Wednesday, December 18, 2013


As I have observed a few times, Duck Dynasty holds a special place in the American conservative pantheon, and they're going to get a few more votive candles now that one of the Dynasty's rich sporting goods salesmen has told GQ that homosexuality is a sin and been disciplined by the corporation that holds the contract on his TV show. Let PJ Media's Bryan Preston translate that into moron for you:
Robertson gave an interview to GQ, in which he is reported to have expressed opinions that run afoul of the current political correctness, which places gay rights and sensitivities above the rights of others to their opinions. Expressing such opinions often leads to conflicts with the thought police, proving once again that a liberal doesn’t really care what you think, as long as you agree with them entirely.
Let's not pretend there's a principle involved here -- these guys aren't known for defending workers' rights, outside of those rare occasions where some millionaire has gotten into trouble for saying something bigoted that they agree with. (Though to be fair this isn't a hard and fast rule -- I don't recall them rushing  to Alec Baldwin's defense, for example.) If you got fired for organizing a union, I wouldn't expect Sarah Palin to stick up for you.

As for Papa Duck or whatever he's called, I imagine he can afford good lawyers, and wouldn't have given A&E room to suspend him if he could have gotten away with it. Maybe he wanted to be on TV that badly. That's capitalism, comrade.

But I think the Dynasts are actually playing it cagey here. They warmed up the wingnuts with their fundamentalist Christianity, but eventually they had to take things up a notch or their fans might come to realize they were watching just another shitty reality show. Gay-baiting would be a brilliant way to get that crowd to feel the magic all over again.

Maybe conservatives will have a new version of "Chick-fil-A Day" in Duck Dynasty's honor. That should be a huge success -- hell, the brethren don't even have to haul their asses out to a fast-food joint; they can just vote with their clickers: a perfect simulacrum of democracy for angry shut-ins.

UPDATE. In comments, Spaghetti Lee explains the confusion: For these people, "'capitalism' is not so much an economic system as a talisman that they use to destroy the liberals." In the abstract, they'd agree that a contract is a contract -- in fact, they'd probably be very strong on honoring commitments to one's employer, since worker protections are according to their theology mooching  -- but in the particular they consider Martin Bashir getting canned to be common decency because Palin, and Duck Daddy getting canned to be Hitler because Obamafag. Economics had a place in the conservative landscape -- say Hayek and frack! -- but, as we saw in the previous post, symbology trumps all.

UPDATE 2. Also from comments, I must thank Xecky Gilchrist for the apposite quote from William Gibson (boy, never thought I'd say those words!): "[Slitscan's audience] is best visualized as a vicious, lazy, profoundly ignorant, perpetually hungry organism craving the warm god-flesh of the anointed..."


  1. Spaghetti Lee11:36 PM

    I don't watch the show, but I get the impression that the family sees themselves as a modern Beverly Hillbillies or Prairie Home Companion: downhome, folksy, goofy antics, perhaps primarily intended for the benefit of people who have never lived outside of a big city to watch and say "Wow, those rural people sure are funny and quirky!"

    Problem is, open homophobia isn't "quirky" to most people anymore, so much as actively aggressive and hateful, and that's not what A&E wants: this show isn't a zillion-dollar juggernaut because only homophobes and right-wing culture-war weirdos watch it. (And someone as rich as Robertson didn't get that way by being a complete idiot when it comes to PR, so I assume he's just giving his honest opinion here, not that it makes it any better. What does he care? If it ruins him he's got millions to fall back on.) It's been said many times, but by God, A&E is a corporation and they're out to sell their product, and you can't sell the product if people hate it.

    It's been said many times, but the conservative love of capitalism vanishes real quick when it leaves them in the dust. Yes, of course they don't understand it: just like Duck Dynasty is a shorthand symbol for All Things Good In The World (and credit to the interviewer for not simplifying everything down to easy platitudes), "capitalism" is not so much an economic system as a talisman that they use to destroy the liberals. When they're rudely reminded that capitalism isn't just for them, of course they start squealing, because it should be just for them.

  2. Spaghetti Lee11:50 PM

    Also, synchronicity: the writer is Drew Magary, who writes for GQ and Deadspin. I mostly read the latter, and he posted this teaser for the GQ article earlier today: This was his overall impression after interviewing Robertson:

    "Whenever you meet face-to-face with people you don't necessarily see
    eye-to-eye with and talk to them and drink lots of beer with them, you're almost
    always more likely to understand them and like them. That's how it works."

