Thursday, July 30, 2015


The Republican Party is at present in (to echo the immortal words of Ken Russell) a weird, feeble state.  My heart goes out to them and in the ancient tradition I offer suggestions for their restoration:

1. To pre-empt the threat that belligerent oaf Donald Trump poses to the debates, forget about relying on the "serious" candidates to make him look ridiculous; just say to hell with decorum entirely and flood the stage with other joke candidates who will distract from him. Some possibilities:
The ensuing brawl will discharge tensions, purge bad blood, and leave the Party faithful ready and perhaps even eager for the more traditional meaningless yammer.

2. In the wake of the Planned Parenthood sting videos, your Party's presidential candidates should follow the lead of its intellectual class and beef up their anti-abortion cred by actually picketing clinics while carrying pictures of dismembered fetuses. Stirring speeches at press conferences won't achieve nearly as dramatic an effect on whatever voters you expect to influence as film of your candidate screaming "MURDERER!" at a terrified teenage girl. And imagine the footage when the storm-trooper clinic escorts mix it up with your candidate's security! Call up Joe Miller's and Rand Paul's old teammates for pointers.

3. The story line that Obama's treaty with Iran is shameful because it doesn't involve American prisoners held by their government should be dynamite, but it's not getting any mileage for a reason: Nobody knows the prisoners. But if one of your candidates should somehow get to Tehran and wind up in custody, think of the press, and the ensuing drumbeat for war -- "Remember [Your Name Here]!" Never mind the logistics, Bud MacFarlane has a package all worked out for you. Carly Fiorina would be a good choice, as the threatened-womanhood angle has always worked well in jingoistic propaganda; but really, any or all of the candidates could with profit be sent to Iran. (If they should balk at the idea, tell them they'll be greeted as liberators.)

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