In this article I have three objectives. First I want to discuss what would happen to a lone wolf fighter if he tried to be effective without aid and assistance. Next, I want to distinguish between thinking tactically and strategically concerning survival. Finally, I want to describe things that might catalyze the need to invoke such plans, from rogue, illegitimate groups to patriots who will not relinquish their their second amendment rights, regardless of the consequences.This cowboy makes Reynolds' other rebel buddy Bob Owens look like David Frum. Here's his poetic description of what renegades who don't play by society's rules will go through during the fraternity-hazing "Lone Wolf" phase:
Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness, your personal stench is merely disgusting. By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can cause serious diseases. Within another week your feet develop a cocktail of fungal infections, and within another week the skin begins to fall off of them.
Around this time sores develop across your entire body...Sounds like little boys trying to gross each other out, doesn't it? If you can handle that, citizen, Smith may just let you carry a AR-15 in his beloved corps! But then you'll have to consider some tough questions:
Should I go buy a relatively inexpensive polymer frame semi-auto handgun and some ammunition in order to be able to assist friends and loved ones in their time of need? We need to think through these issues. Are you a diabetic? Do you have the insulin you need for a protracted period of time? Are there other medications you need?I'll take out these jackbooted ATF bastards as soon I get my inhaler!
Plus, gibberish about Obamacare, patriots taking out the power grid, etc... Gun nuts are the Manson Family of the 21st Century. They're all "helter-skelter" on the internet, but will probably just end up killing some innocent bystanders and raving away the rest of their lives in prison.
What the fuck is Herchel Smith talking about? If going a week in the wilderness without bathing were that dire, humans would never have survived to reproductive age before the invention of soap.
ReplyDeleteBy the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops
ReplyDeletearound the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can
cause serious diseases.
According to this progression the typical rightblogger has already been in the wilderness for 413 years.
By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can cause serious diseases.
ReplyDeleteSpeak for yourself, Rambo.
I'm just guessing here, but I think Herschel Smith is the sort of fellow who really looks up to John Hawkins.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that there's nothing in particular stopping these guys from camping out in the wilderness and using their wits to survive if they really wanted to, it's almost enough to make me think that all they really care about re: the collapse of society is the part where you shoot people.
ReplyDeleteWell, there's no point in giving up cable until you really have to.
ReplyDelete"Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness, your personal stench is merely disgusting. By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can cause serious diseases. Within another week your feet develop a cocktail of fungal infections, and within another week the skin begins to fall off of them."
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't sound right. Weren't there people who lived in the wilderness? Ah, but they were good at it -- in spite of not having AR-15s and extended clips, or magazines or whatever.
This kind of thing always seems very familiar to me. I've spent a lot of time over the years with nerds, another subculture with oddly robust fantasies about the end of the world. There is, of course, a major difference. When a geek's thoughts turn to the breakdown of civilization, he downloads a Fallout mod - obviously unacceptable since video games are bad for you. Swapping home remedies for crotch rot is a much more emotionally healthy enterprise.
ReplyDeleteOf course, prehistoric man didn't live on a diet of fast food and cheap lager.
ReplyDeleteSo you don't think that people who spend 12 hours a day talking about survivalism on the Internet are earnest about "roughing it"? Next thing you'll tell me is that those 13-year olds who keep threatening me don't really know ninjitsu.
ReplyDeleteThere is a direct line between this type of talk and blowing up a federal building in Oklahoma City.
ReplyDelete"Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness, your personal
ReplyDeletestench is merely disgusting. By the end of the first week, the putrid,
toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to
health and safety and can cause serious diseases. Within another week
your feet develop a cocktail of fungal infections, and within another
week the skin begins to fall off of them."
I think we have our "control" character for Girls...
Should I go buy a relatively inexpensive polymer frame semi-auto handgun and some ammunition in order to be able to assist friends and loved ones in their time of need?
ReplyDeleteNo, because you're a panicky idiot who will fire at the first shadow, at best wasting all your ammo and at worst killing an innocent person.
SATSQ
lol, yeah, i once spent several months out in the woods at a stretch (with weekly town/hotel/shower breaks). Several hundred people do this every year in the US on the AT or Pacific Crest trails etc. I never once had "sores over my whole body". I guess i didn't smell nice but it really wasn't that bad. This guy is a clueless pussy of the first order.
ReplyDeleteWeeks without bathing? Meet my 9-year-old son.
ReplyDeletemy groin has a toxic paste, therefore your argument is invalid.
ReplyDeleteOh, but this guy knows what he's talking about. After all:
ReplyDeleteFrom a small child, between riding and training horses, working, camping, hiking, shooting and hunting, I have spent thousands of days and nights in the wilderness. I have experienced some or a lot of what Iam going to describe, and seen others experience the balance of it (or in extreme cases, I simply know of people to whom this has happened or know that it can happen).
He knows of people who know that it can happen, huh? Forget geek forums, this sounds like the kind of thing I heard at the lunch table when I was eleven. Maybe one of his sources is his uncle who works at Nintendo.
By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops
ReplyDeletearound the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can
cause serious diseases.
How did I ever survive my early twenties?
Weren't there people who lived in the wilderness?
ReplyDeleteThe Biblical chapters about the Crutchrot of Christ did not find their way into the approved version.
"Get thee behind me, Satan!" sounds s little different now...
ReplyDeleteThe Survivalist Who Was Afraid of the Outdoors. Could almost be a children't book.
