Monday, February 04, 2013

THE CONSERVATIVE COMEBACK, PART 102,833.

As others have observed, National Review editor Kathryn J. Lopez had a nervous breakdown because a pretty lady danced suggestively at halftime at a football game. She also managed to drag Michelle Obama and abortion into it ("It seems quite disappointing that Michelle Obama would feel the need to tweet about how 'proud' she is of BeyoncĂ©... When I saw the first lady’s tweet, I couldn’t help but think of the president talking about abortion in terms of his daughters’ freedom...").

Later Lopez actually came back to amplify:
Yes, a woman embracing her womanhood is a powerful thing. Which is exactly what we tend to suppress in so many other contexts (say, federal policy mandating that we treat women’s fertility as a disease to be medicated)...
Oh, if you think that's creepy --
Sometimes I even sing along to her songs.
K-Lo dancing around as she dusts her Immaculate Mary dolls and croons, "I need a thug that’ll have my back, Do-rag, Nike Airs to match, Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that..." I'd give my soul to take out my brain, hold it under a faucet and wash away the dirty pictures you put there todayThen she goes into a rhapsody over her recent Jesus Bieber crush Christopher West and asks that we "raise our standards. Is it crazy to think we can, even at the Super Bowl?" Maybe the folks behind Conservapedia can organize an alternate Super Bowl where a bunch of nuns sing "Dominique" at halftime.

Rich Lowry comes along to smooth things out, which seems rather chivalrous, at least compared to the way some of her colleagues treat her.
Kathryn, I just wrote a Super Bowl-related column where I touched on the halftime show, but I found it difficult to say anything about it without sounding like a kill-joy and a geezer.
Okay, Rich, maybe for you Sarah Palin can sex up the nun show.

Yeah, America's gonna warm to this movement.

UPDATE. BigHank53 in comments: "We absolutely are in desperate need of a sane, healthy embrace of human sexuality. And you're proposing that we listen to the Catholic Freakin' Church for advice on this? What's next, dating tips from the Green River Strangler?"

112 comments:

  1. I wonder how she feels about Hannah Giles dressing up like a (literal) whore?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Isn't Rich Lowry giving tips on not looking unhip one of the signs of the apocalypse? (Or was it Jonah renouncing all Cheetos and admitting that Hitler wasn't a liberal and George W. Bush was a conservative?)

    If only we could convince George Soros to dole out online gaming subscriptions and porn to these people, we could wipe out a great deal of professional trolling, I mean, conservatism. (K-Lo can get a Mitt Romney lookalike to read her passages from Laffer Curve: The Reagan Years and Atlas Shrugged.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. BigHank5311:13 PM

    I think the best pull quote from her second essay is actually this one:

    We absolutely are in desperate need of a sane, healthy embrace of human sexuality.

    And you're proposing that we listen to the Catholic Freakin' Church for advice on this? What's next, dating tips from the Green River Strangler?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe the folks behind Conservapedia can organize an alternate Super Bowl

    Actually, Andrew Schlafly is a big fan of the Super Bowl. He believes that the power overload was caused by God making a humorous point about the futility of energy conservation.

    I'm actually not joking.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Spaghetti Lee12:05 AM

    Oh, please. If they really want abortions at the halftime show they'll just book Madonna again.


    Anyway, be at peace, Brother Richard! Just as K-Lo wants women to embrace their womanhood (i.e. wifehood and motherhood), she wants you to embrace your kill-joy geezerhood. Testify!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'd go into panic mode over all of this if it weren't for the fact that we still get obsessed over how the national anthem is done at every sporting event.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, to be fair, there's always the chance for spectacular failure.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree. I'd fail spectacularly.

    But it wouldn't mean I hate America, which is somehow what it's always turned into...

    ReplyDelete
  9. i hope they can get kevin smith to play her in the nro movie musical.

    ReplyDelete
  10. montag212:55 AM

    Gaw-ud damn! That K-Lo, she sure knows how to go to the brisket of the problem with football: the half-time festivities.


    People on the field are giving each other TBI, spinal dislocations, some of the worst rug burns known to man or beast, bruises, contusions, concussions and hickeys shaped like ugly bars.



    But, K-Lo, why, she's hooked into the real pain and agony: Michelle Obama twittering.



