “Get-Out-of-Jail Free” card that is offered to anyone in our popular culture who espouses spiritual beliefs in literally anything other than ChristianityWhereas the Christian “Get-Out-of-Helll Free” card is loudly accepting Jesus H. as your personal savior at any time before your death & all is forgiven.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Halloween_Jack9:34 AM

    By "jail" they're meaning "public disapproval of regressive attitudes toward women and LGBTs." Because the two are exactly alike, you know.

    ReplyDelete
  26. JennOfArk9:35 AM

    Triumph of the swill.

    ReplyDelete
  27. gocart mozart9:42 AM

    Professional athletes often praise the FSM whenever they make a great play. Wait, that's on Bizarro Earth. Never mind.

    ReplyDelete
  28. JennOfArk9:42 AM

    "the “Get-Out-of-Jail Free” card that is offered to anyone in our popular culture who espouses spiritual beliefs in literally anything other than Christianity".
    Uh...maybe he ought to spend a few minutes talking to the three (former) boys from West Memphis, who spent half their lives in an Arkansas jail because the ignant townspeople believed they were Satan worshippers.

    ReplyDelete
  29. gocart mozart9:45 AM

    I'm hoping for someone to someday say "I would have caught that TD pass but fucking Jesus made me drop the football."

    ReplyDelete
  30. Halloween_Jack9:49 AM

    Even if he only read Deadspin, their numerous references to ESPN's fawning coverage of Timmeh should have clued him in, if he weren't clue-allergic. (Deadspin seems to sometimes spend as much time attacking other sports media outlets and pundits as they do actually covering sports, although it seems that they've been trying to limit their potshots at Grantland to two or three times a week.)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Budbear10:03 AM

    I thought I was the only one who sees him as a potential Col. Frank Fitts.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hah! Wait'll Gronk gets hold of Timmy and drags him out to Vegas for a party weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Mr. Wonderful10:13 AM

    Really. I'd buy a hat and eat it if, just once, a wide receiver who bobbled and missed a td pass in the end zone took a moment to shake his fist in righteous rage at the Almighty in Heaven. All these Judeo-Christians act toward God as though THEY are HIS parent: He gets the praise when something good happens, they assume the blame when something bad.

    It's almost as though religious belief is irrational.

    ReplyDelete
  34. montag210:22 AM

    Hey, share the credit--an ignorant, bigoted judge and a downright imbecilic police department played a huge part in their tribulations. In fact, it wasn't until those two were out of the picture that Echols, Misskelley and Baldwin got anything resembling a real hearing.



    But, then, I guess Moeller has never had a bunch bugfuck-crazy, bone-stupid Christians on the warpath after him. (More likely he'd be one of the mob.)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Halloween_Jack10:24 AM

    It's amusing to get out of the boat (even if I've got my hip waders on and have put on clothes that I was going to toss out anyway) just to see that Moeller grudgingly admits that most of his fans don't really give a shit about the game, either. That puts Timmeh squarely in the ranks of Christian celebrities whose work is inferior to their more secular peers (some of which are pretty devout, but maybe a bit more mindful of Matthew 6:5, as noted by Triplanetary), and generally get overpraised by Christian quasi-separatists because of their ostensible purity. Moeller tries to talk up Timmeh as an unjustly-persecuted believer by noting that "plenty of talented NCAA football players who have stellar college campaigns and then come to the NFL...struggle and eventually fizzle out of the league", without quite coming around to admitting that, by that standard, Timmeh would have already done fizzled himself into a job coaching at some bible college, and the only reason why he's still limping through one of the most embarrassing pro careers in recent memory is the hope that he'll bring in a few more John 3:16 types to the stands (and the souvenir and jersey sellers).


    Plus, of course, that closing para, in which we find out that the God of Moeller's imagination can never fail, but can only be failed; Timmeh's not the only one who's making bank off the soft bigotry of low expectations.

    ReplyDelete
  36. It has been done:

    http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/11/29/wide-out-blames-god-for-dropped-ball/



    I understand hats taste pretty good when smothered in BBQ sauce.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard10:50 AM

    This touches on something that I've been cracking wise about for years... the god-botherers inhabit this parallel universe where everything sucks just a little more than in the real world, where Sturgeon's Law (as it is popularly perceived) states that 98% of everything is crap. They listen to second-rate music because the musicians claim to be christian. They consume second-rate comedy by pious pabulum pushers. Their trashy romance novels are less salacious, their biker gangs less threatening.


