Wednesday, July 24, 2013

COME ALONG, WE'RE GOING TO THE TRANS-LUX TO HISS WILLIAM BUCKLEY.

Jay Nordlinger, who practices what at National Review passes for whimsy, tells us (as he has apparently done before) that hissing is for commies:
Speaking of longstanding complaints: I have always objected to hissing. And, all of my life, the Left has hissed. They’ve hissed movies, plays, music, me — anything they don’t like. I’m sure that conservatives have hissed, along the way. Frankly, I have never been present for this.
Liberals also loudly unwrap candy at the opera, I'm told.

Believe it or don't, this is not the craziest thing that went out under Nordlinger's name today. Here's a letter he says he received:
My girlfriend works at a retail clothing store in Chicago. She has recently had some issues with her manager (long stories, details don’t matter). 
Today, she was told by the manager, “Because you do such a good job selling, the other employees are intimidated. They are intimidated by your success. We want to move you to a fitting room [outta sight, outta mind], so other employees have a chance on the floor. I just want to have an environment where all people are equal and everybody does the same.” 
She has already found another job, and is leaving. By the way, the store called her into a meeting a few months ago and told her, “Employees said that, in the breakroom, you mentioned having a Bush-Cheney shirt. Some of them thought that was offensive, so we would like you not to speak of it at work.”
Astonishingly, Nordlinger seems to buy this ridiculous story of a retail business where the manager doesn't want a super-salesman on the selling floor because liberal fascism: "We can accept this kind of country — just accept defeat, or a kind of dhimmitude," he sighs. "Or we can push back. Push back in myriad ways, at myriad turns." He doesn't name the letter's author; Heywood Jablome, I'm guessing; sounds like his work.

And then someone sends him another Penthouse Letter, which he also buys:
Here’s some pushback for you. Someone on my team once complained to my boss that I had weighty books on my desk, which intimidated her. It made her reluctant to ask me questions. (She was reluctant, all right, but for different reasons.) The boss asked me to keep my books in a drawer, rather than on the desk itself. I adamantly refused, and challenged my boss to fire me for my refusal.
I've half a mind to send him a letter about how my liberal boss was intimidated because I have such a big dick.

150 comments:

  1. TribalistMeathead4:40 PM

    "I adamantly refused, and challenged my boss to fire me for my refusal."


    If only his/her boss had exercised their rights under at-will employment and fired him/her!

    ReplyDelete
  2. TribalistMeathead4:43 PM

    "She has recently had some issues with her manager (long stories, details don’t matter)"


    Judging by the rest of the story, no, no, details definitely don't matter.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thomas4:46 PM

    Sounds like DougJ (or is it TimF?) trolling. Present someone with a blatant fantasy that is mind-numbingly stupid but confirms their bias, then laugh at them when they repeat it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. LittlePig4:54 PM

    Jeez, you'd think conservatives would be better bullshitters than that. Fox News has really spoiled their game.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Conservatives love to play out this little fantasy that liberals are routinely living out their policies on a micro scale. Presumably this is because conservatives view politics as a moral endeavor, one which, to use the cliche, begins at home. They champion the proud, upstanding, square-jawed middle-class white man, and then imagine that successful politics simply involve taking that man and multiplying him by 300 million. Then America will be a glorious, God-fearing land that always wins its wars and where you can spend a week in the big city without meeting any minorities.


    The notion that the way I should best live my life and the way the federal government should best run this country are two very different things is all filthy leftist moral relativism.

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  6. JennOfArk4:56 PM

    Please send that letter.
    I'll send one about how I once had a conservative boss, whom I referred to (behind his back, of course) as "the whitest man in America" who bought into every Fox News trope about there being a "war" on Christmas and etc. He - a man in his late 40s - early 50s - routinely came to work wearing a polo with a sweater tied around his neck by the arms, frat-boy style, and I often fantasized about grabbing the ends of the sweater arms and pulling them tight...tighter...tighter...every time he would bloviate on the latest talking points from Bullshit Mountain.

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  7. Glock H. Palin, Esq.5:01 PM

    Today, she was told by the manager, “Because you do such a good job
    selling, the other employees are intimidated. They are intimidated by
    your success. We want to move you to a fitting room [outta sight, outta
    mind], so other employees have a chance on the floor. I just want to
    have an environment where all people are equal and everybody does the
    same.”


    I didn't know 20th Century Motors had a fitting room.

    ReplyDelete
  8. billfromboston5:10 PM

    The stories are pure bullshit of course, but one of the ironies is that employers in nearly all states are quite free to (1) tell their employees to not discuss politics in the workplace and (2) tell their employees how to keep their workplaces organized. If these rubes actually believed in or even understood the free market. they wouldn't venture into these areas when they are writing their fantasy material.


