Tuesday, September 17, 2013

MEET WHIPLASH WILLIE.

All longtime readers need to hear is the title...
7 Examples of Discrimination Against Christians in America
...and that the author of it is nonsense volume dealer John Hawkins (who also wrote "I Agree With the People Who Yelled 'Yes,' We Should Let Him Die at the [GOP] Debate"), to know we have hot stuff.

To boil it down:
When the government tells the Christian Service Center it has to give up on Christ or quit using USDA food to help the poor, that’s religious discrimination.
I want 1,000 pounds of government cheese so I can use it to lure paupers to my Satan is Lord multimedia show. What! You dare dispute my right to that cheese? Well, you're in luck -- Satanists don't have much of a lobby.
Billy Graham Evangelistic Association: Obama’s IRS Was “Targeting and Attempting to Intimidate Us"
Because why would anyone suspect a TV preacher of trying to cheat?
A court has said that a pair of Christians were ‘allowed’ to read the Bible aloud outside the Department of Motor Vehicles in Hemet, California... Yes, there were actually Americans arrested for reading the Bible on public property.
The yahoos in question were reading the Bible to people in line at the DMV -- which in any civilized jurisdiction should be a "Stand Your Ground" offense. Alas, they were let off.
Colorado Baker Faces Year In Jail For Refusing To Make Cake For Gay Wedding
Forced to accept the business of homosexuals! Why, next Big Gummint will make them serve Negroes!
Airforce Veteran Faces A Court Martial For Opposing Gay Marriage
The Air Force disputes his account, and the airman is in fact only charged with lying about his superiors. Stories about how the Obamamilitary is trying to throw Christians out of the service have become a staple of wingnut propaganda.
Government Forces Churches To Get Permits For Baptisms... the Park Service recently began a new policy requiring churches that wished to hold baptisms in public waters to apply for a special permit at least 48 hours in advance of the baptism...
...and then rescinded the policy. Some persecution.
Florida Professor Demands Student Stomp On Jesus
Oh Christ, that thing again. As with the airman's story, Hawkins' account is far less than complete -- you'd never know the complaining Christer got in trouble for threatening the teacher, not for failing to stomp on Jesus (which he was not required to do). But like the airman, this kid apparently saw an opportunity to engage in some ratfucking for Jesus, and a bunch of rightwing politicians saw a chance to benefit from his bullshit, too.

Hawkins and the rest of these guys are not the new breed of Christian martyr. They're the new breed of ambulance chaser -- telling every Christian who slipped on a banana peel not to get up, they'll make a mint in the Court of Public Opinion, now what was the name of that heathen who hit you?

114 comments:

  1. DocAmazing10:44 AM

    Matthew 6:5--“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.


    Of course, the only entity that guys like Hawkins want seeing what is done in secret is the NSA.

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  2. coozledad10:44 AM

    If we just let them opt into an independent legal system, they'll have roasted or drowned enough of their own tribe to be virtually silent.

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  3. DocAmazing10:45 AM

    Rushdoony to Judgment?

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  4. coozledad10:49 AM

    Per wikipedia, that Rushdoony had one densely tattooed arse:Gary North states that Rushdoony read at least one book a day, six days a week, for fifty years of his life; underlining sentences, and making an index of its main ideas in the rear.

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  5. parsec (now with book!)11:42 AM

    The Buddhists have a koan: if you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him. It's meant as a caution against deification of a being as opposed to gaining an understanding of the message. Christians (and other sky god worshipers for that matter) would benefit from more of this attitude.

    Book is at http://tinyurl.com/kaxnzhx

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  6. parsec11:57 AM

    Might not be a koan per se, but.

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  7. PulletSurprise12:06 PM

    Their ideas about persecution and discrimination are quite reminiscent of those "first world problems" memes. "I wanted to get the ESV gold leaf Bible but all they had was the calfskin bound KJV."

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  8. GREAT XTIAN HEADS!







    POPE ELOPES!



    Yes, Dorothy Parker's winning entry in a headline contest between Algonquin Roundtable wits still hits the mark.



    BRYAN FISCHER CANCELS SERMON; BLAMES TIPPED UTERUS!



    A spin on a NatLamp headline circa '74, originally citing Barry Manilow.



    YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! I FUCK SEAGULLS!!!



    Seriously. I'm in earnest here.

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  9. ...and then rescinded the policy.


