THE ELLIPSOIDAL SOTU. Jim Lehrer (or Robert MacNeil -- I never knew which one it was who quit) guides us in gently, Brooks and Shields muttering collegially along,

Here come the Republicans! Powell and Rumsfield, both grinning like sumsabitches. Ashcroft, conversely, looks at everything as if it were a near occasion of sin. Spencer Abraham seems like a jolly old soul; I bet he's the only one that drinks. (MacLehrer mentions that one Cabinet Secretary has to stay away, but they don't say who. Curses, my plan has been foiled!) If you look up "saturnine" in an Elizabethan dictionary, they have a picture of Dick Cheney. Apparently Breyer's the only one from the Supremes here -- must be laundry night. Then Bush.

I watch this on PBS because on the other networks this part sounds like sheets of hail on a tin roof.

How does Kennedy keep his face so red? I though he'd dried out. Well, if I were him, I'd drink too.

"...a nation called to great responsibilities and we are rising to meet them." Despite the confident demeanor, a measured beginning.

The troops get the first call: "...bringing hope to the oppressed and justice to the violent, they are making America more secure..." But not just them -- all the uniforms: "Law enforcement personnel and intelligence personnel ... passenger lists... coasts and borders.. their vigilance is protecting America."

"...the American economy is growing stronger the tax relief you passed is working." No pause for breath there!

"...Congress.. take pride... skeptics had thought impossible... raising standards... public schools... perscription drug coverage under Medicare." DId the applause just dip?

"...we can go forward with confidence... or backwards... dangerous illusion... outlaws regimes no threat... turn back to old policies and old divisions... not come all this way through tragedy and trial and war only to falter and leave our work unfinished."

The speechwriters thought that Howard Dean would win in Iowa.

"...the American people are showing that the State of our Union is confident and strong." Well, someone has to.

"...active defense of the American People... September 11, 2001... tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. That hope is understandable, comforting and false... Bali, Jakata, Casablance... Jerusalem, Istanbul and Baghdad... By our will and courage this danger will be defeated." Take that, Dean! Or whomever.

"...law enforcement officials... Every tool they need... Patriot Act... beter share information... disrupt their cells... for years we have used similar porvisions... good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists." The Patriot Act is what's great about America.

"...key provisions are set to expire next year..." Democrat Ironical Applause; the Chief shoves it back: "The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule." Applause! Hooray for the unkillable Terrorist Threat!

"...our law enforcement officials..." That phrase again! "...You need to renew the Patriot Act... a mastermind of Spetember 11... awoke to find himself in custody... key player in the attack... two-thirds of their known leaders... remaining killers who hide... justice." Shot of the generals, soberly applauding.

"...Taliban... new constitution... businesses are opening... boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school... building a nation that is free and proud... America is honored to be their friend." See, it's not just about killing bad guys; we've made new friends as well.

"...since we last met... combat forces... enforced the demand of the United Nations... the people of Iraq are free." Boo-yah! Stuff that "no WMD" bullshit! We won a fucking war!

"...we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters... attack from the shadows... serious continuing danger... progress... found in a hole, and now sits in a prison sell." Where's Dad? No shot of Dad? "...of the top 55... captured or killed 45." Update your playing cards! "...our forces... on the offensive... average of 180 raids a week... thugs... as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime." They can run but etc.

"...America is always willing to do what it takes... the whim of one brutal man... Iraqi Governing Council... Bill of Rights... United Nations... full Iraqi sovereignty... enemies of freedom will do all in their power... tring to shake the will of our country... will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins." In case y'all were thinking of, y'know, ever getting out.

"...Iraqi people will live in freedom... honored to welcome... the current President... sir, America stands with you..." Pachachi, bless him, looks like a former bouncer now running for alderman in Springfield, MA.

"...the world is changing for the better... leader of Libya... disclose and dismantle... weapons of mass destruction... correctly judged that his country would be better off... without weapons of mass murder." Intimidation works.

"...accomplished what 12 years of diplomacy did not... for diplomacy to be effective... no one can now doubt the word of America... insisting that North Korea... Iran meet its commitments... committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the world's most dangerous regimes." And it will work everywhere else.

"...September 20, 2001... shield of a fallen officer... my complete commitment to securing our country... this pledge has been kept by me... you... cast the difficult votes... diplomats... skilled and tireless... military... hardest duty... midnight raids... lonely hours.. joy when they returned... sorrow... loss... honor of meeting... mess hall in Baghdad... America is proud of you... resources you need to fight and win the war on terror." The armed forces are Bush's most reliable punctuation mark. Even more so than "law enforcement."

"...some people question if America is in a war at all... law enforcement and indictments... some... sent to prison... matter was not settled... after the chaos and carnage of September 11... not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers." Now I see why "law enforcement" keeps coming up. This is the old Nixon law-and-order strategy writ large: a rebuke to the legal-aid types.