    As for the guy challenging his boss to fire him, I call 100% unadulterated bullshit. First of all, they weren't weighty books, they were jism-stained copies of Guns and Ammo. Second, he put them away immediately and peed his pants. Third, he only thought of his brave retort years later. Fourth, he's still working at the same place, or lost the job years ago and has been on the dole ever since.

    ReplyDelete
  9. And all my life the right has been catcalling and throwing tomatoes. Drives me nuts. I wish they'd cut it out.

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  10. Mike McCarthy5:45 PM

    When people tell me stories like this I as for real names - no hiding behind anonymity. If Nordlinger's girlfriend is leaving the job name the retail establishment. He can't because the story never happened. If he names a real place he risks the management there calling BS on him.

    ReplyDelete
  11. parsec5:51 PM

    Those weighty books would have to be _Atlas Shrugged_, _The Fountainhead_, and _Battlefield Earth_. They are some real door stoppers.
    They also tell anyone approaching them with a question that they are probably wasting their time.

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  12. "It made her reluctant to ask me questions. (She was reluctant, all right, but for different reasons.)"


    Jeeze, I wonder what other reasons a co-worker might have for being reluctant to ask questions of the kind of asshole who is proud that he intimidates his colleagues and challenges the poor mook who has to write his performance report.


    I'm at a loss.

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  13. I know, right? Remember the classics like "Krauts oil their machinery with rendered baby fat!" and "if she weights the same as a duck, she's made of wood, and therefore a witch!"


    Those were the Golden Days of rightwing truthiness.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That kind of playing with fire can be dangerous these days...I imagine someone came up with the Teabagger Party as a joke, and now look what's happened.

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  15. I've half a mind to send him a letter about how my liberal boss was intimidated because I have such a big dick.

    That was my first thought, too. But then again, what victory is there to be gained from fooling a man so gullible that he believes that a salesperson was fired for making too much money for her employer?

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  16. Fifth, I can only assume that this line...
    (She was reluctant, all right, but for different reasons.)
    ...is referring to his frequent unwanted sexual comments and leering.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "Oh, Mr. Brainy Conservative, look at the size of those books. I don't think I could handle anything that big..."


    (And now I feel dirty)

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  18. seitz6:09 PM

    I sense the makings of a contest. Who can write the most ridiculously outrageous story of "liberal facism" in action and get it published by Nordlinger?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Spaghetti Lee6:11 PM

    Liberal Thought Police. We're everywhere, you know. That's why conservatives only feel safe sharing their tales of heroic resistances in letters to national magazines.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Spaghetti Lee6:17 PM

    Nice effort, amateur, but if you really want Jay Nordlinger's love and admiration (and who wouldn't?!) you need to throw something in there about Boss Fake-O saying "I'm just supporting Obama's demands that people with talent and ambition be brought down a peg, for the good of the state. We all have to make sacrifices." Now that's what I call an anecdatum!

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  21. Spaghetti Lee6:22 PM

    who practices what at National Review passes for whimsy

    Come on, National Review is full of whimsy! I mean, not intentionally, but still. What could be more whimsical than Michael Ledeen calling for the forced sterilization of all liberals, K-Lo objecting because some fetuses might get caught in the crossfire, and J-Gold stepping in to say they both present good points and the real answer is that there is no answer, then signing off to go take a nap? The whole thing is like a comedy of manners playing out in real time.

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  22. coozledad6:35 PM

    Victor Davis Marcus Aurelius Tertius Lucullus Hansen:

    It was after some first-hand episodes with young
    African-American males that I offered a similar lecture to my own son. The
    advice was born out of experience rather than subjective stereotyping. When I
    was a graduate student living in East Palo Alto, two adult black males once
    tried to break through the door of my apartment — while I was in it. On a
    second occasion, four black males attempted to steal my bicycle — while I was
    on it .Once, a tall young black male ripped a basketball from my hands and
    drove to the hoop, very nearly elbowing the glasses from my face in the
    process. I think a young black man stole my chainsaw because he would have to
    have been fleet of foot. National Review has had to let several fine men go
    because of things they said about young black men
    . I could cite three more examples that
    more or less conform to the same apprehensions once expressed by a younger
    Jesse Jackson. Regrettably, I expect that my son already has his own warnings
    prepared to pass on to his own future children.


    O.K. The bolded bit is mine. But the rest is pure Sonoma
    Augustus.

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  23. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard6:38 PM

    I imagine his next piece will be about his friend who totally told off some loud Negroes in a movie theater.

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  24. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard6:41 PM

    What could be more whimsical than Michael Ledeen calling for the forced sterilization of all liberals


    And destroy the real tax base of the country?

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  25. Jay B.6:49 PM

    Man, it seems like the Airing of the Grievances comes earlier and earlier every week these days.