    Basically, it's an all-Flanders, no Simpsons kind of world.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Mr. Wonderful10:52 AM

    "I am glad that Tim Tebow exists and continues to fight the good fight."

    What fight is that, exactly? The fight to flaunt his religiosity in, not the public sphere, but the professional one? I'd pay good money to see Moeller's reaction if he were pulled over by a cop whose first words were, "Allahu akhbar."

    Or does the good fight consist of printing "GOD'S AD HERE" under one's eyes before (Gawd help us) a football game, and then manfully "enduring" the "persecution" of people reacting to it?

    I can't decide whether the most salient characteristic of these noodniks is their hypocrisy or their smugness. Moeller, "young religious American" that he is (are you listening, David Bowie?), not only has his beliefs, but is delighted that one of them holds that YOU secretly think his are better than yours.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Get Chutney Love10:54 AM

    I like Jeff Stilson's take on it:

    I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'

    ReplyDelete
  40. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard10:55 AM

    As a young religious American who grows increasingly weary of the “Get-Out-of-Jail Free” card that is offered to anyone in our popular culture who espouses spiritual beliefs in literally anything other than Christianity


    Goddamn, the projection is strong in this one- is there a bigger cop-out than claiming to be "born-again", thereby getting a clean slate? Are there any "liberal" figures equal to Gingrich, Sandford, or Vitter, all world class sinners who are given their "get out of jail free card" by the very rubes who worship Tebow?

    ReplyDelete
  41. sharculese11:01 AM

    Wingnuts: basically Alex from A Clockwork Orange.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Magatha11:03 AM

    It would be kind of cool if a player, when asked if he felt blessed to have won the game, responded like that Oklahoma woman and said "Actually, I'm an atheist". (But only if the interview asks twice, like Blitzer did.)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I think Tebow needs a "Get out of the closet free" card.

    ReplyDelete
  44. sharculese11:06 AM

    In Dreams With Sharp Teeth, one of Ellison's better rants is about how every time he hears that he thinks, "Really, so you mean the creator of the universe has a vested interest in making sure your opponent loses a sporting event? That seems rather petty of him."

    ReplyDelete
  45. realinterrobang11:07 AM

    I might remind you that Canadian football has 10 more yards to the field and one less down, and seems to be predicated mostly on speed, agility, and brains (which is why our guys tend to be tiny by NFL standards).

    Tebow would suck in the CFL, thank you very much, as I gather that besides sucking at playing football, he's not overly bright either...

    ReplyDelete
  46. realinterrobang11:08 AM

    With worse taste in music.

    ReplyDelete
  47. sharculese11:12 AM

    The penalty for writing a yet another long sulk about how Tim Tebow is persecuted for being a Christian should be a permanent wedgie, not to be undone until you write a sincere, two-thousand word apology showing that you understand what a total fucking clod you've been.

    ReplyDelete
  48. montag211:12 AM

    Ah, yes, that's why all our top college stars hope to be drafted first by the CFL....

    ReplyDelete
  49. sharculese11:14 AM

    "I dare you to read a single article or column on Tim Tebow that doesn’t make multiple references to his evangelical faith or [lamely] attempt to weave religious-sounding puns into the text of the piece"


    Can ya'll imagine the eye-popping rage Moeller would exude if he thought the media wasn't mentioning Saint Timmy's Christianity enough?

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  50. So basically they live in Leave It To Beaver land?

    ReplyDelete
  51. i think I don't really care.

    ReplyDelete
  52. No, they live in a land without beavers,

    ReplyDelete
  53. Jeffrey_Kramer11:33 AM

    Our post-modern, secularized, relativistic culture


    And that's when I clicked "close tab."

    ReplyDelete
  54. tigrismus11:48 AM

    Pfft: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ufwukWgKfI

    ReplyDelete
  55. Jay B.11:52 AM

    We’re lousy with politicians and pundits who tell us what we want to hear.


    But give us a prominent man or woman with strong, articulated, uncompromising values in the public square–especially if these values are of the traditional, Judeo-Christian variety–and people freak out.


