Monday, November 19, 2012

NEW VOICE COLUMN UP, about the new Chick-fil-A, Papa John's. Rightbloggers' worship of asshole CEOs who brag about screwing their employees because Obama Sux is one of their most mystifying traits. It's like they don't want to attract normal people. Maybe normal people make them nervous.

Among the outtakes: PaleoWriter not only rah-rahed Papa John's, but took pictures of sold-out Hostess displays and declared the company's closing was the result of union greed (which you good people know is bullshit). PW's headline was "Hostess Shrugged," which suggests an even more ridiculous version of Atlas Shrugged in which crap snackmakers and venture capitalists say, alright moochers, you don't appreciate us so we're going to allow our brands to be bought by another company and reissued -- then you'll be sorry!


  1. "The left's hatred for business couldn't be any clearer than in this case," Shapiro asserted, then added, "their hatred for reality is even greater than that," though he declined to similarly rank the left's hatred of Jesus, God, and Santa Claus.

    He's saving those for a special holiday episode of Big In the most moving scenes ever, Santa discovers he is able to deliver more gifts to Wall Street by attracting investment capital and negotiating a lower hourly wage with his labor force, while Jesus is revealed to be a proud one-percenter who throws the moochers out of the Temple and thereby allows the Jews to overtake the Romans economically and saves history.

  2. Spaghetti Lee1:52 AM

    Republicans! Fighting for fried chicken, chain pizza, and twinkies. Maybe we'll win the midterms because all the GOP voters will have died of myocardial infarctions.

    you don't appreciate us so we're going to allow our brands to be bought by another company and reissued -- then you'll be sorry!

    Yeah, that's the punchline to the whole story. Like frosting-filled cakes are really going to vanish from American soil because of a little thing like corporate bankruptcy. Twinkies and Wonder Bread will live on because there's demand for them and companies know they can make a buck off that demand. Funny, that's how conservatives always lecture me about how the great circle of capitalism is supposed to work, but now that it's actually happening they don't seem to be too happy about it.

  3. Shredder1:55 AM

    The world will, in fact, objectively be a marginally better place without Twinkies.

  4. hells littlest angel1:59 AM

    "Hostess Shrugged." Hey, that's not bad. I think Ayn Rand had a thing for Ding-Dongs. PaleoWriter should start commenting here.

  5. hells littlest angel2:18 AM

    The NY Times had an article on making your own Twinkies and Wonder Bread at home, but I'm waiting for an artisanal bakery in Greenpoint to fill the breach.

  6. "Made with artisanal HFCS, from corn grown right here in Brooklyn"

  7. Another Kiwi3:34 AM

    What did sobby lady mean by Thanksgiving...but this time, I found it comforting to see Santa Claus
    (the real one -- not the government-issued one) sitting in his
    overstuffed chair

  8. Odder3:44 AM

    Back in my childhood years Uncle Samta would have at least left a block of cheese, so that we could share a glum and gummy government fondue on Christmas morning.

  9. Odder3:51 AM

    Only those who are Wonder Bred need apply in the post-Hostess paradigm, brother.

  10. Odder4:07 AM

    When the battle smoke finally clears, Hostess will be forced to wear a pinstriped burkha.

  11. What is it with crappy pizza chains and asshole wingnut CEOs? First Tom Monaghan and his (shattered) dream of a Catholic town, then Herman 9-9-9 Cain, now this guy. Is the pepperoni supply tainted?

  12. Hostess will have to play for the Yankees?

  13. "Papa John's Appreciation Day is truly appreciation for capitalism
    itself," climaxed Shapiro, "and for the burdens government and the left
    place on the folks who do all the hiring in America."

    I could have lived the rest of my life quite happily without imagining the Virgin Ben's O face. Thanks much!

  14. Odder4:23 AM

    Well, maybe my idea of vulture capitalists' garb is outdated.

  15. If you want a picture of the conservative future, imagine a twinkie shoved into a human face —forever.

    Oh, wait...