ReplyDeleteLet me guess. Is there first move in the martial arts showdown waving their hands around and screeching?
ReplyDeletewhat would happen to a lone wolf fighter if he tried to be effective without aid and assistance
ReplyDeleteAs opposed to a lone wolf fighter who prefers to fight in partnership with others.
Skin begins to fall off? Screw the phony history, this clown's entire experience with the outdoors must consist of watching "Cabin Fever."
ReplyDelete"But Herschel," said Ricky the Raccoon, "It's FUN to be outside! All the liberals are gone now!"
ReplyDeleteOh, you don't see them coming. They're mall ninja, trained to blend into any Hot Topic.
ReplyDeleteYeah, back in college I was a Russian minor, which due to the size of the program was basically the same thing as being a Russian major, and I remember that one of the dudes I took classes with disappeared for a semester, which turned out to be because he was hiking the Appalachian trail (not like that, and he did the whole trail). I don't remember any stories like that from him.
ReplyDeleteJesus we live in insane times. Over at Protein Wisdom, Jeffrey is begging for emergency funds to buy a rifle:
ReplyDeleteI already own a bunch of PMags (my eternal gratitude to RI Red) and, thanks to Magpul*, will be picking up a bunch more; just as I already have a NV Eotech sighting system w/ slap-to-the-side magnifier and an infrared laser. The only problem is, I don’t have the rifle to go along with all that gear.
More crucial detail later:
I have NVG and soon hope to have 3 set-ups for NV shooting, one of which won’t require the use of goggles. Right now I use the IR laser on a rig set up with a 3×12 scope and an offset red dot site at 1 or 2x. On a second I have a NV compatible Eotech and slap to side 3x Eotech magnifier.
On my Scar-17 I’m hoping to get a clip on Gen 3+ NV lens to use with my GRSC 1-6x combat rifle scope. That gives me options against someone with NV goggles. That should give me range out to about 500-600 yards with no optical footprint.
Yes, from that sea of specs and gunner lingo, Jeff is apparently expecting to be shooting at someone wearing Night Vision goggles. I hope they wear infrared name badges or something because it might be the Ole Perfessor.
*Magpul is the company that makes PMags -- 30-round magazines (what the company labels "standard-capacity" and the Colorado legislature calls "high-capacity"). Jeffrey has a bunch and will be picking up a bunch more, because an outlaw warrior just can't have enough. Magpul is currently running the "Boulder Airlift," complete with cold war style poster, as a special emergency supply program to ensure that Colorado's crazies are have all the high-capacity magazines they require for the shooting war to come. You can't make this shit up.
30 posts in and this thread is already making me lose it.
ReplyDelete"It is even difficult to maintain proper hygiene in harsh weather like this. I have been backpacking in such cold weather than my toothbrush froze into a solid block of ice between the time I pulled it out of the river and the time it reached my mouth."
ReplyDeleteDude: ten bucks says my power grid, vulnerable as it may be to bloggers on ATVs, outlasts your inability to brush your teeth when it's below freezing.
Hah! My putrid, toxic paste has a lethality range of at least 600 yards, and its deadly fumes have the additional tactical advantage of being able to waft even upwind! Enjoy your useless NVGs, high capacity magazines and laser sights as you writhe in agony, futile would-be aggressors!
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to discuss what would happen to a lone wolf fighter if he tried to be effective without aid and assistance.
ReplyDeleteTrick question! That "lone wolf fighter" is clearly Lone Wolf McQuade, a.k.a. Chuck Norris, and he doesn't just have disgusting crotch rot, he gives it!
Err, wait…
(Also, somebody missed the Army Field Manual section on field hygiene. Or has never been fucking camping, ever. Seriously, these guys aren't just chickenhawks when it comes to the military, they're chickenhawks from the Boy Scouts. Too bad for them there's no merit badge for shitting yourself over scary Negroes.)
Ah. Wee Jeffrey is excited. How many towels will it need this time.
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You know, I have to admit, as a city-dwelling, latte-drinking college professor, I might start to develop real masculinity issues if it weren't for these guys. Christ, I feel like a badass now. Multiple camping trips, and not once has my pecker melted off. I deserve a black belt in something for that. Shirtless photos of me should adorn the shrines of aspiring he-men.
ReplyDeleteOh, also, if you are this prone to infection, go to the store and buy a few packs of disinfectant wipes before you go out in the woods. Yes, it will cut into the amount of ammo you can carry, but seriously, you are no good to the revolution dying of crotch-rot out in some forest with a couple-hundred unused rounds in your backpack. Accept that you are going to kill fewer of the enemy, and spend more time washing your disease-ridden body.
He got all that "from a small child"? Was this child a genie? (A genie tragically unable to prevent crotch rot?)
ReplyDeleteand using their wits
ReplyDeleteI think I see the problem.
And the sad thing is, he's done the gun bleg before...
ReplyDeleteSounds like this dude has a long-neglected, undiagnosed STD. Hard to believe that he ever found a (willing) vector, though.
ReplyDeleteThe comments over there are a wonder to behold. It's like an abnormal psychology textbook has come to life, and started blogging. May I quote?
ReplyDelete" I guess it will all be ok when we meet on the sea of fire and glass…..although you may have to wait until I get there….."
"Think in terms of post-apocapyptic [sic] America, because that’s the scenario I’m describing."
"I read an interesting book the other day..."
Aw, shit, that last one gave it away; now I know I'm being Trolled.