    Praise be to Jesus! And put the bon-bons on the faintin' couch, would ya?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard1:08 AM

    But... but... that was for freedom!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard1:10 AM

    I'll bet he gets a tingle from watching all of those large, sweaty men in tight, tight pants getting all up in each other's business. In a totes hetero sort of way.

    ReplyDelete
  13. We absolutely are in desperate need of a sane, healthy embrace of human sexuality.

    "...meaning you should have a baby every time you do it."

    ReplyDelete
  14. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard1:21 AM

    Imagine how upset K-Lo would be if she realized that the Superbowl was nothing more than an "hour" long violent, homoerotic ballet, and one characterized by an obsessive-compulsive attention to detail when it comes to measuring yards, downs, seconds. If it hadn't been invented generations ago, one could be convinced that it was invented by Nate Silver, the most evil man of the 21st Century.

    ReplyDelete
  15. sigyn1:38 AM

    I dunno, didn't Lowry just basically tell K-Lo she sounded like a "kill-joy and a geezer"? Or do I speak passive-aggressive a little too fluently?


    sigyn

    ReplyDelete
  16. Spaghetti Lee2:07 AM

    If K-Lo was in charge it would just be Ray Lewis and Tim Tebow leading the stadium in prayer from midfield the whole game.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Home run...

    "Freedom of Religion" means that, when it comes to sex, we need to heed a headcase virgin who's an authoritarian follower of child rapists who think women should only be allowed to fuck with their permission. Jeez.

    ReplyDelete
  18. mrstilton2:52 AM

    Those of us who prefer our football without interruptions and without massive, barely concealed homoerotic overtones were watching the Six Nations rugby tournament instead.


    OK, OK; "without interruptions", anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Big_Bad_Bald_Bastard3:27 AM

    Yeah, I know what your "hookers" do with their "props".

    ReplyDelete
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  21. John E. Williams7:07 AM

    This was the best comment

    DonnaDiPasquale filistro • 17 hours ago

    No. Ms. Lopez is right on this one. We do need to raise our standards. This is getting out of control. It reminds me of George W. Bush's first inauguration -- and those Rockettes...opening their legs again and again and again. And I remember thinking (as I'm sure Ms. Lopez did too): Why are they doing that? Why can't they just put a dress on? Why does Laura Bush want so many babies to die?

    ReplyDelete
  22. And yet none of these fine citizens has ever had a problem with Juliet Prowse. Wonder why that is.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Derelict7:40 AM

    I have to wonder what, exactly, K-Lo thinks would be "a sane, healthy embrace of human sexuality." Judging from her past screeds, it would probably involve public scolding of all those tramps having unapproved sexy-time. And it most certainly would involve banning all forms of birth control, including copulation by calendar so beloved of Catholics.
    She sure knows how to have a good time!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Halloween_Jack7:47 AM

    And it only takes about two minutes--three, if they stretch it out--unlike the game itself.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Halloween_Jack7:51 AM

    As is always apropos for discussions of sexuality (at least the healthy, non-abusive kind) and the Church, not to mention possibly certain NRO commenters: you don't play the game, you don't get to make the rules.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Or Cyd Charisse or Leslie Caron. What do you suppose they think about the Dream Sequence from An American in Paris? All those legs??

    ReplyDelete
  27. redoubt8:11 AM

    I mark it down as envy, e.g., why does Beyonce get to have Jay-Z and she doesn't. But then I am an unpleasant person sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  28. BigHank538:42 AM

    I do wonder what she thinks is going to kill all those babies. That cold January breeze getting into the Rockette's hoo-hahs and giving the fetuses a chill?

    ReplyDelete
  29. MikeJ9:40 AM

    Do you think we could get her Chris Brown?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Always be on the lookout for romantic out-of-the-way places far from the madding crowd.


    Make sure you schedule time to be alone together without interruptions.


    Nothing is sweeter than carrying around a little memento of the time you spent together.

    ReplyDelete
  31. catclub9:46 AM

    Was the Green River Strangler ever caught?

    ReplyDelete
  32. say, federal policy mandating that we treat women’s fertility as a disease to be medicated


    It's been said before, many times, many ways: What the hell is the deal with conservatives' inability to understand consent? There are even dictionaries online these days, K-Lo. I'm sure most of them contain a definition of "mandating" that isn't fucking stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  33. St. Thomas Aquinas had a perfectly normal, healthy relationship with the filthy, sinning temptresses.

