They're still turning out unique material. Here are some passages from "The Enforcement of Happiness" by Jamie Wilson, which as you'd never guess is about some dystopian future OR IS IT when Gummint micromanages everything about us:
"We're from the Racial Relations Council? Health and Human Services?" The slight young man stepped in hesitantly, followed by a tiny Hispanic woman in a sensible black suit and an older black man wearing a pristine white lab coat. Marcus held his smile, though his forehead wrinkled a bit in confusion. What, he wondered, was up with the entourage?
"I understand you needed to talk to me about racial compliance. As you have no doubt seen for yourself, our hiring patterns are--"
Smith waved him off. "We have your records, sir. Blue Screen International has done a stellar job of racio-sexual/gender/ethno balancing."Spoiler, Lloyd Marcus twist:
"And your wife is Mrs. Leticia Jackson, born in Biloxi, Mississippi. You yourself were born in Harlem?"
"My parents worked hard to get me out of Harlem," Marcus said almost reflexively.
The semi-autonomous Harlem, effectively a gang state, had a very bad name these days...Damn liberals ruined that Harlem. You probably don't need or want any more hints, but here:
"So we're here as a courtesy. We would be happy to provide you with our new free government service, Racial Reassignment Treatment. One quick little prick--" he chuckled, "--and your insides match your outsides. It's tragic that pseudo-African-American people like Clarence Thomas and Condoleezza Rice did not have this option. It would have made their lives so much easier."...It's the good black people versus the bad black people, which you have to admit is pretty classic.
The dark-skinned man in the lab coat leaned over Marcus. "Race traitor," he whispered. "Oreo. Uncle Tom."
It's tragic that pseudo-African-American people like Clarence Thomas and Condoleezza Rice did not have this option. It would have made their lives so much easier."...
ReplyDeleteThis is Jack Chick dialogue reworked for the Bircher literary wannabes. They've just erased the panels and artwork and kept the captions and speech balloons.
Oh, so it's Riders of the Purple Wage as written by someone who never go the handle of basic exposition. That's sure to be a crowd-pleaser.
ReplyDeleteDamn liberals ruined that Harlem. You probably don't need or want any more hints, but here:
ReplyDeleteLeave it to some conservative bubble boy to be totally ignorant of Harlem's gentrification.
b;lepourea! dap[skd'a94id! and dpiou49f;a!! !!11!!!
ReplyDeleteHey they're right! It has made me incoherent!
Smith waved him off. "We have your records, sir. Blue Screen International has done a stellar job of racio-sexual/gender/ethno balancing."
ReplyDeleteTHEY BLEW IT UP IF ONLY THEY HAD STOPPED OBAMACARE WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE DAMN YOU DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL
Perfect analogy.
ReplyDeleteJamie is the owner of conservativefiction.com and a Navy wife and mother of five. She has always been a writer.
ReplyDeleteBest bio ever.
Has she always been at war with Eastasia?
ReplyDeleteReads like it was put through some kind of translator. I prefer my right-wing literature in the original Moron.
ReplyDeleteI was unaware that liberals wanted to turn conservative black people white. Thanks for letting me know, Jamie Wilson.
ReplyDelete"The dark-skinned man in the lab coat leaned over Marcus. "Race traitor," he whispered. "Oreo. Uncle Tom." "
ReplyDeleteConservative porn really is different.
"Liberty Island Makes 'Em Crazy -- A Sampling of Liberals Being Driven to Incoherence by Our Eloquence and Moxie."
ReplyDeleteThis is even sadder than a bunch of physically and spiritually unappealing men assuring themselves that they drive the hot bitches crazy, only they're too stuck up too admit it.
As for the excerpted Ripping Tale. I do hope it becomes part of the GOP's minority outreach.
I feel like a traitor to socialism saying so, but this rightwing no-nothing rantfest masquerading as fiction is better than I thought it would be.
ReplyDelete"HAW! HAW! HAW!" said Obama, as he furiously made out with his male devil-wife.