    So he's already smarter than the right-wing nuts who think the show is a political proxy war and nothing else. (If you'd rather see Robertson and co. taken apart like a cheap watch, read the comments: Deadspin's part of the Gawker octopus and probably the only majority left-wing sports site on the internet)

    Magary's a hilarious writer and TBogg-level good with the snark, so while I can't say that I hope the right-wing legions of blog-hell descend on him as their enemy of the week-I wouldn't wish that on anyone-if it does turn out that way I'll be interested in seeing the sparks fly. (Given that his standard shtick already is something like "manic paranoia, persecution complex, and a slow-burning masculinity crisis"-think a more shouty Woody Allen-the rightbloggers may find him that a lot of their stock threats and insults will slide right off.)

  3. DocAmazing11:57 PM

    Next: Honey Boo Boo makes an anti-Semitic remark during sweeps week. Hilarity ensues.

  4. JennOfArk12:03 AM

    I think it's more that the old man Robertson is savvy to what it takes to get your cut of that sweet, sweet wingnut welfare. A few months ago he was complaining that the show bleeps out words to make it look like they're cursing when they aren't but they never show any of the times when they're being good and Jesus-y. Dissing the homos is just another way of playing to his audience of aggrieved white Heartlanders.

    The whole thing is fake as shit - I think all three of the boys have college degrees, of course the family was wealthy before the show, and this is what they looked like before they figured out that growing beards, playing hick and playing to a specific audience's bigotries, biases, etc. could make them even wealthier:

  5. Duck Dynasty -- Isn't that one of those Spike Jones classics?

    Anyway, this thread calls for a wisequack or two, so why not double down and wing it... May gawd strike me blind if this isn't called for.

    (And please, no nested responses.)

  6. Budbear1:03 AM

    You sound a little down. I hope you're not in a fowl mood from having to pay the bill.

  7. stepped_pyramids1:16 AM

    Deadspin is by far the best part of the Gawker octopus.

  8. BellBottomBlues1:28 AM

    Or maybe they could have a duck fillet day - sorry, couldn't resist.

  9. Formerly_Nom_De_Plume1:40 AM

    Robertson then paraphrased Corinthians from the Bible

    Well shit, to wingnuts pretty much the entire Bible is one giant paraphrase. You'd think you could get a direct quote from the best selling book of all time, but all you ever get is "Here's what I think it means". They should just rename the fucking thing "Somebody else is going to hell" and be done with it.

  10. TheBigBlueHeeler1:43 AM

    Fancy seeing you here, What a small world.

  11. Odder3:20 AM

    --Umm, it appears that I may have slightly confused Chuck with Spike. It's hard to keep up with the Joneses in this brave new world.

  12. Spaghetti Lee3:26 AM

    I would pay approximately all the money for a classic-WB-style cartoon with the Robertsons trying and failing to shoot Daffy. Make this happen, someone! HOO HOO! HOO HOO!

  13. I've seen these photos, and I only know about the show through the Matrix, having never seen an episode or clip myself, but your comment helps clarify my confusion over whether the show was meant to be satire or not.

    I'm realizing that it doesn't matter what the original intentions were--it has now become a modern parable for the wingnuts.

    It was the open phoniness of the wealthy Martha's Vineyard vacationing yuppies playing hicks that confused me. How could even inbred, dumb-as-rocks assholes not know they were being mocked? Surely the corporatists haven't completely destroyed the ability to think in so many, right?

    I was asking the wrong question. Of course the wingers know it's a sham--that is probably why they love it. Toeing the line, pretending to be what you aren't, is the very foundation of American Conservatism (at least on the bottom end of the two-step ladder). They must see the show as a medieval morality play of sorts--complete with archetypeical characters, triumph of biblical good over secular evil, and formulaic "stories."

  14. Derelict8:21 AM

    Gotta admit that I never thought of it that way. Dunno whether to find it comforting or terrifying.

  15. teresa8:22 AM

    Translation for Preston, "Wahhhhh...respectable adults won't let us be nasty insulting immature assholes all the time." It would be very cool if conservatives, especially the men, would evolve away from equating conservatism with always having to be a cruel, flaming asshole to be a "real man."

  16. They also love "conversion" narratives: "I used to be a liberal until I saw the lright!" "I used to be a sinner until I realized that Jesus Christ was my personal savior!"

    The Robertsons were wealthy Martha's Vineyard vacationing yuppies, but now they are gen-yoo-wine Southron swampbillies.

  17. Of course, lost in all the hubbub about the homophobia is Robertson's incredible misogyny:

    “It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying?

