Tuesday, July 23, 2013

THE STUPIDEST THING EVER WRITTEN UNTIL JONAH GOLDBERG WRITES SOMETHING ELSE.

British PM David Cameron's anti-porn proposals are so stupid he's already begun to back off them, and even Charles C.W. Cooke, an asshole, has come out against them. The best you can say for the program is that is has stirred Jonah Goldberg to one of his classic foot-in-bucket fartfests:
I understand that we are in a very libertarian moment. I myself have become far more sympathetic to libertarianism over the years.
Wait for it...
But I just can’t get as worked up about David Cameron’s porn crackdown as Charlie can.
I think libertarianism is bullshit and even I'm offended by this.
The “who’s to judge?” refrain very often strikes me as camouflage for the more radical claim that judgment is either impossible or simply illegitimate.
This is really about standards. If you depict women having orgasms, soon every woman will want one! What then? Fart.
In other words, hand-waving about, say, the peril to free speech of banning Lady Chatterley’s Lover says little about how to view some dimly lit bukkake compilation (don’t look it up if you think you might not want to know).
Goldberg moves as easily from a right to say "yuk, bukkake, amirite?" to a right to stop other people from watching it as, I expect, he moves from eating leftover meatloaf with his fingers to drinking salsa out of the jar in his midnight (and 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. and 10 p.m. and 11 p.m.) raids on the fridge.
It’s a bit like the death penalty. Opponents always want to argue that the death penalty is 100 percent wrong when the person about to be executed is a somewhat sympathetic figure, or when there is some real or alleged ambiguity about his guilt. But sometimes the evidence of guilt is overwhelming and the convict is a child rapist, mass-murdering demon. Then, suddenly, death-penalty opponents grow quiet as they await a more convenient poster child.
That's why they picked rape-murderer Robert Lee Willie as the model for Dead Man Walking. So mediagenic!
Unless you believe that there should be no legal impediment whatsoever to hardcore porn on, say, Saturday-morning broadcast television, you too believe in censorship. Similarly, if you believe there is some information — any information! — the government should be allowed to keep the press from reporting, you also believe in censorship. Now that we’ve established that in principle...
...Jonah Goldberg gets to be yukmaster general. I wonder if this junior-high debate bullshit works with anyone.
I am not for banning porn (if you could ban it at the local level, I would be more sympathetic to that).
I have followed Goldberg for over a decade and this is as classically Goldbergian a "veer in one direction, then another, then disappear into a cloud of farts" as I have seen.
But I find the desire to help parents shield their kids from it entirely reasonable, humane, and laudable — and, yes, difficult.
Two separate cheats -- "for the children" blubbering, and "no easy choices" chin-stroking -- in the same sentence. This shit is prime.

Then Goldberg says he's "confused" by Cooke's analogy with King Canute -- no surprise there; he probably thought it was something like "Linus the Lion Hearted" that came on TV after he stopped watching cartoons -- and, feebly grasping that it has something to do with fighting the forces of nature, persists:
Regardless, it seems to me that virtually every major challenge of the human condition is ultimately “unstoppable”: Disease, crime, natural disasters, cosmic entropy, karaoke, etc. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to smooth out the rough edges, go for the small improvements where we can, and muddle through from one generation to the next.
No one can prove that oceans of internet porn have done anything worse to humanity than give Goldberg another opportunity to embarrass himself, yet he compares it to disease and crime as something we should do something about, rather than as something normal people just shrug off and learn to live with, like, say, universal health care.

Cooke basically tells him where to get off (politely, though -- a man's gotta eat) and Goldberg actually comes back, this time with buckets on both feet:
...as Charlie is far more knowledgeable about his exotic homeland than I, I’m willing to defer to him when it comes to distrusting the British government.
Translation: I didn't know what the fuck I was just talking about but it doesn't matter, I'm a legacy pledge.
Fortunately, Charlie has elevated the discussion from the particulars to the general, and on that ground I’m less deferential. He alludes to what “the story of government in the West” is but I’m not sure what he’s saying. If he’s saying it’s always preferable to keep the government from making mistakes in the first place, rather than trying to fix them later, I suppose that’s fine (though some things, like gas station burritos, only emerge as mistakes after you try them). If he’s saying that once we acknowledge a principle for Orwellian/Statist/Censorial expansion we start riding the slippery slope to ever greater oppression, I’m afraid I disagree.
This is literally gibberish. But the next line is killer:
The best one can say about this kind of argument is that it is sometimes true and it’s sometimes false.
To match this with our traditional Goldberg signifiers is difficult, but a close equivalent might be Goldberg farting from every pore.