  16. smut clyde5:01 AM

    I like to think of sweetened calories held in a man's hand.Calories , a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips. I often wonder about
    the hours when a man sits alone, watching the crumbs of a Ding-Dong,
    thinking. I wonder what great things have come from such hours. When a
    man thinks, there is a spot of sweetness alive in his mind--and it is proper
    that he should have the creamy filling as his one

  17. montag25:10 AM

    For me, "Papa John's Appreciation Day" is when his employees roll half a dozen guillotines up to the edge of the moat around his 40,000 sq. ft. fucking house and storm the barricades. And I sure as hell hope there's video of the event. I want to see the terror in Schnatter's eyes and extreme close-ups of his sphincter puckering.

    I have more to say on this, but, fuck me, I just had to get that much out right away.

  18. Pope Zebbidie XIII5:36 AM

    Shapiro Jesus would have castigated the Jews for not throwing the Christians to the lions.

  19. Pope Zebbidie XIII5:43 AM

    At least it was quick

  20. farrah1236:13 AM

    Find Free Online Jobs from home and Part time Online Jobs without investments

  21. Marcus6:24 AM

    "In the spirit of Chick-Fil-A Day, visit your local Papa John's and tell them you still support the right to speak truth to power."

    Even after the coming days of darkness brought about by the theif-ification of the United States by the Obamanation, when one of our humble billionaires finds a voice and rages- rages!- against the dying of the White, I know that America can still be saved. Speaking of savings, have you heard about Papa John's amazing "free pizza, no healthcare" promotion? It's slabtabulous!

    BTW, phrases like "unappetizingly explained" are why I read here.

  22. Pope Zebbidie XIII6:37 AM

    I want the guillotine to have one of those circular rolling knives because irony.

  23. There's a cornstalk in Brooklyn.

  24. "Didja hear that Old Man Hostess has to close the factory 'cause the workers got too greedy?"

    "Fucking greedy workers--must be commies trying to make more money than they need."

    "Yeah. And I'm gonna miss those twinkies--it just ain't right when people people put their families before making shit for the rest of us."

    "Somebody should do something to help. Let's get the gang together and go help Old Man Hostess run the plant."

    "Yeah. We can do it, and save the twinkies."

    The next morning, deadened by the harsh betrayal of his peasants and the end of his dream to provide junk food as his grandfathers had done, Old Man Hostess slipped the key to the factory from around his neck. One last look at the old girl, he thought, as he swung the heavy iron door on its hinges.

    Inside, instead of the darkness and silent machinery he expected, he found himself like the fairytale cobbler--hundreds of happy wingnuts were running the flex-lines, churning out twinkies and ding-dongs to the joyful clatter of mixers, industrial ovens and conveyor belts. All were smiling happily as they worked the lines; some were even singing a rhythmic worksong!

    And not a goddamn one was union!

    Old Man Hostess stood at the top of the steps to the factory floor, key still in his hands, as tears of joy coursed down his cheeks.

  25. satch7:39 AM

    You haven't lived until you've spent a day... in my case, Saturday... duking it out in The Corner over just this issue (and it wasn't even the Steyn piece on Twinkies, it was the piece before that one, "Re Podhoretz on Romney"). Of COURSE Hostess's management made a series of bad decisions, gorged themselves with fat salary increases and bonuses, paid no attention to their actual product, and then in a last ditch hail Mary, tried to "save the company" by taking it out of the hides of the workers. And of COURSE Papa John Schnatter thinks that treating his workers as if they were just pieces of hardware like pizza ovens and dough mixers in order to save a few nickels while giving away two million free pizzas as part of an NFL promotion, is a savvy business move. That's a given. The hilarious thing is that the commenters defending these guys all sound like they think that they, too, are heroic, hard nosed business titans willing to throw mere workers... who should be thankful they have jobs at all... into the volcano to appease the Spirit Of Ayn Rand. And even though Forbes and Business Week, among others, blows their lines of reasoning completely out of the water, their armor is absolutely impervious to facts. Going over there is like going to a zoo and poking the animals with a stick through the bars just to hear them roar "Freedom! Free Markets!! Union Thugs!! MOOCHERS!!!". Except I would never treat actual animals like that.