    Yeah, a woman's got more to offer than a man... ONE MORE ORIFICE!

  18. It just hit me, somebody's got to make a satire called "Dick Dynasty" about a gay-owned San Francisco company that makes dildos. The catchphrase for the show can be "No Beards!"

  19. coozledad9:17 AM

    Brood on hopes and fear no more.

  20. coozledad9:26 AM

    a vagina-as a man-would be more desirable...

    So THAT"S why the beards.

  21. That makes sense.

  22. Halloween_Jack9:31 AM

    I've pretty much written off the Gawkerverse, but Magary's much better than most of their stable.

  23. Cato the Censor9:32 AM

    Would someone please explain to me how a bunch of unkempt slobs with beards that a murder of crows could nest in are supposed to embody "conservative" values? These guys may be rich as Croesus, but they look like homeless people from down South. Whatever happened to the button-down, Brooks Brothers-suited reactionary look? I guess that's part of the appeal to wingnuts; these guys are homophobic, s*&tbird slobs just like them, but also rich as hell.
    PS: In the photos below, they do actually look human.

  24. It all started when they let the Nazi-made, Bigfoot-piloted, UFOs on the History channel.

  25. Ellis_Weiner9:34 AM

    "It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer.I mean, come on, dudes!..." he's quoted as saying.

    Asked what, in his mind, is sinful, Robertson replied: "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men."

    So, wait--I'm SUPPOSED to want what "a vagina" has "to offer," but then I'm not? I'm not supposed to sleep around with various women who possess--so I infer--various vaginas? Am I supposed to be a creature of healthy heterosexual appetite, or not?

    Aw, heck, Paw. This is too complicated. Let's go hunt us some ducks. With a "d."

  26. Hosted by Dirk Diggler.

  27. XeckyGilchrist9:53 AM

    the brethren don't even have to haul their asses out to a fast-food joint; they can just vote with their clickers: a perfect simulacrum of democracy for angry shut-ins.
    “[Slitscan's audience] is best visualized as a vicious, lazy, profoundly ignorant, perpetually hungry organism craving the warm god-flesh of the anointed. Personally I like to imagine something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It's covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth, Laney, no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote. Or by voting in presidential elections.”

    ― William Gibson, Idoru

  28. redoubt9:55 AM

    Because you're supposed to see Stonewall Jackson, but I actually see "Trade" and "Mark".

  29. Helmut Monotreme9:58 AM

    To be fair, I would make that trade off in a heartbeat. I wish I could make a lucrative career out of wearing comfortable clothes and not shaving. The button down Brooks Brothers reactionary look, or as it is called in my pace of employment, business causal, is simply dressing as blandly bourgeois as possible so as to offend the least possible number of potential customers, or impress people by how blandly prosperous you can appear to be.

  30. Matt Jones10:19 AM

    "Surely the corporatists haven't completely destroyed the ability to think in so many, right?"

    Nah, they relied on fundamentalist religion to do that. Pretty much gotta turn off the whole thinking-circuit to swallow "I believe this book full of direct contradictions is ALL LITERALLY TROOOOO CUZ JEEBUS".

  31. JennOfArk10:21 AM

    As TBogg continues to note, the Cheneys have their own real-life Dick Dynasty playing out in public.

    But the dildos are a nice touch. Could we maybe have them make some dildoguns as well?

  32. coozledad10:23 AM

    My eyes are bad, so it took me a while to figure that one out.

    I thought you were talking about some as yet uncovered Palin family members.

  33. Looks like the VCR goes to Gov. Jindal.

  34. redoubt10:39 AM

    Menthol Palin
    Gum Tree Palin
    State's Rights Palin

  35. Papa Duck is just perfect. Can we call all the younger ones "Baby Duck?"

  36. glennisw10:56 AM

    Riding in to work listening to the Stephanie Miller show and it was amazing to me how many conservatives calling in were defending the rights of employees to be protected from firing for airing their views in public! It just did my heart good to think of how valiantly they'd defend Phil if he'd been trying to organize the show's cast to be represented by a labor union!

  37. I don't think thats misogyny, exactly. But its certainly, well, awkward. Really I can't imagine being this guy's wife or daughters-in-law. Does he call them "vagina" because he thinks its a compliment? I found myself crossing my legs defensively as I read that quote.

  38. If he's serious about "sleeping around with women" being as bad as the homosex his largely divorced and unfaithful followership should be a little more anxious than they are. But they know that part is just a sop to make him look more biblical and less bigoted. If he'd thought about it he might have condemned taking the lords name in vain, letting your parents accept social security, and covetousness too since they are actually mentioned in the ten commandments.