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  26. Jay B.6:51 PM

    Speaking of longstanding complaints: I have always objected to hissing. And, all of my life, the Left has hissed. They’ve hissed movies, plays, music, me — anything they don’t like. I’m sure that conservatives have hissed, along the way. Frankly, I have never been present for this.


    Actually, it's our lisps, because we're gay, you see. We're just saying "It's ssssuper."

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  27. It's all part of the war on Labor Day.

    ~

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  28. S-s-s-speak for yours-s-s-self. Slytherin is where it's ... in.

    ReplyDelete
  29. MatthewMikell7:15 PM

    Frankly, I have never been present for this.

    It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Spaghetti Lee7:15 PM

    "Dear National Review,

    Yesterday, while completing my daily P90X routine on the roof of my Manhattan brownstone, I noticed that there was a day-care center on fire several blocks away. Avoiding getting swamped in moral relativism, I leaped into action right away, and saved, by my count, 57 toddlers from burning to a crisp. However, Hillary Clinton then drove up in her taxpayer-funded mobile abortionplex, and said that the risk of some of those babies growing up to become successful businessmen was too great, so she threw them all back in. The white ones anyway. The black ones got Obamaphones and bottles of purple drank. I tell ya, I've just about had enough of this. I'm this close from selling my place and moving to a coal town in rural Kentucky.


    XOXOXO,
    Freedom-Loving Patriot.

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  31. Gromet7:22 PM

    "Look, all I'm saying is, people repeatedly tell me how confrontational you make even the most ordinary interactions. Maybe take tomorrow off, okay? Go fishing? You're a smart guy and you do a good job, but it's a problem for me when everyone else in the department spends time calculating ways to avoid you. So! Clean up your desk before you go home, and come in Monday like it's a fresh start. Sound good?" -- what the boss probably said right before this guy adamantly refused and issued his challenge.

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  32. sharculese7:28 PM

    We can accept this kind of country — just accept defeat, or a kind of dhimmitude



    Hi I'm Jay Nordlinger and I will shoehorn my knee-jerk racism in no matter how poorly it fits, because I am a stupid baby.

    ReplyDelete
  33. MaryL7:31 PM

    "I've half a mind to send him a letter about how my liberal boss was intimidated because I have such a big dick." You are Robin Thicke and I claim my five pounds.

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  34. Adrian7:47 PM

    And the Bible New Testament.

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  35. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard7:50 PM

    Not a chance, the New Testament has all that "turn the other cheek" and "it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than it is for a camel to get through the eye of a needle" commie shit. It's all Leviticus for these mooks.

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  36. montag28:06 PM

    Nordlinger's latest foray into fanfic seems to have titillated the rubes over at NRO, but, sadly, not much in the way of anyone else.



    Frankly, maybe he should "just accept defeat." More success in that than writing for NRO.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Sgaile-beairt8:08 PM

    so, there are **harrison bergeron** larps now??


    also, too, the only emplyer who ever got antsy abt big books was a rightwing xtian who thought asimov was satanic....yeah that one didnt last long...!!

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  38. gfburke8:09 PM

    I was saying "Boo-urns".

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  39. redoubt8:19 PM

    Hissing > Lynching

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  40. KatWillow8:48 PM

    Probably the boos had the staff rotating between tasks on a regular schedule. Miss "Imthe Best Saleswoman" thought she should be exempt from policing the fitting rooms, or returning stock to the racks, re-folding crumpled t-shirts, etc. because she made one or two more sales than the other workers.

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  41. ADHDJ8:51 PM

    "Nunc vos narro quomodo mea vita mutatur novatur
    Versa evedetur,sessus sane hic iuxta te
    Tibi loquor de willy,pulcherrimo ex bel-air


    Ludendo basket cum amicis ego crescior
    Omne die erat sic quantum me delector
    Ibant maximae dies meae sic
    Ludendo basket et videndo film spike lee
    Dein mea pila iacitur illuc
    Ibat super ilae scurrae caput et tunc
    Crudelissimus ex illis me volebat percuotere
    Et mater anxia dixit:abis ab bel-air!"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrEiqBm0Z4U

    ReplyDelete
  42. i'll say it's bullshit; nordlinger totally cut out the part where i had sex with my salesgal girlfriend and a hot milf who just so happened to be in the store and was incredibly aroused by her bush/cheney tee.

    ReplyDelete
  43. whetstone10:30 PM

    This is the saddest persecution fetish ever. Ilsa, She-Wolf of HR.

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  44. whetstone10:41 PM

    My lecture will go something like this: "I got punched by a black guy who was trying to take my wallet. The other thousands of black people I've met or passed or otherwise encountered while living in a major American city were either nice, neutral, or just didn't notice me.