Thereafter Goldberg does his own version of Peter Boyle's "One guy lives in Brooklyn, one guy lives in Sutton Place" speech from Taxi Driver, demonstrates that he can't understand why child pornography is about child exploitation rather than free speech, and actually says this:
Right now, thanks to censorship, it is illegal to put up a giant electronic billboard in front of a school depicting fictional scenes of gang rape or child sex. Given his embrace of free speech absolutism, is that a bad thing?
And (I hope this is graven on his monument):
The internet is no billboard, but I think the principle can make the leap.
Then he brings up "Plato’s Republic... the Jacobins, the Nazis, the Communists" to show that he is too an intellectual, see?

I give it four farts.

105 comments:

  1. XeckyGilchrist10:59 PM

    (if you could ban it at the local level, I would be more sympathetic to that).


    Libertarianism in a nutshell - tyranny isn't tyranny unless it's the Feds doing it. I'll admit to surprise that he's not opposed to all government bans and making an exception for corporate-enforced bans somehow.


    I too give it four farts. Out of three.

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  2. Spaghetti Lee11:07 PM

    the peril to free speech of banning Lady Chatterley’s Lover says little about how to view some dimly lit bukkake compilation



    Are well-lit ones judged differently?

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  3. Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep!


    What is it about consent this asshole refuses to understand? Adults can consent to watch porn, make porn, watch goldbergian bukkake if they want (ain't Rule 34 a killer)? The controls in place are not censorship, they are in place because:
    CHILDREN CAN'T, DICKWEED! THIS IS WHY WE DON'T SHOW 'DEBBIE DOES LUCIANNE' ON SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON BLOCK!


    English, motherfucker, do you speak it? Consent, a simple word and concept. Twerp.

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  4. Oh, dear fuck, why am I awake for this? Jonah, you EAT from those buckets, don't stick your fungoid feet in 'em.

    "The internet is no billboard, but I think the principle can make the leap".
    Yeah, we know your leaps of not just ill logic, but long dead idiocy.

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  5. Well, they're Jonah free, I suppose. Which is all you really need.

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  6. whetstone11:20 PM

    The earnestly unselfconscious pleasure he takes in what most writers would consider to be the waste product of their thought process ("how *is* the Internet different from a billboard, anyway?") is as close as one can come, I submit, to understanding exactly what is going on in the mind of a child as he smears the walls with poop.

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  7. mortimer11:23 PM

    Wow, this is indeed primo Goldberg, expertly flayed.
    a "veer in one direction, then another, then disappear into a cloud of farts"

    I'm convinced that Jonah Goldberg and Megan McArdle are the same person. There is no hem they won't haw, no bush they won't beat around, no position they won't hedge. They are both profligate in their abuse of the equivocating but-fuck:

    I myself have become far more sympathetic... But I just can’t get as worked up..
    I’m not saying...and I agree that... But Charlie’s objections seem
    I am not for banning porn... But I find the desire...
    Maybe that’s true, but...


    Even his farts have farts.

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  8. whetstone11:24 PM

    I only watch Dogme 95 bukkake.

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  9. AGoodQuestion11:25 PM

    Right now, thanks to censorship, it is illegal to put up a giant electronic billboard in front of a school depicting fictional scenes of gang rape or child sex.
    You seem very sure about that, Jonah. Care to explain how you made this discovery?

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  10. AGoodQuestion11:27 PM

    You say this to get on HMDK's good side?

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  11. I think this is the first time I've ever expressed love for someone named mortimer. But that is just perfection. You've nailed their endless cowardly need for something they once heard mentioned, callled "plausible deniability". Problem is, neither one of them have ever made arguments that'd be covered by it.