    For FUCK'S SAKE! Won't anyone think of the fish?
    ~

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  10. Halloween_Jack12:44 PM

    You know, religious charities used to feed and clothe the poor from donations by members of the congregation, but then they got into the government subcontractor business while still throwing in a little extra Jesus with the government cheese, and used the tithes for *ahem* other things. But they still thought that they could take their ball and go home if the public policy of serving godless feminists and queers conflicted with their theology, not realizing that, hey, it was never really their ball in the first place. Thus it was with Catholic Charities in Illinois, which shut down their adoption service in protest of being expected to not discriminate against LGBT couples, only to see those state contracts picked up by private agencies. Sic transit gloria mundi.

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  11. What a ridiculous fabricated example. None of this crowd would be caught dead with an ESV Bible.

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  12. The second I saw Billy Graham's name come up, the first thing that came to mind was "I bet his nutjob son Franklin is behind this." Sure enough:

    “While these audits not only wasted taxpayer money, they wasted money contributed by donors for ministry purposes as we had to spend precious resources servicing the IRS agents in our offices,” Graham wrote in the letter, which was shared with POLITICO. “I believe that someone in the administration was targeting and attempting to intimidate us. This is morally wrong and unethical – indeed some would call it ‘un-American.’”



    Conspiracy mongering and naked political posturing - check. Comparing Billy to Franklin really tells you everything you need to know about pre- and post-Moral Majority evangelism.

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  13. See also the deal about tax exemption in exchange for restrictions on politicking, where the restrictions are treated as a slap in the face of religious liberty, rather than their side of a bargain.

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  14. teresa1:06 PM

    Every notice that when the right wing bitches about government interfering with their religion they get upset because they can't treat people like shit?

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  15. Jay B.1:07 PM

    Bible reading to a captive audience in line at the DMV? That's pretty much my vision of hell. Not even ironically.


    And would you trust that a baker actually faces a year in jail, or that, according to his own lawyer that he "potentially" faces up to a year "if" they decide to prosecute? Who to believe? The fever dreams of liars and fake martyrs OR simple common sense?

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  16. Well, that's what Sam Harris says it means. Someone who actually knew what he was talking about would tell you that it's a reference to the Buddhist belief that the physical world is an illusion. If you meet the Buddha on the road, you have encountered an phantom, one that can only distract from the true path to enlightenment.


    In the future, try to be a little more original with your iconoclasm.

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  17. You know what else is unethical, Franklin? Enjoying tax-exempt status while sending out month after month of Decision magazines telling people to vote for Mitt Romney. Heaven forfend that the IRS might wonder what you were up to. By the way, did you ever pay the

    Comparing Billy to Franklin really tells you everything you need to know about pre- and post-Moral Majority evangelism.

    Yeah, Billy was not nearly the prize that so many thought he was, but at least he learned his lesson from Nixon and publicly picking sides ... at least until Franklin put his hand up his daddy's ass and made his lips say, "Vote for Mitt Romney to save America from God's wrath." Note that we're talking about the same Billy Graham who (1) spent decades declaring Mormonism a dangerous evil cult; and (2) in early 2011, declared that one of his end-of-life regrets was ever getting tangled in politics. Apparently, that all changed when Barack Obama became president later that same year.

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  18. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq1:20 PM

    You should ask Andrew Schlafly for that.

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  19. Great photo from one of Wilder's best, Roy. The Matthau-Lemmon combo was never better than in this quiet classic.

    Highly recommended: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060424/

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  20. tinheart1:26 PM

    Once you see this brand of Christianity not as a religion, but as a *political party*, then it all makes sense.



    The problem that Christianity has is that young people are *also* starting to see it as a political party, and have come to believe that Christianity is really nothing more that bunch of loud, strident people that hate gays and abortions and want you to vote for raving professional assholes.


    They have no one to blame but themselves. Lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas, etc. etc.

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  21. Mooser1:30 PM

    What about me? I am facing a possible life sentence. And I've been told they won't hesitate to impose it, if I committ premeditated murder. Note to self: avoid doing that, if possible.

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  22. mortimer20001:32 PM

    I'm gonna put ratfucking for Jesus on my business card.

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  23. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.1:32 PM

    BTW has Hawkins ever written something which wasn't a list? No, and I'm not going to look if one you can do this for me.

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  24. Mooser1:34 PM

    "Comparing Billy to Franklin really tells you everything you need to know"


    Like comparing L Ron Hubbard to David MsCavige tells you all you need to know about Scientology? Well Christianity isn't the only American religion under assault. Why did you know that Scientology's tax exemption is in jeopardy? Find out at Tony Ortega's "The Underground Bunker" I don't need to link it, just go to the bottom of the blogroll at right.