    "By the way, son, if you see a class offered by a professor named Victor Davis Hanson, don't take it. That guy seems like a shithead."

    ReplyDelete
  45. Glock H. Palin, Esq.10:41 PM

    You vill remember to put ze new coversheet on your next TPS report, or zer vill be...consequences.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Origami_Isopod10:41 PM

    REAL murkins yell when they're displeased, and they take every opportunity to work in racial slurs.


    In one of his books P.J. O'Rourke once complained about the so-called "new noise," which was a tsk sound immediately followed by a hiss. I think I heard it at college maybe twice *mumble* years ago but that was about it.

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  47. Duncan10:48 PM

    The New Testament is actually quite a short book. Details, details.

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  48. Gern Blanston11:05 PM

    Not since Humbert Humbert's "(picnic, lightning)" have we seen such a suspiciously convenient little no-sweat hand wave.

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  49. DocAmazing11:06 PM

    My girlfriendwho lives in Canada works at a retail clothing store in Chicago.


    fixt

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  50. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard11:32 PM

    Nah, it's no LARP- no way would a wingnut try anything as physical as Harrison Bergeron did. Maybe it's a MMORPG.

    ReplyDelete
  51. philadelphialawyer11:46 PM

    Hey wait a minute! What about laissez faire? What about "right to work" (ie employment at will)? If gf of NR writer doesn't like her job, her boss, the policies, and so on, why doesn't she just quit and, like a good little Ayn Rand heroine, start her own company and engage in some creative destruction? Surely, a business which, in the immortal words of Rush in "The Trees," tries to cut down the oaks to the size of the maples in the name of equality, should be ripe for the picking. Instead of whining about it to her bf, and him whining about it to all and sundry, why don't the two of them get off their duffs, stop working for others, and act like real believers in capitalism by forming their own business? They could easily put these believers in equality out of business and live happily ever after, each according to their no doubt outstanding abilities without having to ever worry about the needs of others.

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  52. Spaghetti Lee12:08 AM

    Same reason no would-be Randian hero ever does. They're afraid they'll find out they're a maple.


    (But no need to drag Rush into it. I read that Neal Peart now views his objectivist days as an embarrassment, and also that when he wrote 'The Trees', he was totally stoned and any political overtones were entirely by accident.)

    ReplyDelete
  53. montag212:10 AM

    Oh, I think there's just a bit of shading of the truth here. I can envision her boss saying, "I have got to get this right-wing moron off the floor before we end up bankrupt. She's driving away customers faster than I could with a fucking stick. I can't fire her because the first time I warned her about being non-political and non-religious with customers, she threatened me with a retaliatory suit. If it's not Ayn Rand, it's baby killers and Communists and fucking fluoridation, for gawd's sake. Why can't she just sell the fucking brassieres?"

    ReplyDelete
  54. philadelphialawyer12:15 AM

    Yeah, it's always easier to talk about running your own business than actually doing it.
    On the second point, no can do. The politics are clear, and being stoned is no excuse. If anything, being stoned should have expanded Mr. Peart's consciousness to the point where he could see past the objectivist BS he had bought into when he was straight.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Spaghetti Lee12:23 AM

    "Would you like a fitting room? You know, these bras were made by non-union labor in Bangladesh. See if you can feel the freedom!"

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  56. Halloween_Jack12:27 AM

    She basically had one good day and thinks that she should be running the place. I've seen it happen more than once.

    ReplyDelete
  57. montag212:29 AM

    "Oh, no, ma'am, they're called WonderBras because they're made in Heaven by Christians out of the souls of aborted babies.



    "Honest."

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  58. Spaghetti Lee12:30 AM

    Well, OK, but four years after The Trees he was writing songs like 'Territories' and 'The Big Money', so either he turned commie in four years, or else it kind of doesn't matter. I'll go with the second.


    It's tough being a lefty Rush fan. Everyone wants to trash 'em because they've got a reputation as Ayn Rand's house band, even though only a few of the lyrics bear it out. It's good music! I'd rather listen to that than 60's folk or anti-Thatcher punk rock or whatever else qualifies as music for lefties.

    ReplyDelete
  59. montag212:34 AM

    There ain't no Ayn Rand in the Blues, son.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Halloween_Jack12:36 AM

    She has recently had some issues with her manager (long stories, details don’t matter).


    "And so I says to my manager, I says, 'OK, I did tell the bla--excuse me, the quote-endquote African-American *snort* customer that she shouldn't wear dark clothing because nobody will be able to see her at night, but I went LOL j/k and told her that I was just worried about her safety and my auto insurance premiums! Those people just can't take a joke, you know? Hey, while we're talking, let's talk races, I mean raises--oh, now what?' Maybe it was because she was Hispanic--oh, excuse me again, Latina?"

