Wednesday, March 31, 2010

JIVE. How do you get the kids to listen to Bill Whittle? The same way you get anyone else to listen to him -- with tricks.

"Every now and then I'll run into a hipster," says Whittle in his latest PJTV entertainment. Knowing how tightly-wound the guy is, I was hoping the crew would bring in actual hipsters of the sort I used to see in my perambulations around Williamsburg*, so Whittle could denounce them for (to use a previous Whittlism), "sipping six-dollar coffees as they complain about capitalism on $2,000 Apple laptops," and maybe even criticize their grooming and shitty music. That could have been as good at the C.P.O. Sharkey episode where they go to a punk club.

But then Whittle tells us, "These hipsters, and many of them are in their 50s and 60s..." and shows us a picture of what looks like Wavy Gravy. Also, he says these alleged superannuated hipsters "are always so proud of being progressive, they're open-minded, always ready to try new ideas..." and affects to hear from these hipsters, "Don't be such a square man."

He's not even trying! Couldn't he have thrown in something about Micachu and the Shapes, or goatse? Regrettably, the reverse-hip act continues with Okie from Muskogee passive-agression: "They're not rigid and fear-driven like me... stuck with prehistoric ideas like individual responsibility and the right to keep and bear arms..." The Founders were "the worst kind of squares" -- which is, in case you haven't tumbled to Whittle's brand of irony, a big compliment.

Having trapped us in his bogus sideshow, Whittle lectures us about how Moses is better than Zeus and all those shitty little gods, "Greco-Roman philosophy" (that is, two falls out of three), and other boilerplate about why the West is the Best -- hardly remarkable, controversial, or difficult to grasp, but Whittle still insists it's dynamite to the longhaired punks: "At this point the hipster usually goes 'huh?'" He's not the only one.

* We don't seem to have hipsters around College Station, though Mary swears she saw some at a Starbucks once. I did recently see what appeared to be hipsters in Austin, but those specimens were of a softened form, more relaxed than the ones back in Brooklyn. Maybe that's because the coffee 'round these parts isn't so hot.

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