Tuesday, July 02, 2013

SHORTER JONAH GOLDBERG:

Though I pride myself on my fratboy sense of humor I have never heard a joke about fetuses before and I think everyone will agree with me they're disgusting farrrrt.

BONUS: Those other networks only show the Zimmerman trial because they hate white people but Fox News is doing it for capitalism alright besides I am a con-no-sewer and I only watch Fox News for the bracing intellectual  FÄÄÄRRRR R R R RRT.

88 comments:

  1. This is a fundamental disadvantage that pro-choice activists have in the public debate. Most of the pro-lifers I know...

    ...don't care about actual living people. So they cheer for wars, tax cuts, capital punishment, tax cuts, torture, tax cuts, and tax cuts.
    ~

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  2. tinheart2:53 PM

    Fratboy would be the wrong word to use to describe Jonah Goldberg. He graduated from Goucher College, which had formerly been a women's college and certainly had no fraternities when he went. (And still doesn't.)


    Trying to imagine DP in a frat and it's not working. The closest I can get to is Flounder in Animal House, when the Delta house gets to his slide and the projector displays that dumbass look on his face, which is greeted with catcalls and thrown beer cans.



    Unlike, the movie, the Deltas would never have taken him. "We don't need the dues THAT bad," they would say.

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  3. merl13:17 PM

    Double Penetration? Nope, don't want to imagine that with the Pantload. And thanks for that image, I will get revenge.

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  4. XeckyGilchrist3:32 PM

    Flounder was a legacy admission too, wasn't he? Good call.

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  5. tigrismus3:33 PM

    Most of the pro-lifers I know have the moral imagination to at least understand where pro-choice women are coming from


    Oh sure, "baby-killing sluts" is very morally imaginative.

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  6. sharculese3:47 PM

    Jonah was about to read a deadline, so he didn't have time to acquaint himself of po-faced screeches of three decades of anti-choice activists. Sure you say, he could just use a representative example, maybe the lady nominally in charge of the blog where he posts his excretions, but no, he really is that dumb and lazy.

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  7. sharculese3:50 PM

    To be fair, Roy didn't say that he was a fratboy, just that he has a fratboy's sense of humor: lazy, recycled material that finds comfort in the pain of the powerless laced with easy pop culture references and cut-rate self-reverential grandeur

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  8. montag23:51 PM

    I've got to admit, Der Pantload complaining about other people's lack of moral imagination is pretty fuckin' funny.

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  9. MRC2103:51 PM

    Didn't Jonah get the message that the GOP has to find ways to make abortion funny? Do try to keep up, Jonah.

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  10. Or he could have just read the comments section under an NRO post every now and then. All that talk about how pro-lifers totally understand where the other side is coming from, followed by dozens of variants on "DEMOCRATS ARE BABY KILLERS! THEY LIKE KILLING BABIES!"


    Thanks again for that, Rich Lowry. I'd always wondered if your readers are assholes, and now there's really no question.

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  11. sharculese4:05 PM

    "Hoes before embryos" is a little weak, imo, but "can't defetus" is A+ punsmanship.

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  12. mortimer4:11 PM

    I haven’t been to too many pro-life protests, so maybe I’ve missed the signs belittling pregnant women who want to have an abortion. But something tells me that if such signs existed, MSNBC & Co. would hype them relentlessly.

    Every word of this is classic Goldbergian Furzmusik, but I particularly like his imaginary sign belittling pregnant women who want to have an abortion as being at all comparable to "Republicans can not defetus," the actual joke here and a fucking pun no less. As usual, it's his complete inability to ever make a sensible adult argument that makes him the eternal frat boy.

    In spite of his belief that Trayvon Martin's murder is just an excuse for liberals to "play the race card," it's nice to see Jonah defend Fox's full-time coverage of the Zimmerman trial with the argument that it's not Fox's fault too much was made of this case in the first place. That's our frat-boy rhetorician!

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  13. sharculese4:15 PM

    If anti-choicers aren't making witty signs it's mostly because they're just holding up Bible citations nobody recognizes or doing, weird, symbolic shit that just confuses normal people like the tape over the mouths thing.

