Tuesday, April 16, 2013

ALSO TOTALLY CONSERVATIVE: THOSE DELICIOUS BALLPARK FRANKS.

You knew it was coming -- from John Boot at PJ Media:
5 Core Conservative Values in the New Jackie Robinson Biopic 42
Among these:
2) There’s no substitute for a strong, loving nuclear family.
Demonstrated thus:
Robinson never knew his own father, who left his mother and her five children when Jackie was still a baby. In 42, when he gets the good news that the Brooklyn Dodgers want to give him a shot at being the first black player in the major leagues (in reality, there were some black players in the early days of baseball back in the 1880s), Jackie phones up his girlfriend Rachel (Nicole Beharie) and asks her to marry him right away. Later in the film, Jackie is seen cuddling his newborn son Jackie Jr. and telling him, “I’m going to be with you till the day I die.” Robinson, who along with Rachel raised two other children as well, was as good as his word, remaining a family man until his too-early death at age 53.
I'd like to see an extended version, in which scenes of Robinson eating prove the conservative value of nutrition.

UPDATE. In comments, Doghouse Riley: "The part about how Robinson -- who called himself an independent, but supported Republican candidates -- left the party after what he witnessed of the '64 convention and became a Democrat? Demonstrates the conservative value of voluntary deportation, I suppose."

122 comments:

  1. Wait, a fatherless son was raised by a single woman and turned out okay? Inconceivable!

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  2. Doghouse Riley1:13 PM

    The part about how Robinson--who called himself an independent, but supported Republican candidates--left the party after what he witnessed of the '64 convention and became a Democrat? Demonstrates the conservative value of voluntary deportation, I suppose.

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  3. tinheart1:16 PM

    Although PJ Media ignored the element of Robinson stealing bases that clearly belonged to somebody else.

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  4. Let's take a look at the rest of that list:

    1) Merit is colorblind.

    An ironic comment from the Charles Murray side of the spectrum, but of course he's talking about affirmative action, or quotas, or whatever else conservatives whine about that doesn't really exist.

    3) If you want to get noticed, work hard.
    4) Turn the other cheek.
    5) When you get knocked down, don’t whine, get back up.



    And there she is again, that old stereotype of the liberal (minority) ninny waiting around for the government to do everything for him while blaming his woes on everyone else. I wonder if conservatives really believe all that, or if they're just pretending to feel better about themselves.

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  5. Oh, come now. Remember, Jackie Robinson's children are, if anything, even more famous than their dad. That's no coincidence. That's the power of a family headed by a heterosexual couple joined in Christian matrimony. (I added the qualifiers which Boot considered went without saying.)

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  6. Anonymous1:28 PM

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  7. There’s no substitute for a strong, loving nuclear family.



    Which is why Jackie Robinson was such a shiftless layabout.

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  8. Derelict1:30 PM

    Yep, can't have a movie without it conveying some sort of political message.

    We've moved way beyond the old Soviet practice of viewing everything by its political lights. We're now in some sort of giant conservative Rorschach test where even the shapes of the clouds and the movements of insects portend great conservative lessons.

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  9. sharculese1:39 PM

    The only time PJ Media will ever ignore a story about a black man stealing something.

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  10. sharculese1:40 PM

    "If you sit quietly and wait your turn, we'll get around to giving you equality one day."


    Yeah, that's one's had a great track record.

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  11. Cargo1:45 PM

    The doughy white dudes in the stands shouting racial epithets at a pioneering black man? Totally liberals.

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  12. 4) Turn the other cheek.

    Someone really needs to come up with an expression for this. Something like "Follow the advice I'm giving you, even though I am obviously not doing so myself," only catchier.

    don’t whine



    And with that, the entire conservative blogosphere disappeared up its own assholes.

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  13. If only President Obama had had a strong, loving nuclear family when he was growing up. He might have become a Republican president.

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  14. sharculese1:58 PM

    If you look closely you can see he's wearing a name tag that says Robert Byrd. (White) devil's in the details.

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  15. sharculese2:00 PM

    So... I haven't seen 42 and don't really plan to, but based on the ads and everything I've read about it, it seems like the people behind it went out of their way to suck anything that might be called 'political' out of it and make it a feel-good, 'look how far we've come' story. But no, everything has to be political for these assholes.

