TIME-LAG OSCARS PART THREE. FILM NOIR: What are you trying to tell us, Hollywood? That you remember your roots? Or that Lauren Bacall forgot her contact lenses? I think the corny-wonderful coming-attraction supers are kind of a cheat. Are we supposed to laugh at some of the best movies ever made? But we chase the bad taste with the genuine bad taste of a Steve Colbert joint!

DOC SHORT SUBJECTS: Terence Howard, your moment in the sun has arrived – oh shit, cat’s throwing up on my bed, gotta go. (P.S. not kidding.)

PENGUINS. Oh, those wacky French. What would they have done with the stuffed penguins if they’d lost? What an embarrassing post-show interview. "We do not win, but, eh, we steel have ze penguins!" and then they hug the penguins and make moues. Did I spell that right? This is liveblogging, no time to check sources.

ANOTHER BEST SONG NOMINEE allows me to clean up cat vomit without abdicating my citizen-journalist responsibilities.