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  12. I hope not, because I'm queasy enough as it is.

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  13. M. Krebs11:39 PM

    The subject of gas station burritos is finally one upon which Jonah can pontificate with genuine authority.

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  14. calling all toasters11:47 PM

    Well, it was the Feds who destroyed our right to own slaves, which is the most important freedom of all.

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  15. calling all toasters11:57 PM

    "The best one can say about this kind of argument is that it is sometimes true and it’s sometimes false."


    Goldberg is apparently performing a one-man psychodrama, reliving his constant humiliating defeats at undergraduate bull sessions. Now he plays all the parts so his opponents are stupid, too -- and he still can't declare himself the winner.

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  16. Fats Durston12:06 AM

    "he moves from eating leftover meatloaf with his fingers to drinking salsa out of the jar"

    Woah, woah, woah. Jonah wouldn't betray his faithful NRO readers with such tainted immigrant cuisine. Nothing but drinking pure ketchup for him, from a squeezy bottle.

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  17. Glock H. Palin, Esq.12:15 AM

    Exactly! When I saw that I thought "Finally, something right in Jonah's wheelhouse".

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  18. Another Kiwi12:31 AM

    I thought that that was the "I'm just regular folks" moment.

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  19. Farting from every pore. Oh my god, I am crying with laughter.

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  20. DocAmazing12:48 AM

    Even his farts have farts.


    Metaflatulence. Goldbergian Nirvana, right there.

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  21. DocAmazing12:50 AM

    For what those guys in Sherman Oaks get paid, the bukkake better be well-lit!

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  22. hellslittlestangel12:57 AM

    Hmm. If by some sorcery you could chop up Jonah Goldberg into hundreds of little Jonah Goldbergs, you would have his comments section.

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  23. I think that quote is going to be bouncing around in my head the next time someone claims that Goldberg is clever.

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  24. Amateur pornography, by its very nature, meets every qualification for Dogme. Does this make it art? Discuss.

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  25. Any time I read about another anti-porn crusade, I'm reminded of the efforts by Buddhists to wipe out erotic literature in China. One monk came up with a novel approach - he wrote his own erotic literature, which appeared normal in every way. However, it would take a horrifying, often violent turn in the middle, and would end in a lesson about avoiding wanton sexuality. There's no evidence that this method worked to combat smut, but several tropes devised by this monk would later appear in legit erotic works.


    I guess what I'm saying is: Keep talking about bukkake, Jonah, you're only making things weirder.

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  26. Well, I'd say that shitsmearing kids are exploring ther art, while Goldberg is makin' a hasty retreat from any semblance of it. In other words, motherfucker can't even outwit toddlers.

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  27. Jon Hendry5:13 AM

    Even his farts lack commitment, either starting or ending as a belch.

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  28. Jon Hendry5:14 AM

    Yeah, that explains Japan pretty well.


    "And then... EELS".

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  29. His cleverness apparently extends to weak jokes about karaoke and gas station burritos, so...

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  30. No, seriously though, conservatives really don't understand the concept of consent. It's all about their madonna/whore complex, which is why rape is only bad if the victim was a pure, chaste lady who didn't go to bars or dress revealingly.

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  31. tigrismus8:22 AM

    D Johnston's erotica-writing anti-porn monk should contact you for ideas that would really work.

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  32. Api Trade8:30 AM

    One monk came up with a novel approach - he wrote his own erotic literature, which appeared normal in every way.Adults can consent to watch porn, make porn, watch goldbergian bukkake if they want (ain't Rule 34 a killer)?
    Kasy i drukarki fiskalne

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  33. mrstilton8:31 AM

    If true, perhaps this means that Jonah really is clever. Perhaps he is brilliantly reimagining as a career of hackish buffoonery Alan Cumming's brilliant reimagining of Macbeth as a one-man show.

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  34. Jay Schiavone8:46 AM

    He bought that salsa for the gas station burritos (which never seem to make it all the way home).

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  35. BigHank538:59 AM

    Actually, if you take a whole ten seconds or so to consider it, it's a fucking moronic analogy: how many times have you seen any food worth eating at a gas station, never mind a freaking burrito, which (like a burger) is an entree that should be assembled from hot and cold components seconds before it's served to you.