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  25. stepped_pyramids1:34 PM

    No. Never. And he was a little bit ahead of the curve, now that there are entire websites dedicated to listicles.

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  26. PulletSurprise1:34 PM

    THE OPPRESSION OF RIDICULOUS FABRICATED EXAMPLES MUST STOP!

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  27. Jay B.1:34 PM

    Point for the Weebles: They don't bitch about it so goddamn much.

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  28. That's basically a pull quote from Hawkins' article, you cheater.

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  29. Mooser1:37 PM

    "If you meet the Buddha on the road, you have encountered an phantom,
    one that can only distract from the true path to enlightenment."



    Uh, that's what he said. Any advice what to do when we meet a pretentious know-it-all in a comment thread?

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  30. Or, in this case, spend decades building an ever-more-elaborate flea circus, repeatedly douse yourself in flea bait, openly and proudly wallow around amongst the fleas, and wake up with fleas.


    ... Okay, I guess the classic version is catchier.

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  31. Give 'em a clap on the head with one hand?

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  32. parsec1:53 PM

    Did not know Sam Harris said that. I did look it up on wikipedia where your own statement came from.

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  33. parsec2:12 PM

    Uh, has somebody accidentally used my handle?

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  34. BigHank532:15 PM

    Has it been expurgated from their bibles?


    What makes you think they ever read the frakkin' things, instead of just clutching them like talismans?

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  35. parsec2:18 PM

    OK. Comment system hiccupped. Carry on.

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  36. BigHank532:22 PM

    Honestly, I'd be happy if you'd just leave the poor rats alone. Nevermind how the rats feel about it.

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  37. Ellen Smith2:47 PM

    True bumper sticker seen in NC: If it ain't King James, it ain't bible.

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  38. coozledad2:53 PM

    Hah!
    If it ain't St. Jerome, it ain't the tome!

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  39. slavdude3:02 PM

    Liars for Jesus: who'da thunk it?

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  40. Tiny Hermaphrodite, Esq.3:05 PM

    Is it really lying if you can't distinguish between illusions and reality?

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  41. tigrismus3:15 PM

    And these guys are ALWAYS complaining that government money shouldn't go to social services, that private charity should cover it. I guess they think taxes should be cut but somehow the then non-existent funds should still fund proselytism.

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  42. slavdude3:16 PM

    spend precious resources servicing the IRS agents


    So THAT'S how they keep their tax-exempt status....

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  43. When people ask what I'm doing, I reply: "Lifetime exile on Planet Earth. Why did they send you here as well?"

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  44. What is the sound of one troll fapping?

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  45. Well rats do like to fuck you know. Give them a chance and they'll fuck for anyone just so long as they can fuck.

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  46. Expert wide stance toe tappers one and all

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  47. willf3:36 PM

    Ever notice that when the right wing bitches about government interfering with their _________ they get upset because they can't treat people like shit?



    You could fill in that blank with quite a few different words.

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  48. My Bible is from the Church of Hard Knox.



    Why do a James when you can Douay-Rheims?

    Once you go Tanakh you'll never go banack.

    You can't spell "UPANISHADS" without U and I.

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  49. coozledad4:00 PM

    Got me that Torah, don't need any more-ah!

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  50. To pile some more on Franklin Graham, morally bankrupt syphilitic goat's anus that he is, he and many of his fellow travelers know exactly what they're doing. We're talking about a supposed returned "prodigal son" who prodded his dad into ignoring his late mother's burial request so he could better employ her grave in promoting the family brand. "Liar for Jesus" doesn't even begin to describe his utterly depraved sociopathy.

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  51. ... Yeah, that's much better.


    If it's got a New Testament, it ain't Bible.

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  52. Bigby4:11 PM

    I thought all money was fungible? If they're using USDA food AT ALL, isn't that de facto funding a specific Religion with taxpayer dollars? After all, if Planned Parenthood can't use a taxpayer cent to pay for electricity cuz it would "free up" cash to murder babies, how can these dicks use government cheese to proselytize without being ginormous hypocrites? I confuzed.

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  53. Once you see Christianity not as a religion, but as a *political party



    FTFY

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  54. LittlePig6:06 PM

    The Roman Empire figured that one out about 1700 years ago....

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  55. smut clyde6:57 PM

    Shriekback lyrics are ELIMINATIONIST.

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  56. reallyaimai7:01 PM

    "Liar for Jesus" doesn't even begin to describe his utterly depraved sociopathy...but it a good start.

