WHAT WAS HE ON?

Horse tranks?

The Formula?

Coke heavily cut with Tuinal?

Coronavirus?

Discuss.

UPDATE. Seriously, apart from the parts of the text that are already being revealed as bullshit, the guy is so clearly fucked up that I'm amazed not one of all the network and cable talking heads going harrumph harrumph tonight didn't just stop mid-gabble and start screaming, "I CAN'T LIVE A LIE ANYMORE! THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS FLOATIN' ON SNEAKY PETE WINE!" I have checked it and checked myself and I know I am not projecting -- this man is unwell, and the fact that much of the country is going "It's good what Donald did -- real good!" is at least as frightening as the virus.

UPDATE 2.  Well, that worked out great:

Trading halted on Wall Street after stock plunge triggers 'circuit breaker'

The Dow fell 2,000 points and the S&P plummeted by 7 percent, marking the second time on Thursday that trading was temporarily suspended...

All three major averages sank after Trump’s Oval Office address Wednesday night failed to satisfy traders who were hoping for more concrete steps to allay any economic slowdown from the viral outbreak. 

Now, as I hope the financial crisis and all that came after has shown us, the Dow is not a good indicator of the health of the economy -- it's just a good indicator of the health of the market. And the folks who run that game don't like the... let us say unsteadiness of the government's approach.

Veep's doin' his part:

On CNN this morning, Alisyn Camerota explained that Trump isn't actually suspending "all travel" from Europe and asked Pence why the confusion.

Pence responded that there isn't confusion and praised Trump for his "historic" move to "suspend all travel from Europe."

— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) March 12, 2020

Between his disastrous stewardship of the Indiana AIDS crisis and this, I begin to think that Pence's apparent stupidity is actually a ruse to mask the intentional destructiveness of his leadership in any given role.  Almost makes me respect him!

UPDATE 3. Meanwhile, in opposite land:

I shit you not. Attend Lowry's reasoning:

He emphasized best practices for personal hygiene and mentioned social distancing. He didn’t sugarcoat the threat to the elderly, urging them to avoid crowds. He also touted an agreement with the health-insurance industry to eliminate co-pays for treatment and to prevent surprise billing.

Yeah, he "touted" a treatment agreement that doesn't exist.

It was on the rest of the policy that it got fizzy. The headline item was a 30-day travel ban from Europe. That might make sense given the spiraling cases on the continent, although we are obviously beyond being able to keep the virus from our shores.

It "might make sense... although we are obviously beyond [doing the thing the policy is supposed to do]" is the sort of thing you say when you are fully committed to the bit and just hoping the rabble doesn't catch on, storm your McMansion, and tear you to pieces before The Leader can reward you with a golden fortress on the moon.