    Jonah, of course, is too busy congratulating himself for making a simile (all by himself!) to check for quality.

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  36. BigHank539:05 AM

    Insert TENTACLE PORN joke here.


    Or, you know, don't.

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  37. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:19 AM

    I understand that we are in a very libertarian moment. I myself have become far more sympathetic to libertarianism over the years.


    It's because Conservatives are about as popular as butt cancer.

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  38. witlesschum9:20 AM

    It seems bizarre for Goldberg to be wandering around in this manner. He can't be dumb enough to not understand that The Corner's audience and the Bang Bros audience are roughly the same, can he? I mean, we know about the extra furious pace at which the so-called red states consume porn and I don't think it's possible that all the desire to punish women through legislation that makes up the conservative agenda doesn't also get expressed by a fondness for the more misogynist types of porn. I guess he figures nobody's going to admit to liking bukkake in the NRO comments, because there's something slightly unmanly about admitting that, so he'll get by with it. It's a weird kabuki dance, but I guess that's a lot of what being the NRO is all about.

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  39. Yes, hence the Tea Party makeover.
    ~

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  40. See also: "Liberals are the real racists."
    ~

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  41. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:23 AM

    Jonah fantasizes about the actress being sprayed with custard when he watches bukkake. He pronounces it buk-CAKE.

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  42. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:27 AM

    The internet is no billboard, but I think the principle can make the leap

    Jonah knows it's a series of tubes.

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  43. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:29 AM

    Nah, all that bukkake he's watching has him reaching for the mayo jar.


    Yeah, I'm still invested heavily in brain bleach futures.

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  44. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:30 AM

    Shorter Jonah, "Why is my dick orange?"

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  45. tinheart9:39 AM

    They say Newt Gingrich is a dumb person's idea of what a smart person sounds like. Well, Jonah Goldberg is a dumb person who think's he's smart's idea of what a smart person sounds like.

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  46. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:41 AM

    "Write what you know" is a common piece of advice.

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  47. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:43 AM

    Nah, I bet he actually eats gas station burritos, and squashed Twinkies found under the couch cushions, and the like.

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  48. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:44 AM

    There's no distinction between his mouth and his ass.

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  49. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:44 AM

    Farts all the way down...

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  50. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard9:46 AM

    Putting the "EWWWW" in "Taboo".

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  51. Halloween_Jack9:52 AM

    Jonah: "I want to thank Charlie for his thoughtful response to my surprise attack. I’ll be honest, one of the reasons I picked a fight with Charlie is that I think the Corner desperately needs some of that old-time back-and-forth and I knew he’d be game. "


    Translation: "I'm telling my mommy on you!"

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  52. montag29:56 AM

    Hmm. Burritos. Gas stations. Karaoke. Bukkake. Internet as billboard. Gang rape. Free speech absolutism. "Taxi Driver." Cosmic entropy. Censorship. Saturday-morning cartoons.


    This is, I think, Doughy in imitative mode.



    He thinks this is how Hunter S. Thompson would do it. This is his idea of Gonzo Journalism.


    Except with farts.

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  53. Mr. Wonderful10:12 AM

    It's not the making of a simile that wins his self-approval, it's his "wit." As in the comment about karaoke--he thinks he's both interesting AND amusing. (And displays the common touch.) The only reason "airline food" doesn't appear in his punch lines, such as they are, is because it no longer exists.

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  54. coozledad10:13 AM

    He'll hit peak equivocation mode when he finds Cool Ranch Bukkake® flavored Doritos at his gas station.

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  55. Mr. Wonderful10:15 AM

    Oh, fine. What about the rest of us? Fuck you.

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  56. DocAmazing10:22 AM

    Best place to go for a glazed Danish.

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  57. They will certainly increase his already prodigious gaseous output.

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  58. Mr. Wonderful10:26 AM

    If that's "censorship" then the word means nothing. I know--forget it, Jake. It's Goldberg, where words often do mean nothing--but srsly? This high school debate club "oh yeah? well it's censorship that you can't say 'fuck' in a Cialis commercial" Lisa Loopner braying? And why "fictional" scenes?