  26. Fats Durston7:42 AM

    We expected the guy who introduced dipping butter to pizza to give a shit about healthcare?

  27. Fats Durston7:43 AM

    Every time the creme dispenser farts, an asshole gets his wings!

  28. Always remarkable how wingnuts suddenly develop a love for altruism right about the time they can use it to prop up other wingnuts - what would Saint Rand say about buying shitty pizza to "support" the CEO?

  29. redoubt8:25 AM

    I think Ayn Rand had a thing for Ding-Dongs

    Only certain ones. . . .

  30. Doghouse Riley8:28 AM

    "It's very obvious," said Randy Hall of NewsBusters, "that none of the liberals criticizing Schnatter, who founded and oversees the third-largest take-out and delivery pizza restaurant chain in the United States (behind Pizza Hut and Domino's Pizza), have anything anywhere near comparable business experience."

    He makes pizzas out of cardboard, then drives 'em to you. I've never heard anyone say he does either particularly well. I'm unaware of his innovative contributions to the crap food industry. He's an incessant shill, and apparently a successful one, though how this is is beyond me. I've wanted to punch the guy since I saw his first commercial, long before I knew anything about his politics.

    He got lucky, and his business expanded. Maybe that was by dint of hard work and a particularly sharp business acumen, I don't know, but I know too many successful business people to presume it was. He's free to shoot off his mouth as he sees fit, though this seems less than smart. The simple fact is that if there was something to this Invisible Hand nonsense, he and the other two behemoths of food driven to you would produce pizza that tasted good, and working for any of them would be something sought out by artisans, who didn't want for healthcare coverage or a decent wage.

  31. redoubt8:29 AM

    Thirty seconds or less, or it's free.

  32. chuckling8:58 AM

    Given how they are so willing to demonstrate the courage of their convictions by eating crappy food, I am genuinely surprised they don't take the next logical step and buy their own health insurance at market rates rather than accept the much less expensive, collectively bargained rates, from their companies -- or as so often the case with the most vitriolic wing nuts -- government employers or Medicare.

    Though it's possible the resulting profits for insurance companies and big pharma would be offset by the inevitable losses in the junk food industry since their best customers would no longer be able to afford to eat. Small price to pay for freedom though.

  33. we expect Papa John's Appreciation Day will have the same impact on
    Obamacare as Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day had on the election.

    Found by editor92 in the V.V> comments: DUNKIRK!

  34. satch9:14 AM

    Sure... during the knock-down-drag-out over the ACA in 2010, a really smart businessman would have supported a single payer plan, since that would have completely removed the responsibility of employers to provide health insurance for their employees AND help them stay healthy thus improving productivity. But then that would have ground Amurikans under the boot heel of oppression and squelched their freedom to spend hours in emergency rooms for free care or to decide for themselves whether to go bare and trust in God or go head to head with insurers for exorbitantly expensive individual policies.

  35. Does anyone buy this crap? I mean, really? I've lived in dozens of American cities, and when I want a pizza, there's always a local independent place to get one from. I haven't had a chain-restaurant pizza since about 1978,.

  36. i merely assumed hostess had gone under because it continued to advertise that super villains and lackeys enjoyed their products so much.

  37. GregMc9:33 AM

    I patronized them in college (local independent pizza being, if I can recall correctly, non-existant where I was) but more than a few of us (a cadre?) preferred Mr Gatti's. Why? All you can eat buffet. I was a moocher even then . . .

  38. we expect Papa John's Appreciation Day will have the same impact on
    Obamacare as Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day had on the election.

    Found by editor92 in the V.V> comments: DUNKIRK!

  39. TomParmenter9:47 AM

    Wonder Bread is the best for cleaning oil paintings. Won't someone think of the conservators?

  40. M. Krebs9:59 AM

    DIpping butter made of partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

  41. GregMc10:00 AM

    I think they meant this:

    It's the "Great Scots" Santa whose eyeing your haul.