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  57. redoubt7:37 PM

    We're talking about a supposed returned "prodigal son" who prodded his dad into ignoring his late mother's burial request so he could better employ her grave in promoting the family brand.

    Matthew 8:21-22 contradicts him. Extremely. (Sorry; leftover evangelical. Working to expunge.)

    "Liar" certainly. "For Jesus"? Certainly not.

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  58. smut clyde8:47 PM

    Don't it cheer you up to see the wee fecker trashing his father's dubious legacy so thoroughly?

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  59. montag28:51 PM

    "... ratfucking for Jesus."


    I'm kinda in awe of the simplicity of this phrase. It's like David Barton's entire career in a nutshell.



    Isn't it a precept of the Seven Mountains dominionists that the ends justify the means, and that lying or cheating is perfectly acceptable if it's done to further a return to Biblical law?


    In a way, it's a bit disappointing to be agnostic on religion, because I can't really put much belief into the otherwise satisfying hope that Jesus is coming back and will be running the likes of John Hawkins and his ilk out of town for usurpation of authority.

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  60. ...have come to believe understand that Christianity is really nothing more that bunch of loud, strident people that hate gays and abortions and want you to vote for raving professional assholes.

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  61. Budbear9:00 PM

    It does have a certain pithiness to it.

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  62. Pretending to be oppressed because one cannot oppress others is the very circular definition of "right wing bitches."

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  63. Where's the dude been? "Targeting and intimidating" people through the abuse of power is about as American as it gets.


    ¡Jayzus Christo!

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  64. "If it ain't in Pali it's not up my alley."

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  65. Tehanu10:34 PM

    Maybe it's catchier, but I admire your version!

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  66. The_Kenosha_Kid11:03 PM

    Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
    I forget where I read that. A fortune cookie or something like that.

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  67. AngryWarthogBreath11:57 PM

    Man, really? I prefer the Sam Harris version, and thereby declare that the secret second meaning of the teaching (because Samson's riddle is a double my friend and also because every technique of the Hiten Mitsurugi school involves two strikes) is that the teaching means what the recipient thinks it means.

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  68. AngryWarthogBreath12:00 AM

    As it applies to the antivaxxers so too it applies to the wannabe theocrats: if you can post on a high-traffic website about how persecuted you are being and receive dozens of supportive comments in return, chances are excellent you are not being persecuted.

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  69. AngryWarthogBreath12:05 AM

    Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

    Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven."


    And Peter clarified, "I mean, of course, to ask how many times I should ostentatiously say I forgive my brother or sister, while actually working to disenfranchise and destroy that individual."


    "Of course you do," Jesus said. "Bless your heart."

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  70. calling all toasters12:11 AM

    The original version:


    On the road
    You meet the Buddha?
    Run him over
    With your scootah
    Burma-Shave

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  71. JennOfArk12:32 AM

    Heh. My favorite was her reply when asked about attending the Yale v. Harvard football game:


    "If every girl in attendance was laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

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  72. JennOfArk12:38 AM

    FWIW, I just finished the Reza Aslan book on Jesus, Zealot, and besides teaching me yet again that probably every thought I've ever had that I believed was original to me is not, it was quite excellent. This by way of research for the book I'm working on, in which Jesus or someone quite like him figures prominently and much hilarity ensues as a result.


    And now I have to do something I haven't done in awhile, and shamelessly blogwhore - I've posted a pic of the MOST. ADORABLE. BABY. EVER. over at my joint, and want everyone to see her. (at 3weirdsisters)

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  73. JennOfArk12:41 AM

    Kind of puts "days of wine and roses" to shame, it does.

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  74. The only response to these assholes is to read the Drivers' Manual in their church during services.

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  75. I imagine Hawkins has a narrow view of Christianity, encompassing only fundagelical denominations. In how many of his cases were the talibangelicals "oppressed" by members of other Christian sects who didn't want to deal with their bullshit?

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  76. Odder2:08 AM

    Good thing I'm in a sunnier mood, or I'd call bullshiite.

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  77. AngryWarthogBreath3:15 AM

    I am seeing discrimination against law-breaking assholes.


    Come to think of it, I think that's allowed.

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  78. smut clyde4:24 AM

    I hear that Ireland never recovered from the closure of the Magdalene slave labour laundries Asylums.

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  79. smut clyde7:36 AM

    Haiku Fail.

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  80. smut clyde7:37 AM

    ISWYDT.