Survival Tips From A Guy Too Stupid To Wash His Balls; live long enough and I guess you'll see everything.
Kinda jumps off the page, eh?
ReplyDeletesuch cold weather than my toothbrush froze into a solid block of ice
ReplyDeletebetween the time I pulled it out of the river and the time it reached my
mouth.
Cool story, bro.
the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men
ReplyDeleteWeaponised smegma! Yay!
Video of Reynolds College of Gun Knowledge surfaces:
ReplyDelete☞ LINK
By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops
ReplyDeletearound the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can
cause serious diseases.
Worst "Dear Penthouse" letter EVER!
Somewhere, a goat lies dying.
ReplyDeleteI deserve a black belt in something for that.
ReplyDeleteWashu.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, just disgusting crotch rot.
ReplyDeleteWas his toothbrush made out of water? Did he make an Arnie-as-Mr Freeze-style quip as the thing froze into a solid block of ice?
ReplyDeleteHe had to thaw it out by sticking it down his pants, so he's also got trenchmouth now.
ReplyDeleteThey're in the Gospel of St Goldbond.
ReplyDeletea cocktail of fungal infections
ReplyDeleteMake mine a Canesteni.
GO TO YOUR ROOM.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure exactly why but this site is loading very slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end? I'll check back later on and see
ReplyDeleteif the problem still exists.
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Well, Doc, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that someone--a parent, perhaps--taught you how to wipe your ass.
ReplyDeleteI love you, BBBB.
ReplyDeleteIt occurs to me that running a gun bleg might be a better grift than the Pagan Babies. As long as you never need to actual waste the money on guns, or you can sell on the guns your sucker readers send to you as gifts you could be coining the money.
ReplyDeleteBoom Boom Boom Boom. Both a song reference and a suggested name.
ReplyDeleteGoodnight Moon, Goodnight Tree, Goodnight Marxists/that I see.
ReplyDelete53 comments and noPiggy in Lord of the Flies references?
ReplyDeleteOkay, out of the boat:
ReplyDeleteDehydration is a constant concern, and the time it takes to boil water is precious,
Yeah, there's just so little time to take care of life's vital necessities when you're in the wilderness. Particularly when so much of your time is spent polishing your weapon.
if you are able to get a fire going
Apparently one of the less-distributed skills in the woodsman's bag. For cryin' out fucking loud, he then talks about backpacking "in such a downpour that nothing would burn". Which, y'know, might be precisely the time when skills would come in handy, maybe.
or carry an isobutane canister. Rarely, there is a Godsend like fresh, naturally-filtered water.
You cannot assume any spot in the lower 48 is uncontaminated by man, in the worst possible sense. No water on earth can be presumed free of giardia, and it's been that way for thirty or forty years now. Sufficient boiling will kill it, and almost all other pathogens, but it won't turn diesel fuel into H2O. You still have to filter it, despite the amount of time this wastes merely to produce the one item you cannot live three days without. Halfway sane people have been known to do this with readily-available, lightweight, field-serviceable portable filtration systems, but this does, sadly, cut down on the number of clips and butane canisters you have room for.
"Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness yadda yadda blah de blah..."
ReplyDeleteUmm... and here I thought these guys WANTED to return to the eighteenth century. This is high-larious stuff, coming from guys who think Cheetos are a tasty snack food AND a deodorant.
AH... so THAT'S the basis for "Iron Crotch" kung fu...
ReplyDelete(How the fuck do you post links in Disqus, anyway?)
Dear Penthouse...
ReplyDeleteThey'll be okay, they're used to consuming their own effluvia. Remember, the whole right-wing blogosphere is a Human Centipede Ouroboros.
ReplyDeletedying... of shame.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to shoot the fungal spores off your epidermis.
ReplyDeleteYou're definitely going to want to brush up that walker with powder coat camouflage paint. A good welder can fix your hoverround up with a mount for a .50 caliber, suitable for knocking down helicopters or higher flying aircraft.
ReplyDeleteMost motorcycle shops can build you a custom dispenser for moist towelettes...
Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification seemed
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I think the sores are from the syphilis that is eating his brain.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the "groin gunk"--well, I understand that He-man Wolverines don't want the girls to see 'em washing, but he could at least pretend to be going off to piss and wash his love grenade with a bit of stream water.
the lone wolf fighter who needs someone else to wipe his butt, for him....
ReplyDeletethere are, even, (or so i hear tell)) whole stores in shopping malls dedicated to moderately priced survival gear!!
ReplyDeleteits amazing all those scientists who go study animals in remote regions & live to write national geographic articles about it....
ReplyDeleteReally? they shoot off of mine. That's what spores do. Ask any mycologist.
ReplyDeleteBill Bryson's got nothing on this guy.
ReplyDeletePerhaps they mean to sell toxic paste as a biological weapon on the illegal arms market.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, it's not difficult to keep oneself reasonably clean living away from the grid. Lakes. Streams. And outdoor catalogs offer a wide range of products dedicated to personal hygiene. Instead of rugged survivalist, Herschel Smith comes off as a clueless suburban wanna-be holding a creepy obsession with bodily functions.
Gun nuts are the Manson Family of the 21st Century.
ReplyDeleteErrr...no, not really. If they were we could merely laugh at them (which people are doing a brilliant job of here, btw).
The Manson Family didn't set the policy agenda for one of the two main political parties. These bozos, however, represent the Republican party line on gun policy, only with more flamboyant prose and a more vivid fantasy life.