    If Jonah and McCardle aren't the same person, what they have in common is the belief that, since they're "columnists," literally anything they find in the landfill of their minds is worth writing down and worth our attention.

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  59. BigHank5310:37 AM

    Are you aware that Monkey Gland Sauce flavored potato chips are a real product?

    http://foodstuffsa.co.za/new-product-stuff/snacks-mainmenu-114/3006-simba-and-steers-come-together-to-deliver-new-chip-flavour


    Sadly, they don't taste anywhere near as interesting as they sound.

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  60. coozledad10:41 AM

    I still haven't gotten over cane rat boullion being the taste most universally popular among humans..

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  61. He talks out of both.

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  62. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard11:06 AM

    The Flatularity

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  63. Bethany Spencer11:22 AM

    "Regardless, it seems to me that virtually every major challenge of the human condition is ultimately “unstoppable”: Disease, crime, natural disasters, cosmic entropy, karaoke, etc. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to smooth out the rough edges, go for the small improvements where we can, and muddle through from one generation to the next."


    Careful, Jonah. That sounds an awful like an argument for tolerance of nuance...or moral relativism!!!!

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  64. Bethany Spencer11:23 AM

    It's a fart penumbra.

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  65. Surly Duff11:24 AM

    It is also apparent that his farts like to smell themselves as much as Goldberg likes to smell his own.

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  66. Surly Duff11:25 AM

    Well, it does explain all the farting.

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  67. calling all toasters11:46 AM

    "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of noisy farts and wingnut paranoia, signifying nothing."

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  68. Duncan11:52 AM

    Right now, thanks to censorship, it is illegal to put up a giant
    electronic billboard in front of a school depicting fictional scenes of
    gang rape or child sex. Given his embrace of free speech absolutism, is
    that a bad thing?



    But the Bible, which depicts inerrant, God-breathed scenes of gang rape and child sex, is legal in the United States! And some want to teach this so-called Holy Book in schools, to our children! Amirite?

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  69. I, for one, would pay good money to see Jonah try to make the leap. Any leap really.

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  70. BigHank5312:12 PM

    Yeah, I thought it sounded suspiciously like an argument for a robust social safety net, MedicAid, guaranteed pensions, equal rights, and some other commie shit.

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  71. BigHank5312:18 PM

    ....where can I get my hands of some of that, he wondered. Seeing as the great gazoogle claims you're the only person to use the phrase in like, ever.

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  72. KatWillow12:23 PM

    I thought bukkake was a pastry from Hungary or someplace near Hungary.

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  73. KatWillow12:25 PM

    If they understood consent, they'd understand why slavery is wrong. Can't have that.

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  74. BigHank5312:29 PM

    Well, that's one way to look at it, given how much porn production has moved to Eastern Europe.



    ...you didn't google that at work, did you?

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  75. KatWillow12:32 PM

    "The worst think one can say about this kind of argument is that it is sometimes true and it's sometimes false"

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  76. Jay B.12:35 PM

    So...Banning porn "at the local level" is somehow feasible and desirable (what's the mechanism for that anyway? Neighborhood watches wearing raincoats? George Zimmerman would KILL to be able to snitch on porn folk), but heaven help a municipality which wants to, say, regulate air pollution or fracking-contaminated groundwater.

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  77. People with money will get their porn, contraception and abortions no matter what, so this is a cost-free strategy to keep the bluenoses in the coalition.

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  78. Tony Prost12:45 PM

    damn! now I can't watch bukkake any more without thinking about Doughy Pantload. Thanks Jonah!

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  79. Tony Prost12:47 PM

    they don't understand consent, they only understand permission granted or denied.

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  80. Jay B.1:02 PM

    The “who’s to judge?” refrain very often strikes me as camouflage for the more radical claim that judgment is either impossible or simply illegitimate.

    "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["stupid fucking posturing"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the words involved in this case, well, it's stupid fucking posturing all the way." -- Justice Potter Stewart

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  81. Shark or Grand Canyon, let the pay-per-view audience decide!
    ~

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  82. Gromet1:27 PM

    Don't say insert.