  42. witlesschum10:17 AM

    When I lived in Lansing, Michigan, shitbird there had to call his cardboard factory "Papianos" because there was a local, independent place called Papa Johns. The best part is that they undercut the big boy on price. At that time, local Papa would give you a large with two toppings for 5.99 and corporate Papa charged 8 something. Local Papa was not great, but it was greasier than corporate. If I'm going to eat shitty pizza, I want it to be greasy as Dick Morris covered in Crisco.

  43. Leeds man10:18 AM

    Mmmm, decapitalism. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

  44. tigrismus10:22 AM

    I could point out that it only takes a little math to figure out if Schnatter is full of shit, but it strikes me what's really funny about Hall's comment is none of those permanent criticizers has let their lack of anything anywhere near comparable experience keep them from flapping their gums on any subject ever, from teaching to presidenting.

  45. AGoodQuestion10:45 AM

    "The hallmark of any successful boycott is the limitation of revenue for the company you are targeting. So, if somehow this boycott were to be successful, the logical result would be that Papa John's would lose money forcing them to cut more jobs, and more hours... In achieving their goal, the boycotters will have achieved the exact opposite of their goal."
    By the same logic, if Support Papa John's Day is successful, company profits will spike, Schnatter's claim to be severely hampered by Obamacare will be vitiated, and his move to dick over his employees will just look stupid and mean. Oh what will he do? I mean, beyond give himself a raise, as FreedomWorks no doubt thinks he should.

  46. AGoodQuestion10:54 AM

    The big three succeed by carpet-bombing the area with coupons, and through the fact that kids cramming for exams need cheap fuel. The customers don't necessarily think this is good pizza. Much less are they voicing approval for the CEO's dedication to Randian capitalism, or (in Domino's case) sterling pro-life stance.

  47. Zencomix11:01 AM

    Is this where the Dipping Butter enters the picture?

  48. RogerAiles11:01 AM

    The term "pie-holes" has never been more apt.

  49. BigHank5311:02 AM

    Man, I sure as shit recommend going to Papa John's and telling the poor schlub behind the counter that you support his boss's right to fuck him sideways. I imagine the wage-slaves there will be all too happy to make sure every single one of your toppings visits an ass-crack (or something equally unhygenic) before you receive it. Wingnut power FTW!

  50. Leaning over the railing, the giddy job-provider shouted down at a lad of about 6 or 7 wrestling with a fire on the floor below.

    "Boy, what day is this?"

    "Why, it's Christmas Day, Sir!" replied the soot-smudged urchin.

    Christmas Day, and the plant full of bustling workers making money for him!

    "Sir, I think this fire extinguisher expired last year...Sir? Sir? Aaaiiieeeeeeee........."

    Hostess stood straight and proud, his face split by an unaccustomed, and creepy, grimace of joy. They love me. They really love me!

  51. tl;dr: THONK!

  52. "Is the pepperoni supply tainted?"

    Is the USDA an understaffed, underfunded government agency?

  53. "... the right to speak truth to power."

    ... Okay, this time there can't be any way to reassemble the constituent atoms of irony's completely disintegrated corpse, can there?

  54. PulletSurprise12:08 PM

    Just imagine, if it had only happened 35 years ago, then maybe Harvey Milk would still be alive.

  55. PulletSurprise12:18 PM

    Delivery is a factor, I would surmise. At least in my exurban enclave, there are no other delivery options that service my exchange. The one indie that used to deliver went to a $50 minimum order.

  56. XeckyGilchrist12:23 PM

    "tell them you still support the right to speak truth to power."

    With your mouth full, of course.

  57. So: fewer customers means fewer jobs? I thought that lower profit margins meant fewer jobs?

  58. Harry Cheddar12:47 PM

    Spiderman! Is that a cream filled confection in your belt, or are you just happy to see me?

