[Scene: A garishly appointed suite in Trump Tower. TRUMP and SESSIONS enter.]
TRUMP: Jeffy, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Listen, you want champagne? Caviar? Some mints?
SESSIONS: (laughing) Now, Mistah Trump, some folks might think you were tryin' to bribe me! An' if ah am to work with you, everything must be above-boahd.
TRUMP: Spoken like an attorney -- in general! Get it? Attorney? General? You play your cards right, you never know. C'mon, have a mint.
SESSION: Ah'd really rather not.
TRUMP: (Holds out mint) Attorney? GEN-e-ral? (SESSIONS takes the mint.) Makes your breath nice. I eat 'em like candy when I'm boffing Melania. It's the little things that make a marriage.
[Sound of toilet flush. SESSIONS looks with slight alarm at TRUMP.]
TRUMP. Relax, people come and go around here.
SESSION: (nervous laughter) I hope you don't plan on runnin' the White House that-a-way!
TRUMP: Just you wait.
[SERGEY KISLYAK saunters in, dressed in a bathrobe and gold chains. He and TRUMP exchange bear hugs.]
TRUMP: Sergey! You get the fruit basket? Whoo! I smell vodka.
KISLYAK: (turning toward SESSIONS) So -- is munchkin our new friend? (grabs SESSIONS' hands) You have tiny face like babushka!
SESSIONS: Thank you, Mistah, uh --
KISLYAK: (puts finger to lips, then returns to grasping a nervous SESSIONS' hands) I have no name.
TRUMP: Yeah, he looks like the Russian Ambassador, but really he's just from housekeeping.
KISLYAK: Yes, I am like how you say the plumbers. And now we are all plumbers. Like the Nixon plumbers! But these plumbers, they don't go to jail -- hah, Meester Attorneys General? Ba ha ha ha!
SESSIONS: (yanks hands away) Pahdon me, suh! (Goes to TRUMP, whispers urgently) What in tarnation are you doin', Mistah Trump? Ah can't be meetin' with the Russians and you at the same tahm! It ain't seemly!
TRUMP: Look, you can't put the ketchup back in the bottle, Jeffy. What's done is done. Now you got two choices: You can resign from the campaign -- but you can't say why, because of the NDA, so you'll just look like a big dummy. Or you can stay and have some snacks and listen to my good friend Sergey from housekeeping talk about international policy.
SESSION: (swallows hard, sits on couch) Ah think ah will have thet drink now. Y'all have any sour mash?
TRUMP: Try the Trump Bourbon. The best bourbon or sour mash or whatever you people call it. Made from potatoes. Sergey, what'll you have?
KISLYAK: Syria! (He and TRUMP laugh.) More vodka, tovarich. And maybe prostitute.
TRUMP: (dialing room service) That's what I like to see -- everyone relaxed and having a good time. Now, Sergei -- what's it worth to our "friend" to get Alaska back?
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