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  16. sharculese2:03 PM

    Well you saw the way he just stood there and waited for the ball to come to him. A strong family would have given him the gumption to take it right out of the pitcher's hands.

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  17. aimai2:15 PM

    That's not a Rorschach test, its living in an enchanted, semi mystical, religious space where the petals of the apple blossom fortell our lord's crucifixion etc..etc...etc...

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  18. aimai2:17 PM

    I think it must be the right moment to post this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSlC7BxmSqY Do not hesistate to click on it and all will be revealed.

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  19. When you get knocked down, don’t whine, get back up.

    Words of wisdom courtesy of Chumbawamba.

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  20. montag22:34 PM

    You mean he's not?

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  21. 1) Merit is colorblind. It also can't do math. Which is why it doesn't notice that women and minorities get paid less than men for doing the same work.

    2) There’s no substitute for a strong, loving nuclear family. Except an intern. Or a wealthy heiress. Or a second intern. Or a Brazilian reporter. Or a prostitute. Or a gay prostitute.

    3) If you want to get noticed, work hard. If you don't want to work hard, take advantage of family connections. Maybe have your mommy record the story the President of the United States dipping his wick into an intern. Or have your daddy be the president of AMC Motors.

    4) Turn the other cheek. Unless your country is attacked by terrorists. Then savagely attack an unrelated country, murder its population, destroy its political system, healthcare system, and infrastructure. And then grouse that it wasn't thankful.

    5) When you get knocked down, don’t whine, get back up. Then declare the election results illegitimate. Or a result of minorities having been bought off with your tax money. Arm yourselves, threaten to secede and/or overthrow the government if you don't get your way, declare the president to be a treasonous usurper, and begin finding ways to subvert the laws of the land.

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  22. Jay B.2:39 PM

    "1) Merit is colorblind.

    An ironic comment from the Charles Murray side of the spectrum, but of course he's talking about affirmative action, or quotas, or whatever else conservatives whine about that doesn't really exist."

    It's ironic in that context of course. But it's also ironic because there were several generations of Hall of Fame black players who couldn't fucking play in the "major leagues", so what fucking merit?. The whole point about Robinson wasn't that he was the necessarily the "best" black player, it was that he'd be the one who could best hold it together (while being a great ballplayer) in the face of relentless racism. Merit clearly wasn't "colorblind", considering Josh Gibson and Cool Papa Bell never played in the majors. Jesus, Hank Aaron played in the Negro Leagues in 1952, five years after Robinson went into the MLB.

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  23. And hence the racism underlying conservative "colorblindness" proves to be, as usual, thinly veiled. The message behind the dog whistle seems to be: "Jackie Robinson was the first black player who worked hard enough to become good at baseball instead of sitting around waiting for the gubbamint to put him on a team because of affirmative action."

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  24. This election is too important to leave to shallow talking points.

    HAHA TELEPROMPTERS RIGHT GUYZ

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  25. BG, ribbons in my hair2:46 PM

    Perfect.

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  26. Hollywood movies about racism are usually actually about giving white people a chance to pat themselves on the back. See also: Glory, The Help.

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  27. montag22:55 PM

    And, so continues the conservatives' neverending quest to own the culture, by theft, when necessary. I'm looking forward to the day when they claim William O. Douglas as one of their own, and Eleanor Roosevelt, and Joe Hill. No doubt the effort to appropriate Pete Seeger will begin moments after he's buried.



    It's not enough to let laissez faire corruption transform the political landscape. Erasing the past, or making the past conform to the present, seems equally important. Hmm. Seems to me there was a book about that once, but I'm having a difficult time remembering....

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  28. tigrismus3:15 PM

    That thing undermined itself constantly, it was either a good parody or the worst real support video EVER.

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  29. Davis3:44 PM

    These people ruin everything they touch. I'm so glad I can go see a movie without worrying whether is is "liberal" or conservative".

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  30. casino implosion3:45 PM

    I don't know why it annoys me so much that these morons divide every single thing in the world into either "conservative" and liberal, ie "dogs: conservative....cats:liberal", but it does.

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  31. John Casey3:45 PM

    "1) Merit is colorblind."