  59. Halloween_Jack12:53 PM

    I think that there probably is something to being a pizza magnate, with its dependence on a constantly-replenished pool of unskilled labor and emphasis of speediness over customer service, that draws a certain sort of person who would drive over any number of uninsured minimum-wage workers in order to make sure that the fucking pizza gets delivered on time. (I hate to keep citing Snow Crash here, but the first chapter, in which we find out that the Mafia owns the pizza-delivery business and is perfectly suited for it, just fits perfectly.) I worked for Godfather's for a few months in my mid-twenties, and to date it's the only job that I've ever quit with zero notice, something that's especially remarkable given my other job at the time, the one that I didn't quit, which involved filthy assembly-line work with people that were marginally employable by any standards. Yes, I burned out on the pizza business that quickly and profoundly.

  60. Jay B.12:58 PM

    The Fruit Pie Magician will have his motherfucking revenge!

  61. Halloween_Jack12:59 PM

    I'd put it in the category of an acceptable alternative when nothing better is available, or you're in an unfamiliar town. There are some local places which are clearly superior, but there are also local places (especially in smaller cities where there are few, if any, alternatives) where the pizza sucks; these places survive because they're the only game in town and it's what people grow up with.

  62. Another Kiwi1:45 PM

    Uncle Enzo would like to have a talk with you

  63. Fats Durston1:46 PM

    Full disclosure: I worked for Papa John's for three years in one of the first expansions out of Kentuckiana, in NC, hired by someone who had worked directly under Schnatter (my mom was friends with her girlfriend's mom). I delivered, I'm pretty sure, over 25,000 pizzas for the man, probably putting a few thousand dollars in his pocket. Of that I am not proud. The smell of the sauce still makes me queasy and I cannot abide pepperoncinis.

    Important insider knowledge:
    A) The secret ingredient for the sauce is sugar. (Why Americans buy it?)

    B) A 98% cleanliness rating is a farce involving gag-inducing mop water.

    C) The naked person that comes to the door to pay is a staggeringly drunk guy, appealing to no one gay or straight.

    D) If you were to, say, order a pizza at 1:50 am and then not be home when the driver arrives, and then call the place, and ask them to bring it back, except to make a new one, because the original has probably gotten cold, and the driver has to make it, because all the "cooks" have gone home and the manager is counting the take, and a large insect flies into said pizza as it is being remade, the driver will cover the insect with a layer of cheese rather than picking it out.

  64. Another Kiwi1:56 PM

    Noted, Fats. In my defence I overheat if I wear too many articles of clothing around the house.

  65. BigHank532:04 PM

    Other way around--it's ding-dongs that are attracted to Objectivism.

  66. BigHank532:11 PM

    Did your parole officer believe that one? Because I didn't have any luck with it.

  67. Halloween_Jack2:13 PM

    Twinkies are just shortcake or sponge cake and artificial whipped cream; assembling those yourself (even if it's prepackaged shortcake and whipped cream out of the can) gives you a superior product.

  68. Another Kiwi2:15 PM

    Always with the judgements those people and will they come over to share some pizza and wine at 1am? No, too good for that!

  69. Halloween_Jack2:18 PM

    I find myself wondering at this: "Santa Claus (the real one -- not the government-issued one)". Has the government commodities program expanded in some totally unexpected ways since I took advantage of it about a quarter-century ago? Also had to laugh at Roy's photo caption: "When your grandchildren ask you how conservatives died off, show them this picture", plus the Marquis De Suave (talk about your excellent pseudonyms)'s FB comment.

  70. smut clyde2:37 PM

    Present for Pope Zebbidie XII!

  71. montag22:39 PM

    What I can't get over is why there are so many lamebrains in this country who idolize the very people that are savaging them on taxes, making them work--as George Carlin aptly put it--the shittier jobs at lower pay, the longer hours without pay, as if predatory capitalism is the greatest thing since Wonder bread.

    I'm just mystified that they remain willfully ignorant of the likelihood--because none of them are very bright--that their turn is coming, too. They can't all be getting wingnut welfare for this cheerleading, can they?

    Yes, Schnatter's a particularly egregious example of capitalism gone putrid, but why on earth are people of modest means so eager to kiss his ass? It's bewildering.