And that's why poking fun at these fuckers is a type of graveyard humor. They are dangerous, if only through their delusions, because for all their talk, they simply will not, cannot, put their money where their big fat mouths are and simply leave the civilization they claim to hate so much. (We won't even touch the question of why they would rather throw everything away rather than attempt a mature solution to the civilization we already have a lot of time and resources invested in.)
ReplyDeleteLike cowards eternally, they must convince, intimidate or fool large numbers of others to go along with their nutty ideas; hence, terrorism is high on their list of things to do. And even if 99.999% of these fuckheads are merely full of hot air, there are so many these days that that .001% is enough to wreak destruction on innocents.
He's doing it wrong.
ReplyDeleteThere's also a bunch of useless shit piling up that needs to be sold, and these maladaptives are a barely tapped market.
ReplyDeleteCourse, they might get tapped more if they could reach their nuts to wash them
"Hey friends and loved ones! I'm here to assist you in your times of need!"
ReplyDelete"Great! We need some help planting some food. Gotta shovel?"
"Uh...well, I..."
"How about giving the guys a hand digging a well?"
"Umm...I could shoot somebody."
"Well, we really need some folks willing to do some work around here."
"Hey--what about that camp of people on the other side of the hill? I could sneak over there and raid them--kill, I mean defend us against their men, and bring back their supplies!"
"You mean the Johnstons? Who do you think helped us get that water filtration system going? Are you nuts!?"
"Okay, I'll just go scout in the woods."
"You do that, Bubba. Be sure to wash your crotch once in awhile."
Yeah. Talking as if they are under siege right now is so fucking weak that you can reasonably bet that during any widespread actual emergency--- like a frankenstorm--- the best they could do would to be useless and stay out of the adults' way.
ReplyDeletePeople who are genuinely strong in an emergency or conflict, generally use their strength to cool down the tension, not escalate it, and stay focused on what is happening in the moment. There will plenty of time for feelings after the threat is over, given that you survive. Panic doesn't serve anyone. Nothing is even happening and these gun-loving nuts are panicking. Note taken: they get thrown off the lifeboat first.
No, Mr. Smith, this is not a concentration camp; it is a mental care facility. You were found in the green space beside the freeway suffering from massive infection and raving about an all-negro confiscation force. The EMS guys won't soon forget you.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there seems to be a confusion of terms here.
ReplyDeleteNary a clue that what they're feeling are "symptoms."
ReplyDeleteWhich also evokes Eric Idle in the first year of SNL, "I think we've found our Gigi."
ReplyDeleteParticularly when so much of your time is spent polishing your weapon
ReplyDeleteIYKWIMAITYD - then again, given the 'putrid, toxic paste', ew. Just...ew.
I have to ask, trying to make sense of all the brand names and designations, don't these laser dot sights and night vision goggles et al need batteries? Probably those compact flat disc-style camera batteries, I expect. Those don't grow on trees. Come the Collapse and the last drug store is looted and the last ni-cad lost in the mud or drained, will any of these goobers know how to shoot using the iron sights on their weapons?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I've never seen someone whose gun fascination is a more obvious compensation for feelings of inadequacy. Unemployable house husband spends hours obsessing about firearms. Cheez, it's just creepy.
ReplyDeleteThe Manson Family didn't set the policy agenda for one of the two main political parties.
ReplyDeleteBeg to differ. Law'n'order pols (in California, anyway) led by Ronald Reagan, managed to shove through quite a bit of legislation by pointing at the blood-smeared walls of the LaBianca home.
Obligatory.
ReplyDeleteFair enough, Doc...but I would maintain that it's different this time in a rather crucial way.
ReplyDeleteWhen guns are outlawed, only the witless will have guns.
ReplyDeleteParticularly when so much of your time is spent polishing your weapon. But then you go blind.
ReplyDeleteYup. And I'm sure we're all shocked to learn that Mr. Smith, the "Captain" at "Captain's Journal" has never actually been a "Captain" and is not a member of the military (gosh, just like "Captain" Ed Morissey). His entire survivalist expertise comes from A. having gone camping and B. being a nutcase.
ReplyDeleteYour 9-year-old son is a conservative blogger?
ReplyDelete"Who knows what evil lurks in the groins of men?
ReplyDeleteThe Shadow The Captain's Journal knows. . ."
Amateurs talk about tactics, professionals talk about logistics--and Herschel Smith talks about crotch rot.
Ask any mycologist.
ReplyDeleteNo way. Ladyparts are icky.
"Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness, your personal stench is merely disgusting."
ReplyDeleteWell, sure, if you started out with a personal stench--which, by the way, you notice less and less (if at all), since the nose becomes accustomed pretty quickly to bad smells.
To sum up, then: what he says is untrue both objectively and subjectively--all rendered in that wise, patiently instructional tone for which wingnut wise men are justly famous. Yes, when they rant and foam, it's damn good fun. But this is just as entertaining. The one is opera buffa. The other is self-satire.
Well, to be fair, Eric Rudolph was pretty much a lone wolf, yet he wouldn't have eluded capture as long as he did without support from other decent Christian folk who endorsed his murderous terrorism.
ReplyDeletewill any of these goobers know how to shoot
ReplyDeleteNo.
so he's also got trenchmouth now.
ReplyDeletePre-existing condition.
Yeah, that's just what the Nazis said, too.
ReplyDeleteSee also: The Tommyknockers.