    Absolutely true. Before Jackie, not a single Negro baseball player was capable of playing baseball at the Major League level.

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  32. GregMc3:47 PM

    I think the real moral of this story is how Robinson helped Pee Wee Reese overcome the racism that had kept him down. Where's HIS movie? It could be sort of like the Green Mile.

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  33. GregMc3:48 PM

    They did call her MOTHER Jones, after all. What's more conservative than that?

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  34. montag23:53 PM

    Let's put it this way--if Louie Gohmert runs for President, Nick Searcy is gonna fall in love.

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  35. tigrismus4:01 PM

    In that case, I hope he'll make him an ad, too!

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  36. ColBatGuano4:08 PM

    Now you went and ruined Justified for me. Happy?

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  37. Yeah, I really slow pitched that one over the plate, didn't I?

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  38. montag24:21 PM

    At my age, those about the only thing I can hit any more.

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  39. aimai4:21 PM

    I understand that white ball players just forage for bases because they need them, during times of great difficulty while Jackie Robinson looted his.

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  40. aimai4:22 PM

    Mwahahahahahah.

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  41. LookWhosInTheFreezer4:28 PM

    We're now in some sort of giant conservative Rorschach test where even the shapes of the clouds and the movements of insects portend great conservative lessons.



    When the female mantis kills and devours the male, it's an obvious metaphor for Feminism.

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  42. BigHank534:45 PM

    Holy crap. A whole roomful of professionals worked on that, edited it, and then uploaded the stinking thing instead of just calling it a wasted day and getting drunk instead. Wow. Just....wow.

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  43. professor fate4:46 PM

    When knocked down get back up - and then in 1949 when Branch Rickey agreed with Robinson that there was no longer a need to hold back -- drop a drag bunt forcing the pitcher to cover first base and then run over him - people stopped throwning at Robinson so much after that.

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  44. whetstone5:22 PM

    But where did those Republicans go? Rand Paul and I would like to know. When you find out, could you also tell us why there aren't any Dodgers fans in Brooklyn anymore?

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  45. M. Krebs5:37 PM

    Is there anyone named Boot who isn't an asshole?

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  46. ADHDJ6:36 PM

    You forgot Cheetomancy, divination based on patterns of cheeto dust on your fingers.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methods_of_divination

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  47. mgmonklewis7:05 PM

    I entreat the Cumaean Sibyl to instruct me in the ways of Cheetomancy so that I may be worthy of liking this comment.

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  48. satch7:56 PM

    Hmm... y'know, I'm thinking they got drunk first...

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  49. satch8:00 PM

    Why didn't I see it before? Jackie Robinson is the Dr. Ben Carson of baseball!!!

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  50. Tudor Jennings8:20 PM

    What a moocher! :(

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  51. I believe you're referring to that great conservative author George Orwell.

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  52. MikeJ8:52 PM

    When will they make a movie about the real victims, all those white players who weren't allowed to play in the Negro leagues?

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  53. Excellent idea!

    I hope Roger Lichtenberg Simon get right on it.
    ~

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  54. Duncan11:14 PM

    "Vengeance for me, but not for thee", maybe?

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  55. Horta Dubstep11:27 PM

    I want to boost a couple cases of Pampers with this comment.

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  56. j_bird12:34 AM

    I clicked over and found this under 3):


    In the movie, he’s shown diligently learning two new positions (a former shortstop, he had to learn both second base and first base to play for the Dodgers) to help the team. His work ethic endears him to fellow Dodgers Pee Wee Reese and Ralph Branca, who treat him warmly even as some other players demand to be traded away.



    So... if you work really hard (while black), you might get a few people to think you're kind of cool, but you'll still have a bunch of your own teammates ready to move to another town to get away from you. That's a reassuring lesson.

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  57. j_bird12:40 AM

    Next article at PJ Media: "As Long As Governments Exist for the Purpose of Murdering Muslim Apostates We Are All Enslaved"

    I ... almost want to read it?

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  58. witlesschum12:45 AM

    Apropos of not much, I read recently that research in the wild has suggested that female mantises eat their mates very rarely. Apparently, the conditions found in laboratories is perfect to trigger the behavior, but it in the wild it's pretty uncommon.