  39. It feels like lip, looks like a blob of glup, and smells of old, unopened rooms.

    ---The Thirteen Clocks, James Thurber describing the Todal.

  40. coozledad11:12 AM

    Trade's looking a little rough these days.

  41. Well, and this is the fantasy. Didn't we have this discussion on another thread? The person who dresses as they please even in a corporate setting is the person signing the checks, not the person who wears the suit while the other guy is in sweats. A wealthy man in torn jeans, scruffy beard, etc... is merely eccentric and will (almost) always be treated as a wealthy man where he is known. His wallet speaks for him. Only where you have to present yourself to people over and over again as an anonymous cog in a corporate wheel do you have to dress conventionally.

  42. They love free speech as long as its the kind of speech they want to be giving.

  43. tigrismus11:29 AM

    Sounds like he's run into Old Gregg down in the swamp.

  44. UncleStu11:29 AM

    "Surely the corporatists haven't completely destroyed the ability to think in so many, right?"

    Wrong, except the corporatists get plenty of help from the christianist taliban.

  45. sharculese11:31 AM

    Magary gave Robertson the opportunity to voice his views on homosexuality in a nationally published magazine. This is an insidious liberal silencing tactic and must be punished.

  46. Bethany Spencer12:22 PM

    I don’t wanna marry this comment, I just wanna put it on a t-shirt. I know it’s long, but it’s still catchy.

  47. KatWillow12:23 PM

    I wondered about their "Biker" appearance! I bet they'd run shrieking if they met up with real Bikers.

  48. Helmut Monotreme12:44 PM

    In a way , the business casual requirement has saved me from myself, because if I were completely free to appear as a I please, in a moment of weakness, I might do something really stupid like getting large and obvious tattoos or piercings.

  49. Bethany Spencer1:10 PM

    When Dick Cheney is around, everyone goes by “Baby, DUCK!"

  50. Bugboy1:54 PM

    I always thought of the show as "Jersey Shore in the Bayou", as many had difficulty with that show distinguishing between reality and fantasy...including the cast members. Robertson is not a hick, but he plays one on TV...

  51. PulletSurprise2:06 PM

    Maybe conservatives will have a new version of "Chick-fil-A Day" in Duck Dynasty's honor.

    Around where I live, it's just called "going out shopping." I saw a goddamned bottle of Duck Dynasty wine the other day. You cannot avoid their pernicious marketing around here. I haven't seen co-branding like this since the height of Hannah Montana.

  52. Bitter Scribe2:09 PM

    I'm too lazy to look this up, so I'll just throw this out there...what the HELL is Duck Dynasty? A bunch of rednecks with long, scraggly beards are on teevee what exactly?

  53. whetstone2:16 PM

    sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men

    See, this is why the Oxford comma exists. How do I know whether it's lots of sex that's sinful, or just orgies?

  54. This is a great comment. I love the idea of a modern "morality play." It perfectly captures the way in which the viewer is presumed to enjoy the repetition, to be able to anticipate what is coming next. Like the child who enjoys seeing santa at the mall even if they "know" that santa is really mom and dad the readers of the GQ article didn't want to see the "man behind the beard." They wanted to see the man performing the beard. I feel the same way about Stephen Colbert, actually. I know that the person he plays isn't really him, but I've learned to love him by watching the parody Stephen Colbert. If I were to meet him I'd be very torn between wanting to meet the real person whose motives and sense of humor I've had to guess at all these years, and wanting him to stay in character because thats the him I enjoy.

  55. Upvote for rhodomontade.

  56. I've got a question. In this cosmology, who do hermaphrodites sleep with?

  57. fry1laurie4:16 PM

    Since I don't their merchandise in any store this holiday gifting season, I assume they're taking a huge financial hit with this suspension. (snark alert).