    ReplyDelete
  34. And every election season Lifetime cable network shows the movie where the heroic sheriff Reichert (R-WA8) gets his man after only 25 years of dithering.

    ReplyDelete
  35. tigrismus10:21 AM

    And what does not treating fertility as a disease even mean? Do we outlaw gynecology and obstetrics? Only allow home births? Limit necessary medical intervention to prayer and crossed fingers?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hang on, lemme consult my copy of the K-Lo Guide to Life: Yes, Yes, and HellHeck Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  37. BigHank5310:33 AM

    Contraception. Although you or I could name a half-dozen non-procreative sex acts, all of them invented well before medicine was, K-Lo is distressed by those doctors who persist in examining female members of the species and informing them that they have options other than bringing forth children in pain until their uterus blows out. No, for theocracy enthusiast K-Lo, one size does fit all: women should bow to the will of the divine and welcome the opportunity to bear new witnesses to the majesty and glory of Our Lord, without the pesky intervention of modern science.



    No word, naturally, on why she hasn't joyfully taken up this burden herself.

    ReplyDelete
  38. John E. Williams11:24 AM

    I am 98% certain it was a troll post. Had to be. Right???

    ReplyDelete
  39. wileywitch11:40 AM

    There were a lot of scathing comments in her thread. Some of them appeared to have been written by Republicans. The weirdest one though, suggested that Beyonce can't sing, and a few of them mentioned lip-syncing. Whether or not they were offended, denying that she's a diva is just nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Budbear11:41 AM

    These people are so fucking deranged it's almost impossible to suss out the trolls from the true believers.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Tudor Jennings11:51 AM

    Don't we all, sweetheart! :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. TBogg's dictum comes to mind. Some choose chastity. Others have it chosen for them. For the dictionary definition, see...


    KLo.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Derelict12:57 PM

    As someone somewhere else pointed out, K-Lo's being forced to be chaste is not a virtue on her part.

    ReplyDelete
  44. We absolutely are in desperate need of a sane, healthy embrace of human sexuality

    I was under the impression that a mother freely acknowledging her sexual nature with a display of dance instead of giving up and turning into an asexual servant of her children was embracing sexuality in a healthy way - as opposed to the burqa-wearing, slut--shaming instincts of the sexually-repressed social conservatives.

    My mistake.

    ReplyDelete
  45. XeckyGilchrist1:28 PM

    You're not thinking Zhdanovily enough. To a culture warrior, it's all about what team you think the singer is on.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Aimai2:21 PM

    Atlas snuggled is the title of my fanfic novella.

    ReplyDelete
  47. they always omit the part where he let him go early on.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I suppose "others have it thrust upon them" isn't appropriate.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Gromet2:45 PM

    The priceless moment was Destiny’s Child reuniting to ask that someone
    “put a ring on it.” ...perhaps that case might be best made in another outfit, perhaps without the crotch grabbing.


    Just going to sit here a moment savoring the fantasy that Beyonce would be more of a "keeper" if she would put that hair in a tight bun, wear something with a high stiff collar and a hem dragging the floor, and never grab crotches.

    (Although let's also say I don't remember Beyonce grabbing her crotch at all -- it's possible I've become so inured to such things by my decadent lifestyle that I simply don't see them anymore, but I think it is more likely that K-Lo hallucinates them. And by hallucinates I mean lies about. And by lies about I mean is a terrible writer.)

    ReplyDelete
  50. whetstone3:01 PM

    I would like to embrace this comment in a healthy way.

    ReplyDelete
  51. whetstone3:08 PM

    I was going to write my own comment, but Fl Ms at NRO officially won the Internet today:

    "Like that is ever going to happen with the left. Their noholes barred agenda..."



    It only took them 50 years to figure out our actual agenda!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Gromet3:21 PM

    You guys, I just spent a few minutes reading commenters who support K-Lo, and it was depressing. Don't do it. There are so many people out there with such anxiety about ordinary sex and sexiness. I mean functioning adults who (before posting their opposition to "smut" like Beyonce) feel compelled to cite their credentials as human beings -- they're married, they have children which proves they get normal enough boners -- yet despite all this earthy living they are utterly queasy at the fact that since the dawn of time people have been gettin' it on.