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  59. witlesschum12:54 AM

    In Glory at least the white colonel died for racial equality and got buried in an unmarked grave with his black soldiers. And, y'know, it was mostly a true story. The main thing they make up is the composition of the 54th Massachucets, which was made up almost entirely of free blacks from the north. Frederick Douglass' kids fought in it, for instance. The movie shows the troops as mostly escaped slaves, which was true of the U.S. Colored Troops as a whole.

    There's a bunch of racial weirdness in that movie, to be sure. The whole character arc of Denzel Washington's character, for instance. Or am I not getting it?

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  60. montag23:55 AM

    Only if Ben Carson were the Booker T. Washington of neurosurgery.

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  61. montag23:57 AM

    Well, Max is an asshole, but, maybe "Das" was not an asshole, but, rather, an accident waiting to happen.

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  62. redoubt7:06 AM

    Well, Effa Manley and J.L. Wilkinson might want a word.

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  63. I am in this werid grip of something... rarely felt. Could it be awe at sheer eloquence? YES!

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  64. Well, it didn't ruin it for me, since now I just picture him as the asshole security guy from the 7 days science-fiction show starring the younger, less talented Lapaglia. Seriously, though? Herman Cain?

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  65. satch7:14 AM

    If ya can't beat 'em, co-opt 'em...

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  66. redoubt7:16 AM

    In 1947 the actual second baseman was Eddie Stanky-- a man who was born in Philadelphia, but chose to live in, and accept the racial attitudes of, Alabama. Once he was traded to the Boston Braves the next year he took up where he left off.

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  67. So it really was all a ploy by feminist science.

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  68. So... I haven't seen 42 and don't really plan to,

    Eh, you're not missing much. Lots of repetitive running, a not-very-canonical characterization of the Doctor, and the catchphrase "Burn with me" over and over. It and "Gridlock" were the weakest episodes in Series Three, IMHO.

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  69. I would like to give this comment a lovely present from the trunk of my British motorcar.

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  70. BigHank538:46 AM

    Because most people figure out subtlety by the time they're four. (Inside voice versus outside voice, schedules, etc) This is the same tactic as a child acting stupid on purpose, but it's against the law to spank an unconsenting adult. Not that it would help much anyway.

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  71. aimai9:47 AM

    Its like they don't grasp the concept of regression to the mean (sic). If Jackie Robinson was five feet tall and the child of a broken home, it stands to reason that the children of Jackie Robinson and his wife in their happilly married home will be at least six feet! We can be sure that in a couple of well wedded generations the entire Robison Clan will be 9 foot 8 or taller. Progress through virtue! its assured!

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  72. aimai9:48 AM

    Thank you. It was so infelicitiously expressed that I didn't think y'all would like it.

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  73. glennisw9:48 AM

    Hmmm...that account of the Robinson family values sounds a whole lot like some half-Kenyan socialist and his nutrition and exercise loving whitey-baiting wife.

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  74. DocAmazing9:52 AM

    See also : Mississippi Burning, which bore as much relationship to historical truth as Gone With the WInd.

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  75. aimai9:54 AM

    I know, right? I think this deserves to be taught in some kind of anti-rhetoric class, maybe by SEK over at Lawyers Guns and Money. The frame by frame and dialogue analysis is pricelessly confusing. As Tigrismus says it undermines itself like some kind of coprophilic worm orouborous (sorry, just read Roger Ebert's review of The Human Centipede). I had a lot of fun arguing with Mr. Aiamai and the Oldest Aimaiette about who the target audience was. Mr. Aimai thought it was natural born oldster GOP/teapartiers but I think they honestly thought they were aiming for youngsters and trying to undermine Obama's "cool" factor (which is something which is supposed to appeal only to the yutes).


    But here's my question: did they mean the house the woman goes into to be an OUTHOUSE? Because that's what it seemed to be, to me. The notion that Searcy follows her into an outhouse with the flowers is beyond werid, but I guess its harder to do props and set design with morons than I would have thought.

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  76. aimai9:55 AM

    Well, we did burn atlanta--that's my favorite part of the whole movie.

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  77. aimai9:56 AM

    beat me to it. Damn you.