    So...Politicians tell you what you want to hear, but no politician talks about religious values in the public square? Where is this paradise? I think we need more lions as it is, so maybe I think the kid just doesn't realize just how fucking idiotic he sounds to someone who has been alive for the past 40 plus years.

    Enter: Timothy Richard Tebow.


    Porn title.


    Seriously though, as a Pats fan, I don't care much for the move. The guy is a sub-standard football player. But as a fan of deep noir cynicism, I applaud Bill Belichick for doing something sinister, even if I can't quite yet figure out what it is. I see (in a quick search to see how to correctly spell Belichick) that thinks along similar lines.


    The atheist in me wants to believe that he's setting him up to fail in some spectacular way that actually drives Christians to give up the ghost once and for all. Now, yes, the "why have you forsaken me" angle has already been played up, but maybe it's hookers and coke and stem cells sucked directly from embryos. I don't know yet. But evil geniuses have a way. He must. In Bill I Trust.

    ReplyDelete
  56. sharculese11:54 AM

    So I skimmed the whole thing looking for the part where Moeller gets around to illustrating the "contagious dynamism" of the title, because Tebow's public persona has always seemed to me to be carefully crafted to define 'magnetism' by exhibiting it's total absence, and I can't help but notice that he never actually gets around to doing so.

    ReplyDelete
  57. TGuerrant11:55 AM

    My mandate now is to seek every possible opportunity to use the term, "self-licking ice cream cone."

    ReplyDelete
  58. What do I know, I only believe in coyotes and time as an abstract,

    ReplyDelete
  59. Jimcima12:05 PM

    I anxiously await the modestly talented Hindu NFL player who credits Lord Hanuman at his every post-game press conference.

    ReplyDelete
  60. The guy who won the Heisman two years after Tebow, Mark Ingram, is every bit as religious as Timmeh. And like Tebow, he has kinda sucked in the League.


    He's also black, so you know. Doesn't matter as much I figure.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Duncan12:17 PM

    The thing is, what Moeller complains about -- the bad puns, the harping on personal irrelevancies -- is what sports reporting is all about. Case in point: Linsanity.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Tbowfan12:30 PM

    Then Moeller added, "But if he turns out to be gay, the fucker's dead to me."

    ReplyDelete
  63. rickmassimo12:54 PM

    "Jeez, Moeller, Kurt Warner and Ray Lewis not Jesus-y enough for you?"


    There are in fact dozens if not hundreds of NFL players who wear their Christianity on their sleeves as plainly as Tebow. But most of them are black, so, you know ...

    ReplyDelete
  64. KatWillow1:28 PM

    It would make more sense for them to blame teh Devil, wouldn't it? I wonder why they don't?

    ReplyDelete
  65. But I won’t be devastated if I wake up one morning and find a headline about Tebow having a child out of wedlock or about him being rounded-up by police after an all-night Jack Daniels-fueled bender.

    HELLO! Tebow works for the Dark Side already.

    http://www.comicsbeat.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/belicheck_palpatine.jpg
    ~

    ReplyDelete
  66. satch1:59 PM

    *Yawn* Why can't we just come right out and say it... the Pats just bought themselves the most expensive holder in the history of place kicking teams.

    ReplyDelete
  67. mortimer2:11 PM

    maybe it's hookers and coke and stem cells sucked directly from embryos

    Nah. I'm expecting more likely revelations about some kinky entrepreneurial thing he does with his cache of Filipino foreskins. Just like the eye-black verses and the one-legged kneel, it's all about marketing.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Marcus2:13 PM

    I add that dropping to a knee and affecting a "Thinker" pose following every single touchdown obliterates the meaning of the word "spontaneously".

    ReplyDelete
  69. Al Swearengen2:27 PM

    "But give us a prominent man or woman with strong, articulated, uncompromising values in the public square–especially if these values are of the traditional, Judeo-Christian variety–and people freak out. "



    That explains why Superman never took off here as a franchise!