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  14. sharculese4:18 PM

    Hey, Jonah, why do you think clinic escort is a thing we have to have in the pro-choice community? Hint: it's not because women seeking abortions are overwhelmed by all the good vibes from the protesters outside.

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  15. tigrismus4:18 PM

    You forgot the "super-classy" photos of aborted fetuses.

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  16. sharculese4:20 PM

    I've maintained a facebook page for a pro-choice group and every so often you log in to find some asshole is posting aborted fetus pictures on your wall. They really are the kindest, most gentle people you will ever meet.

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  17. tigrismus4:27 PM

    It's so common I find it hard to believe Jonah is clueless enough as to be totally unaware of them. Wait, this is Jonah so yeah, it's possible.

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  18. montag24:50 PM

    Yeah, I always thought that about Eric Rudolph. Kind, gentle, psychotically fundamentalist with a fetish for explosives. And he was the outdoorsy type, too.


    What's not to like?

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  19. montag24:57 PM

    You might also mention that the bulletproof vests the docs have to wear are not fashion accessories, but, then, I think he's confused enough without having that added detail to contend with. With Doughy, intellectual overload is an ever-present threat.

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  20. In Kansas, they don't even restrict the dead baby pictures to clinic protests. Pro-lifers will show up at pretty much any public event for which they can get a permit, then hang around front just before the event starts so they can have a captive audience. I've seen them pull that shit at concerts in Wichita - and not for artists with outspoken political views, either, just any act that will have a long, slow-moving line outside of the venue.

    Yeah, real classy.

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  21. Glock H. Palin, Esq.5:22 PM

    Jesus, this short post it so larded with bullshit it's almost impressive:

    Every pro-lifer I’ve ever talked to has understood that unwanted or unexpected pregnancies can pose a real crisis for women (and men). That’s one
    reason pro-lifers invest so much in counseling efforts.

    Yeah, pro-lifers invest in counseling because they care. It's just a coincidence that every single "crisis pregnancy center" lies to women in whatever way they possibly can in order to prevent them from choosing an abortion.

    I
    haven’t been to too many pro-life protests, so maybe I’ve missed the
    signs belittling pregnant women who want to have an abortion.

    1). Why would a pro-choice sign with a silly pun be the equivalent of a sign belittling someone seeking an abortion.

    2). I think all the dead fetus pictures and accusations of being murderous sluts kind of speak for themselves.

    Regardless,
    when you see these people cheerfully making terrible puns and rhymes
    about fetuses and embryos, like it’s all a big joke, it’s hard not to
    conclude that they lack a moral imagination of any kind.

    Yes, if there's one thing that reveals a person to be an amoral monster, it's puns.

    Meanwhile,
    these activists trivialize what to most Americans is not trivial. I’m
    sure they have their giggles and someone writes them a check.

    Guy who gets paid to write terrible propaganda because of who his mommy is tries to devalue the efforts of grassroots activists by implying they are being paid. Rich.

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  22. gocart mozart5:41 PM

    Needs moar "Holocaust"

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  23. gocart mozart5:43 PM

    So a priest a fetus and a rabbi walk into a bar . . .

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  24. sharculese5:44 PM

    The reason pro-choicers make jokes is that even in a pro-choice state, the level of demonstrably false bullshit you have to put up with is fucking exhausting. I can't imagine what it's like to work in Texas.

    Also, too, I've gotten up on the soapbox in like every Texas thread this past week, but since the part you quoted tees me up again: The idea that Texas pro-choicers are swimming in money would be laughable if it wasn't offensive. It's exactly the opposite. If you plan to give money to help out, don't stop at the politicians, NARAL and Planned Parenthood need your money, too.

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  25. Tony Prost5:55 PM

    " I did not know
    or realize that FAMU, as it is called, was a traditionally black
    college...I regret any offense along those lines I may have
    inadvertently caused."

    Yeah, because people regularly call the students at Stanford and MIT "monkeys" and "simians."

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  26. M. Krebs7:23 PM

    What's with the umlauts? Is Jonah farting in German now? In which case, I think it should be FUUURRRRTTTZZ.

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  27. Substance McGravitas7:27 PM

    Regardless,when you see these people cheerfully making terrible puns and rhymes about fetuses and embryos, like it’s all a big joke, it’s hard not to conclude that they lack a moral imagination of any kind.