    ReplyDelete
  61. montag212:42 AM

    I have a feeling that The Turner Diaries and the NRA bumper stickers plastered to his desk might tend to kill conversation.

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  62. montag21:04 AM

    "Well, Jay, I was in the supermarket the other day, and there was this, uh, well, you know, ahead of me, and he was buying these big, thick steaks, and potato chips and onion dip (the good kind) and five big bottles of Mountain Dew with his EBT card, and you know what that means, of course.



    "And when he paid for it all (well, what am I saying, we paid for it all), he tried to sell some crack to the clerk. Well, Jay, this was just going too far, I said to myself, and I got out my phone and I dialed 911. And, just as I did, the store manager ran over and yanked the phone out of my hand so hard it hurt and screamed at me that I was engaging in racial profiling and he wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior in his store and that I should just take my business elsewhere and he got spit on me and now I might need surgery on my pinkie and the worst part was that the, uh, you know, just grinned at me just like Obama does when he thinks he's being funny. That Mr. Zimmerman was right. They always get away with everything."

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  63. philadelphialawyer1:05 AM

    Maybe I would be more sympathetic if I liked their music. But I don't. And I do like Sixties folk and anti Thatcher punk rock. But to each his own!

    ReplyDelete
  64. "Dear National Review, I never thought it would happen to me..."


    (Really, most of what NR already publishes is a form of porn.)

    ReplyDelete
  65. gainsayer3:21 AM

    bom chicka wow ewwww....

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  66. gainsayer3:25 AM

    They don't really even have to try anymore. It's like the old joke where instead of telling the actual joke, they shout out the number and everyone laughs accordingly.

    ReplyDelete
  67. stfu_donny4:05 AM

    Oh, to live on Bullshit Mountain
    with the best salesgirl on the K-Mart floor
    It's poor J-Nord on Bullshit Mountain
    Topping Goldberg is the hardest thing to do

    You can blast your feces, too

    ReplyDelete
  68. Mike Kovil4:12 AM

    Very good article! I'm waiting for more!

    _________________________________________________________
    polecamy

    ReplyDelete
  69. kodos4235:37 AM

    Oh my god - I apologize if someone else has already implored, BEGGED, really, but DOITDOITDOITDOIT! You've got the chops, man, you KNOW you could do it convincingly. Please PLEASE, we don't ask for much, your humble readers, but seriously, just do it.
    Thanks in advance.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Another Kiwi6:17 AM

    Also, girlfriend? Jay, I think you owe her the respect of calling her Mom when you talk about her.

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  71. You left out the best part where you "saved" a family who had locked themselves out of their SUV---and then REFUSED TO APPEAR IN A COMMERCIAL FOR ME BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID THE LIBRUHLS WOULD CUT THEIR HEADS OFF!!!!!

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  72. The reason this rare sound of "taking" disapproval seems to be EVERYWHERE to blowhards and pseudo-intellectual assholes like O'Rourke, et al, is that it hurts them where it counts--their over-inflated egos.


    A reaction of shouting and throwing things (the typical wingnut show of displeasure) is what they are after with their provocations. They love to get people spitting angry and jumping around like Yosemite Sam.


    What they absolutely cannot tolerate is the reaction of 'tsking' them like disappointed adults to misbehaving children.


    O-o-o-oooo...that really gits thar goats.

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  73. Agreed. I can take or leave Rush, but I recognize talent and craftsmanship to some degree. Even if they are politically deranged (arguable) Randists, those people have so few with actual talent that we should take pity and recognize them.

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  74. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard7:26 AM

    There ain't no bluesmen in Ayn Rand's novels.

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  75. tigrismus8:54 AM

    And apparently just last week he was lamenting "the death of shame" with Mona Charen. They loooove shame, as long as it's somebody else's not of their tribe.

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  76. Bethany Spencer9:00 AM

    Shorter Nordlinger: "Goddamn Muggles."

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  77. tigrismus9:01 AM

    one of the ironies is that employers in nearly all states are quite free to (1) tell their employees to not discuss politics in the workplace and (2) tell their employees how to keep their workplaces organized.


    Another is that they'd scream bloody murder were the shoe on the other foot. I mean JESUS, how many heroic tales of complaining about liberal coworkers' liberalism have we heard?

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  78. ForsettiJustice9:06 AM

    Always trust the stories and information from someone who uses the phrase "weighty books" when referring to their own reading material. Natch

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  79. glennisw9:08 AM

    Did the girlfriend then go get a job as Friedman's cab driver?

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  80. glennisw9:18 AM

    “Because you do such a good job selling, the other employees are intimidated. They are intimidated by your success. We want to move you to a fitting room [outta sight, outta mind], so other employees have a chance on the floor.