ReplyDeleteNot a single yeti, either. No wonder I'm a liberal.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first two paragraphs were surprisingly competent, as far as info-dump sci-fi goes. The third paragraph went up Batshit Creek without a paddle, though.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to see they are sticking with their minority outreach program.
ReplyDeleteI think I still prefer star trek or anime fan fiction over this drivel. They never make sense: the guy in the lab coat is calling the business owner all sorts of names but he seems perfectly ok with doing the pricking. So who's really the race traitor?
ReplyDeleteYou lie. That's cat typing if I've ever seen it.
ReplyDelete"Dear Penthouse Forum: You won't believe this, but as I was blogging about the coming race war, this really happened...."
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking that myself. They don't get around much, I guess.
ReplyDeleteWhere's the obligatory scene with the sneering professor and the brave Marine kid?
ReplyDelete"It would have made their lives so much easier."
ReplyDeleteOurs, too: If Thomas had been white, he'd never have been considered for the Supreme Court. Fucking affirmative action!
I think Heinlein had the sneering, hectoring professor and brave space Marine kid thing all wrapped up back in 1959. As it is, why hasn't there been more Starship Troopers conserva-fanfic?
ReplyDeleteThat's because you've never attended the black Illuminati's secret meetings as Wilson has. Wilson clearly uncovered their plan is thus:
ReplyDelete1. Turn conservative black people white.
2. ???
3. World domination.
Who are you to doubt the effectiveness of this Underpants Gnome-style plan?
Hm-m, a representative of the "Racial Relations Council" with a limp handshake and fussy-looking glasses. I wonder what race he's supposed to be. I mean, I guess he's white, since the other two are black and Hispanic and his name isn't Wang or Dung, but there's something about this guy I just can't put my finger in--I mean on.
ReplyDeleteThey're too busy taking the movie completely literally.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, we've gotten irony-free remakes of Total Recall and RoboCop now. How far off can Starship Troopers: This Time We Mean It be?
Next from LI: Blurg A butch conservative blogger with moxie enters a wormhole and discovers he's living in his own asshole where has a dinner party that totally flummoxes the liberals he finds there.
ReplyDeleteGah. What's "incoherent" about any of the liberal critiques of Liberty Island anyway? I read many of them and they seem perfectly understandable.
Damme, you beat me to it. Somehow they omitted the second clause of the last sentence, "...so why is this such dreck?"
ReplyDeleteShirley by "return to" you mean "escape from," no?
ReplyDelete...His huge dark hand neatly enveloped Smith's smaller, limp hand...
ReplyDelete...Smith sat and opened his briefcase to remove a file, sliding on a pair of fussy-looking reading glasses...
..."You have no Negro dialect unless you want to have one. You are articulate and bright and clean, a nice-looking guy if I may say so." Smith looked coy when he said that, winking flirtatiously.
You know what I love about outspoken conservative fiction writers? The light touch that they bring to characterization.
He...might have touched upon that? From the story:
ReplyDeleteHe'd bought [his parents] a house only last year, trying to repay what could never be repaid. He remembered there had been some HUD issue over that, something about destabilizing the youth by moving out older anchor citizens.
I'm not familiar enough with gentrification to know if the above means anything or if it's just bullshit.
"Moocher. We should abolish Medicaid", he said to no one in particular, drinking in the flush feeling of a thousand orgasms pulsating throughout his electrified body. "Flat...ta..ta..tax." He exploded into his Forbes, pausing only for a moment to check out the ad for the new Ford Escort.
ReplyDeleteHey, we've seen her before. She's the one who wrote that weirdly porny noir story where the guy was carrying a loaded .45 and three full magazines comfortably in his inside pocket.
ReplyDeleteOf course he's white. They never mention his race, and as we all know Caucasian is the neutral race.
ReplyDeleteRiding the Uptown Downtown
ReplyDeleteA conservative writer finds herself in an unlikely romance with a blue collar black man who shares her bus route in NYC when she discovers that he says what she only dares to think.