"...some in this chamber... did not support the liberation... principled motives... let us be candid... consequences of leaving Saddman Hussein in power... the Kay report... significant amounts of equipment... ad we failed to act... porgrams would continue... resolutions... empty threats... torture chambers... victims... killing fields... all who love freedom and peace... the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place."

I remember the litany of I-didn't-say-imminent horrors described by Bush last time out (here, and scroll to January 29) -- "One vial, one cannister, one crate... a day of horror like none we have ever known" -- and this is but a pale reprise; can this talisman have already lost its charm? Shot of Hillary robotically clapping -- in much the same manner with which she supported the invasion, no doubt.

"...some critics say... should be internationalized... hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark..." Aw, you get it, don't you? But he goes on: "As we debate at home.. vital contributions of our international partners... we have gained much support... America will never seek a permission slip." Boo-yah, again.

"...we also hear doubts... democracy... freedom is rare... mistaken and condescending... God has planted... freedom... crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again." Those Democrats, forever trying to keep Iraqis on the liberal plantation.

"...forward strategy of freedom... confront the allies of terror... Voice of America... expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian... new televsion service... double the budget for the National Endowment for Democracy..." Doubling a National Endowment? This shit is serious! "...free labor unions in the Middle East... light the way for others... transform a troubled part of the world." Yeah, just wait'll the first strike and Right to Work laws.

"...nation with a mission... no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire... peace founded upon the dignity of every man and woman... friends and allies.. our special calling... lead the cause of freedom." This is, as they say, the vision thing, and it would be wonderful to believe him.

"...last three years... fundamental strength of the American economy... corporate scandals... stimulate the economy... economy is strong and growing stronger." Here I believe the Congressmen were clapping much more loudly than the citizens.

"...doubled the child tax cedit... phased out the death tax... capital gains.. small businesses... lowered taxes for every Ameriican... put those dollars to work... driving this economy forward... third quarter... new home constructions... home ownership rates... manufacturing... interest rates... exports... jobs are on the rise." This, you see, is why we use the elliptical format -- it better renders the incantatory, magical nature of invocations such as this.

"...these numbers comfirm the American people are using their money far better than government would have and you were right to return it." Haw haw! Makes ya think of Reagan, don't it? When was the last time Bush made you think of him?

"...changing economy ... technology... more productive... workers need new skills... health care and biotechnology... good jobs.. reading and math... suppoosed to be learned in the early grades... for too long... skills never mastered. No Child Left Behind... 36 percent increase... standards... fundamentals... better options... excellence for every child in America." The 36 percent increase, BTW, refers to funding, not to results.

"...the status quo always has defenders... undermine.. weakening... common sense... we expect 3rd graders to read and do math at the 3rd grade level... help... nation will not go back to the days of shuffling children along... Act is opening the door to opportunity..." Goddamned teachers -- have to do something about them.

"...find work now... strong math and science... beyond the high-school level... 'Jobs for the 21st Century'..." At last, a new program with Capital Letters! "...expand advanced placement programs in low-income schoools... private sector... larger Pell Grants... increasing support for community colleges..." Was that Dem-clap again? "...so they can train workers... more and more Ameircans to join the growing prosperity of our country... pro-growth economic agenda."

"...the tax reductions you passed are set to expire..." Now comes the big, snarky Democrat volley of applause and cheers. "Unless you act, unless you act, unless you act..." Fuck you guys. "...the unfair tax on marriage... $300 more in federal taxes... small businesses... death tax will come back... Americans face a tax increase..." Was that a "boo"? "...for the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent."

Like the old Reagan era battles. But with the deficits this guy has racked up, can they ever have the same frisson?

"Small business owners... needless federal regulations... junk and frivolous lawsuits..." Well, they thought Edwards might be the Vice-Presidential nominee, anyway. "...consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy... modernize our electricity systems... less dependent on foreign sources of energy." A President always has to say that -- none more so than ones named Bush.

"...free and fair trade... entrepreneurs, manufacturers, and farmers..." Boy, there's a WPA frieze, huh? "...jobs... younger workers... saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account." Why not louder cheers? Is this not the reddest of meat for red-meat Republicans? "Make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the Amercan people, and we should limit the burden... by acting of good stewards of taxpayer dollars." Sounds like a fight broke out in the Chamber. Where's the Sergeant-at-Arms?

"...budget.. funds the war... limits the growth of discretionary spending to less than 4 percent..." Huh? "...cuts wasteful spending... be wise with the people's money... cut the deficit in half over the next five years."

The clapping and not-clapping go on as before, but can any viewer take this seriously? No matter; here comes the bill of legislative particulars:

"...reform our immigration laws... benefit our economy... new temporary worker program..." The silence is deafening. "...willing employers.... good for our economy... honest and orderly... protect our homeland..." Oh, for Christ's sake! "...law enforcement... I oppose amnesty... unfairly reward those who break our laws... citizenship path... millions of hard working men and women out from the shadows of American life." No, they don't buy it either.