ReplyDeleteI have NVG and soon hope to have 3 set-ups for NV shooting, one of
ReplyDeletewhich won’t require the use of goggles. Right now I use the IR laser on a
rig set up with a 3×12 scope and an offset red dot site at 1 or 2x. On a
second I have a NV compatible Eotech and slap to side 3x Eotech
magnifier.
On my Scar-17 I’m hoping to get a clip on Gen 3+ NV lens
to use with my GRSC 1-6x combat rifle scope. That gives me options
against someone with NV goggles. That should give me range out to about
500-600 yards with no optical footprint.
Three set-ups? Like, three little nests he can dart to, one by one, to "control" "the perimeter"? From whom? Liberals? The zombie hordes?
I'll tell you from whom: from his fellow gun-nut meshuganas. That will be the final hilarious irony--that these clowns yakking about their NVG this and slap-to-side that will have only each other to attack and defend themselves from. For Crissake, somebody take video of this when it happens. For future generations, if not for our immediate amusement.
They were ken to the ancient knowledge, handed down by the tribal elders to the young warriors as part of their solemn, mystic rite of passage into manhood, that you can use even non-potable water to wash the funk off your junk. Today, that ineffable lore is only known to the race of secretive wanderers that some call the Thru-Hikers, believed to inhabit a sylvan dimension known as the Green Tunnel.
ReplyDeleteOnce I asked a mycologist where Mike was, and he just looked at me funny.
ReplyDeleteGetting away from the crotch rot for a while (you're welcome), it's pretty obvious that overall, Smith, despite his "thousands of days and nights in the wilderness", is a pretty shitty camper:
ReplyDeleteIn the winter, the cold will sap the energy and even the life out of your body. It is even difficult to maintain proper hygiene in harsh weather like this. I have been backpacking in such cold weather than my toothbrush froze into a solid block of ice between the time I pulled it out of the river and the time it reached my mouth. Without proper dental hygiene, various dental diseases can develop, and these can be debilitating to anyone, much less someone in the wilderness.
Crazy idea here--why not simply not dip your toothbrush in the river? He's similarly (and inexplicably) careless about not filtering his water. All those cumulative years of woodsmanship and he has not one fucking clue about giardiasis. Or maybe he's going ultralight so he can carry more ammo. Can't think of leaving behind that XDm .45 and Ka-Bar folder!
Crotch Rot Fever was one of Ted Nugent's biggest hits.
ReplyDeleteDo you have the insulin you need for a protracted period of time? Are there other medications you need?
ReplyDelete'Cause if so, you might be able to get prescription drug coverage through the PPACA.
... I never thought this would happen to me, but I just spent the weekend in a recursive loop, and the sex was amazing.
ReplyDeleteThis thread made me think of Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean"
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aU3Rk-Z9boM
"Within another week your feet develop a cocktail of fungal infections, and within another week the skin begins to fall off of them."
ReplyDeleteSOMEBODY'S ready for the zombie apocalypse.
I remember when my brother was not quite to his tweens and he and I got into a huge fight, inartfully and randomly slapping and kicking each other. When the fight ended, he said "See! Told ya I knew karate!"
ReplyDeleteThese guys all know karate.
"Be sure to wash your crotch once in awhile" is the kind the of thing that makes alicublog a daily stop for me.
ReplyDeleteI would not like to take this comment out into the wilderness, because I'm pretty sure there are no upvotes out there.
But in the main, you simply cannot last for long as a lone wolf fighter,
ReplyDeleteand if you think so, you’re delusional and like to nurture fantasies.
Excerpted without comment.
Ben Bernanke, the most notorious Keynesian economist in history...
More notorious than the dastardly originator of Keynesian economics, that diabolic fiend, the nefarious Milton Keynes?
Gangs will roam the streets looking for anything they can take, the
elderly may as well have targets on their backs, and the apocalypse will
be upon us.
Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAAAN YOOOOU DIIIIIG IIIIT?
I know. I've already loled.
ReplyDelete"Daddy, tell me more about the time you had groin paste."
ReplyDeleteI'm sure there'd be some solar recharging possibility, if it weren't for the Original Sin of Solyndra.
ReplyDeleteBen Bernanke, the most notorious Keynesian economist in history
ReplyDeleteThese people really have no sense of perspective. One senses that if they burn their tongue with a sip of McDonald's coffee, they will inevitably shout, "Agh! This is the hottest coffee in history!"
I've heard people rattle off their computer specs the same way. However, I've never heard an actual, in-real-life gun owner talk about his firearm in such pornographic terms. The only place I ever hear this kind of pornographic detail is from teenage CounterStrike addicts.
ReplyDeleteAlcohol, dude. Not to drink (obviously), but for disinfecting wounds and for dental hygiene.
ReplyDeleteAnd even remain hawt in the process! Remember Laura Dern in Jurassic Park? Smokin', even after having her arm up to the shoulder in triceratops shit.
ReplyDeleteWell, sure, that was a movie, but I know some of the type, like this one young lady whose summer job was to go out in the middle of nowhere and count sticklebacks. Rowr.
See also: Assuming that you can find a potable water supply at all times
ReplyDeleteHow does one know, pray tell, if water is potable? We didn't carry a lab kit when I was backpacking, and didn't waste precious energy following sources upstream to check for dead animals; we assumed that the only way to know was to drink it, and as a result used said filter technology.
Can't anyone get these boobs to fetish-obsess about $370 field-servicable filters so they don't (literally) shit themselves to death? It's not like there's any limitation to being a camping gearhead.