    Maybe it's a sign that Lewis Powell's "manifesto" was really taken to heart by the fatcats, and the money they've been pumping into Heritage, AEI, the speakers' bureaus, right-wing politicians with dust for brains, the phony-baloney think tanks has paid off. It's been just over forty years--two generations--for this rank propaganda to have insinuated itself into the mainstream. Every economic principle they've been force-fed has turned out to be wrong in practice, but, hell, doesn't stop them from endlessly repeating them as if they were on the tablets Moses brought down from the mountain.

    I. Thou shalt be ruthless in all consort with thy fellow men.
    II. Thou shalt steal.
    III. Thou shalt honor thy one true god, and that god is money.
    IV. Thou shalt kneel behind me, and kiss my ass, for I run your life.
    V. Do not covet another man's trophy wife. You can afford your own.
    VI. Do not covet a man's goods. Destroy him and get his assets cheap.
    VII. Tithe to lobbyists, not government, and you shall be rewarded.
    VIII. A rising tide lifts all boats, so steal boats.
    IX. Most people are slaves. Treat them that way.
    X. There is no heavenly reward, but make your employees think there is. It makes denying pensions easier.

    And, that's pretty much an MBA today, in a nutshell.

    And I'd still like to see Papa John's employee run their sick sonofabitch CEO out of town on a rail.

  72. BigHank532:45 PM

    I thought that lower capital gains tax rates meant more jobs. In my defense, I had been listening to Greg Mankiw.

  73. BigHank532:47 PM

    But the mental image--much like the stains on a velour couch--are pretty much there forever. You fucker.

  74. satch2:47 PM

    "Come in, Jack... and close the door."

  75. satch3:02 PM

    I remember not too long ago when one of Schnatter's ad campaigns made a big deal out of how they were starting to use fresh mushrooms instead of the rubber canned ones. The man has his finger on the pulse of 'Murrika's taste buds, I tells ya!

  76. KatWillow3:11 PM

    I'd like to take that comment to "Just Desserts" and tell it to buy any-and-everything it wants.

  77. KatWillow3:15 PM

    A guillotine assembly-line! I saw a film with baby chickens on an assembly line, and it depressed me for just about forever. But if I mentally substitute CEOs and Bankers and Brokers for the fluffy litte chicks.... its heartening.

  78. PaleoWriter's masthead:

    Totalitarianism in American Government is leading us into a
    Dystopian Landscape, much like that during the grim years of Woodrow
    Wilson and Franklin Roosevelt.

    C'mon, saying Heil Roosevelt was not so bad...

  79. redoubt3:20 PM

    This. I live in Atlanta; they still haven't (with the exception of Everybody's figured out how to make pizza.
    Imagine what it's like in other Southern US cities. (I know some areas where if you want pizza you have to get from the Winn-Dixie freezer.)

  80. KatWillow3:20 PM

    Huh, soybean oil, eh? I was gonna try a "No Dairy Products" diet, and watch the pounds evaporate like a puddle of oil in the sun. But now you say "butter" is really soybean oil. Everyone knows soy is healthy, that's why it tastes icky. Hmmm.

  81. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  82. It still hurts me that there are so many Domino's outlets in Brooklyn. In BROOKLYN! Where you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a locally-owned pizza joint.

  83. I'm wondering when Santa Claus became part of the religious Christmas.

  84. Everyone thinks they'll be the one to beat the odds.

  85. In places without a lot of late-night delivery, there's some virtue in being able to order a relatively cheap slab of greasy calories when you realize you've been working for 18 hours straight and don't have the energy to cook.

    And the online ordering the chains have is a blessing for those of us with crippling phone anxiety.

    For a while there after moving to a new neighborhood I was ordering a LOT of crappy pizza, since I was working late most nights. Domino's really tastes worse the more you eat it -- I still find the smell faintly offensive.

  86. Unless you have a nostalgic attachment to the plasticky, artificial taste of Twinkies... which I do, on occasion.

  87. That stuff is fucking revolting. A few of my friends at a game night ordered Papa Johns over my objection, and they managed to spill that stuff on my table. Even after cleaning it up, the house smelled like that for days.