It Can Happen Here 2
An Oklahoman coma victim wakes up to find the U.S. is ruled by a Kenyan strongman.
"STARSHIP TROOPERS: ROY EDROSO IS A GIANT VAGINA-BUG!"
ReplyDelete~
You have no Negro dialect unless you want to have one.
ReplyDeleteBecause Negroes are all born with the JivePaq installed but some only run it at need. What better way to flummox whitey and keep him in the dark about the coming Revolution?
Eloquence? By that, do they mean the stilted drivel they've been publishing? I mean, shit, I never knew that pixels could smell.
ReplyDeleteMoxie? Lessee, a term popular in the `30s, prompted by a drink from the `20s that was at best distributed in the Northeast and virtually disappeared in the `60s. That makes nearly three generations that don't have a clue what the word means. That does make it somehow fitting when attributed to Liberty Island, but not in the way they think.
But, what's amazing about this exercise in futility is the ongoing, truly demented obsession with culture as warfare, and yet, in so doing, everything they publish screams contrived propaganda, and bad propaganda at that. It's as if they seem determined to paraphrase Goebbels, "our fiction is superior to their fiction!"
I suppose this is to be expected from people who think Ayn Rand was the greatest novelist of the 20th century, and it explains why they're rather proud of the sophomoric, lifeless dreck they insist is writing, But, honestly, they don't make me crazy. They make me mildly amused, and a little sad.
I believe that bit is a reference to something that someone (Harry Reid?) said like seven years ago. That's the other thing you've got to love about outspoken conservative fiction writers - they always use references that are fresh and timely.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what "...destabilizing the youth by moving out older anchor citizens," is supposed to mean. Are we supposed to envision HUD thugs hauling grandma and grandpa away until the neighborhood devolves into an urban Lord of the Flies but with really big rats instead of pigs.
ReplyDeleteThat's not how HUD works. Or gentrification. But she's certainly showing off her Skreecabulary.
I don't know why we'd want to. Once they turn white they'll be able to carry guns around in public without once being shot by police.
ReplyDeleteI DO want to know more.
ReplyDeleteLooks like its a congenital defect then.
ReplyDeleteBlue Screen International
ReplyDeleteIs that a dig at Microsoft?
Dear national review, I never thought this would happen to me...
ReplyDelete"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," Biden said. "I mean, that's a storybook, man."
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd seen that before.
Maybe not. If you're lucky you haven't heard this one, but "some say" that was the "real" problem w/ integration, that bankers, doctors, lawyers & other members of the black establishment left as soon as they could live elsewhere, & thereby all good & proper role models for black youth disappeared.
ReplyDeleteI suspect it would be more like thugs from the Sheriff's Dep't. serving eviction notices on old folks w/ wanted property at the behest of developers rather than H.U.D. thugs, but the real difference is minor.
Yes, she managed to take Biden's foot-feast and bring it in line with an even dumber stereotype about African-Americans. Why not have tiny handed homophobic stereotype dude mention the protagonist's lack of natural rhythm and refusal to drive a powder blue Caddy?
ReplyDeleteYou missed the sequels?
ReplyDeleteMissed. Studiously ignored.
ReplyDeleteTomato. Tomahto.
Reminds me of the guy who was in a coma from sometime in the '50s until just after Eisenhower died in 1969.
ReplyDeleteHe wakes from his coma, looks out the window, sees flags at half mast & asks, "Who died?" He's told, "Eisenhower," at which point he screams "Oh no, that means that bastard Nixon is the President."
(Sadly, not true. From the Nat'l. Lampoon about 40 yrs. ago.)
Indeed, they are as subtle as they are eloquent.
ReplyDeleteNothing fresher or timelier in the future than reaching into your "briefcase to remove a file."
ReplyDeleteNot even going near the reading glasses, they're so damn fussy.
Except in Starship Troopers the plucky Marine isn't actually a Marine yet, and the sneering professor is sneering because he's not good enough to hack it in the Corps.