  58. How soon before Phil Robertson is twerking on live TV?

  59. Mooser5:53 PM

    The funny part is, according to an article I read (at TPM) these were actually pretty decent folks before they got on TV and needed a schtick. In fact, in their former incarnation, they could almost be called "progressive"

  60. philadelphihialawyer5:53 PM

    Liberal guy in media gets fired for shooting off his mouth=First Amendment, freedom of press right of employer vindicated.
    Conservaguy in media gets fired for shooting off his mouth=First Amendment, freedom of speech right of employee violated.
    Beyond that, what, exactly, is "Duck Dynasty?" Conservaguys are always going on and on about how bad popular culture is and how it destroying the world and so on, and yet they seem to follow it, or at least portions of it, quite closely. Not only Duck Dynasty, which I gather is some half assed, red neck bayou reality show, which you might expect they would be drawn to, but Miley Cyrus as well. I would not even have known about Ms. Cyrus' performance with a foam finger were it not for wingnut and supposed deep thinker and student of theology Rod Dreher telling me all about it, linking to the video and to an unfunny, obvious "parody" of the video, etc. I mean, seriously, who watches the MTV video awards except teenagers and younger kids? What are mature, self described "serious" folks who supposedly spend all their time reading St Augustine and Dante and so forth doing watching Duck Dynasty? Much less a self promotional pseudo "awards" show on MTV? I thought, for light entertainment, when they get tired of the "classics," they read stuff like Michael Oakshit or whatever his name is, not sit around and watch Basic Cable Crappola?

  61. smut clyde5:55 PM

    On their own, as any fule kno.

  62. Mooser5:57 PM

    I prefer button-down shirts. It looks nest.

  63. Mooser5:58 PM

    Say what you like about Ms. Collins, she is a very accomplished guitar player.

  64. Mooser6:01 PM

    I believe the interview was in GQ. And he had the right to say anything he wanted! And gee, guess what, people have the right to express their own viewpoint on what he said. I guess "You're fired" was the best answer they could come up with.

  65. Mooser6:06 PM

    "There was a time when the only way you'd be exposed to the ravings of an
    ignoramus like this would be if you ventured deep into the swamps."

    C'mon Glennisw, I have heard the same exact anu-vs-vagina spiel many times, after the second drink. That's how I know there's been a sexual revolution. When I was younger, it took five or six before the heterotourettes thing got going.

  66. Mooser6:10 PM

    Brother, you have hit the bulls-eye, rung the bell, and are entitled to cigar or co-co nut, as the winner choooses!

    And don't forget, when they learn the lines in their little passion-play, they can try them out with their friends, who will also know them, and do a sort of improv!

  67. Mooser6:14 PM

    "The Beverly Hillbillies" was great TV, and I still watch re-runs and enjoy them. It was actual theatre made by talented pros.

  68. Mooser6:16 PM

    I have, from a young age, absolutely despised conversion narratives. The only thing they arouse in me is contempt. They make me sick.

  69. glennisw7:14 PM

    I almost missed this awesome little nugget from the Duck Dynasty controversy. In addition to homophobic remarks, the Robertson patriarch also said about African-Americans:

    I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. ....They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."
    Hilarious! Not just the idiocy of claiming that black people were happy with their lot, but the unintended hilarity of claiming that none of the black folks in Louisiana before the civil rights era were singing the blues.
    What were they singing, leider? Chinese opera?

  70. TGuerrant7:25 PM

    But first, our Ducksters will win the War on Christmas: Phil's ornament goes for $12.99 on Amazon. The Fab Furry 4 with dangling duck call ornament has sold out. And there is, of course, an audio CD, Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas - $6.96 if bought new, $20.88 if bought used.

  71. TGuerrant7:31 PM

    A Duck Dynasty towel, in fact. $21.99 new. Only 11 left in stock.

  72. AGoodQuestion7:39 PM

    Man, it's like seeing a young clean-shaven Yosemite Sam in tweed and loafers.

  73. TGuerrant7:42 PM

    Please help them in their time of need:

    Duck Dynasty Redneck Wisdom Board Game, $16.57

    2014 Duck Dynasty Si-chology Wall Calendar, $15.16

    Funko Duck Dynasty Si Robertson Talking Wacky Wobbler, $29.99

    Duck Dynasty Printed Duct Tape (10 yards), $6.58

    Duck Commander Phil Robertson's Cajun Style Original Seasoning, $12.10

    Duck Dynasty Chia Uncle Si, $17.91

    Really, we should look into licensing Roy. We'd make a bundle and America would be the better for it. Chia Edroso would even help curb global warming, I just know it.

  74. AGoodQuestion7:44 PM

    We'll, Cheney's a Dick in a couple of senses of the word, and he is trying to found a dynasty. Not sure he'd be up for what you're proposing, though.

  75. AGoodQuestion7:44 PM

    The fuck? I wasn't even the first to go to the Cheney well?

  76. AGoodQuestion7:45 PM

    Duck heathen!

    Rabbit heathen!

  77. AGoodQuestion7:52 PM

    I still check in with io9 now and then.