I really thought the point of the handgun to "help the neighbors" was to give them two taps to the skull and put them out of their misery.
ReplyDeleteNone of that stuff ever happened to the people on "LOST." Or "The Walking Dead"...
ReplyDelete...Well, maybe on "The Walking Dead." But just the zombies.
I've never lived in the woods, but I've been homeless in an urban setting and the truth is, people find ways to wash up. It sounds like this guy might not have a good enough understanding of water and hygiene to try and go roughing it...
We can just sniff out the terrorists by their body odor...
ReplyDeleteOh, so they are aiming for a remake of Dune? Stillsuits would totally rock that crotch rock.
ReplyDeleteI remember a first responder telling me (it may even have been a comment here, who knows, it's been a while) that the end-is-nigh nutters who stock up on nonperishables and emergency supplies rather than guns and ammo are actually useful in a non-apocalyptic natural disaster, because, y'know, they have emergency supplies and when it comes down to actual injured and suffering people in their neighborhood, they're usually more than willing to share them.
ReplyDeleteThe guys who think getting a gun is more important than learning how to keep your balls relatively clean? Not so much.
Iodine is cheaper. And when they retire to the woods they may find themselves requiring it for health reasons unless they are also packing iodized salt. Wasn't it switzerland, and parts of Nepal, where lack of iodine produced endemic goiter? Ah! post apocaplytic America: where every prospect pleases and only man is vile.
ReplyDeleteBy and large I agree with you (and love Fallout), but I know some people who I'm pretty sure actually believe that there will be a zombie apocalypse. Even stranger, they seem to believe they'd last longer than five minutes.
ReplyDeleteOr at any rate they are ready to be Zombie dinner.
ReplyDeleteThe really awful shit comes in the self-published literature these guys crank out. McVeigh might have gotten off on the Turner Diaries, but these days they write their own. I can't tell you how many e-books I've seen that feature lurid, lovingly-detailed scenes of the right-wing protagonist murdering police officers (or politicians, or people the author doesn't like). It's really disturbing, having that "imitate me please" quality that the culture scolds claim to be able to detect in hip-hop tracks and video games but not in the horrifying blogs to which they link.
ReplyDeleteThis part sums it up far better than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteThe questions run deeper than you think. I sat across from the dinner table with a very dear friend of many years a few days ago, and heard him lament the fact that they hadn’t been able to afford to purchase firearms for family protection. This family operates on a thin budget.
My thinking began: “Do I give him my .45, no, that’s my premier personal defense weapon … do I give him my .40, no, I have that one because it’s the same caliber as Josh’s gun … do I give him my .357 wheel gun, no, that’s the best CQB weapon ever invented my mankind … I cannot give him my rifles … ” and so on, and so forth.
That's the spirit that's going to get them through the collapse of society: that of a five-year-old who won't share his nice toys.
I think he meant to say "since I was a small child," but he's writing in a really obtuse way to frustrate any "LEOs" who might be getting a fix on his master plan.
ReplyDeleteOh... well there's only just enough for me.
ReplyDeleteOh god, I forgot about that. "Crystals get jacked, no lie."
ReplyDeleteIt's not like there's any limitation to being a camping gearhead.
ReplyDeleteInsufficient fighter-jock ambience.
"...we had a group that was so charged we attracted bears."
ReplyDeleteYeah, dude, it was the charged crystals, not the huge circle of men jerking off that attracted the bears.
A reincarnation of a WWI trench warfare soldier? Now they had skin problems.
ReplyDeleteJeezus... I just came back from wading in the fever swamp of that piece, and it's main point seems to be that Herschel and his commenters just can't wait for NBC's "Revolution" to begin its next season.
ReplyDeleteI'd taken some karate lessons, and one day in a fight with my sister I attempted to kick her. She grabbed my foot and sent me FLYING, backwards, across the kitchen. Than never seems to happen on Kung Fu or to Jackie Chan.
ReplyDeleteAnd this unwholesome description of the horrors of being a "lone wolf" is supposed to be attractive to our conservative gun-huggers?
ReplyDeleteAnd I know of one guy who said that, when the zombie apocalypse came, his ideal weapon was a katana (which he identified as a "fantasy weapon"). He seemed to honestly believe that he would have the skill and strength necessary to cut off someone's head with a single sword stroke.
ReplyDeleteI ain't saying that nerd fantasies are sane. What I am saying is that their insanity tend to manifest in sitting quietly at a computer.
Should I go buy a .... semi-auto handgun? And get some soap and baby-wipes while you're at it. Don't forget the Lotramin. Also, clean socks and underwear.
ReplyDeleteI hope he didn't have sensitive teeth, like I.
ReplyDeleteA man's crotch is like a child in that it requires more fresh air and sunlight than modern lifestyles can provide. Increasingly, our kids are the canaries in the nutpaste-mines of societal dysfunction. Listen to their urgent tweets. When you can smell a wingnut's balls, it'll be too late.
ReplyDeleteBy the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops
ReplyDeletearound the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can
cause serious diseases.
In other words, gun nuts.
~
Not to mention this little thing called "air." But the principles of ventilation seem to have escaped Mr. Fumunda Cheese.
ReplyDeleteEver watch the outtakes that ran at the end of Jackie Chan's early movies? He and his stunt people were ALWAYS swathed in plaster.
ReplyDeleteTo be perfectly honest, one of my biggest concerns following a societal collapse would be finding the nearest Nordstrom and raiding their lingerie department so I could have a stock of decent bras in which to face apocalypse.