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  78. Halloween_Jack9:56 AM

    OK, the whole mustard question needs to be framed with the stipulation that there's nothing inherently wrong with yellow mustard. If you don't like turmeric, fine, but it's an entirely legitimate condiment (I say this as a brown mustard man myself). As for the method of cooking the franks, well, we hope for grilled but settle for boiled.

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  79. Halloween_Jack9:58 AM

    Only if Booker T. Washington were the Dave Chapelle of education.




    ...wait, what?

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  80. aimai9:59 AM

    Some people have fantasy baseball teams--I have fantasy barbecues with the Alicuratti. I wish to have a barbecue without yellow mustard with this comment. Brats, Hot Italian Sausage, Mergueze Sausage, and a Meze spread.

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  81. Halloween_Jack10:03 AM

    "I will work harder."


    --Boxer, Animal Farm

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  82. Halloween_Jack10:07 AM

    The epitome of this genre has to be Cry Freedom, a stirring story of a white South African journalist's brave decision to emigrate. Some attention is paid to a minor black character, Steven something-or-other.

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  83. Halloween_Jack10:14 AM

    If this didn't...

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  84. Mr. Wonderful10:32 AM

    "Hi. I'm international film and television star Nick Searcy. Stick around for the end of this spot, where, in my international professional capacity, I can't remember a three-word line. Plus, I dissed the makeup artist like a frat boy idiot and drink alcohol on the set. If you can't take a tip from me about who to vote for President, who can you take a tip from?"

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  85. Mr. Wonderful10:34 AM

    Either that, or female mantises are all followers of the cult of Heisenberg.

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  86. Mr. Wonderful10:41 AM

    Not so fast. When visiting my sister in VA I had Ba-Tampte (the pickle company) yellow mustard, and it was a revelation. Pity I can't find it here in L.A.

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  87. redoubt10:47 AM

    Nature writer William Boot, but he's naive. And fictional.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoop_(novel)
    (Dis-cuss won't let me embed links for some reason)

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  88. Mr. Wonderful10:52 AM

    It's not just that everything is "political." It's that their method of reading things politically is to use a yoga mat as a Procrustean bed, making the object of their analysis fit only by hacking it up with a chain saw.



    Or, to change the metaphor, their version of cultural criticism is to actual criticism as a four-year-old putting on mommy's dress and makeup is to an actual woman getting dressed. It's not so much what they do (which is tedious in its tendentiousness) as the way that they do it (i.e., presenting a supposedly intellectual argument in either a pig-ignorant or completely intellectually dishonest way).

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  89. As a guess, this looks like Searcy's attempt at self-deprecating humor, which only goes to show that cons have trouble with both self-deprecation AND humor.

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  90. Jeez... not even a conservative would BOIL a hot dog... would they?

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  91. "Infelicitously expressed"? You do realize that one of the upvotes was from someone who used "disappeared up its own assholes" in this very comment thread?

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  92. "Co-opt"? Like, one of those leftist supermarkets?

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  93. OK, the whole mustard question needs to be framed with the stipulation that there's nothing inherently wrong with yellow mustard.

    Dude, there's a classic barrel-motif squeeze bottle of Plochman's in my refrigerator right now. Part of the appeal is sentimental, but still.

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  94. [Weeps silently into Cubs T-shirt]

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  95. Yeah, I'm sure conservatives will have nothing but praise for Sasha and Malia's future endeavors.

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  96. TomParmenter11:39 AM

    The burning of Atlanta was staged using the sets from King Kong.

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  97. Guestington P. Gorcestershire11:54 AM

    A lot of this sort of thing can be explained by the desire to do social commentary (or a need to fill a column) without talking to any actual human beings, or doing anything like, you know, work. It basically limits you to making observations about things presented to you on a screen in your living room or at the local Cineplex.

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  99. LookWhosInTheFreezer12:09 PM

    Yeah but you probably read that in some sort of liberal science rag, or "peer reviewed" (we all know how scientists puch those hidden agendas) paper. The Bible and/or urban legend, are the more definitive source for conservatives.

    Seriously though: thx, that's an interesting reality check.

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  100. Oh God... don't tell me they boil the hot dogs at Wrigley Field...

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  101. M. Krebs12:23 PM

    Boiled weenies can be pretty good. But grilled and somewhat burnt is best.

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  102. Microwaving them plumps them nicely.
    ~

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  103. That's how I know the inventor of the roller grill was a liberal...