    Every post seems to boil down to What are we to do about all this biology and fun? It must stop, before it ruins my fantasy version of the culture! I don't even what?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Sorry, it's just not that kind of a comment! [harumphs, smooths petticoats and strides away indignantly]

    ReplyDelete
  54. Or the gangster moll in Singin' in the Rain?

    ReplyDelete
  55. Someone needs to write Atlas Buggered.

    ReplyDelete
  56. wileywitch3:58 PM

    White people who can't sing or dance?

    ReplyDelete
  57. As far as I can tell being a diva these days has little to do with singing and is more about severe narcissistic personality disorder.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I'm awaiting K. Lo to argue that the whole problem started with Yvonne Craig giving up her modest Batgirl outfit and dancing as a slutty non-white Orion slave girl.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I see K. Lo dancing around the office Sunday night, singing "All the Pringle Ladies" and dancing around with a can.

    ReplyDelete
  60. aimai4:06 PM

    It goes without saying that if KLo had her way a "woman embracing her womanhood" would be arrested in most of the red states since free excercise of her sexuality and control over her fertility would be denied her. Hell, Klo explicitly believes that younger women should never "embrace their womanhood" unless they have "put a ring on it." That would eliminate approximately 99 percent of modern american women.

    ReplyDelete
  61. XeckyGilchrist4:10 PM

    Wasn't that Cyd Charisse?

    ReplyDelete
  62. mortimer4:45 PM

    Yes, a woman embracing her womanhood is a powerful thing.
    Depends on whether the embracing is done with her dominant hand or not. The more skilled and naturally dexterous the hand, the more powerful the ecstasy "thing" that results. I'm sure this is what K-Lo meant, from her intense study of St. Teresa of Avila.

    ReplyDelete
  63. montag24:53 PM

    Oh, I soooo want to believe that was intentional, but, hell, it's the NRO, so the odds are not encouraging.

    ReplyDelete
  64. whetstone5:02 PM

    Fine. Next time you can make your ideas less attractive by hiding them with excess verbiage, dull writing, and distracting construction instead of exposing them like Beyonce's legs. K-Lo can provide some tips.

    ReplyDelete
  65. slavdude6:22 PM

    Oh yeah, Leslie Caron, playing a young teenager in "Gigi" at the age, I think, of 29. And if that weren't creepy enough, the movie features Maurice Chevalier (then in his fifties at least) singing "Thank Heaven for Little Girls".

    ReplyDelete
  66. wileywitch7:25 PM

    Teresa of Avila would have driven K-Lo nuts.

    ReplyDelete
  67. The Dark Avenger8:00 PM

    They don't realize the price of barring holes these days.

    ReplyDelete
  68. TGuerrant8:25 PM

    God wastes a lot of time these days. Must think he's about to collect Social Security - ha ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
  69. TGuerrant8:28 PM

    While wearing outfits from the pro shop at a golf club in upper Kentucky.

    ReplyDelete
  70. In my syndicated column this week, I point to a book by a man named Christopher West, who is not of the trying-to-suppress-anyone’s-desires camp. In his new book, Fill These Hearts, he proposes that it is in fact the very design of the human body that helps us make sense of our lives. “Consider the idea that our bodies tell a story that reveals, as we learn how to read it, the very meaning of existence and the path to the ultimate satisfaction of our deepest
    desires.”


    That's all well and good for those with a nice long read ahead of them, but what about those of us with an epigram?

    ReplyDelete
  71. TGuerrant8:36 PM

    I was going to get her Jimmy Lee Dykes, but apparently he is unavailable for the foreseeable future. These disappointments are marring my reputation.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Sgaile-beairt10:10 PM

    dont forget the succubi!!!

    ReplyDelete
  73. A friend at a former job of mine said she was talking with a co-worker, who commented that she indeed saw the Super Bowl halftime show and was scandalized, but her sister informed the 14 year old nephew that such dress is pornography, and should only be seen by your spouse. Given that context, K-Lo seems somewhat liberal.

    ReplyDelete
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    I'll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the info!

    My blog post; Nike Blazers

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  111. Anonymous4:59 PM

    Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know
    a few of the pictures aren't loading correctly. I'm not sure why but I think its a linking issue.
    I've tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same outcome.

    My weblog - Air Max

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