    Hmmm...

    “I’ve long been an admirer of, if not a full-fledged subscriber
    to, what I call the “Ledeen Doctrine.” I’m not sure my friend Michael
    Ledeen will thank me for ascribing authorship to him and he may have
    only been semi-serious when he crafted it, but here is the bedrock tenet
    of the Ledeen Doctrine in more or less his own words: ‘Every
    ten years or so, the United States needs to pick up some small crappy
    little country and throw it against the wall, just to show the world we
    mean business.’”

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  28. Substance McGravitas7:30 PM

    And the priest points at the fetus and says "See? ALREADY WALKING."

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  29. Rabbi says, I'll buy you a shrink.
    ~

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  30. redoubt7:38 PM

    Real reason why the Zimmerman trial irks him:

    I understand the complaint (I’ve already been bumped from two shows because of it).


    He's been bumped from TWO SHOWS, PEOPLE!!! Nothing is more important than him having his fat smug mug (in high-definition for low comedy) plastered all over Rupert's Sewers.

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  31. tigrismus7:46 PM

    The fetus forgot his wallet so the priest picks up up the wine, rabbi picks up the tip. The fetus says, Cead Mohel Failte.

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  32. tigrismus7:47 PM

    The priest responds, I didn't even touch you!


    Yeah, I got nuttin.

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  33. Bethany Spencer8:32 PM

    I think this one was a shart.

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  34. Bethany Spencer9:49 PM

    Whoa.

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  35. Spaghetti Lee9:53 PM

    What's the difference between Jonah Goldberg and a pile of dead fetuses?

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  36. Mr. Wonderful10:13 PM

    Well said. With Jonah, there's also always an undertone of long-suffering weariness, as though his lifelong (sic) career as a thinker has taken a toll on his very spirit. He thinks we think he actually works for a living.

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  37. montag210:29 PM

    Oh, I get it. This is how George Zimmerman's lawyer began his opening remarks.

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  38. montag210:31 PM

    Fox News Channel. The only network with green rooms stocked with Cheetos.

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  39. Mark B.11:01 PM

    The Texas Legislature is right now hearing testimony from citizens, they've managed to somehow line up mostly anti-abortion wackos who are in favor of restricting health care for women. Some of the the stories unbelievable, telling horror stories of abortion mills that resemble medeival dungeons where people are treated like cattle and forced to have abortions against their will.. Amazingly, none of these stories ever have any evidence to back them up. I'm always skeptical of horror stories like this, especially if there's no way to verify them.


    Also wacky economic theories that somehow all these aborted babies are wrecking our economy. It's a real freakshow.

    They're doing a much better job of P.R. this time, and putting on a show for the yokels, and it's going to be over at midnight,, so nobody will catch on that a lot more people were willing to speak against the bill than for it.

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  40. Mark B.11:16 PM

    Chairman just got called out on the fact that they're letting supporters of the bill testify more than those who oppose it, even though they are outnumbered greatly. He simply ignored the question.

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  41. montag211:25 PM

    If we have nine or ten million long-term unemployed now, people for whom there simply are no jobs, many of them young and educated, what would the economic picture look like (to use their figures) with fifty million unemployed, with many of those not born in the best of circumstances and likely not well-educated?


    I'll tell you--it would look like 1932.


    So, they can take that economic argument and stick it where it belongs.


    Perry may yet succeed in turning Texas into a giant economy-sized version of El Salvador, but not even he--dumb as he is--should mistake that progress.

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  42. Funny.... Sad..,to sides of the fake coin of sincerity. Pantload never gave a shit, because he's never had to take one on his own.

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  43. Derelict12:14 AM

    Not to mention making poor people suffer as much as possible. Funny how most of the supposed christians would have despised Jesus had they been around at that time.

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  44. sharculese12:19 AM

    They took Kermit Gosnell as a green light to crank out all the ludicrous abortion mill stories they previously would have shelved. Seriously, the suffering of Pennsylvania women was fucking Christmas for these people.

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  45. sharculese12:22 AM

    Sometimes I assume I liked a comment and it only dawns on me later that I didn't, and I'm like, 'why the fuck not? what is wrong with you?'


    This is one of those times.