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  83. Gromet1:29 PM

    I'm in love with the idea of Goldberg in a gas station, staring at the burritos, thinking, "Maybe this time..."

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  84. Gromet1:34 PM

    The “who’s to judge?” refrain very often strikes me as camouflage for
    the more radical claim that judgment is either impossible or simply
    illegitimate.


    Wait. Did he really just write Saying "No one can judge" is often camouflage for the claim "No one can judge"?

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  85. gocart mozart1:36 PM

    Yes

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  86. gocart mozart1:38 PM

    Glazed Danish = Scandinavian porn?

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  87. coozledad1:52 PM

    I read about it in some book about deforestation in Central Africa, And how French logging companies impact primate populations by encouraging their workers to hunt and kill their own" bushmeat". It's one of the sources of the claim that AIDS passed into the human population via a butcher who was carving up chimpanzees? in the kitchen of some logging operation.


    Maggi makes cane rat boullion cubes for the African/ Asian market, IIRC.

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  88. Well, the deep, dark core of the conservative philosophy, which even many conservatives know enough shame to not speak aloud*, is essentially the belief that might makes right. The fact that you can do something is all the moral justification you need for doing it. And if the slaves didn't fight back to their dying breath, well, what right do they have to complain?


    *Of course, many aren't quite self-aware enough to refrain from speaking it aloud, hence the occasional "pick a random country and throw it up against the wall" comments.

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  89. FlipYrWhig2:10 PM

    Thinking of it as a weird kabuki dance IS a good way to understand bukkake.

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  90. montag22:11 PM

    Yup, more or less. Or more. Or less. Maybe more. Maybe less. But, you never know. For sure. Although, some say more. Some say less.


    I think this should be known as argumentum ad beer commercial.

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  91. RogerAiles2:26 PM

    "I am not for banning porn (if you could ban it at the local level, I would be more sympathetic to that)."

    All porn is local, unless you have Superman's eyesight.

    Think Carnally, Wank Locally.

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  92. RogerAiles2:28 PM

    Plato's Republic? Isn't that where John Bolton got his mustache waxed?

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  93. drkrick2:56 PM

    I have to ask - was the gas station burrito line really in there? Was it a subtle bow to Roy?

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  94. XeckyGilchrist3:05 PM

    Somewhere in here is a joke about horses and Trojans but I don't have the chops.

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  95. XeckyGilchrist3:10 PM

    Nonexistence doesn't stop conservatives from complaining about stuff. See: gun confiscation laws, ACORN, cell phone service only rich people can afford.

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  96. Derek5:29 PM

    Thank you, Lord, for providing us with Jonah Goldberg, if only because you've also provided us with Roy Edroso.

    I laugh out loud at each of your skewerings of Goldberg, since lines like "To match this with our traditional Goldberg signifiers is difficult, but a close equivalent might be Goldberg farting from every pore" tickle both my PhD and my GED.

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  97. realinterrobang7:01 PM

    I respectfully request you retract the idea of hundreds of Jonah Goldbergs, please. My brain -- and the universe at large -- can't take it.

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  98. Origami_Isopod2:10 PM

    They're connected, in a ghastly fusion of The Human Centipede and an ouroboros.

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  99. Origami_Isopod2:11 PM

    ... the Abortionplex ...

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  100. Origami_Isopod2:15 PM

    He can't be dumb enoughThe answer is always "yes."

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  101. Anthony_McCarthy11:33 AM

    I generally let other bloggers know when I've written about them and what they say in my posts so I've been writing about you and what you said, Roy Edroso.

    http://zthoughtcriminal.blogspot.com/2013/07/pro-porn-journalists-declare-that-their.html

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  102. Argh! Yle!3:29 PM

    Other people generally make merciless fun of you. And hire little kids to ring your doorbell and run.


    Sleep well, Sparky.
    :-)

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  103. Anthony_McCarthy9:35 AM

    If by others you mean that Steve Simels guy whose sock puppet you are, yeah. But if anyone wants to watch me dishing it back and kicking it around, they can read our exchanges at my other blog, Crush Seth MacFarlane's Nuts

    http://crushmacfarlanesnuts.blogspot.com/



    Do your worst, Simmie, it's just material to me.

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