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  104. I think all that byplay with the line girl and the makeup artist was to remind people if everything they think they know and hate about Hollywood and actors. The thing the fil makers don't seem to grasp is that you can't simultaneously invite the audience "backstage" and into the confidence and company of the actor--dropping his actor arrogance--and also run a simultaneous "act" about an arrogant incompetent actor. It's got to be one or the other. Searcy isn't a good enough actor to pull this off but it's really the script writers fault because they couldn't figure out which message to send.

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  105. That explains the bones of a giant ape.

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  106. I knew it! It was all a conspiracy, just like the moon landings!


    ...Oh, you... you meant in the movie...

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  107. I can just imagine what a barrel of laffs Searcy must be around the craft table during production breaks.

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  108. aimai1:33 PM

    I think that "get noticed" is the tell, here. It assumes a world in which jobs and success are given not by a just universe, or even a free market, but by someone who has to "notice" you, who has to "pick you out of the crowd." Its basically the (real) Horatio Alger version of success in which a plucky good looking (!) boy gets elevated because of his excessive servility to a good hearted rich man. "Getting noticed" is the exact opposite of "hard work" or "doing the job" its all about being seen to be useful to people with money, jobs, or power.**

    And, of course, you could "get noticed" and then shot, say, if you were working hard and also union organizing. Getting noticed really has a very different valence for lots of people than it does for the upper classes who are always on the lookout for new servants.

    **In fact "getting noticed" is something Susan Faludi puts her finger on when she describes the entire backwards culture of the pop warner clubs in a decaying suburb--the smart kids quickly realize that getting noticed involves creating a brand identity, a quirky, sexy, noticeable style that strangers and reporters and scouts can identify and latch on to. Just playing well is not enough. You have to "be noticed" in order to be lifted out of the muck and mire of the other losers. This leads these kids down some pretty dark paths seeking celebrity at any and all costs.

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  109. ColBatGuano1:54 PM

    Are you trying to make me cry? Because you did.

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  110. ColBatGuano1:57 PM

    Yeah, their failure to see that having a douchebag endorse the candidate isn't a winning political strategy is heartening. It means they will never be able to reconcile their contradictions.

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  111. BigHank532:27 PM

    The boilers are fueled with dashed hopes and broken dreams.

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  112. redoubt3:00 PM

    [Joins mds in weeping]
    As well they should; everyone knows you don't buy hot dogs at Wrigley. You get a Vienna Beef hot dog from one of the 6,873 restaurants near the park.

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  113. Howlin Wolfe5:43 PM

    All those lists that the tireless wingnut propagandists make, of cultural works that illustrate "conservative" values derive from a corollary to the axiom that "Conservatism cannot fail; it can only be failed." If a value is good, it's conservative; if not, it's, oh, I suppose, left, liberal, pick yer bogeyman.
    Like conservative ideology, the word "conservative" basically means "good", so how can the "good" fail? Which means if some values help people and are a benefit to society and its institutions, they are good and therefore, conservative! We're all conservatives! Which doesn't mean a goddam thing.

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  114. Howlin Wolfe5:45 PM

    Athletes must have more sense than a lot of people, especially any Republican who claims to be moderate. Charles Barkely said he was a Republican until they "lost their minds", to his perception.

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  115. Charles Barkley has enough sense to shut up and jam, at least.

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  116. satch6:22 PM

    But enough about baseball. Now, somebody needs to get to work on a Lee Elder biopic.

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  117. Tehanu10:57 PM

    You know, in real life, they were publishing a newspaper in Atlanta 3 weeks after Sherman & the boys left. He's my hero, but I do fault him a little for not sowing the place with plutonium.

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  118. billcinsd11:28 PM

    Crash?

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  119. JoyfulA8:58 PM

    Yes, our local newspaper cited that, this day in 1863, five black men (gave their names, ages, and occupations) from Middletown, PA, enlisted in the 54th Massachusetts. Many signed up from this then-rural area, according to the anti-Lincoln, antiwar rag quoted.

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  120. Plantsmantx12:01 PM

    "Turn the other cheek" is a conservative value? That's news to me. I have a sneaking suspicion they reserve that "conservative value" for black people.

    ReplyDelete