ReplyDeleteLOL. No I hadn't heard that one, but it doesn't surprise me.To review:
ReplyDeleteSlavery - Good for black people because it got them out of Africa and gave them a shot at being Christians.
Desegregation - Bad for black people because it allowed them to leave the ghettos.
Voting - Bad for black people because they keep voting for welfare.
And so on.
why are all these negroes sucking my dialect?
ReplyDeleteWell, yeah - but I wasn't gonna let my familiarity and genuinely* high regard for ST get in the way of a joke.
ReplyDelete*No fooling - I think it's the Across Five Aprils of YA science fiction.
"Ed Roso! I thought you were dead!!"
ReplyDeleteC'mon Clyde! That moxie they're putting down is straight from the fridge, Midge!
ReplyDeleteThe Left Hand of Dorkness
ReplyDeleteHilarious send-up of left wing assumptions about the mutability of gender and support of stupid trannies, all told through a visit to a cold, gender-neutral bathroom of the future.
To Your Scattered Souls Go
Liberals discover Hell is real, in a hilarious send-up of atheists' faith in "science."
Handmaid's Tale 2: The Awesomening
A hilarious send-up of liberals failing to cope with a utopia.
The Earth Is A Harsh Master
A delightful confirmation that there ain't no such thing as a free lunch, iykwimaityd! (for people of color, if you didn't)
More like "50 Cent of Gray" or "Palin Fever."
ReplyDeleteFor some of Ms. Wilson's more realistic work, check out this:
"If you love supernatural, that would be my Helen Highwater/Hat-Re stories. Helen is an Appalachian seer who shares her daily world with the spirits. Hat-re, in (currently) unrelated stories set in the same universe, is an ancient Egyptian with peculiar powers and a large, extended family. My fantasy is primarily set in the world of Llysse, where a world-goddess literally gone mad is wreaking havoc. Science fiction stories are all over the place, from cyberpunk to space opera. My historicals are mostly based around American history, with a strong patriotic foundation. Finally, I write historical romance, more or less Regencies, in which the land of Faerie and the land of mortals are dangerously close together."
And here she pulls your'n laig:
"That means you won't find stories that support a liberal worldview - and you won't find stories that are basically conservative polemic screeds. My papaw taught me young that stories, all by themselves, are important. So that's what I write. Good stories, infused with my worldview, which happens to be conservative."
But of course!
ReplyDeleteKNOWLEDGE IS GOOD.
- Faber College
http://www.nappertime.com/v-for-vagina-four-reasons-why-starship-troopers-is-the-greatest-sci-fi-satire-of-all-time/
~
By George I think she's got it.
ReplyDeleteCan i upgrade to a jivepac? Sometimes my downtonabbeypac runs a little slow and the police dont seem to follow me as much when im using it.
ReplyDeleteShe lives in Augusta, GA. the last time she saw a city was... never probably.
ReplyDeleteI still find it hard to believe that anybody could not pick up Verhoeven's intent in Starship Troopers as I thought it heavy handed at times. But apparently he needed to have title-cards saying "Sarcasm!" at regular intervals.
ReplyDeleteSeriously? These are real quotes from this guy? You didn't tweak them or make them up? WTF is wrong with these people?
ReplyDeleteI think she imagines it as one of those ironical pop-culture references like the hipsters do.
ReplyDeleteIf you avoid science fiction by authors with nutty-right wing views, then your China Meiville novels are going to be pretty lonely.on the bookshelf.
ReplyDeleteYeah this was my response. Once I noticed it, I was genuinely rather upset. Let's look at that passage again:The slight young man stepped in hesitantly, followed by a tiny Hispanic woman in a sensible black suit and an older black man wearing a pristine white lab coat.That the slight young man (and of course he's slight, and not big or macho; to hammer this home he later flirts with the gentleman, in the same passage where we encounter his limp wrist) is White is not stated. It doesn't need to be stated; the author identifes the Hispanic woman and the older Black man (though note that in the passage "Hispanic" is capitalized and "black" is not), but Smith's Caucasian appearance merits no such disclosure, because his is the default race, it's the others who are weird.