  78. Jaime Oria7:55 PM

    Then again, it must take a rube of the unworldiest sort to homophobically bloviate in a major media outlet like GQ and not expect pushback from the distributors (and producers? who actually bankrolls the series?) of his show: two li'l ol' corporations named after some fellers named Hearst and Disney...

  79. AGoodQuestion7:56 PM

    Well, Bravo originally looked like it wanted to expose the public to ballet and avant garde theatre, with Twin Peaks reruns for relative accessibility. Now it's almost exclusively plastic surgery disasters bitchslapping each other.

  80. AGoodQuestion8:04 PM

    He mistakes Song of the South for reality when he skips his medication. Or when he takes his medication. One of the two.

  81. Budbear8:35 PM

    OK. Then, where the fuck did the blues come from?

  82. Budbear8:37 PM

    He's the 'Larry the Cable Guy' of sporting goods.

  83. Let's just say they're all quackers.

  84. AngryWarthogBreath9:47 PM

    Certainly there's a failure of empathy there. "Guys, women have vaginas. If you're attracted to vaginas, that's great! So, since we're assuming you're attracted to vaginas, why aren't you attracted to people who have vaginas?"

  85. XeckyGilchrist9:53 PM


  86. XeckyGilchrist10:06 PM

    Not sure; the text is silent on whether the thing has a butthole.

  87. Ellis_Weiner10:47 PM

    Without reading all 122 comments to see if anyone else has offered a similar defense, let me just say: Lay off Gibson. Neuromancer is one of the essential s.f. novels of the last 30 years.a (The sequel isn't bad; the third in the trilogy gets a gentleman's C. Idoru is nice, too.)

  88. Ellis_Weiner10:55 PM

    "Now it's almost exclusively plastic surgery disasters bitchslapping each other."

    This comment is the most beautiful, the funniest, the sexiest, and the most intellectually alluring one on this thread, and I'll punch the man who says otherwise. The woman, too. When I fall, I fall hard.

  89. Maybe conservatives will have a new version of "Chick-fil-A Day" in Duck Dynasty's honor.

    Two of my co-workers and I at lunch today arrived at this conclusion: walk in any retail establishment in Middle Tennessee, and merchandise bearing the likenesses from this "show" are every-gaddamned-where, e.g., not exactly flying off the shelves.

    This solves for X.

  90. Slacktivist with more deets:

  91. Ellis_Weiner11:27 PM

    In the same way that (as someone who I wish had been me said), right-wing voters aren't voting their values; they're voting their identities. Maybe that would be true of left-wing voters, too, if we had an actual left wing.

    The more toward the extremes you go, the less abstract systems of belief (politics; religion) seem to serve the social/public aspect of personality--in the service of which, you'd want to accomplish things in the world--and the more they serve the private ego, and its need for validation, reinforcement, etc.

  92. Another Kiwi11:55 PM

    Now some dumbarse on twitter is urging us all to buy the duck caller that is still owned by the fakesters because all the Duck Dynasty crap is owned by A+E. I wonder if Mallard Fizz is getting peed off about all the money going elsewhere.

  93. That fucking apostrophe on the end of hatin' is just perfect. It doesn't even save the character space in the 140-character tweet like hatin by itself would. Nope, she put that fuckin' apostrophe right there so you KNOW she's doing it deliberately. It's amazing, how much spite can get loaded into that tiny little space.

  94. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!

    That very silence should have told him everything he needed to know about what was really going on.

  95. PulletSurprise12:46 AM

    Not having a Cold Duck vintage is an opportunity missed.

  96. You can use the picture of Phil's face to dry your anus.

  97. It's tough for a Christbro out there:

    Because of the old doctrine "to the Jews first," Saint [Paul] always
    made a courtesy call on every synagogue in every town we came to that
    had one. At first there would be a lot of chuckles and Call-me-Sols, and
    a bad lunch. Then he'd be invited to say a few words and before you
    could say "Holy Moses" they would be hitting him over the head with
    sticks. They never did buy the bad news that the late Jesus ben
    Nazareth, known to us Greeks as the King or Christ, was really the
    messiah that the Jews have been hanging around all these years waiting

  98. Has Mallard Fillmore gotten a much-needed bump from all this publicity? If not, I'm unimpressed.

  99. PulletSurprise1:05 AM

    Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality....

    Stop right there. If I recall correctly, this guy's business is making a device that, when properly used, enables a human to make a duck think it's going to get laid.