"...health care... a time of change... amazing medical technologies... challenge... rising cost of medical care and insurance... expand the beneifts... bipatisan effort... strengthening Medicare... prescription drug benefit... Seniors can choose... card... 10 to 25 percent off the retail price..." It's beginning to sound like a late-night infomercial. "...additional $600... Seniors will have new coverage... wellness exams... January 2006, perscriptions drug coverage... bills cut roughly in half... keep their Medicare just as it is, or choose a Medicare plan that suits them best, just as you, members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs." The line is time-tested, but gets only sporadic applause. And Red Ted sure ain't going for it.

"...any attempt to limit the choice of seniors... will meet my veto." Louder applause. They love it when he's tough!

"...private health coverage... rapidly rising health care costs... small businesses... lower insurance rates.. pass Association Health Plans." Association Health Plans? I'll have to consult my playbook of privitization ploys later.

"...lower-income Americans... buy their own basic... computerizing health records... protect the doctor-patient relationship... eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits." They clearly like this anti-trial-lawyer thing. Is that why's Hillary's laughing so heartily?

"...catastrophic coverage... dedcut 100 percent from their taxes... government-run health care system is the wrong prescription... costs under control... private medicine makes America's health care the best in the world." Aw, shit, says the media-pool cameraman, I blew my Hillary shot in the last section!

"Great change... some things endure... courage.. reverence... respect... values... families and schools and religious congregations... unseen pillars of civilization... we will defend them..."

Here, of course, comes the nut-job nanny-state part of the program. (Yeah, I know health care is kinda nanny, but it's not nuts.)

"...drugs... confront this problem... law enforcement... drug use in high school has declined... new funding ... community-based strategies... additional $23 million for schools... We love you and we do not want to lose you." Soccer moms, this is for you, Republican-stylee.

"Good examples... athletics play such an important role in our society... use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids... dangerous... wrong message... short-cuts... I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players to take the lead... get rid of steroids now." But not on the government's dime! The cheapest bit so far, in every sense. Hey, Tom Brady's in the house!

"...three million teenagers contracted sexually-transmitted diseases that can harm them or kill them or prevent them from ever becoming parents..." Did he say "contracted" or "attracted"? And wait, what STD prevents them from (shut up, he's on a roll!) "...inform parents... double federal funding for abstinence... the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases..." No condoms for you! But tons of money.

"Children... parents, shcools,.. negative influence of the culture... value the insitituion of marriage... respect individuals... principles... passing the Defense of Marriage Act... signed by President Clinton..." Ouch, you had to get that in there, didn't you? "...protects marriage under federal law... judges, however, have begun redefining marriage..."

You know, one expects this from the guy, but it never ceases to make me especially sick.

"...people's voice must be heard... judges insist... arbitrary... only alternative... constitutional process... our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage." (Spin that, Sully!)

BTW: "Each individual has dignity and value in God's sight." Yeah, yeah.

"...also important... compassion of religious institutions... every creed... taking the hand of the lonely... contracts... just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a Crescent on the wall... milllions of dollars in grant money... codify this into law... people of faith will know that the law will never discrimiate against them again." He seems particularly passionate about this, or at least louder.

"...mentors to chidlren of prisoners... another group... 600,000 inmates will be released from prison... if they can't find work... 4-year, $300 million prisoner initiative... transitional housing... mentoring, including from faith-based groups." Chuck Colson, call your banker!

"...second chance... when the gates of prison open the path ahead should lead to a better life."

My cynicism abates a little here. That this ally of the powerful should take a moment (and $300 million) for the least powerful among us seems almost, well, Christian.

A good place to put this in a speech, if you're a truly cynical bastard.

"...tests we did not ask for... we have shown what kind of nation we are... courage... daring... victory... we sense that we live in a time set apart... character... calm in times of danger... toughness... partners in a great enterprise... a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island..."

Oh, fuck, not a little schoolgirl with a letter! "A letter -- ' Dear George W. Bush... age 10... what I can do to save our country... to our troops, please put: Ashley Pearson believes in you.'" Awwwww ralf. "Ashley... your message has been conveyed. And yes, you have some duties... study hard in school, listen to your mom and dad... and when you see a man or woman in uniform.. say thank you... while you do your part, all of us in this great chamber will do our part..." Oh, Jeez. "We now move forward with confidence... strong and steadfast.. the cause of all mankind... momentum of fredom... not carried forward by our power alone... the unfolding of the years... His purposes are just and true..." And the God thing, etc.

You know, as loud as he got and as comfortably as he smirked, I don't think he really had a coherent speech here. There's too much going on, too much of it beyond the real power of his Administration and, without an imminent ('scuse the language!) invasion, nothing to pull it through the eye of the needle.

But what do I know? Shields and Yarnell or whatever their names are have already led the charge of spinners working madly to make hay or horseshit of it. Let 'em have it. I've done my bit.