  88. Oh, come now. Sinterklass? From Sint Nikolaas? As in "Ho ho ho - What's this menorah shit? Say 'Merry Christmas," or you'll get this Real True Christian American's boot in your face again, you filthy Christ-killing deviant!" Followed by the contemptuous gifting of a stocking containing high-sulfur coal and a pamphlet warning you not to attack conservatives' First Amendment rights ever again.

  89. The Dark Avenger4:44 PM

    The Battle for Christmans

    Stephen Nissenbaum shows us that there is no "real" Christmas to which
    we must return to be authentic. While some will find his demystification
    of our cherished traditions depressing, I found it liberating.
    Christmas has always been a malleable tradition, according to
    Nissenbaum. That means that while it may be an "invented tradition", it
    is one we are free to reinvent for ourselves. Many of us are concerned
    about the extreme materialism and consumerism that rules our societies
    and hijacks our family and community life. The Battle for Christmas
    provides a roadmap of where we have been, and suggests where we might go
    to recapture the magic of this seasonal festival.

  90. John D.4:45 PM

    Beyond that, cheeleading this kind of shit puts the morons on "the winning side," even if they personally get nothing out of it.

  91. satch4:58 PM

    Last century there was the Triangle Shirtwaist fire, today there is the Papa John's pepperoni grease fire. When will we learn...

  92. M. Krebs5:43 PM

    Jack's right. Of all the chain pizza delivery places I've sampled, PJ's is definitely the best of the lot. You want some really shitty pizza? Try Little Ceasar's.

  93. Tudor Jennings6:31 PM

    Is "It's them dirty liberals' fault this business went under!" the new Twinkie Defence?

  94. smut clyde6:40 PM

    For values of 'religion' that include Mammon.

  95. smut clyde6:42 PM

    Here is a documentary on that very subject:

  96. Another Kiwi6:44 PM

    Oh you and your Math! All they ask is that you believe.

  97. XeckyGilchrist6:45 PM

    The really bad thing about Dystopian Landscapes is the color scheme. Hang one over your sofa and you'll have to repaint, not like with the Kinkade.

  98. XeckyGilchrist6:46 PM

    You're overthinking it - there really is no more to it than "this pisses off the liberals, so I'm for it."

  99. smut clyde7:04 PM

    Dystopian Landscape:

  100. XeckyGilchrist7:05 PM

    Nice one! But you see? No way would blue and orange work with my Avocado and Harvest Gold living room.

  101. redoubt7:10 PM

    This former Pizza Hut shift manager (still can't think about Priazzo without shuddering) waves a spatula in your honor. . .

  102. tensor7:57 PM

    "Twinkies and Wonder Bread will live on because" they have so many preservatives in them, Mother Nature cannot return them to the soil.

    FIxxored, for greater chemitude.

  103. Dumb question -- what liberals were boycotting Papa John's? I mean, I wouldn't feed that shit to a starving dog, but I had never heard of any organized campaign against PJ's asswipe CEO after he lied about how expensive health care would be for him.

  104. ADHDJ8:10 PM

    Why the martyrdom for Papa John's? Doesn't every other pizza place potentially have to pay more in labor? I don't recall the "only applies to fake Italian employers" clause in there. Does he throw a whiny little bitch fit every time the cost of tomatoes (or, you know, imitation artificial tomato-like flavor syrup) goes up?

    So labor costs are 1.75% more expensive or whatever it is now. Big fucking deal. This is capitalism, not the everybody gets a fucking cookie and a pat on the head hour. Your costs go up sometimes. People will still buy your stuff if it's a better value than your competitors, who have the same costs as you.

  105. XeckyGilchrist8:34 PM

    And the online ordering the chains have is a blessing for those of us with crippling phone anxiety.

    Second this. Happily, some of the mom-n-pop joints here in Salt Lake City are getting online ordering going.

  106. Jay B.8:45 PM

    Nissenbaum? That's awful [crooks nose and hunches over in a hideous mocking stereotype], if you know what I mean. Of COURSE he'd want to kill "Christ"mas.