  100. BigHank531:30 AM

    There are three possibilities here. The first one is boring: Mr. Duck stuck his foot in his mouth good and proper, and A&E is bringing him to heel. The second is that Mr. Duck wishes to sever his relationship with A&E and go hunting for more money someplace else, and this was a deliberate provocation. I'm sure this plan is within the grasp of the clan--they're certainly not stupid. It can be difficult to estimate inherent low cunning from watching a performer's act, of course.

    The third possibility (and the one that will keep you up at night) is that the fundie outrage is part of a carefully laid plan. Perhaps the Duck Commander has tired of the pursuit of Mammon, and has elevated his sights to bigger game: Mary Landrieu is up for election next year.

  101. Odder1:31 AM

    [Odder's evil twin speaking]

    Huh huh, he said "unimpressed!" Pressed duck, anyone?

  102. LutherQBlissett3:39 AM

    They may not be stupid, but reality show contracts are notoriously far-reaching, and there's generally not much bargaining room there. If Pappy Van Duckwinkle couldn't get enough praise-Jesus moments into the final edit for his liking, I'm guessing that the family also gave A&E the right to call the shots on other media appearances, and that the network can make sure the Robertsons can't take themselves elsewhere.

    This is why I disagree with the esteemed Charles Pierce on this one: a reality show contract is the acceptable form of voluntary indenture in 21st-century America, and while we may not like those terms, that doesn't make them go away.

    I still don't know what the outraged fans and wingnut hangers-on envision as their endgame. The show has apparently become popular for presenting folksy rich beardos getting into hijinks and being All About Family with a gentle smattering of Old Time Religion. Now that the suspension has unleashed a small army of abject bigots, it's going to be hard to return to that template; Ol' Phil is going to have to be their Brian Cohen, or tell them to fuck off.

  103. MikeJ7:02 AM

    The guy who wrote the gerund detection routine in the Palinbot is feeling proud today.

  104. The Rolling Stones, of course.

  105. glennisw8:29 AM

    It whips up a wingnut hate-fest just in time for the holidays! oops, I mean Christmas!

  106. glennisw8:32 AM

    I am thinking A & E gets a bigger cut of the merch than the Ducks do.

  107. coozledad8:42 AM

    Son of Gawds!

  108. El Manquécito9:00 AM

    You missed a chance for "the duck comes down and you win....>

  109. MikeJ9:12 AM

    I thought Eric Clapton brought it over and taught Muddy Waters.

  110. redoubt9:15 AM

    Wonder how many of those happy, smiling, non-blues singing black people pick cotton for work for him.

  111. Halloween_Jack9:48 AM

    Built like an Amazon, you might say.

  112. Kinda hard to run with a load in your pants, which I think would be their first reaction after seeing some Bikers.

  113. brandonrg10:08 AM

    It was a "gotcha!" question!

  114. brandonrg10:10 AM

    Colbert did a not-in-character interview on Fresh Air several years back, and it was weird.

  115. brandonrg10:11 AM

    I dunno about it being right-wing in particular. Most TV is god-awful and most "reality" is heavily scripted and seems to appeal to a broad audience.

  116. brandonrg10:13 AM

    Funny enough, these same outraged conservatives are many of the same people that pass along and laugh at those fake chain emails from bosses/owners who were going to fire everyone with an Obama bumper sticker.

  117. brandonrg10:17 AM

    Crazy, zany hijinks! Really doesn't appear to be different from a lot of other 'reality' TV shows.

  118. brandonrg10:18 AM

    Louisiana Blues were literally developed in the post-war, pre-CRA era. I mean, the offensiveness of his Uncle Remus stereotype aside, that's just insulting dumb.

  119. RogerAiles11:08 AM

    WWAPWD? is the next big thing.

  120. PulletSurprise11:24 AM

    You can settle for Hillbilly Hare in the meantime.

    "Grab a fence post, hold it tight
    Whomp your partner with all your might
    Hit him in the chin, hit him in the head
    Hit him again, that critter ain't dead..."

  121. Ellis_Weiner11:55 AM

    P.S.--Special Achievement Award for "Papa Duck," which accomplishes a three-rail bank shot including Dominican dictators, Disney cartoon characters, and generic fairy tale characters. There are probably a few more rails I'm not thinking of, too.

  122. Ellis_Weiner12:04 PM

    Not as 'heavily scripted' as you might think. My wife is a writer-producer in reality tv, which means they hand her 30 hours of footage taken in the field, and she (and her vid editor) boil it down into a coherent story for 30 or 60 minute shows. There ARE, sometimes, written lines they'll re-shoot, but they're almost always for purposes of transitions or clarity.