ReplyDeleteMy hoo-hah is a self-cleaning organ, but the girls need proper support.
Non-European cultures, fantasy cultures, it's all pretty much the same.
ReplyDeleteOddly, I think it is. These guys get off on imagining their own toughness, and they need the wilderness to sound really terrible so they can picture themselves enduring it. It also gives them a chance to indulge in some vindictive joy at the thought of all those cosmopolitan types getting killed by the police/gangs or dying slowly in the woods. If only they'd listened!
ReplyDeleteGesundheit.
ReplyDeleteMore notorious than the dastardly originator of Keynesian economics, that diabolic fiend, the nefarious Milton Keynes?
ReplyDeleteHey, now. The town of Milton Keynes might have concrete cows, but that's mildly silly, not diabolic (or ... is it?). John Maynard Keynes, however, was a creature from the very pit of Hell. Still not as Keynesian as George W. Bush's choice for Fed chairman, though.
By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops
ReplyDeletearound the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can
cause serious diseases.
Oh, so that's where Vegemite comes from.
I'd like to give this comment a very thorough sponge bath.
ReplyDeleteAnd we will, after hyperinflation hits, price controls are put into place, the supply of goods dries up and your money is worthless. Gangs will roam the streets looking for anything they can take, the elderly may as well have targets on their backs, and the apocalypse will be upon us.
ReplyDeleteAnd the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante's Inferno will be made to look like a children's playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
Thanks, Obama!
Though I know the difference between Milton and John, I very much doubt that Captain Herschel does.
ReplyDeleteYou can build a still to recycle water from your urine, if you're really hard-core and don't want to mess around with filters.
ReplyDeletehttp://survivial-training.wonderhowto.com/how-to/purify-urine-for-drinking-with-emergency-solar-still-0116328/
As far as I can tell, that kid didn't believe that the katana was a real weapon. His only exposure was through anime and video games, where Japanese swords are always depicted as magical weapons of myth. Some other people did call him out on that, though no one brought up the head-chopping fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt that geek hobbies can be used to introduce people to legitimate history, science and culture. Unfortunately, it never quite works out.
"Within a couple of days of being in the wilderness, your personal stench is merely disgusting. By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can cause serious diseases. Within another week your feet develop a cocktail of fungal infections, and within another week the skin begins to fall off of them."
ReplyDeleteUummmmmm.... what? These people need to spend a little less time jerking off to Guns and Ammo and a little more learning about the benefits of wool undergarments. Maybe go take some of those classes at REI or something. They make it sound like anyone who's ever been camping for a week must have come back with full blown leprosy.
Pilobus shoot off as part of the reproduction cycle.
ReplyDeleteFun fact: You have to cultivate it on rabbit-dung agar media.
The asexual fruiting structure (the sporangiophore) of Pilobolus species is unique. It consists of a transparent stalk which rises above the excrement to end in a balloon-like subsporangial vesicle. On top of this, a single, black sporangium develops. The sporangiophore has the remarkable ability of orienting itself to point directly towards a light source. The subsporangial vesicle acts as a lens, focusing light via carotenoid pigments deposited near the base of the vesicle. The developing sporangiophore grows such that the maturing sporangium is aimed directly at the light.
When turgor pressure within the subsporangial vesicle builds to a sufficient level, (often 7 ATM or greater) the sporangium is launched, and can travel anywhere from a couple of centimeters to a distance of 2 meters (6ft), an amazing achievement for a sporangiophore less than 1 cm tall. That's acceleration from 0 to 20 km/h in 2 µs which means an acceleration of 20 000 G is exerted. Which is equivalent to a human being launched at 100 times the speed of sound. That’s 33 831 m/s at sea level.[2]
The orientation of the stalk towards the light apparently guarantees that the sporangium is shot some distance from the excrement, enhancing the chances that it will attach to vegetation and be eaten by a new host.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilobolus
In this article I have three objectives. First I want to discuss what would happen to a lone wolf fighter if he tried to be effective without aid and assistance. Next, I want to distinguish between thinking tactically and strategically concerning survival. Finally, I want to describe things that might catalyze the need to invoke such plans, from rogue, illegitimate groups to patriots who will not relinquish their their second amendment rights, regardless of the consequences.
ReplyDeleteHilariously enough, all of those objectives have already been discussed and many solutions have been implemented. It's pretty much called "civilization" and humans have been practicing (semi-successfully) it for a long, long time. Why, we even have one now!
"What's your ambition soldier?"
ReplyDelete"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
Oh, no, this is about defending one's fambly from the gummint hordes led by the evil dusky-hued Obama.
ReplyDeleteOr the attendants from the Home for the Mentally Questionable, whichever come first.
Almost makes one long for the days of yore, when the worst one could expect from Godlstein was the empty threat of being cock-slapped.
How realistic do you expect the guy to be, in the context of planning for a zombie apocalypse?
ReplyDeleteI was going to say something about the challenges of airing out the folds, but yuck.
ReplyDeleteWell, armed forces and rescue and civil defense organizations in many countries are "preparing for the zombie apocalypse," but not really. It's just that the thought experiments and exercises of dealing with hordes of zombies can lend themselves to dealing with other situations that include, mayhem, populations out of control, and infection that may not , at first be apparent; and it does it without having to create a situation that uses an existing population as targets, and perhaps without creating too many prejudicial assumptions about any populations that would interfere with right action when a civil emergency does come along. It's doubtful that the people who have to deal with a crisis would be thinking, 'Treat 'em like zombies'. The point would be to use the skills and group coordination that they learned in training.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if some people might just read the headlines and conclude that because governments are gaming it that it must be a real threat.
patriots taking out the power grid, etc.