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  81. smut clyde7:38 AM

    Stomp On Jesus
    You kids with your new genres of fetish porn.

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  82. smut clyde7:40 AM

    I really like
    The Pentateuch.

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  83. coozledad7:41 AM

    Carolina sadcore ecstasy.

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  84. PulletSurprise8:18 AM

    "Passest thou not on the right, for that side is reserved for the conveyance of the slower. If thou shalt pass, observest thou the yellow line. Thus saith the Department of Transportation."

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  85. satch8:48 AM

    I think she was talking about Vassar girls.

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  86. exactly, first the first lady wants to drain my ponds, now the xtians want to contaminate my rivers with sin!

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  87. smut clyde9:24 AM

    Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.

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  88. Halloween_Jack9:55 AM

    I put the "nom" in Necronomicon.

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  89. M. Krebs9:56 AM

    I remember Sam Harris winning the big prize on Star Search.

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  90. John D.10:14 AM

    Kill the Buddha,
    if you coulda.
    Eat some Gouda?
    Yes, you shoulda!
    Then shoot Jesus,
    'cause it please us.
    Bend the knees-us?
    Don't you tease us!

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  91. See also: "2 Nemotropin" from Harlan Ellisons' The Chocolate Alphabet

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  92. DocAmazing10:21 AM

    You need to write a novel with that as the title.

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  93. John D.10:24 AM

    You know, Jenn, Queen Victoria was once quoted as saying, "An ugly baby is a very nasty object, and the prettiest is frightful when undressed!"

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  94. Helmut Monotreme11:09 AM

    Everything after the Epic of Gilgamesh is fanfic and revisionism

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  95. coozledad11:19 AM

    Taffy was a Welshman
    Taffy was a thief
    Taffy came to my house and stole a side of beef
    But Taffy's going to heaven
    cause he's not Omar Sharif.

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  96. coozledad11:20 AM

    The Zappa estate would stomp a mudhole in my ass.

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  97. glennisw12:12 PM

    One more martini, and I'll be under the host!

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  98. J Neo Marvin1:56 PM

    They're the new breed of ambulance chaser -- telling every Christian who
    slipped on a banana peel not to get up, they'll make a mint in the
    Court of Public Opinion, now what was the name of that heathen who hit
    you?


    Better call Saul Of Tarsus.

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  99. Mooser2:53 PM

    "Not seeing much effort there to show that Christians are being treated
    any differently from adherents to any other religion, i.e. the
    "discrimination" part."



    Of course they are discriminated against. Do they have their own country, like us Jews do? How many IDF divisions does the Pope have? Does Robertson have nuclear bombs with his no-account, one-horse, two-timing, three-strikes-yer-out, religious symbol on it? Are the Christians allowed to ethnically cleanse areas, and confiscate property? Why not? I mean, why aren't they treated as well as us Jews?

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  100. Mooser2:57 PM

    "I thought all money was fungible?"

    It most certainly is. I spray mine with azoxystrobin, or soak it in copper zinc chromate if I see any fuzz at all.

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  101. smut clyde4:50 PM

    Is he a specialist in litigation over fractures to the seven articulating bones in each foot situated between the lower end of tibia and fibula of the lower leg and the metatarsus?

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  102. "Bless your heart."


    Do you suppose there might gradually be a decline in use of that expression, as it becomes more evident that too many outsiders have decoded it?

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  103. Bitter Scribe7:43 PM

    Didn't George Bernard Shaw say something snarky about trying to convert hungry men with a slice of bread in one hand and a Bible in the other?

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  104. Yeah, the Billy and Nixy thing...

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  105. Fuck Sam Harris. He's a reprehensible jerk. But if the physical world is an illusion to you, kindly step away from the keyboard.

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  106. As if any of us don't know already.

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  107. Mustache-baby is a hero in the making!

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  108. D. Sidhe12:26 AM

    I'm liking this mostly because the last line made me laugh. Normally, I spit nails over the fungibility argument, since it's like "class warfare": it's only valid when conservatives use it to describe things.

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  109. kaydenpat6:56 PM

    Matthew 5:10 "Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."


    Why aren't Christians rejoicing in their "persecution"? I don't get the whining when their Bible predicted this and they claim to believe their Bible.

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  110. geraldfnord5:48 PM

    I once had a case of 'Whiplash Willie', nearly the worst three weeks of my life.

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  111. geraldfnord5:52 PM

    When things go their way, it shows the power of the God who backs them; when things don't go their way, it shows the truth of the Scripture cited...so I guess they think they're just speaking truth to power.

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