    Otherwise, it's the great unwashed, and washed, somehow living their semi-self-conscious lives in the presence of a camera operator, a sound person, and a director. It's not like being a fly on the wall, but it's not entirely artificial.

  123. JennOfArk12:24 PM

    Hark, hark, the dogs do bark,
    The Duke is fond of kittens...

  124. JennOfArk12:53 PM

    Those “intolerants” hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch...are taking on all of us.

    Hmmm...those "intolerants" would have to be network executives at A&E, who from all appearances made the suspension in advance of any public outcry. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't this story break as "Robertson suspended by A&E for remarks made in GQ interview," not "Liberal groups object to Robertson's remarks in GQ interview; A&E responds with suspension?" The suspension statement was the story.

    What does it mean to say A&E network executives are "taking on" Sarah Palin and her dwindling horde of walking brain stems? What, exactly, will Palin and company do? Scream really loud about how THIS time, their butts REALLY hurt? Stop watching all the OTHER shit they were watching on A&E?

    Even funnier: if you interpret it the way Palin apparently wants it to be understood, she and the brain stems are "taking on" all us reality-based folk. With us, they're even MORE impotent, being reduced to "screaming really loud about how THIS time, their butts REALLY hurt" as the only option. So prepare yourself for a round of the most piteous mewling and wailing since that thing that made their butts REALLY hurt yesterday.

  125. BG, finally feck free1:06 PM

    The entire "dynasty" is a complete fraud.

  126. One of my favorite books, right next to The Wonderful O.

    He likes to take their insides out
    and make their fur to mittens.

  127. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:07 PM

    Papa Duck or whatever he's called

    Yes, Papa Duck, recently deposed ruler of Hatey...

  128. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:22 PM

    They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.

    May be the stupidest sentence out of a racist fuck's piehole in many a....minute.

    This is what "not having a clue" means. Everything he needs is in the Bible, and his (and his family's, and his preacher's) interpretation of same. Real world? They literally have no use for it.

  129. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:24 PM

    Probably thinks Zippiddy Doo Dah should be the NAACP's marching song. To the extent they should be allowed to march...

  130. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:29 PM

    If he thinks " 'Morphadites can go fuck theyselves", it's the onliest thing he's got right so far...

  131. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:31 PM

    If they were so decent, and...Progressive? what did A&E want with 'em to start with?

  132. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person10:35 PM

    True believers can do no wrong, in their own estimation. What else is religion for?

  133. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:04 PM

    What Would A Pecker Wood Do?

  134. Meanie-meanie, tickle a person11:05 PM

    Orange you sorry you said that?

  135. LittlePig9:55 AM


    I feel obliged to inform you that word theft will be committed.

  136. LittlePig11:26 AM

    I tried at first to go old school Disney with Hatey being the first part of an Inca Blinka / Unsteadystan type structure, then startled cats when me widdie autistic bwain worked it out.

  137. LittlePig11:39 AM

    If A Pecker Wood Would Duck Pecker

  138. LittlePig11:40 AM

    Turducken he did!

  139. El Manquécito11:31 AM

    Sure, dead thread and all, but early this morning my fb feed exploded into flame wars about Cracker Barrel dropping some Duck related program activities and the angry xtians vowing never to darken the highway exit ramp parking lots of one of their anti-christian oppressive unconstitooshunal chain restaurants again. Cracker Barrel ! I wonder what other swarmy southern businesses are having flop sweaty meetings about their next move.

  140. drkrick3:01 PM

    Isn't he in more trouble with A&E about the "black people were happier and more godly before they had their rights" bit than the homophobia? The homophobia was bog-standard fundiegelicalism that should have been no surprise while the racism was gratuitous and surprising. I notice that the Christianists who are trying to defend him are ignoring those remarks, but I'm not sure why we should.

  141. drkrick3:06 PM

    Doncha get me wrong!

  142. drkrick3:12 PM

    I have to think this varies a lot from show to show. The Robertson's "antics" are so ridiculous that I have to think they're scripted more like Ozzie & Harriet than The Real World.

  143. drkrick3:21 PM

    Teasing is OK. Just don't close the deal.

  144. Buddy_McCue3:02 AM

    I wish you were kidding about that.

  145. Buddy_McCue3:05 AM

    Marty McFly went back in time and taught it to them.

    I think I saw that in a movie somewhere...

  146. Monster! Who could dislike Hope and Crosby using the patty-cake routine on their captors?