ReplyDeleteI give these mooks another month before they start calling themselves the Werwolf Force. There's even a nice pennant and everything!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Werwolfwimpel.svg
What always gets me in the lost in the wilderness after a plane crash genre of movies is that the survivors of the plane crash usually panic about not having any food within 20 minutes of the crash, but as soon as they find a stream they start slurping up the water as if it were clean just because it's in the wilderness. Water first. Potable water. Fuel and something to boil it in. Being lost in the wilderness, in the cold, while shitting and vomiting is going to slow everybody down.
ReplyDeleteYes - and now I remember who all this reminded me of: the urine-drinking sea captain from Blackadder.
ReplyDeleteI want to give this comment an ambulance ride with the lights blazing and the sirens wailing.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to hang this comment off the back of my truck. Or my .44.
ReplyDeleteHe is always-already exploding the binary.
ReplyDeleteI think I can assure you that they are NOT going to spend less time jerking off.
ReplyDeleteSkeeve had made the mistake of making ill-advised comments among the troops before, but pointing out how they all resembled "dirty fucking hippies" was the last straw...
ReplyDeleteYes, and fire (and sunlight and air as has been previously mentioned) has many uses that includes serving as as a sort of "dryer" damp clothes are placed on a make-shift rack near the fire.
ReplyDeleteTell him to stop pretending he's a law professor this instant.
ReplyDeleteOh, dear Lard. He's not guy and apparently has no idea how culturally faux symbolic it all is.
ReplyDeleteThat's what he meant by "crystals?" New Age machismo? Yeah, honey--- don't forget your crystals. (snigger)
ReplyDelete"By the end of the first week, the putrid, toxic paste that develops around the groins of men becomes a risk to health and safety and can cause serious diseases."
ReplyDeleteArtisanal dick cheese is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world. The parts inhabited by people who eat really gross shit and have yet to invent soap.
Also, too: the paste, putrid and toxic though it may be, looks worse than it really is due to the fluorescent Cheeto dust, one of its primary ingredients.
ReplyDelete<a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/the-8-greatest-craigslist-jo-sessions>Apparently crystals are a thing.</a>
ReplyDeleteHow or why do I know this? It's better you don't know.
No, scratch that. I know this shit because Substance McGravitas--if that is his real name--exposed me to it. And now my beautiful mind is forever sullied.
Insert joke about whether the Ole Perfesser qualifies as a weapon of mass destruction.
ReplyDeleteHE'S NOT GAY, WILEY. GOD.
ReplyDeleteIn a very weird way, Smith is doing a sort of call to arms here--only the very bravest are going to be able to "lone wolf" it. He's saying, "look at all the hardships you'll have to endure, but, by persevering against crotch rot, dissolving gums--dissolving feet!--pain, desert heat, Arctic cold, dehydration, soaking rains," you'll manage to be... a gun nut all by himself in the woods against the tyrannical dark forces of Despot O.
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit like Dr. Strangelove meets Jeremiah Johnson. Humping around all those guns and ammunition is an analogue for mineshafts. In Strangelove's fantasy post-apocalyptic world, the smart guys and the government elite get ten women each, "of a highly stimulating nature," while in Smith's little daydream, the Rambo-wannabes who can endure the most self-inflicted harm will inevitably be the breeding stock of tomorrow.
Civilization has always had its malcontents, but very few were willing to shout, "bring back the Black Plague! In my imagination, with enough folding-stock rifles, I can survive it!" Raising masochism to the level of virtue just might indicate that there's a flaw in the plan somewhere.
And I know of one guy who said that, when the zombie apocalypse came, his ideal weapon was a katana.
ReplyDeleteIt figures.
That one sailed right out of the park. Take your time and enjoy running the bases.
ReplyDeleteWasn't there a thing about WWII soldiers where the newbies went out festooned in grenades and ammo belts, extra ammo boxes stuffed in their backpacks, while the veterans carried their rifles and packed extra food and socks?
ReplyDelete"Nice little business you've got running here Mario. Be a pity if somebody applied an anti-contractionary fiscal stimulus to it"=."
ReplyDeleteI was wondering about the frozen toothbrush -- like, did he really dip that thing in the stream? I know people who got dysentery in Europe from brushing their teeth in the water just because they were unaccustomed to the bugs there.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think they're kinda looking forward to the putrid groins.
ReplyDeleteI think it was just wishful thinking on his part.
ReplyDelete...and then I realized it was an artifical leg. "Take it off," I urged, and that's when the real fun began.
ReplyDeleteSomething just occurred to me thanks to your comment: I'll bet, I'll just bet, that Herschel goes camping in fatigues and never takes them off. He wants to believe that he's this lone-wolf dude, even when he's with his family and pet, and if he removes his magic cloak of invisibility the black helicopters swoop in.
ReplyDeleteHis poor kids. His poor dog.
It's catchy but can you make it a meme? I'm not sure MGHTPTYAII will catch on.
ReplyDeleteWhat did 'civilisation' ever do for me?
ReplyDeleteAnd have meet-ups with their buddies, the There Wolf Force!
ReplyDeleteI would like to whinny at this comment.
ReplyDelete