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  46. JennOfArk12:51 AM

    Lessee...you can't shovel Goldberg with a pitchfork?
    No, my bad...that's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead fetuses.
    Ok, how about...some people pretend to care that the fetuses are dead, which won't happen when Jonah is?

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  47. DocAmazing12:59 AM

    One is a deplorable squandering of human life and the other is medical waste.

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  48. freq flag1:20 AM

    The perfect career path for this lifelong, professional Wannabe...every
    thing he has/is/does is a direct result of being the spawn of Republican
    Dirty Tricks skank-for-hire Lucianne Goldberg.

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  49. freq flag1:21 AM

    No foetus can beat us.

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  50. freq flag1:25 AM

    "Clueless" is way too generous for the D.P.
    I've always considered him to be among the most dreadful of the "willfully ignorant." For fun & profit.

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  51. freq flag1:26 AM

    Heh, "larded." Perfect.

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  52. freq flag1:27 AM

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    Jonah.

    Jonah who?
    .
    .
    .
    usw.

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  53. thanks for that wonderful information. it is really useful.
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    ReplyDelete
  54. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard4:44 AM

    When is it not?

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  55. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard4:44 AM

    Orange green rooms... what a concept!

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  56. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard4:50 AM

    I can picture it now... "SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Foghat and Fetus Photos at the Civic Arena!"

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  57. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard4:52 AM

    Your nuttin is better than most people's sumptin'.

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  58. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard4:55 AM

    I imagine he's hit by that long-suffering weariness every time he climbs the stairs.

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  59. Jonah was about to hit a deadline, so he didn't have time to acquaint
    himself with the po-faced screeches of three decades of anti-choice
    activists



    Including such gems as the stories about doctors eating aborted fetuses. Yes, clearly the anti-choicers are the ones with a grip on reality here.

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  60. Jeffrey_Kramer7:56 AM

    OK, so we start with "Look what this sign said: what a telling commentary on the moral vacuum at the heart of The Left."* If that's the game, obviously we need some equitable rules to determine whose awfulhorrible sayings or signings count for how much. I propose we simply compare like to like. In descending ranking of gotcha-points awarded, we'd have:

    National elected officials (James Inhofe, Louie Gohmert, Michelle Bachmann...): 10 mangos for each statement which would make a reasonable, neutral observer fear for the future of the human race.**

    Local elected officials (Joe Arapaio, Jodie "Rape kits clean you out" Laubenberg, Larry "Publically hang abortion docs" Pittman...): 9 mangos for each statement

    Private citizens (ministers, former cabinet members, former candidates etc.) whose endorsements were solicited or explicitly welcomed by elected officials (James Hagee, John Bolton, Christine O'Donnell...): 8 mangos for each statement.

    Speakers at rallies hosted by elected officials (David Barton, John "Statue of Liberty is a demonic idol" Benefiel, C. Peter "Japanese Emperor caused tsunami by fucking sun goddess" Wagner): 7 mangos

    TV & radio hosts on whose shows national elected officials have appeared (Rush Limbaugh, Bryan Fischer, Rick Wiles...): 6 mangos

    People who have shared a podium (e.g. at CPAC) with national elected officials (Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Pamela Geller...): 5 mangos

    Columnists and editors for nationally recognized publications (Peggy Noonan, John Fund, Jonah Goldberg...): 4 mangos

    Speakers at large rallies covered on national news: 3 mangos

    Bloggers with some national recognition: 2 mangos

    Commenters on such blogs, or sign-holders at large rallies: 1 mango


    So, Is there any chance that "the left" could begin to compete with the right in this game?

    *I was starting to see "the opening gambit is," but that conjured a picture of Jonah playing chess, and I just couldn't get past that image.

    ** "Reasonable, neutral observer" is limited to those to the left of
    any figure named on this list and to the right of those on the hypothetical list of horrible left-wingers.

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  61. Jeffrey_Kramer8:43 AM

    I think you'll agree that "the white male is the Jew of liberal fascism" displays a truly extraordinary moral imagination. A batshit insane moral imagination, true, but he's definitely got . . . something.

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  62. Dr. Hunky Jimpjorps8:54 AM

    When it's a substanceless blast of rhetoric that ends in a plea for his readers to figure it out because he simply must shampoos his goldfish right now.