ReplyDeleteI believe it is well known on the Island of Libety [sic] that the only white people in the liberal camp are sexual deviates. I'm a bit surprised there wasn't a gargantuan bulldagger w/ the other stereotypes visiting B.S. International.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's the bee's knees!
ReplyDeleteHelen Highwater? Helen Highwater?
ReplyDeleteThere's a simple explanation for this. I assume you're familiar with the maxim that if you look around the table and you can't spot the sucker, it means you are the sucker? Well, the wingers know that one too. The problem is, what they don't realize is that just because you can spot the sucker doesn't mean you aren't also the sucker. When the winger looks around the table at their compatriots trying to spot the sucker, they're spoiled for choice. They therefore feel certain it can't be them that's the sucker, and so they don't realize they need to question things and think more deeply.
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna go ahead and assume the "one little prick" puns have been made already.
ReplyDelete"Oh yes, talk dirty. Talk... racially-tinged dirty!"
ReplyDeleteThey all want to be the next Kurt Vonnegut, but they don't have the essential shitload of talent...
ReplyDeleteYou ain't seen nuthin' yet. When she gets passed over for a Hugo , they'll be ululating with rage that it's proof the that the liberals who truly are the ones waging a war on women.
ReplyDeleteSay, that's Jake! You really know your onions! What say you and me go get zozzled?
ReplyDeletehttp://news.yahoo.com/sound-bees-knees-dictionary-1920s-slang-203421465.html;_ylt=A0LEV0thMOxTW3sA9HhXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTEzZGppMG45BHNlYwNzcgRwb3MDOQRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1ZJUDUwMF8x
"She has always been a writer... of crap."
ReplyDeleteAccording to this, you prefer German food to soul food.
ReplyDeleteIs the accusation against the hero that he's too white, or that he has damaged taste buds?
"She carried a pair of .38s... and a gun."
ReplyDeleteYou misspelled "reacharound".
ReplyDelete"That's not writing. That's typing." —Truman Capote
ReplyDeleteYou got your fiction written by a writer who happens to be a Libertarian, fiction (usually but not always) written by a Libertarian where the story carries a discernible Libertarian message which the reader is free to accept, reject, or ignore (my usual choice), and Libertarian Fiction in which the message tries to carry a story, usually not very well, or even willingly. Guess which category sells more books? Guess which category is full of authors whose hobby is bitching and moaning about how few books they sell?
ReplyDeleteI guess they all figure, hell, if Rand could do it, they should be able to. And, considering the quality of her work, maybe they have a point. Looked at that way, though, it's obviously a Bad Book Jackpot Lottery, and how many can win?
One quick little prick--" he chuckled, "--and your insides match your outsides.
ReplyDeleteThink of the possibilities. One little injection and Thomas Sowell really would become white on the outside. Hell, Allen West would be positively Aryan. Bill Clinton might turn out to look just like James Brown, but even after 187 injections Justin Bieber would still be an ofay pale tweaker.
But think of the possibilities beyond race. Shoot up David Brooks and he'd turn into a campus WASP, circa 1957 debate club. Lloyd Blankfein would develop the skin of a vampire bat, Peggy Noonan would morph into the spittin' image of Old Grand-Dad, and Robert Stacy McCain would look exactly like a klan-loving racist cracker... Okay. Some people are resistant to its effects.
But best of all, one quick little prick and Jonah Goldberg would completely disappear.
Hell, Allen West would be positively Aryan.
ReplyDeleteThen he could join that motorcycle club he was palling around with...
I believe the proper term is 'dusky talk'.
ReplyDeleteI just love the kind of scientific mind who thinks dialect can be medically induced. Like flipping a lightswitch, I'm sure. "Why yes, old chap, my portfolio is doing quite well. Martini?" flick "Daaaaaamn, son!"