  107. It works out to about 10 cents more per pizza to handle the ACA measures. Pass it onto the consumers already and shut the hell up.

  108. M. Krebs8:59 PM

    ...crippling phone anxiety.

    OMG, I'm not alone!

  109. Another Kiwi8:59 PM

    Also 2,000,000 free pizzas and he's all WATB about this?

    Time to deliver the Junk Puncher's Supreme with extra Prejudice!

  110. M. Krebs9:11 PM

    Every economic principle they've been force-fed has turned out to be wrong in practice, but, hell, doesn't stop them from endlessly repeating them as if they were on the tablets Moses brought down from the mountain.

    Tablets brought down from the mountain, voices on the AM radio; both pretty much the same thing.

  111. bilejones9:25 PM

    Go read this.

    Fucking liberals, robbing the workers blind

  112. Budbear10:12 PM

    Christ! There's an image i'll have to live with until the alcohol overcomes my consciousness.

  113. Halloween_Jack10:16 PM

    There's something deeply disturbing and echt capitalist about how the original legend of St. Nicholas (throwing three sacks of gold through some poor dude's window so that his daughters wouldn't have to go into prostitution) gave rise both to the story of Santa Claus and the universal symbol for pawn shops.

  114. The Dark Avenger10:39 PM

    I prefer wildlife scenes that are inspirational as well.

  115. GregMc11:42 PM

    Those are for the people who like to hit Long John Silver's as soon as they get to the beach. And Taco Bell just tastes better in Houston!

  116. I was a driver at a Gumby's Pizza serving the greater Storrs, CT area (read: UConn and some scattered apartment complexes and frat houses) in the early 90s.

    I think my favorite thing ever was delivering to frat parties that were just getting to the point of something unfortunate happening and having someone shout, "The pizza bitch is here!"

    I really much preferred the biker bar. Better tippers.

  117. JennOfArk12:38 AM

    The fact that Hostess is going into bankruptcy (again) is proof positive of the general worthlessness of highly paid CEOs. I mean, for fuck's sake, Hostess was the Mexican food of snacks - they had like 3 ingredients they used to make eleventy-thousand different products. The Ding Dong, the Ho-Ho, the Suzy Q, the Cupcake - you got your pseudo-creme filling, your artificially-flavored chocolate cake, and your chocolate-flavored paraffin, and you're getting 4 different products out of them. Only a complete fucking moron could screw that up, given the American love of highly-processed, high fat, high sugar, food-like substances.

  118. A few people griped about it on Twitter, meaning it was a nationwide leftist conspiracy.

  119. The comments thread on that is the butt-hurt mother lode. They are inconsolable. Lost in the older comments is this almost haiku

    "Sorry, Professor.
    This isn’t Dunkirk.
    It’s Appаmatox Courthouse."

    Awesome. The histrionic appeal to misread history, the unconscious racism, and of course, the obligatory misspelling of Appomattox, it doesn't get much denser than this.


  120. dlvarner@gogtt.net9:20 AM

    Or "voices from the fillings in your teeth or your appliances"...

  121. What the fk is that supposed to represent? I gotta know.

  122. The Dark Avenger9:33 AM

    Click it and you'll see that it's Thomas Jefferson punching the hell out of a gorilla. It belongs in the same category as George Washington battling a Bengal tiger on a small boat.

  123. J Neo Marvin1:05 PM

    I found it comforting to see Santa Claus (the real one -- not the government-issued one) sitting in his overstuffed chair

    Shhhhhh....don't tell her.

  124. J Neo Marvin1:16 PM

    So I gather "Appomattox Courthouse" doesn't symbolize an iconic American victory over traitors, but something BAD? And these are the "patriots"?

  125. Ruviana4:48 PM

    It's been quite a while, but when I was there they hadn't figured out how to make Mexican food either.

  126. freq flag12:26 AM

    No tears for Twinkie the Kid?

  127. freq flag12:28 AM

    FTW. Every time.

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