    I think the story here is that Girlfriend is poaching on other salesperson's customers for the commission.

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  81. witlesschum9:57 AM

    I'm okay with Rush's radio-ier stuff (Limelight particularly) but the idea that they have a single song that outdoes the Clash is just ludicrous.

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  82. Barry_D10:00 AM

    "Same reason no would-be Randian hero ever does. They're afraid they'll find out they're a maple."



    Or just an overgrown weed with pretensions of treedom.

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  83. Mr Premise10:12 AM

    Gap Wobegone, where all the salespeople sell more than the average.

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  84. Kurzleg10:20 AM

    I've always favored the phrasing "You can't bribe a camel to go through a needle's eye." Seems more apt given the ubiquity of the "Prosperity Gospel" hucksters out there.

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  85. dstatton10:25 AM

    This all sounds like the Hollywood conservatives who can't find work because of liberal blacklisting, rather than lack of talent. "They hate me because I'm so much better than they are." If there's anything to the story it's probably because she was lousy, but couldn't accept that.

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  86. Hugh Nohoo10:34 AM

    The tell on the supersalesgirl lie is that the socialistcommunistMuslin boss was from Chicago, because that is the source of all evil in the world.

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  87. Mr. Wonderful10:35 AM

    I want to drive across the country with this comment, staying at various motels and indulging its every request for snacks and so forth. Plus paint its toenails.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Mr. Wonderful10:37 AM

    "because some fetuses might get caught in the crossfire..."


    I lurve this image. But of course I do--as a liberal, I have the opposite of reverence for life.

    ReplyDelete
  89. digitusmedius10:40 AM

    Now we know where the American producers of "The Office" got their idea for Dwight Shroot.

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  90. Mr. Wonderful10:40 AM

    And, all of my life, the Left has hissed.


    Yeah, wherever I am, I hear hissing. And then--get this--other people say that after I leave, the hissing stops. What's THAT all about? Can't liberals be consistent about anything?

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  91. Mr. Wonderful10:46 AM

    This. "Because you do such a good job selling" is maniac-maintenance speak for, "Look, I don't want (another) confrontation that everyone, including the customers, can hear. Let's just say you're *too good* and give others--who are your inferiors--a chance. Okay?"

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  92. I would like to conjugate this comment.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Mr. Wonderful10:51 AM

    I heard Geddy Lee's (your namesake) voice once and ran off screaming. As a drummer I've been under the impresh that Peart is one of the greats, but I saw him on a Letterman Drum Solo week perf and he SUCKED, man.

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  94. And, all of my life, the Left has hissed. They’ve hissed movies, plays, music, me — anything they don’t like.

    I can say this ten times a day, but it is still true: I have sat in meetings, organized, petitioned, gotten drunk with, and made love to people on "the Left" my entire adult life, and I have never, EVER seen the kind of people and behavior that these assholes on the Right talk about.

    "The Left" that they hate so much are just figments of their imagination.

    By the way, the store called her into a meeting a few months ago and
    told her, “Employees said that, in the breakroom, you mentioned having a Bush-Cheney shirt. Some of them thought that was offensive, so we would like you not to speak of it at work.”


    So he thinks she was punished for being conservative, when the fact is, she was being an asshole for bringing up politics at work.
    ~~~

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  95. I'm a Leftist who owns a retail operation. My top commission salesman in the store where I have my office is a hard core Republican. I'd hire two more like him (sales wise, not politics wise) if I could find them.

    ReplyDelete
  96. Joke-teller: "Thirty-seven!"

    Audience: *audible groans*

    Fellow joke-teller: "Yeah, he never COULD tell that one right."


    or, alternatively



    "I keep telling him you can't tell that one with a Swedish accent."

    ReplyDelete
  97. Awesome. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  98. RogerAiles12:16 PM

    From whom else would you expect an expression of disapproval named after a Fifth Columnist?

    ReplyDelete
  99. mortimer12:31 PM

    Dear Jay,

    I just returned from a Philharmonic concert in Central Park. For the life of me I don't know why liberals insist on trying to bring our glorious mono-culture to these multicultural masses. They did all they could to disrupt the experience for appreciative conservatives like myself: cell-phone ringing, loud talking, and of course, the usual fried chicken bones and watermelon rinds were thrown all over. "Support our tropes! Support our tropes!" I bellowed at them. One specimen even spit on a bust of Brahms. Lucky for him the Chateau Merdon '94 had mitigated my ire, or he would have felt the full force of a bourgeois mentality unleashed.

    ReplyDelete
  100. gregorsam12:39 PM

    We liberals are Akbar Zib now.

    (Look up Akbar Zib, whose nomination for ambassadorship was rescinded by the host country.)