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of heartwarming, actually. She's just discovering the old hack-comedian trick of "Black people be like this" and thinks it's good enough to base a sci-fi story around.
There was a San FrancIsco Mime Troupe play about a sixties activist who awoke from a Rip Van Winkle sleep in the eighties and picks up a paper that has a headline about Reagan. "Only in California could a nut like Reagan be elected!" he says, to the audience's peals of laughter.
ReplyDeleteWTF?!?!? This guy is getting far better recreational drugs than we are. He's thousands of miles up there....
ReplyDeleteDon't you just love it when white people tell black people how they are supposed to behave (and think) if they were only proper and upstanding (and probably obsequious and subservient) blacks and did things the white right way....
ReplyDeleteCorrection: "... any talent ... even as generously judged by someone looking to be kind to someone clearly in need of some positive acknowledgment for some reason.
ReplyDeleteI'd have a completely different take on that site if it had been "Oreo, Uncle Tom."
ReplyDeleteI have a Laugh-In book of cartoons by Ray Doty from the actual Laugh-In era, that has a "Tomorrow's News Today" headline at the bottom of one page datelined 1980 that mentions "President Reagan."
ReplyDeleteIt actually took me a few years to figure out that the book long since predated the actual President Reagan. I was born in the middle 70s, so...
German food is the wurst!
ReplyDeleteHe gave me an executive order to submit. A mixture of fear and excitement overcame me but ultimately, my attempts at filibuster were defeated. He pulled out his legislative packaged and rammed it down my throat ...
ReplyDeleteSchnitzel & grits, chitlins mit Spätzle, mmmm! Can't we all just get along?
ReplyDeleteShe's married to Noah Sark.
ReplyDelete... or be redundant.
ReplyDeletePajama Boy Bureaucrat
ReplyDeleteOh, so "no Nigras allowed" then. (They might get the white pages dirty.)
ReplyDeleteMoxie. Oh, yes, moxie.
ReplyDeleteThey wouldn't even have the goddamn common courtesy to give them a reach-around.
ReplyDeleteSo wait, the limp wristed liberal used the term "Negro dialect"? How does that work?
ReplyDeleteNah, he'd turn into a box of Hungry Man breakfast.
ReplyDeleteThey'll be OK, in great company with the P. K. Dick novels.
ReplyDeleteDude, that's simply not true. I have some Niven on my shelf who in turn feels pretty lonely and I do like and possess more than a few Sf/F novels..
ReplyDeleteFun fact: Dick thought that Stanislaw Lem really was a committee of Soviet hjacks who wanted to infiltrate American SF with communist propaganda.
ReplyDeleteStill doesn't hold a candle to the gone but not forgotten (at least among pulp fiction aficionadoes) Justin Case, the pseud of Hugh B. Cave.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that this is still cracking me up a day later.
ReplyDeleteDick was capable of believing a lot of things, depending on what pills he'd popped that day. Definitely a genius, though.
ReplyDeleteExactly what I was thinking.
ReplyDeleteI guess when they option this and turn it into a movie (at Rick "the Dick" Santorum's production company) they'll have to CGI the character, since no conservative-- actor or otherwise-- could pull off the look, seeing as how they'd be too manly and straight to play such a part. Of course they'd have to CGI all the other characters since the lack of melanin (to say nothing of a distinct lack of character depth/dimension) in these putative conservative thespians would pose a similar problem . . . or perhaps their lack of shame would lead them to decide to do black- (or brown, as it were) face for actors in the non-Caucasian roles.
It's Dystopia-tastic! In a world...where Harlem has "went native" [wink-wink], the gov't still has the pockets and resources to sponsor programs to re-assign race.
ReplyDeleteI think they need to spend less time and money on PR and actually hire some fucking editors.
Or he'd assume his true doughy form.
ReplyDeleteOh fuck, they've got MOXIE? Look out everybody, they're gonna take all the young people born between 1945 and 1955... ;)
ReplyDelete