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  63. Halloween_Jack9:57 AM

    Standard-issue conservative compassion: "right to life" ends at birth.

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  64. montag29:57 AM

    Ah, yes, Michael Ledeen, that long-time admirer of Italian fascists. Every other word out his mouth is "democracy," but the guy's got a genuine fondness for black shirts.

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  65. Jake the snake10:02 AM

    However, tell them that and they will get all offended and ask whatever can you mean.

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  66. montag210:07 AM

    Not really. A simple inversion of the facts in order to prop up a long-discredited, book-length logical fallacy doesn't require imagination. Or much effort.


    Which is a good thing for Doughy, because he isn't capable of either.

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  67. montag210:10 AM

    Or tries to think.

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  68. Scott Lemieux10:15 AM

    "I’ve already been bumped from two shows because of it." Truly, the loss to western civilization from the Zimmerman trial will be immeasurable.

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  69. Halloween_Jack10:17 AM

    Even if Doughpants isn't responsible for the comments of individual commenters, he certainly does attract a certain type:

    The "Defetus" chick has quite a rack. I'd do her. Not sure about the other one.

    (There was an article out there, a few years ago, about how Republican chicks were easier than Democrat chicks. I'm riffing on that.)

    and

    There's only a trial because race hustlers demanded it and threatened riots.And riots are threatened if Sharpton/Jackson/Shabazz don't approve of the verdict.
    You can't give in to terrorists.


    Once again, I'm almost nostalgic for the time before the masks came off.

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  70. montag210:52 AM

    Yup, Lee Atwater must be grinning from ear to ear in his special ring of Hell.

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  71. montag210:55 AM

    Every once in a while, I imagine Jesus walking into one of Joel Osteen's extravaganzas with a whip, whereupon the crowd descends on him and beats him to death with bags of quarters.

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  72. No blood for Mohel!

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  73. I just got done imposing a little reality on the NRO douchebags. They just LOVE to explain how we don't need food stamps, prenatal healthcare, etc., because charity! Idjits.

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  74. Nah, they'd hire it out. Dirty hands are so .. uncouth.

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  75. montag211:03 AM

    I take it you haven't been to an American megachurch lately. On the surface, sweetness and light and Christian rock music. Underneath that facade, they're ready to go all Day of the Locust on the world.

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  76. Yeah, everything is taken care of by charity. That's why no one is starving, no one is dying. I hate the pious fraud and the willingness to believe in it.

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  77. Oh, I know. I'm more thinking of the process, not the the idea itself.

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  78. calling all toasters11:12 AM

    "Fratboy would be the wrong word to use to describe Jonah Goldberg."


    You transposed the "r" and the "a."

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  79. Surly Duff11:32 AM

    Is Jonah trying to fart in German now?



    That is bullshit. Everyone knows that only Liberals fart in German like Hitler used to. Liberals are the true farting fascists!

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  80. tigrismus11:55 AM

    The Dutch oven is the gas chamber of Liberal Fascism.

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  81. Mr. Freese12:33 PM

    My dad was giving me this bullshit at a barbecue a couple weeks back. Not only was he saying nobody starves or dies today, but he insisted that nobody EVER starved or died at any time in American history (I was trying to lead him to the understanding that the New Deal and LBJ-era programs drastically improved the situation in that regard.) I was dumbfounded; aren't the younger people supposed to be the naive ones?

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  82. KatWillow8:25 PM

    A friend took me to one service in a MegaChurch. I had trouble not braying with laughter when I imagined them all singing "Basketball Jones". I told her it reminded me of the midnight showings of Rocky Horror... only not as amusing.

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  83. KatWillow8:30 PM

    maybe I’ve missed the signs belittling pregnant women who want to have an abortion

    He's never been to a "pro-life" demonstration, where women seeking, or just speaking in support of abortion, are spat on, screamed at as murderers, threatened with death, etc.

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  84. KatWillow8:31 PM

    Folks should carry cans of spray paint.

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  85. Jeffrey_Kramer10:26 PM

    I wasn't thinking in terms of "creative literary/rhetorical imagination," but more like "imagine six impossibly preposterous lies before breakfast" type imagination.

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  86. MBouffant2:04 AM

    Don't knock the 'Hat!!

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