    ReplyDelete
  101. Noringer seems to have deleted the "weighty books" letter.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Gobannian12:50 PM

    Maybe Nordlinger feels intimidated because he IS such a big dick.

    ReplyDelete
  103. whetstone12:55 PM

    I'd rather listen to that than 60's folk or anti-Thatcher punk rock or whatever else qualifies as music for lefties.


    At least give Billy Bragg's "A New England" a shot. Not about Thatcher, about actual fucking.

    ReplyDelete
  104. AZDem99331:28 PM

    "Someone on my team once complained to my boss that I had weighty books on my desk, which intimidated her."


    I see Atlas Shrugged and the Fountainhead on someone's desk, I'm avoiding him like the plague too.

    ReplyDelete
  105. tigrismus1:34 PM

    "Power-Lifting for Dummies"

    ReplyDelete
  106. tigrismus1:44 PM

    Yeah, wherever I am, I hear hissing.

    He should stop hanging out with Goldberg.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Origami_Isopod1:48 PM

    He should stop hanging out with Goldberg's poorly inflated "girlfriend."

    FTFY.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Origami_Isopod1:50 PM

    Remember, kids: The larger and heavier the book, the thinkier it is. Syllables and excess verbiage add intellimagence.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Origami_Isopod1:52 PM

    Regardless of Peart's current political sensibilities... maples are more productive than oaks. Both provide wood, but maples provide syrup too. So even the metaphor sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  110. Origami_Isopod1:53 PM

    And apparently just last week he was lamenting "the death of shame" with Mona Charen.The shameless, lamenting the death of shame. Can't make this shit up...

    ReplyDelete
  111. tigrismus1:55 PM

    Have a heart, she just lost this job she was GREAT at.

    ReplyDelete
  112. Origami_Isopod1:57 PM

    Are the underwires made out of coat hangers?

    ReplyDelete
  113. Origami_Isopod2:00 PM

    She lost it to a sheep, I heard. The sad consequences of affirmative-action policies.

    ReplyDelete
  114. philadelphialawyer2:32 PM

    Yeah, their lyrics stink, even on their own terms. Really, I hate everything about them,....the mechanical sounding guitar, the whining, warbling singing voice, the politics (obviously), everything. And now he is blaming it all on pot? Pot should be legal, that is the one part of libertarianism that he should NOT have jettisoned. Instead, he is now using it as a scapegoat for his stupid ass politics.

    ReplyDelete
  115. LittlePig3:01 PM

    LATEX LIBEL!

    ReplyDelete
  116. brucej3:26 PM

    Music for lefties: Dropkick Murphys, "Take 'em down" at earbleed volume.

    ReplyDelete
  117. Bethany Spencer3:36 PM

    You need to enter my contest. http://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2013/07/the-official-lgm-rude-liberal-unicorn-contest

    ReplyDelete
  118. Yup. The Law in excruciating detail, history, poetry, prophets major and minor, massive bloodletting ... the OT packs in a lot of stuff. The NT, on the other hand, is a few summaries of varying oral traditions, and a grab-bag of personal correspondence. Heck, the Gideons even had to pad their pocket versions with Psalms and Proverbs to cover up how lightweight the New Testament is by itself.

    And given some of the popular alternatives nowadays, I'd almost prefer it if people stuck to having New Testaments on their desks, instead of, e.g., How Bible Prophecy Demonstrates That All Muslims Are Murderous Filth Who Must Be Nuked Immediately Once a Christian Is Back in the White House., or Infinite Jest.

    ReplyDelete
  119. chuckling4:01 PM

    The Old Testament is much, much worse, granted, but you can still find justification for just about any horrible act you're inclined to commit in the New Testament as well. Better to do like Jefferson and edit it down to actual quotes from the Jesus character. Better still, edit it down to what New Testament scholars generally agree to be the only possibly historical accurate quotes from the Jesus character. Then you get the Sermon on the Mount and a few words about helping the poor and not much else. Otherwise, violent racism, gay hating, worship the wealthy; it's all on the table.

    ReplyDelete
  120. They're afraid they'll find out they're a maple.

    A maple who keeps voting to bring back the gypsy moth.

    ReplyDelete
  121. Alternatively, if early Gentile Christians had actually taken to heart Paul's advice about how it would be best not to marry and have a family, they would probably have made the world a better place ... eventually.

    ReplyDelete
  122. TG_Chicago4:35 PM

    Exactly what I was thinking! Thanks to Obama and Rahm, Chicago has taken over Noo Yawk City as the #1 evil liberal urban hellhole. At least in the conservative lizard brain.

    ReplyDelete
  123. will_f5:03 PM

    Wow a down vote for Chateau Merdon '94 !?


    I always thought it was better than the '96.