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  70. I also think this may have sounded snide to fish, Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Jay B.2:37 PM

    I like to think it's why Rick Santorum is crying quietly in a dark room somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Get Chutney Love2:54 PM

    I think a lot of Fundies think that everything good in their life is from God, all evils stem from the Devil. Outside of the church, they don't like to talk about Satan because they have the primitive religious psychology that to speak the name of a demon or black god is to increase ones' chances of encountering them or having them come into ones' life.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRx7fU2Y0UA

    ReplyDelete
  73. Gromet4:07 PM

    The line "my hope is in Him, not Tim" embodies in 7 words why I'm not more religious. Usually in church I find an all-encompassing drive to simplify and cliche-ify and rhyme-ify and cute-ify in the sermons and among other churchgoers. Generally a drive to make the world as dumb and flat as possible. I might go more often if belief were about deep mystery and the cloud of unknowing, about navigating the contingency of morality and the integrality/integrity of doubt. But nah. Here's a simple rhyme you can take home! Watch it erase all thought and put a self-satisfied smirk on your face! Oh and plus remember, sex is wrong!

    ReplyDelete
  74. LittlePig4:21 PM

    Thank you dear. Redoubt let that hang straight and slow, and you belted it out of park.

    ReplyDelete
  75. JennOfArk5:48 PM

    This reminds me of that rather off-putting phrase, which of course once I heard it etched itself indelibly in my mind: "Ain't gonna suck itself." Which could be modified to fit the "self-licking ice cream cone" format, if one were prone to devising repellant terms.

    ReplyDelete
  76. JennOfArk5:54 PM

    No shit. The judge should have been kicked off the bench for even allowing the prosecution to introduce all that stupid ass "devil worship" bullshit, which had exactly zero to do with any damn thing. And that police chief wouldn't be able to pour shit out of a boot with the directions written on the heel.

    ReplyDelete
  77. mrstilton7:04 PM

    "Watch: it's the only wallet in the world that, when you rub it, turns into a briefcase."

    ReplyDelete
  78. Substance McGravitas8:25 PM

    But I won’t be devastated if I wake up one morning


    Others are less than thrilled.

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  79. If sex is wrong I don't wanna be right.

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  80. Nor does he provide a single shred of evidence that Tim Tebow is vilified or looked down upon outside of TMZ following him around or SNL spoofing him - which pretty much describes every celebrity ever, religious histrionic or not.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Mr. Wonderful9:05 PM

    Not so fast, T. Tebow is "Juicebox Jesus" to Tbogg. That's gotta hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Jeffrey_Kramer9:20 PM

    If you really want to see Peak Wingnut sports wank, take a look at Conservapedia's list of "Overrated Sports Stars." When Peyton Manning came to Denver and displaced Touchdown Jesus, Andy Schlafly's sober, evidence-based take on it was:

    Peyton Manning — a washed-up player who won only one NFL championship, the liberal media treated him like the Second Coming of Christ in order to oust conservative Tim Tebow from his leadership position in the swing state of Colorado prior to the Presidential Election 2012.

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  83. Verily, no man has suffered like the Tebow, for he hath borne the stripes of our inquity.

    ReplyDelete
  84. My feelings exactly. Drive down practically any country road in America and see those church marquees by the roadside featuring the Weekly Church Sign Pun.


    I think the only thing that attracts puns more than protestant churches is the sport of tennis.

    ReplyDelete
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  89. Henry Holland11:35 PM

    Why pick on Peyton Manning? Peyton is a registered (R) who gives to (R) politicians, he's probably as conservative politically as Timmeh.


    Oh right, silly me, Peyton doesn't wear eyes strips with John 3:16 written on them or thank his Lord and Savior after every win.

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  131. "That seems rather petty of him."


    This sentence works pretty well as a substitute for shouting "Amen" at fundamentalist church services.

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  132. But as a fan of deep noir cynicism, I applaud Bill Belichick for doing something sinister, even if I can't quite yet figure out what it is.

    This has been my reaction, too. I went from "What. The. Shit." to laughing at Deadspin's article, to wondering if Belichick simply saw the chance to pick up, e.g., a possible wide receiver** on the cheap, and if he doesn't make the cut, who cares?*** But I can't shake the notion that there's something else at work, something more malevolent. Perhaps it involves Belichick's ongoing bargain with the Deep Ones.****

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  133. If he had said "well-articulated," though, Rick would be on shakier ground. Also with "uncompromising," unless there's an official doctrine that says "It's okay to induce labor outside viability to save my wife's life, but yours can just die already." Which, yeah, there definitely is. Never mind.

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