    ReplyDelete
  124. will_f5:05 PM

    That Bra- Bomb had better work, Nordlinger!

    ReplyDelete
  125. YoloMike6:04 PM

    Typical Taker parasitizing a Maker....

    ReplyDelete
  126. XeckyGilchrist6:37 PM

    http://www.tinykittenteeth.com/2011/12/13/chapter-none-page-seventeen/

    ReplyDelete
  127. XeckyGilchrist7:46 PM

    She wasn't intimidated by the books, she was intimidated by your big dangling modifier.

    ReplyDelete
  128. José Luis Ávila Herrera8:03 PM

    You know what? In Mexico, we have the same problem. Intimidation is a big gun against employees than need the job. I hope goverment make a new law to controlate this type o cases. Here is my job and some fruits

    ReplyDelete
  129. brandonrg10:12 AM

    I think we've all seen the chain emails in 2008 and 2012 about the poor business owners who were going to suffer so much under NObama and decided to fire every person with an Obama bumper sticker in response.

    ReplyDelete
  130. Al Swearengen1:05 PM

    It's a regular "Bonfire of the Vapidies".

    ReplyDelete
  131. Al Swearengen1:23 PM

    Consolidated "Tool and Die"

    ReplyDelete
  132. MBouffant10:39 PM

    If no one else can be bothered to notice, excellent title.

    ReplyDelete
  133. Jeffrey_Kramer4:46 AM

    . . . "Objection!" shouted Mitty's attorney. "We have shown that the defendant could not have committed the murder. We have shown that he wore his right arm in a sling on the night of the fourteenth of July." Walter Mitty raised his hand briefly and the bickering attorneys were stilled. "With both arms in a sling," he said evenly, "I could have slapped Gregory Fitzhurst to death at ten paces with my mighty dick." Pandemonium broke loose in the courtroom. A woman's scream rose above the bedlam and suddenly a lovely, dark-haired girl was in Walter Mitty's arms. The District Attorney struck at her savagely. Without rising from his chair, Mitty let the man have it on the point of the chin. . . .


    (From "The Secret Life of Wingnut Mitty")

    ReplyDelete
  134. j_bird1:49 PM

    I could also see "you're doing too good a job selling" as a mis-transcription of "Honey, it's good that you're enthusiastic and all, but maybe you're coming on a bit TOO strong. I'm going to put you on fitting room duty for a bit and when you come back, try not to corner every customer for five minutes telling them about Ayn Rand. To tell the truth, your rants are starting to intimidate even the other employees."

    ReplyDelete
  135. geraldfnord12:29 PM

    You ignore the obvious fact that the lone right-winger is a square-jawed creative genius who gets all the work done, so inconveniencing all those other moochers doesn't affect productivity one jot (just a 'jot', 'tittle' being banned by the draconian workplace nanny-state electric Frankenstein 'harassment' policy!).

    ReplyDelete
  136. geraldfnord12:35 PM

    Fifth, the guy is very probably a proponent of an owner's right to decide what can be allowed on his [usually] property, with refusal to obey being either the immediate prelude to leaving or of the commission of trespassing.


    (I don't assume that the stories are pure bullshit---it's a really big country, and there are all kinds of outliers out there---it's just that they don't signify _anything_, it being such a big country...which might in fact be bullshit according to the author of a book of that name, it being 'not even a lie', but I disagree: even if the essence of a bullshitter is their not caring whether a statement were true or not, which is that book's thesis as I understand it, but 'bullshit' as such really does imply making stuff up.)

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  137. geraldfnord12:39 PM

    What will you do for that comment the day after it were especially friendly to you? And will you ever stare wistfully at that comment as it stands in the thread with the other comments, realising what you have taken from it (or will you at least tell the judge that)?

    ReplyDelete
  138. geraldfnord12:42 PM

    I've been away; was this kerfuffle noted here whilst I was gone?---a link, please, I want those mangos....

    ReplyDelete
  139. geraldfnord12:45 PM

    Or that they're really just acorns, which is embarrassing because of oogah-boogah and because it's their fault for insisting that they're the equals of a zygote.

    ReplyDelete
  140. geraldfnord12:48 PM

    > [...] challenges the poor mook who
    > has to write his performance report.
    Uhh, put that way, I like that guy a little, and standing up to any boss might be a first step in standing up to all the bosses.

    ReplyDelete
  141. geraldfnord12:49 PM

    They love saying 'dhimmi', because it reminds them of saying 'nigger'.

    ReplyDelete
  142. geraldfnord12:51 PM

    'Have you met my fweind...Akbaro Zibus?'

    ReplyDelete
  143. geraldfnord1:40 PM

    'The Unhip Resistance are out-of-sight! under fifty thousand hard-bound copies of "Naked Lunch"!!!'

    ReplyDelete